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Cougar Sightings (2016) (V)
New name, same ZZ stuff, 22 July 2016

Due to mission drift, clear-cut categories involving mature women have pretty much merged, and for Brazzers this new series is no different than earlier series like "Mommy Got Boobs" or "MILFS Like it Big". It's saved by good casting.

It's especially rewarding to see Lezley Zen, back 15 years after her rise to stardom, equipped with big new breasts to qualify for various Brazzers vignettes. Here she's playing an extremely aggressive type taking advantage of prison parolees.

The biggest names around all have sexy, if rather stupid, little stories to play, including an outdoor d.p. for Ava Addams, Kendra Lust & Phoenix Marie teaming up for a threesome and reigning queen Julia Ann a powerhouse in the usual Bonus vignette.

There are low points, notably humping in public in a funeral home next to the casket starring bondage/fetish specialist Akira Lane; and newcomer Darling Danika as a tattooed Kendra Lust type who seduces young Jessy Jones but didn't impress me.

Italian attempt at Grifter porn fails, 22 July 2016

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Hardly as clever as the filmmakers would have you believe, "Love in Belvedere" is a romance set in Italy that should have packed a wallop instead of just earning a modest head-nod at the end. Using the XXX sex content as a crutch was a mistake -it should have been a springboard for an interesting story with surprise twists.

Situation is simple: a married couple is vacationing for a couple of weeks at an idyllic location, and the wife, buxom star Amandha Fox falls for a sexy guy she meets at the hotel. Her husband is playing around, giving her lame excuses for his absences, and by film's end she has determined to leave him and go off with the new amour.

SPOILER:

There are other minor complications, but the five lengthy sex vignettes eat up nearly all of the running time. Final reel revelation that the lover is merely a hired hand who goes on a circuit of leading hotels, bamboozling wealthy women to drum up business for the hotels (he gets a hefty kickback) is unconvincing and not an impressive scam that fooled us all along. It plays more like a tacked-on twist.

Fox is foxy and the other leading ladies from the Pinko label's stable including superstar Alexandra Stein and Russian would-be bombshell Jarushka Ross are not enough to put this one across. Vet director Alessandro Del Mar aka Max Bellocchio has made scores of similar features, mainly for Private and Dorcel, and this one ends up being just as routine.

Misguided "concept" porn from Adam & Eve, 22 July 2016

Specialized porn features recently from Adam & Eve have been both ill-conceived and poorly executed. Single-minded focus on such matters as blow-jobs or girls with hairy pussies results in boring videos, and this two hours of hand-jobs is no exception.

It's a silent film, with seven tedious vignettes of one or more girls stroking a porn actor until a money shot is generated. The End.

Sounds stupid and it is. With an emphasis on young, fresh female talent the video does supply the eye candy but in an unexpected way it emerges as way too soft-core to pass muster as Adult Entertainment. One could imagine that in the not-too-distant future such an exercise, as long as the girls refrained from adding blow jobs, could qualify as late-night programming on Cinemax or Showtime.

Adam & Eve made its reputation with Couples Romances, which this ain't. It's wimpy, and that is exactly the bad connotation both "Couples" and "Romance" as genres have in the marketplace.

Probably because the structure is so limiting, as well as being bored on the set, the final vignette featuring Aleska Nicole does feature a brief blow job and breast-sex but that's too little too late.

Pets (2001) (V)
Intriguing premise, poor execution, 22 July 2016

"Great Pets", which is abbreviated as just "Pets" on the DVD liner, is one of those bright ideas in search of development. Many films are made with their central ideas only half-baked, especially in these days of a profusion of indie projects. But here we have a good notion gone bad.

Racking my brain (what's left of its grey cells after a lifetime misspent watching far too many movies) the closest precedent to this feature is an extremely obscure film I watched many decades ago, Robert Downey Senior's "Pound". That experimental feature concerned dogs in a dog pound waiting to be adopted, played dramatically by actors not animated characters and without hokey makeup.

"Great Pets" is science fiction/fantasy, putting us into a parallel world where the pets in effect own the owners. It's not Rod Serling or "Planet of the Apes" but rather a seemingly genius porn concept with the pets being nude actors and actresses frolicking around outside but talking in quite sinister terms about their masters and what they plan to do to them.

Sounds surefire, almost qualifying for the "why didn't I think of that?" file. But director Jim Enright and writer-producer Michael Raven (latter sort of hogging the credit) get it wrong, failing to make the most of the gimmick and settling for mechanical sex instead. Perhaps it would take an intellect and artist at the level of Jonathan Swift or Rabelais to pull off such a concept to perfection, but these pornographers miss by a mile, using up most of their brownie points earned for having a good notion in the first place.

