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Mom's Magic Massage (2017)
Routine Oiler with impressive femmes
This combo Sapphic message/incest compilation is a typical Stills & Mills effort, fortunate to have producer Bree Mills employing Alan rather than her usual hands-on director Barrett Blade. Fortunately the Chatsworth girls hired to lick, rub and penetrate each other are a beautiful bunch.
The lovely "Immoral Proposal" mansion (see Sweet Sinner's feature by that title starring April O'Neil) is the backdrop for a couple of segments: India Summer and step-sister Nikki Daniels humping away in the familiar master bedroom, while Rayveness is treated by her step-daughter Abella Danger to a spa day that helps the generations bond Sapphically and incestuously. Gracie Glam is the masseuse who works on both of them in a 3- way, with the lavish mansion a most unlikely setting for a Happy Endings massage parlor.
Video is prevented from being the "All-Female-Cast" exercise by the brief appearance of crew member AJ Bucks cast as Zoey Taylor's hubby, oblivious in the next room watching TV as Zoey is humped by over-sexed sister-in-law Kagney Linn Karter, easily breast in show.
Producer Mills stretches her incest bag of tricks in silly fashion when redhead Penny Pax massages & fornicates with her step-cousin Jade Nile, certainly a pointless sneaking in of far-removed relationships. Such silliness permeates the final vignette in which Cherie DeVille and step- daughter Alli Rae head to a spa called Sapphic Bliss on the advice of pal Tanya Tate (a literally phoned-in NonSex cameo), ending up in a foursome with masseuses Remy LaCroix and Dillion Harper. That scene represents a whole lot of inter-generational A-list talent, any one of which might star in a video rather than do a throwaway ensemble vignette.
Augmenting the action was a monochrome excerpt from an earlier Tanya video for the label, which was not much of a challenge to identify since I had already reviewed it and mentioned the prior foursome that featured Tate and kid Anikka Albrite getting woman-handled by Oilers played by less starry Lizz Tayler and Lyla Storm.
Badass School Girls (2006)
Overwrought jail-bait gonzo from Avalon
Though an avowed enemy of gonzo porn, James Avalon went along with the tide in this bloated (nearly 3 hours of newly shot content) gonzo exercise featuring young things in schoolgirl outfits. He did the same type of garbage for Adam & Eve and its crummy subsidiary Bad Seed in the form of "Bikini Pick-Ups", low water-marks in his career.
Though Avalon wisely hides out as "Zee Ro" in various on-screen credits, the actual DVD label and its box cover liner both list "James Avalon" as the director -ouch!
As with the bikini exercise, it's fake-reality time, reminiscent though inferior to those dozens of junky Omar Williams Brit Porn pro-am videos released by VCA nearly two decades ago. Difference is in the casting, as Avalon employs top Chatsworth talent, ranging from the lovely, pre-boob job Jenna Presley to a wonderfully ageless (she looks 13 years old even in her late 20s) Latina/Oriental stalwart, petite Keeani Lei.
Lei gets a threesome for some d.p. action, her two-toned shaved groin reminiscent of current Brit Porn star Tigerr Benson, but flat-chested compared to Tigerr's volleyball-sized fake bazooms. The five vignettes all have a porn stud, led by irritating James Deen, picking up the girls on the street with some lame line, then going inside to hump them. Same rotten format is currently in use in many a Private Media release, with Tony DeSergio or Marco Banderas prowling the streets of some European city to prey on Eastern European porn stars pretending to be girls just wandering around. (I'm so sick of this approach, recalling the worthless and primitive Brit Porn shows ground out by one Hazza B'gunne years after Omar showed how it's done.)
Whether this is standard gonzo or Adult Cinema's legal substitute for that dreaded kiddie porn remains in the eye of the beholder. But the repeated little girly behavior, pigtails and ridiculously revealing parody of school girl uniforms says it all. Only star Penny Flame's big breasts literally stand out as an exception, clearly belonging to a bonafide Porn Star and not some jail-bait girl pick-up, by any stretch of the imagination.
