Reviews written by registered user
|36 reviews in total|
A bunch of cool-style college kids are out in the woods making a mummy
film (yeah you read that right) when they get word thru their cell
phones and texts that some sort of zombie breakout has occurred. The
kids with their stereotypical English film professor (all professors
are stuffy Brits, didn't you know?) decide to stop filming and get out
of dodge. When one of the film students decides to off herself, she
comes back as a zombie and from there the rest of the movie you have
seen in a zillion zombie films. Only every character is under the age
The film is shot on video and is narrated by the lead who says that this is a film project, a documentary on what happened. She even says she added music for dramatic effect. But the movie's use of video POV serves no point at all. When a zombie starts to attack, the person holding the camera just stands there and watches. When the camera falls or is put down, it properly fills the frame perfectly for us to see what is going on. The Blair Witch Project worked using this style. So did Cloverfield. This does not.
Now, let's discuss the acting. It is the worst I have ever seen. I have seen performances at a grade school production of Billy Goats Gruff that run rings around these actors. They are so bad they don't even try. But Romero's script forces them to spout off the most hilarious bad dialog. A character says, 'Why are you still shooting?" and the guy with the video camera says back, "Well, I wish I can change the script but I can't!" Oh and during the beginning of the film one kid says that zombies should walk slower and later on when a zombie attacks and they kill it, the kid says happily, "See? I told you zombies walk slow." Oh, oh, and my favorite moment is when suddenly a girl says that she is leaving and gets in the kid's van and takes off for no reason! She leaves everyone behind and says, "Don't mess with Texas" with her Texas accent and then a Texas rodeo song plays as she drives away. I'm not making this up folks! The movie also has some of the most unnecessary use of F words too. Right away police officers are swearing like a Scorsese film.
Is the gore any decent? We all love Dawn of the Dead (and if you don't you take it up the butt) and even Day of the Dead has some pretty grisly scenes, thanks to make up master Tom Savini. Well, Tom isn't on this one (nor was he on Land of the Dead) and his protégé Greg Nicotero has taken over for Savini. Greg is great, I love his work. He has done everything from Nightmare on Elm Street 5 to the TV series Deadwood. Somehow his zombies look like monsters. They don't even look very good. And every single bit of blood in this film is all CGI. Headshots, guts, you name it, its all CGI now. It's like watching a video game and it looks terrible. OH! But it has plenty of comic relief and one-liners! For all you little idiots who need to feel safe while watching a horror film, rest assured, there is a ton of comic relief for you.
I would have hated this film had it come from some idiot out of film school whose knowledge of horror films is the Scream series. But from George A. Romero? I have met Romero twice in the past and he was so polite to everyone, answered questions, was kind with his fans. It's hard for me to say a bad thing about him. This review just kills me to write. I absolutely couldn't stand watching this movie. I think its time for Romero to retire. His movies stink now.
Being a fan of Tom Savini, I was excited to see this old film of his that he did the effects for. Now, think of this: Tom Savini, Joe Pilato (Rhodes from Day of the Dead) John Harrison (the composer of Romero films like Creepshow and Day of the Dead) in a movie about a making of a snuff film! Sounds like good ol' 70's exploitation horror, right? As Arnold said in Terminator "Wrong!" This boring suspense drama is about...well, not too sure since there was no plot. But something about a crazy director who secretly video tapes his cast and crew have sex, snort cocaine, talk about George Taki's sex life, and then tries to kill his cinematographer for no reason. Tom Savini is funny as a scumbag stunt man who loves his women (basically Tom just played himself). But there is no blood or gore, there is nothing scary about the film, and the editing is really poor. I would rather see midgets shoot their little people pee all over a bag of Dorito's for 90 min. Now that would be an effect! I would rather see mentally challenged people drool all over bare breasts for 90 min. That would be an effect! Watching Joe Pilato mope around and fall in love with a female gaffer on some cheap movie is not an effect! Effect rhymes with erect.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Your suffering will be legendary, even in direct to video sequels! Doug Bradley gets another paycheck as Pinhead in the newest poopfest from Rick Botard, Hellraiser: Hellworld. This time, Rick insults the fans by having a story that acts as if Hellraiser was a movie and all made up. A bunch of cool style kids (punk girl, heroine, jerky guy, hero, and black guy) play a computer game and win a chance to go to a lame as hell (get it????) party run by Lance Henriksen who starts killing the kids off one by one because he blames them for the death of his son who poured gasoline on his body because Rick Botard wanted him to be in a Hellraiser sequel. At first I felt sorry for Lance but then I remembered he was in Mangler 2 so he deserves what he gets. Lance, we loved you in Aliens and Near Dark so stop making direct to video sequels! What's next, Prophecy: Lancelot the Angel or Witchcraft VXIVX: Couldron of Lance? Oh I got one, Children of the Corn 8: Lance's Children! These Hellraiser movies have turned into a Freddy's Nightmares but without Freddy and with Pinhead. Is it real or a dream? Who cares! I asked myself the same question as I was watching this DVD. I would have rather paused it on one of the scenes of nudity, send some knuckle children onto the TV set, and go to bed.
Please God, I know you can hear me. I have been good lately and I think you owe me a favor. Please God, stop these bad, evil producers in making PG-13 rated horror films, especially remakes of Japanese movies. Can you do me this one favor? God, you should have seen this movie. It's atrocious! The editing was so bad it made no sense. One second a character is holding something and the next shot, its gone. The acting was OK but why are you punishing Tim Roth? He can be in better movies than this. The "twist" you can seeing coming after the first 20 minutes! There is not one thing scary about this film aside from the fact that I spent 9 dollars on this turd. McHale's Navy is scarier than this! God, why can't you get these studio executives to go balls out and make good old fashioned, gory, scary horror films? If you can grant me this favor, I promise I won't carve racial slurs into female buttocks anymore. And you know I love doing that.