I won't spoil the brief mythos presented in the story, which some viewers may find clever. The cast, led rather confusingly by Charlie and Jassie, two actresses whose resemblance to each other stopped me in my tracks as to who was in which scene and why, are far better at humping than achieving the Living Theater type of movement and performance to make one believe they are portraying pet dogs rather than just good-looking nude porn stars. Always lovely TJ Hart plus Monique De Moan are more successful at commanding one's attention.

So file "Great Pets" aka "Pets" in the coulda been a contender file, a sublime concept waiting for a more talented Adult filmmaker to develop and tackle.

Just Jasmin (1996) (V)
Just take it away, 22 July 2016

Too much of Jasmin St. Claire is not a good thing, Modest in talent though big in boobs, the brief-career starlet of the 1990s delivers 70 minutes of bad road in "Just Jasmin", a John T. Bone-directed junker that is truly ephemeral, so much so that IMDb had no inkling it ever existed until my recent adding it to the database.

Three segments all star Jasmin, doing her anal & d.p. thing in boring fashion. Of course, if you're one of her long-memory fanatical fans you'll watch it with spittle dripping from your chin, just like one of Pavlov's dogs. For the rest of us, it's better and faster acting than Sominex.

She has group sex and a gang-bang on a cheap set and receives numerous facials. Certainly entertainment at its finest. Feature has been revived on a 3-fer title "Amazing Jasmin Trilogy for DVD fans. Amazing is the name of the porn label, not a description of the contents.

Lost and Found (2013) (V)
Assembly-line crap from Digital Playground, 22 July 2016

Ostensibly just another vehicle for contract actress Bibi Jones, "Lost and Found" is a bit worse than usual. Robby D., who calls this a "getaway" rather than a joint, seems to be shooting on autopilot.

Attempting to make sense out of nonsense, I determined that the hook for an hour and a half of nothingness set at a beachfront time-share is the title basket of discarded objects sitting in the foyer near the entrance. But the tenuous connection of said objects to the action is so flimsy i'm surprised they didn't just say "The hell with it!" and shoot an all-sex feature.

Keiran Lee pops up on loan from Brazzers following the merger of Dig. Playground with that big-tits label. He plays Bibi's boyfriend who is apparently a workaholic, chafing at her dictum that no phones or computers allowed during their weekend at the beach. So-called comedy erupts when she throws his pesky phone in the sand and he later cheats, working on his laptop. The scene of her getting mad at him as he leaves is so poorly played by Keiran I couldn't believe my eyeballs.

Before this ill-matched duo hump, we are treated to a lesbian scene by intruders Kayden Kross and Celeste Star, sort of squatters for the moment at the beach house. Celeste is a lesbian cinema icon and Kayden is just another contract player fulfilling a commitment.

These and the other vignettes all have some vague relationship to an object in the Goodwill lost & found basket, but i failed to recognized any significance. Apparently Robby felt guilty about stringing footage together and calling it a feature, an attitude Dig. Playground has abandoned more recently as many of their new releases are just that - a bunch of random footage sold as a DVD.

I was glad to see a "never made it" favorite of mine, big-tits McKenzee Pierce, as well as a no-name redhead Jessica Robbin horning in on Pierce's eye candy casting niche. Typical of the lame attempt to kill time, we have clunky James Deen pop up to give Bibi a lesson in what Polaroid cameras are all about, merely to make all us viewers feel very, very old. You guessed it, an old Polaroid camera ready to take pictures was sitting in the Lost & Found bin. Robby D. is so untalented and chintzy that he doesn't even show us any of the resulting Polaroids, let alone a montage of Bibi photographed with the camera - its existence is merely a talking point.

Dumb concept for Brazzers, 22 July 2016

Smacking of the pernicious influence of Reality-TV, this fourth edition in the little-publicized Brazzers series "Day with a Pornstar" is just that -some bloke hanging out with a pornstar and then humping her. So instead of play-acting a brief vignette before getting down to it, we have a sort of BTS moment integrated into the main feature, as said pornstar tells us a little about herself and then humps a professional actor, not some member of the studio audience.

This was shot in Miami as well as the Everglades, so local no-talent performer Levi Cash is pressed into action. The location photography adds some flavor. The femme cast, notably Ariella Ferrera in a lengthy bonus segment, go through their paces with faked enthusiasm, but it all adds up to nearly 4 hours of filler.

Cigarette smoking, that is, 22 July 2016

With the exception of cupcake sniffing/eating as a fetish, to me the "women smoking cigarettes" kink is the dumbest in the current porno/pervert roster. It's as if political correctness has seeped into an unlikely receptor -Adult Entertainment.