Altered Minds (2006)
Glamorous and mindless gonzo
"Altered Minds" is typical of the post-porn performing career of Jenna Jameson: abstract, producing lush gonzo content in tune with the times for her Vivid-distributed label Club Jenna and its website. The lovely female cast makes it watchable, but as with tens of thousands of similar releases in the past decade or two it requires putting one's mind on hold.
Primarily a scriptwriter, auteur D. Cypher doesn't make much of his story premise: lovely and unfamiliar (she looks most like Lesbian icon Sovereign Syre, enough resemblance to double for her) Jesse Capelli narrates as a rather mixed-up sex slave belonging to smug Nick Manning, typecast as a slimy chauvinist. She narrates sex vignettes mainly involving a character named Evil (as screenwriter I wouldn't accuse D. Cypher of being creative) portrayed by Brit Porn superstar McKenzie Lee with her big fake bazooms taking breast in show.
Evil is clad in latex as a dominatrix with a British accent, showing Jesse the ropes, as it were. Voyeurism is the main subtext, and the entire show is presented and book-ended on a TV screen, going to static. Our heroine watches Nick make love to a whore, and also watches others have sex, as well as the inevitable lesbian action between the two leads.
Film's climax is a six-girl lesbian orgy led by McKenzie in which some top talent is enlisted for masturbation and daisy-chain content. Two of the girls, still Lesbian cinema icons a decade later, are also given Bonus solos spots (masturbation of course) on the DVD: Karlie Montana and Celeste Star. Their frequent lezzie co-star and Vivid girl Kim Kane is also featured here, in her early career blonde incarnation.
Anti-climax is a final sex scene in which McKenzie services a silent Eric Masterson in an effort to mentor Jesse in how to bring out her "inner whore" (one of porn's leading clichés, alongside praise for oneself as a "slut"). This leads to a dumb ending, which I won't "spoil" (as if IMDb's warnings about Spoilers were relevant for the XXX gonzo genre), merely listing 4 alternate endings shown on the DVD, take your pick:
(A) McKenzie shoots Jesse to death metaphorically in order to take over as an alternate personality/alter ego in her body, then back physically as Jesse she laughs at master Nick, who gets mad and goes crazy at the sub rebellion;
(B) Same shooting and laughing, but Jesse suddenly stabs Nick to death with a fancy knife for a bloody finale;
(C) Same shooting and laughing, but Nick turns into an old bearded beggar type (courtesy of lousy makeup FX) and she stabs the beggar with the knife -same bloody finale as above; or
(D) Nick attacks McKenzie after her sex scene with Masterson, and a laughing Nick remains in control as end credits roll -no comeuppance for the cad.
Arousing big-bust vignettes
Casting is everything in these popular breast-fetish videos from Hungary, closer to all-sex than story-line cinema (similar to the Brazzers tradition). Presence of the ethereal Lucie Wilde makes this edition a winner.
The incomparably stacked natural beauty from Czech Republic appears in a threesome opposite Kyra Hot and Tarzan titled "Stacked Stress Busters!". It's set in an office and has enough breast worship to satisfy any fan o the genre.
Tarzan appears in three of the six segments, back for another threesome titled "Sexy Treatment" double-teaming hot nurse Patty Michova alongside Neeo.
The inimitable Tigerr Benson heats things up with "Carnal Consultation", one of her exercises in anal sex, with Nick Lang the lucky guy. An unfamiliar performer, whose very natural breasts counteract Tigerr's famously fake ones, is Auddi, seducing the bellhop (played by Tarzan) in "Dream Room Service".
IR action is provided by Franco Roccaforte, still getting it up after 24 years in the biz. He puts his BBD to a lass with extremely fake red hair (all the rage recently) Paige Delight.