You want to see the most pretentious, laughable, boring, movie ever made? You got it with Closer. Based on a play (red flag goes up there) about 4 despicable human beings who screw each other over (literally too) and...well, that's it. There is no plot other than these nitwits falling in and out of love faster than Charlie Sheen's life. Not once did I believe any of these characters were ever in love. I also never believed that they ever could fall in love with each other. Why does stuffy Jude Law falls for a stripper? Because she got hit by a car and smiled at him before she got hit. Why does big mouthed Julia Roberts fall for this English guy? Because he bought her a balloon at an aquarium. This is it folks! Lots of action here! Move over Die Hard, here comes Closer! Oh and get ready for some of the most vile, over the top graphic dialog ever in a film. The swearing would make Andrew Dice Clay, Peter North, Howard Stern, and Scott Estes wince. Not to mention when people speak, the other responds so quickly you can tell this is written and we are watching a movie. Why does Jude Law act like a woman in a chat room? How did Natalie Portman know that Jude Law was cheating with Julia Roberts? Why does the Virgin Mary pop up at the end holding an issue of Redbook, wearing a t-shirt that says, "Make mine Marvel"? Oh and to the girl who was talking thru the whole movie at the LaGrange Park movie theater, I hope that someday red ants crawl into your pubes as your boyfriend/husband punches you in the face repeatedly.
Arnold is huge in this film. His poop has muscles. The man just does not frig. Arnold has his mind erased and must find out why everyone is trying to kill him and the key lies on the planet Mars. The special effects are still great, we see Arnold take an ax to a few people, rip off Michael Ironside's iron arms, shoot people, bangs Sharon Stone, eats apple pie, and many other actions such as walking and talking. Paul Verybigchoda directs this sci-fi masterpiece. This could be better than his Robocop. How can you go wrong when you see a woman with three breasts? THREE! Living in Chicago I wish we could have Johnny Cabs. Instead we have Jumbalia Cabs where the cab driver smells like curry and his prices are higher than Christopher Lloyd's character from "Taxi". Sorry Bob!
Someone needs to tell Tobe Hooper to retire. It started with that Spontaneous Combustion movie. Then it went to Night Terrors. Then he went to "drama' with Apartment Complex. Then he tried to re-make Eaten Alive with Crocodile and now he remakes Toolbox Murders. Toolbox murders is a step up from these films but that's like saying, "Well that mentally retarded child just peed in my mouth when he was originally going to poop in it." Toolbox is terrible. After a promising opening of a woman being terrorized in her apartment by a killer and having her head bashed in with a hammer, we have a young couple (is it me or does every horror movie now have actors under the age of 45?) who move into this crummy apartment with lots of funny and quirky characters. (aka: annoying and not funny) The killer once in awhile springs up to kill a few people (one he kills thru an elevator which we never see. Guess he forgot his toolbox for that one) The killer even has acid in his toolbox! Who caries that? I know Adam Suess carries huge sub sandwiches in his but not acid. The history behind the killer almost makes zero sense and when there isn't a killing, the movie stops dead and is more boring than watching man glaze dry. There is no suspense, the gore is edited (its added as "deleted scenes" on the DVD with a stupid time code running thru the whole scene) no boobs or broccoli bush, bad acting, and the ending is a complete rip-off of Halloween. The movie is better than Drowning in the Haze however. Rent the original Toolbox Murders otherwise stick a screwdriver up your butt.
God, what a great film. Maybe one of the funniest films. The movie tries way too hard to be a "guy" flick and it boarders as being homoerotic. Seeing Swayze almost nude doing karate as an old Uncle Jesse looking guy watches him is just creepy. Swayze is Dalton, a guy who thinks pain doesn't hurt, a guy who can rip your throat out with his bare hands, a guy who can kick your ass and then take home Kelly Lynch and bang her the same night. Dalton is trying to clean up the Double Duce, a rough bar where the patrons aren't very friendly. The dialog is brilliant! We get lines like, "I f--- guys like you in prison!" "The Double Douche?" "Come on, chicken dick!" "You're too stupid to have a good time." "God, I love the way Don Knots makes love." The movie has tons of violence, a bar fight every 15 min. or so. Boobs flop around alot too and for the women and Shawn, Swayze shows his buns. Ben Gazzara as the bad guy chews his scenery like Adam with wings. It's a very fun film and if you don't take it too seriously, you'll enjoy it. If you liked Sense and Sensibility, you'll enjoy Road House!
David Hess and Franco Nero: how can you go wrong? Great action/drama about a married couple who hate each other that pick up an escaped convict played by the man, David Hess. He holds the two hostage as the couple try and work together to get rid of him any way they can. Awesome dialog, good acting, some nice suspense scenes, and plenty of female nudity make this a must see. The ending however is pretty dumb and should have ended about 20 min. earlier.
The actor's pubes! My God, you know a film is 70's when men have sideburns by their peckers. The women in the film have such thick bush that you could knit a sweater with it. Oh, the movie? Typical film about some anthropologists who crash their plane into the jungles of Malasia and are attacked by cannibals. Pretty tame compared to the director's Cannibal Holocaust but still gory near the end. Nicely shot and the acting is fine but the film gets boring until the action picks up. The actor in the film must have guts because he is urinated on and his weiner is slapped around and played with by natives during one scene that had me laughing hysterically.
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