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Stuffin' Young Muffins 4 (2005)
Jailbait put through their paces
Another gonzo video I received as a "bonus" for ordering the requisite amount of more enduring product, this typical example of porn featuring "fresh meat" delivers exactly what it promises: dehumanizing sex with young girls. Director Scott Taylor cranked out dozens of these empty exercises before finding his niche as Jacky St. James's producer.
The five wall-to-wall sex vignettes vary in quality (natch), using a format of mansion backdrop, intimate eye contact with the camera and straight sex: no condoms, no anal.
I enjoyed seeing Sunny Lane take on Mr. Pete -she's the freshest talent on view, circa 2005. Pete also services Chase Desani, while Mark Ashley takes on Jackie Ashe (performing effortless deep throat) and Victoria Sweet (who receives a cream-pie for variety's sake).
Batting cleanup is Ben English, paired with Estella, who, alas, never seems to have been hired for a non-gonzo, storyline feature.
These actresses have a limited shelf-life: other than superstar Sunny, who had lost that freshness seen here before hitting age 30, and Sweet, whose prolific gonzo-only career didn't take her to 30, the other 3 gals were put out to pasture by 2008, just 3 years after this video was released. With all the tiresome hype on the BTS short subjects of how wonderful it is for 18 to 23 year old women finding their true calling in the Adult biz, the facts remain otherwise.
The Other Side of Lianna (1984)
Ron Jeremy is the Devil in this yawner
Another clunker from actress-turned-director Drea, THE OTHER SIDE OF LIANNA is a sloppy fantasy wasting some beautiful actresses in a tiresome video. Even Ron Jeremy's comedic antics as The Devil (no less) can't save it.
Redhead favorite Cyndee Summers plays a housewife, with Ron popping up as a door-to- door salesman, working for Infernal Industries. He makes plenty of wisecracks, and shows Cyndee (as Lianna) a magic music box that plays a hypnotic tune.
Fantasy enters the picture as Ron puts a cloth on Cyndee's face, instantly transforming the house frau into a bombshell, and then humps her. He pretends to cum, but doesn't (unexplained). This sort of trial offer pact with The Devil has her promising not to tell her husband about the aphrodisiacal music box.
Her pal Tamara Longley visits and sees the music box when no one's home, and gets horny, masturbating. Lianna's hubby Steve Drake comes home and instantly f*cks Tamara.
William Margold is the boring bartender at the local watering hole, where Lisa De Leeuw holds court wearing a cowboy hat. Lisa picks up Cyndee and they have a lesbian sex scene right at the bar. (Cyndee's beautiful here -hotter than in her first career over a decade earlier during porn's early days.) Coming to her senses, Cyndee runs away.
Ron calls his boss - it turns out he's merely an apprentice devil on probation, and running under his quota for collecting souls. He goes to the bar in quest for same and exploits his special power to control what people say.
Margold acts as the straight man, with Ron comically seducing Lisa at the bar.
Tamara brings Guy (Dino Alexander) to visit Cyndee & Steve. Cyndee is embarrassed when the other folks start talking dirty and Lisa shows up thinking it's a party. An orgy erupts to Cyndee's dismay, and she runs away, taking the music box with her. I've seen about half of the videos credited in IMDb to screenwriter Hart Williams and this one does not depart from his batting a neat .000.
Story is slightly confused at this point, as Cyndee is looking ultra-sexy, and Ron suddenly reappears wearing only a red towel as he tries to get her to sign the soul-contract just 12 minutes before his deadline is up. Ron humps Cyndee and with her unconscious the scene shifts to Margold's wine cellar, with just 9 minutes to go.
Tlhe rest of the cast is there, lying around -asleep. Cyndee finally figures it out: "You want my soul, right?, and insists on another sex bout with Ron before signing. Too late -he's missed his deadline and is reassigned to dog duty.
A tacked-on ending has Cyndee & Drake back in bed humping as if nothing had happened, writing it all off as just a strange dream (my least favorite ending gimmick of all time). Anticlimax shows Ron walking a dog.
In yet an even dumber touch, Drea reprises after the video ends a shot of Ron getting a blow job at the bar from Lisa earlier in the show, which yielded a cum shot. I guess it's repeated just to remind us that the self-styled stud actually could deliver, after his scenes with Cyndee had him coming up empty. Such are the perils not so much of fame but of building a reputation on something so ephemeral as "the little death".
Too Young to Care (1975)
Fun, trivial Mitch/Vanessa vehicle
NYC porn talent is out in force in Richard Mailer's forgettable THE HORNY LANDLADY. The cliché "I've seen worse" immediately comes to mind to describe it.