Video is rounded out with a usual solo turn, this time afforded to British big-bust queen Harmony Reigns, also a member of the fake red hair club in other videos (see: "London Bangers").
The Neighbors Volume 3 (2013)
Solid cast redeems a deficient script
Very well-acted, James Avalon's final segment in this defunct Sweet Sinner feature series suffers from a ho-hum Avalon script, taking a formulaic version of "swapping" and going nowhere with the premise. The auteur's vaunted professionalism and good casting save the day.
Perhaps this series was discontinued because it is so basically cornball: sex among neighbors. But that hasn't stopped many other Sweet Sinner couples romances, say "My Daughter's Boyfriend", numbering 14 volumes and counting.
Playing at first like a real film, until Avalon reverts to nearly an all-sex approach for later reels, the show opens with forlorn Maddy O'Reilly searching for her lost dog Peanut. Good Samaritan Michael Vegas driving home stops to help her. Turns out she's just moved into the neighborhood with her widower mom, and Vegas invites her over to attend a barbecue presided over by his widowed dad, Steven St. Croix.
Fly in the ointment of a budding Vegas/Maddy romance is her showing up not only with mama but with her boyfriend James Deen, crushing Mike's hopes. He's bitter and moping afterward, but St. Croix instantly bonds with mature India, and they head to the master bedroom for some arousing sex -a more comfortable and talented team doesn't exist in Adult Cinema (I liken them to John Leslie and Annette Haven back in the Golden Age).
Meanwhile in another bedroom Deen humps Maddy, not exactly party protocol but fair game in a sex movie. The thrill for me is that all this is taking place in Sweet Sinner's "Immoral Proposal" mansion, and two of the DVD's trailers also are set there, including one for the April O'Neil starrer "Immoral Proposal" itself.
Later, India visits the mansion to apologize to Vegas for Maddy having brought her boyfriend along -she doesn't approve of Deen. Vegas is curt and disagreeable to her, but you can't keep a bonafide cougar like Summer down, so she easily seduces the boy and they have sex in yet a third bedroom of the luxurious place.
Rounding out the film's simplistic symmetry and inter-generational porn action, Maddy shows up to see Vegas bearing baked goods, but is greeted by daddy St. Croix instead, and she says "I was thinking about you". The audience is way ahead of the dumb script, especially since St. Croix has starred in an uncountable number of videos deflowering young girls, either incestuously or at arm's length. When he confesses to the girl awkwardly: "I kind of...with your mom", she responds: "Now you can take her daughter, too - I'm all yours", and we're back in one of the "Immoral Proposal" sacks for a rousing finale.
Clearly Avalon didn't try very hard in the creativity department here, but such is the decline in story-line Adult Cinema lately that I'll accept his half a loaf. He even winks at the audience with porn's version of those James Bond movie groaner one-liners, having Steven end his sex scenes quipping "Nice to meet you neighbor" and "Welcome to the neighborhood" after deflowering respectively mother and daughter.
Heart Breaker (1994)
Unusual pantomime porn from Pachard
"Heartbreaker" doesn't follow the usual rules of Adult Cinema, keeping the viewer guessing for a trim hour and fifteen minutes, representing one out of hundreds of examples of the talent of the late, great Ron Sullivan/Henri Pachard.
It eventually develops into lifestyle porn, showing the activities of Swingers long before today's pretentious "polyamory" movement, but how the filmmaker develops and presents his material is what's interesting.
Mysterious opening scene has Lana Sands (in voice-over) fending off her boyfriend's advances when driven home, but in sinister fashion he shows up in her bathroom to hump her. T.T. Boy is his usual malevolent self, but what might have been forced sex or cause for a Roughie a couple of decades earlier is satisfying to the flat-chested, exotic Lana. She is incorrectly credited as Lana Woods.
Male lead Jonathan Morgan (not his elderly father, as some idiot listed this title in IMDb with "Jonathan Morgan Sr." a the cast member, just fixed today by me) is introduced cryptically by T.T. telling Lana after his money shot: "Shhh, don't wake up Nick".