Smoking is not weird or aberrant behavior, it is an unhealthy habit and addiction. Even if it turns you on, that in and of itself is not a justification for a morbid interest to develop. And it is morbidness that determines the twin genres of horror and pornography.

So this DiSanto exercise with five lesser-known Brit porn actresses preceding their humping with a languorous smoking session is weak tea. Loz Lorrimar is always diverting, but hardly enough to justify such a waste of time. Obscure talent like Paris Rocks and Kat Monroe left me unimpressed.

The only point of interest for me was caused by label Killergram's habit of not listing credits upfront (sometimes not at all). So I had to play a guessing game with the male talent. I managed to instantly recognize 3 of the 4 cocks with guys attached, but Freddie Flavas, whose face was familiar, stumped me until I could squint at the tiny end credits.

Caliente (2006) (V)
Great gals, weak direction, 22 July 2016

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Jim Powers is a lacklustre porn director, capable of making good films but seemingly disinterested in the outcome of his many projects. "Caliente" had the potential to be a winner, but is just okay thanks to his slovenly approach.

It is conceived as a supernatural tale, only vaguely similar to a voodoo curse movie, which would have been a far better approach. Instead we have cute little jail-bait Kat (wearing braces yet), committing suicide when she's mistreated by typecast cad Nick Manning. Unfortunately for Nick, a vaguely Satanic biggie played by star Veronica Rayne curses him and later takes his soul.

Amidst the effective humping scenes featuring a bevy of beauties who may or may not be Latinas -it doesn't really matter, there are supernatural elements woven into the meager story line. A pasty makeup ghost version of Kat keeps appearing, to upset Nick and his guilty conscience, and there's a fine three-way set in low-budget Hell with two red-painted demons humping the tiny Kat. Powers completely muffs the finale, in which Nick's big death scene is confusing rather than moving.

For the record, Nick does emit his trademark dumb line "Droppin' loads!" on the verge of ejaculation toward the end of the film. A subplot involving cute Daisy Marie as a neighbor searching for her lost dog Pedro and unfortunately finding Nick instead, is ridiculous.

Atrocious, even by low-low standards of parody, 22 July 2016

B. Skow directed the late Chyna's successful porno feature "Backdoor to Chyna" so he and running-on-empty porn label Vivid (how the mighty have fallen) followed up with this horrendous junker. Shot on the cheap, no effort was made in the slightest to mimic the WWF/WWE personalities depicted here.

For example, the untalented Tommy Pistol is embarrassing as announcer Gene Okerfunk, not Okerlund, the only name that is changed. Mean Gene was a fellow with a distinct personality and Tommy doesn't resemble him at all. Like many of the other players he wears a phony mustache that is intentionally cheap and affixed poorly.

Though the BTS short subject showed some wrestling moves, in the film proper all we get is sex, as the 2012 edition of "Fucklemania" pits Chyna against various famous males from the genre, leading up to her hump-off with Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. This finale is supposedly fixed as Chyna is ordered by her boss to throw the match, as if wrestling were subject to that boxing corruption -it being impervious to fixing in that everything has always been planned ahead and choreographed. But even that idiotic premise is dropped or forgotten by Skow by the time the finale was shot.

This vast takeoff on "Wrestlemania" has the temerity to be staged with no audience. Even in the crummiest B movie or a Joe D'Amato boxing porno movie stock footage or something is used to represent the crowd reaction but Skow eliminates that aspect of the wrestling phenomenon entirely.

Worse, each of the personages just shows up - casting and performances have almost nothing to do with the folks being lampooned. Lee Stone as Vince McMahon has zero resemblance while Lisa Ann is completely wasted as his daughter Stephanie, completely wrong for the part. Seeing Lisa Ann playing second banana to Chyna in a porn film, lamely having lesbian sex with her in threesome with daddy (even the incest angle is uninteresting) is an insult.

Other egregious losers include Ron Jeremy as Capt. Lou Albano (they didn't even pop for a rubber band on his chin), disgusting to watch as he humps ring girl Valerie Kay; Alex Sanders with a crummy wig failing to suggest the great Ric Flair at all; Evan Stone surprisingly unfunny and not even trying as Hulk Hogan - a role one would have thought might have stirred Evan's comedic juices and improv skills; TJ Cummings looking like TJ Cummings rather than Jon Cena; and the late Sledge Hammer merely adding IR to the mix in a rather dumb casting as The Rock. Dying at a young age as a victim of police brutality, Sledge was at least saved from having to watch this clunker.


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