Farcical premise is entertainingly absurd: Vanessa del Rio, of all people, is cast as a prudish landlady who rents a room to a very young looking Sharon Mitchell as Carrie, with lots of rules, including "No male visitors". "I don't think she's ever had sex," declares Sharon about VDR.
Mitch humps Bobby Astyr, who has to hide under her bed to avoid detection by nosy VDR. Vanessa finds a "Smut from the Past" magazine in Carrie's room and reads purple-prose literary porn - we get to see it acted out as she narrates. VIgnette has Peonies Jong as an Oriental girl named Victoria giving a Black dude a blow job.
Carrie visits Herschel Savage and they hump twice, with the odd effect of matted visuals of the ocean superimposed as pan-pipes play - elevating the dingy production values to create a romantic mood. Scene ends with a simulated Golden Shower on her as Savage laughs.
VDR confesses her sexual hang-up to Mitch and asks for help, so Carrie sends her to guru Vincent. Vincent introduces her to Larry, a bon vivant type and then directs them to have sex. At this point, Vanessa's blow job technique reveals she's experienced -not the character but a usual flaw I keep seeing even in the newest porn videos. She protests a bit but agrees to anal sex with Larry (played by big-dicked Peter Andrews), and upshot of it all is they fall in love and become a romantic couple wandering around NYC as Svengali Vincent watches.
Under Vincent's tutelage we see Mitch giving Larry a sensual blow job - VDR arrives and is shocked to see this. Vincent informs the Latin bombshell that she must learn to love the things that make Larry happy -truer sexist words were never spoken (DISCLAIMER alert: yours truly is named Larry).
As part of her overall training, Vincent humps VDR including a "69" position, and then the foursome change positions. Director Mailer narrates at the end, implying this XXX exercise was tongue-in-cheek after all.
To reiterate, I've seen worse.
Sex Beat (1986)
Raconteur Jeremy proves he can't direct
Ron Jeremy's fame and place in porn history are secure, but I don't recall anyone addressing the many videos he's directed -he seems to get a free pass. SEX BEAT is an example of shoddy workmanship and lack of the most basic talent - DVD version I watched was a mere hour long but that's a relief rather than a disappointment.
Krista Lane (a favorite actress of mine, misused here) has a Swingers magazine column entitled "Definitely Needing Tracy', undoubtedly a reference to the Rosanna Arquette/Madonna movie of that era. Convoluted plot line (plus improvised nonsense) has Connie impersonating Krista to hump rock star Dick Slick (Peter North) on the shoot of a music video.
Steve Powers (as Guitar Steve) is the nominal hero, first seen getting a Krista blow job and later in a threesome with some pretty girls. A girl named Julia masturbates while reading Swingers magazine and wants to meet Steve and Tracy. Citing (namedropping) Andrea True and Wendy O. Williams there is a notion that porn folks might crossover into mainstream music, including Steve.
Julia fantasizes a romantic tryst with Steve. Julia's boyfriend Don receives a letter from Tracy delivered by unlikely postman Marc Wallice (dressed in UPS shorts). Plot gets quite muddled at this point, as Julia faints, is carried away by kindly Blake Palmer but awakes thinking she is Tracy.
Julia seduces Blake and invites him to the big party Tracy is throwing. There's a gimmick here of Julia bumping her head (the on/off switch for her mental condition) but auteur Ron seems to have omitted a crucial scene -namely the bumping.
At the big party North as Dick Slick puts on a ridiculous accent and talks a bunch of nonsense. Things get even sloppier, as Don at the party gets to meet Tracy and their improvised dialog goes nowhere.
Jack Baker is the party emcee, with Krista (don't quit your day job) singing in a crappy rock band featuring Blake. Actual party is very poorly photographed and the video ends abruptly with her song, no plot threads resolved at all.
Pethaps this hour-long piece of junk was originally longer and the DVD is a fragment, but I've seen enough. Regarding the lack of resolution at the end of video, to paraphrase the final line of many a crummy sci-fi film: "There are things man is not meant to know".
Deep Rub (1979)
1-note porn wastes a starry cast
The masseuse is a mainstay (currently quite popular) in porn, but this all-star production from the Golden Age simply rounds up the usual suspects and kills time.
Pic opens with Paul Thomas in his Corvette giving Desiree Cousteau a ride and hiring her as masseuse, after some fake romantic b.s. & a hump on the grass. Film quickly becomes asinine as PT has Serena teach Desiree how to suck cock, then the fine art of lesbian sex. An infantile approach treats Cousteau as if she were retarded or something.
Next an orgy on a charter fishing boat involving John Holmes kills time, followed by a cutely racist (cute given it's taking place in the past, not now) sequence. Desireee is asked to impersonate an Oriental woman as part of her job, picks up Mike Horner and Michael Morrison in Chinatown for a threesome, attempting a fake accent.