As Nick, Morgan is an interior designer/contractor, soon shown on the job (in a flashback) creating what looks like a movie set, with director Pachard in a noisy unbilled cameo as a carpenter. Ariana is shooting still photos of the workmen, and Morgan humps her. One of the workmen jerks off and delivers a money shot on Lana's ass after Morgan gives her a facial. This all turns out to be merely a sexual day-dream by Morgan.
The relationships of the characters are kept under wraps (creating some suspense), as star Kylie Ireland runs off, and Lana, dildo in hand, tries to get Morgan to service her, but instead she has to make do with Alex Sanders in the next room. In most porn films, then and now, I would ascribe this odd structure to either sloppiness or regression to all- sex, but Pachard has several tricks up his sleeve.
Kylie insists that Morgan join her in having sex with other people watching (or vice versa), and invites over a prostitute friend of hers named Billie, played by a young and very alluring Shelby Stevens. They end up with a very odd couple: Ian Daniels nicknamed by his wife "Asshole" (or alternately "Bad Boy"), a sort of retarded sex-machine who humps Stevens, while Kylie & Morgan watch. The wife is uncredited, but gives the film's best performance, a strange dominant who likes to berate her husband (he loves it), and masturbates while watching him go at with another woman, becoming tearful and sobbing by the time he climaxes. This "I like to watch" theme used to be extremely popular in porn, and Pachard milks it here for all its worth.
Poor credits are always annoying, and as best as I could identify the wife was played by Nikki Sinn.
Finale is really strange, set in a bathroom with folks humping in the bathtub, all staged realistically and continuing the feature's heavy emphasis on pantomime. It finishes the show on a upbeat note, and demonstrates how these oversexed swingers enjoy themselves. I expected dramatics and negativity, but was pleasantly surprised that the suffering and unhappy endings so popular with serious porn (softcore and hardcore) in the '60s and '70s was avoided.
Moving Out (2008)
Absence of bench strength
Watching Wicked Pictures' mediocre and hopelessly mundane film "Moving Out" I kept wondering: where are all the Wicked contract girls? Having been made in 2008, the fans deserved to see Kirsten Price, Stormy, Jessica Drake or perhaps Mikayla, but instead we have a nostalgia story about 3 roommates moving out of their loft featuring a trio of attractive but clearly C-list talent: Maya Gates, Brooke Banner and Renae Cruz. Clearly unwashed porn fans wouldn't kick any of the three out of bed, to use the tired cliché, but for the industry's top label what's going on here?
The BTS short subject on the DVD resolves that mystery, rather unintentionally: BTS cameraman/interviewer Red Ezra chats with Cruz who mentions she was expecting to co-star with Carmen Hart (under contract) but Maya Gates showed up instead. Ezra points out that her other co-star will be Brooke Banner instead of Kaylani Lei, explaining about the absent stars: "They both got ill after Vegas", evidently referring to some industry event, likely the AVN promotional conclave.
But this substitute issue is not the main reason for the film's utter failure. Billed pompously as a "Jonathan Morgan comedy creation", it is a flaccid sex movie that reminded me of those dreaded '70s loop carriers: theatrical films that had a semblance of framing story but consisted simply of recycled or sometimes newly-shot vignettes strung together randomly to fill out the required running time.
Morgan has the trio with moving boxes all packed reminiscing about old times, with five XXX segments in flashback for the audience's prurient benefit.
One involves a Y2K New Year's Eve party in which there is a blackout, creating fears that the dreaded millennium disaster as predicted is occurring. Instead, Voodoo goes to the fuse box, proves nothing much happened, and Brooke humps him out of relief. Eight years later they're still together, handling poor Morgan-scripted banter.
South American bombshell Gates admits in the BTS that she only learned English four months ago, well into her Adult career, and her line readings reflect this problem. But all three leads rush through their dialog unconvincingly (like reading the phone book, to toss in yet another appropriate cliché) as they and Morgan are in quite a hurry to get on with the sex.
Gates' flashback is with a biker named Snake, listlessly played by Alex Sanders who is already considerably over the hill by the time this was shot, seguing more usefully into his later career as editor. Morgan ridicules Gates in the BTS (knowing she can't fully understand his English put-downs), mocking her expertise in anal sex, and that is what we get from her and Alex.
Cruz, who plays a stereotypical hippy-dippy save the world type, anxious to help out in Africa at a project manufacturing air conditioners at a coal-fired plant ("chill out" is her motto), gets to hump a Senator played by Steven St. Croix. Morgan's lame script pays equal time making fun of right-wingers and left-wingers, but his funniest material is saved for his asides in the BTS, not the film he wrote.
Lesbian sex is the theme of the remaining segments, one involving our girls led by Brooke turning into peeping Thomasinas, with a telescope aimed at a neighbor's pad where Tommy Gunn is making out with Kylie Wylde. Gates visits them to see what's happening, resulting in a threesome that includes Maya/Kylie action.
Finale is a flashback of the star trio playing a watered down version of Truth or Dare, for a lesbian three-way involving toys. Film's non-ending is Brooke leaving, nothing having happened for these boring characters except the flashback anecdotes.
Needless to say, superstars Carmen and Kaylani couldn't have saved this turkey and probably were relieved that they weren't forced (perhaps shooting might have been delayed until they felt better) under contract to appear in it.
Fascinating experiment from Adult Entertainment's 2nd Golden Age
Adult Cinema fans know the period of the mid-'70s through roughly 1983 as the Golden Age, when theatrical porn including so-called "Porno Chic" represented the artistic peak for the medium. But this imaginative version of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" is typical of the great romantic cinema achieved by pornographers (especially at Adam & Eve) around the turn of this century, before succumbing to all-sex gonzo as the industry norm.
The BTS short-short (3 minutes long) subject on the DVD reveals from a shooting script the original project title of "Decadent Desires". But the film is an ambitious undertaking, featuring rhyming dialog, cheap but dazzling sets, makeup and stage craft, and excellent performances, notably by Ava Vincent as the evil queen. I was surprised that no one had corrected a major credit for the Jacker Cat (Cheshire Cat) role listed in pseudonym as "Kevin Costler" when under the makeup it's clearly Steven St. Croix (I just fixed it in IMDb.
The individual scenes do not follow Lewis Carroll's creation closely at all, merely using his dazzling fantasy as a jumping off point for XXX content and amusing and/or weird face-offs. Central role of "Alece" (pronounced as if spelled Elise) is the best one of the career of Allysin Chaynes, who does a good job of appearing innocent no matter what sexual act she's engaged in, and delivers her lines well, though clearly upstaged by Vincent's dramatic readings. Other strong performances are given by Shanna McCullough and guest star Wanda Curtis, latter a masturbator of the first order. Bridgette Kerkove fills out her fanciful costume memorably, though is not given much to do.
Clearly not for all tastes, this labor of love puts into proper perspective the trash recently created by the hack Axel Braun in his series of big-budget fairy tale porn releases. Enright is a serious filmmaker who at times creates honest parodies, not the rip-offs categorized in recent times as "porn-parody". Contrast "Wonderland" with any Axel Braun video including the many "award-winning" ones, and one can see the night and day difference in quality.
Addicted to Niko (2007)
Dull compilation devoted to the Playgirl stud
The lesson of "Addicted to Niko" is that vignettes starring the mighty- abs stud are best spread over a number of Wicked Pictures releases, rather than bunched up in one indigestible glop. It sure gets tiring watching him do his thing ad infinitum.