Her next client (it's quite clear that she's not a masseuse but a hooker by now) is a voyeur who likes to watch his wife make love to another woman. This scene is very clumsily directed by Leonard Kirtman and seems improvised, with the wife, beautiful Annette Haven, looking uncomfortable while the movie's title song is reprised. PT joins in for a threesome and for the second time in the movie his money shot looks fake. To top it off, this time there's no husband, so either the scene makes no sense (likely) or PT fabricated the entire assignment (who cares?).
Next scene of PT sending her to service his car mechanic sexually in lieu of paying the guy is merely stupid. Humping John Seeman, even a pro like Desiree is caught looking at the camera.
Last test before PT grants her a Deep Rub franchise of her own: she must get a guy to full erection and ejaculation in 4 minutes. This is the gimmick (but with extended time frame) right out of a vintage Rene Bond movie, with hokey clock-ticking music. Subject is "Sammy" but we never see his face and the money shot is not shown!
Additional test has her using hands-only on Paul - hand-job is completed off-camera with Paul pretending to come -extremely fake and insulting. Paul's ham-bone performance is embarrassing, and equally bad is film's coda where Desiree talks dirty directly to the camera, and we suffer through the title song one more time.
Guess Who's Coming (1973)
Droll porn takeoff of prim & proper folks
Shaun Costello tries his hand (and cock) at drawing-room comedy in GUESS WHO'S COMING, never as clever as its title. He probably digs classics like DINNER AT EIGHT, but lacks the Lubitsch/Cukor/Leisen touch (to belabor the obvious).
The sex literally drowns out the comedy in this one-day wonder. Georgina Spelvin demonstrates her anal specialty at a fussy dinner party and dumb gags include a girl named Bonnie eating a sandwich while giving Jeffrey Hurst a blow-job, or Shaun himself going out to the kitchen for "pussy-on-the-half-shell" from cook Bonnie. Lesbian sex and an orgy are thrown in.
There's no director credit so blaming it all on Costello is probably unfair, but them's the breaks - directing dozens of films anonymously can get you in trouble retrospectively.
Dear Throat (1973)
One-note blow job by vertically-challenged heroine
There are a few strange elements to DEAR THROAT, a poorly made and transparent attempt to ride the coat-tails of Damiano's hit DEEP THROAT. Chief mystery is why that earlier classic's co-star Carol Connors is presented here -looking beautiful - but given nothing whatsoever to do.
Actual anonymous heroine of DEAR is an unattractive brunette portraying "Miss Throat", a sexual Dear Abby who predates Dr. Ruth by at least a decade. Connors is her secretary, opening letters from a troubled public and duly reciting them (no memorization of lines required) while her boss gives blow jobs and then dictates inane suggestions to her loyal fans.
Miss T's daughter is an 18-year-old cutie named Doris who drives around town in a convertible. Awkwardly inserted parallel story involves one Johnny Walsh, a timid 21-year- old who leaves his parents' home in the sticks to take a bus to the big city. Doris bumps into him and discovering that he has only $6 and no place to stay invites him home to her spare room in mom T's house.
Scene where mom, daughter and Johnny meet at home establishes the film's oddest image: He's a very tall guy but Miss T looks to be about 4'9" standing next to Doris and him. That was perhaps the only interesting moment out of 68 minutes of running time for me.
Gimmick, not up to Damiano's creation, is that Miss T needs lubrication for her throat, so a steady stream of guys (which she pays for, Connors doing the bookkeeping) have to sit still for her blow jobs as she "works" at answering the public's letters, dictating (between slurps) to stenographer Connors. Carol looks so beautiful here she would be a show-stopper if in fact she were called upon to disrobe (nary a button gets unbuttoned) or have sex (unthinkable!) here. It reminded me a bit of her later audience-baiting (and disappointing) non-hardcore performance in the western SWEET SAVAGE, which capitalized on her name.
Subplot has familiar porn actor Marc Brock as a guy whose wife won't give him head, so he's a natural for blow jobs from Miss T. Brock's comedic and improv skills threaten to surface but he is hamstrung by the movie's rigid and boring structure.
Central scene late at night has horny Miss T accosting her tall new boarder with hand job and blow job while he sleeps. He wakes up but plays dumb, though when she's been satisfied and leaves he laughs uproariously, giving away the stupid film's "surprise" ending.
This garbage is completely ruined by the casting of diminutive Miss T. Most of the footage is her boring blow jobs in close-up but she has no technique and is so unappealing that when it comes time for Brock's big money shot in her mouth, one-shot incompetent filmmaker "P. Arthur Murphy" splices in a huge-breasted, big-nippled woman jerking off a different cock in slow-motion with fountains of cum ejected vertically. This 2-second highlight is all the fans get for their $5 (or whatever the going rate was at the theaters booking this crap).