So the best segment by far in this crummy release, shot in 2005 bit by bit for the Playgirl TV channel and compiled two years later on DVD, is the bonus vignette entitled "Stripped" (an utterly pointless title) in which a gramophone playing a 78rpm disk dominates the frame except for Julian's huge cock humping away at a fair lass. Of course, Julian in his days under Vivid contract was afforded his own showcase compilations, but he's far more deserving (and impressive a performer).
Other than that interloper and an inevitable masturbation solo for one Tommy D., it's all Niko, humping seven girls, even though the film credits a grand total of nine actresses, one too many when you add Nilo's 7 conquests to Julian's single score. Unlike later Wicked releases of Playgirl content, the individual segments are not credited, so I couldn't figure out which lady was missing in action.
Only girl singled out was Jamie Huxley because her stint titled "Model & Photographer" is an 11-minute BTS only, also featuring uncredited Nicole Sheridan in her familiar NonSex role as still photographer. Nicole's mate Voodoo is briefly on screen (also shooting stills) and a further cameo looked like Francois Clousot, presumably the director of this bonus vignette.
Sole point of interest in the 6-scene, 74-minute main Niko program is watching his styling change, sometimes clean shaven and in other scenes sporting a mustache and cleanly cropped beard. Pardon me while I yawn.
Adventures in Eden (2013)
Dumb, poorly executed "Vacation genre" porn
Not really a follow-up to Adam & Eve's big-budget "Eden" project shot six years earlier, this sex travelogue suffers from an imbecilic script from Cash Markman (what else is new?) and brain-dead direction by one "Eric Avalon". Avalon, if indeed such a person exists, is credited with dozens of Brazilian features for Adam & Eve but if I had to hazard a guess I would credit Jake Jacobs as the auteur, he being the cameraman and maker of his own Brazilian features for other labels like Penthouse (and Jake presides over the feature-length BTS on the DVD as if he were the man in charge).
Not to waste time or money, A & E simultaneously shot a second, lesser- known companion feature with exactly the same cast and crew titled "Secret of Sex Island", one I'm not looking forward to watching, but will, alas, eventually.
But at the moment, "Eden" concerns a middle-aged schlump played by Evan Stone who dreams of being in the Garden of Eden as Adam, quite a stretch for the paunchy, over-the-hill ham-bone actor. There he encounters Eve in the person of Allie Haze who (as flavor of the month back when this feature was shot) gets top billing even though that should have been afforded to India Summer as Stone's wife.
Markman, who uses the moniker Marc Cushman in his day job teaching unfortunate students the art of screen writing (!!), injects an obnoxious character as the (cheap puppet) serpent in the Garden, making wisecracks and generally leading Evan astray. It's Markman self-indulgence at its worst, frequently and oh-so-cutely breaking the fourth wall with in- jokes and meta-film references, e.g., declaring "I just told everybody in the voice-over" and "What happens in Eden stays in Eden". I guess Cushman's dreams of becoming a fourth-rate Vegas lounge comic were dashed many decades ago. At any rate, he manages to give his favorite actor (NonSex) Frank Bukkwyd a job as the serpent's voice.
Film falls apart early as director Avalon abandons continuity and just throws in sex scenes willy-nilly. Evan witnesses an orgy on the beach that mixes Chatsworth talent like Krissy Lynn and Michael Vegas with pick-up Brazilian players on location including the beautifully busty Fabiane Thompson, a fixture in these "vacation" style shoots.
Avalon's sloppiness is most evident in handling the gimmick of wife India popping up in the dream, as we see her in the beach orgy earlier but dimwitted Evan supposedly doesn't recognize her until later when he's face to face.
Despite her billing, Haze gets lost in the shuffle en route to an ultra- cornball finale of Evan pleading "All I really want is to have my wife back", cuing his wake-up back in bed and humping India, pledging to turn over a new leaf. Cushman through snake narration gets the last, stupid word: "Adventure is a state of mind...and genitals". Words to live by, if your a hack writer whose 1,000-plus output consists entirely of porn videos.