A barely intelligent auteur would have done a rewrite and made Connors the titular lead, instantly exploitable as promoting the second banana from DEEP THROAT to star status in this ripoff. Sure she's too young to be Doris's mama, but I said rewrite or eliminate the blood-related daughter role entirely.
Sex Psychiatrist (1973)
Cute girl, weak porn
If one judges porn merely by the femme star's beauty/performance, then SEX PSYCHIATRIST is successful. But once you get past star Dalana Bissonnette's obvious appeal, you've got nothing.
Its shortcomings as a movie are amplified by it being accompanied on a DVD 3-fer from After Hours Cinema by a worse but oh-so-similar movie HIDDEN LUST. That one is a no-name regional (Southern) effort so obscure that IMDb has not even accorded it a listing.
Both films have the same approach: an unscrupulous shrink who takes advantage of femme patients and we would be expected to believe that rather than feeling raped, they love it. In porn, especially of the non-violent variety, there is no such thing as rape.
Bissonnette resembles current porn star Marie McCray, an undervalued performer whose 2008 starring debut as ANGEL FACE laid an egg. They're both beautiful, fresh-faced redheads and instantly win over the viewer.
Gimmick is that the shrink is not identified or shown, his voice dominating and his sexual activity ending up in anonymous P.O.V. format. He regresses Dalana to her 18th birthday and we see flashback humping too.
An ugly Aunt Libby shows up in the flashbacks for lesbian sex and is unappealing. Most tasteless (on purpose) flashback has Dalana sitting on the toilet (with loud, fairly silly hydraulic sound dubbed in to simulate urination), fascinating to her cousin Jeff, cuing more incest action with the extremely untalented no-name performer, with Aunt Libby catching them in the act.
Film is very sloppily constructed, with frequent cutaways to a scene of Dalana making love to her husband on a water bed which are pure filler.
Erotic Massage Stories (2013)
Good concept & XXX execution
Initial entry in this oiler series, which has quickly spawned 5 titles already, is quality porn for the purist. There's no beating around the bush, so to speak, but rather quality soft-core build-up and stimulating hard-core realization in each of 5 lengthy vignettes featuring beautiful women on the table.
Having watched several of the follow-ups I have to report that the quality level dropped off markedly after this first try -both running time and model selection nosediving. But this first one is a keeper.
Surefire gimmick is the eroticism of the girls' private parts plus limbs & torso glistening in oil and fondled oh-so-carefully by the stoic masseurs. This is no soft tease; once the action heats up there is plenty of deep throating and anal sex for gonzo fans.
Anonymous director known as "Brother Love" has one classic innovation similar to the gynecological close-ups that have plagued porn since the early '70s (and proved such a turn- off to fans who simply adore a more soft-core approach to screen sex). He has the masseur stroking and pinching a girl's oiled-up vagina and labia, generally seen from rear view or feet-upwards view rather than head-on, which is extremely erotic and even a novel perspective, prior to going full hardcore. This transitional porn element is crucial to the overall arc of a vignette's content, especially since fans have become accustomed (now regimented in the artificial DVD menu options) to a "pick your pleasure" style of tunnel-vision regarding the sex act for voyeurs.
Annisa Kate is my favorite here, paired on a massage table outside with Bill Bailey, and ending up with an anal cream pie. Cover girl Breanne Benson is perhaps the hottest model, treated to ice cube action and receiving a massive facial. The other girls, including deep-throating Samantha Saint, are just as alluring, and the fact that all five segments are impressive is quite a rarity in today's unrelated segments format. Clocking in at 168 minutes running time was not repeated in the much shorter (and concise) follow-ups in the series.
All told, my favorite oiler to date.
The Wedding Day (2010)
Quite watchable story-porn but uninspired
I was thankful for the "plays like a real movie" nature of THE WEDDING DAY, an early entry in the Romance series from porn label New Sensations. It's a shame the solid base was not used for a creative result.
Usually seen in gonzo outings (and now I believe she's retired) Ashlynn Brooke gets a chance to act as the film's bride Sabrina, with Mikey Butders as husband-to-be Jake. Story takes place over the last few hours before the nuptials, just enough time for the requisite humping.
There are plenty of complications, which get pretty well sorted out by the final freeze-frame. Condoms are in use throughout, a practice that has been completely dropped (by audience demand?) now that Jacky St. James and Eddie Powell have taken over directing these Digital Sin/New Sensations dramas.
First sex scene has big-dicked Bill Bailey humping Victoria Lawson, highlighted by P-O-V and low angle camera-work. Busty Devon Lee as crybaby mother of the groom has a solid sex scene, and the Steve Coogan lookalike Tony DeSergio has a good turn as Jake's best friend, getting to hump Briana Blair.
Happy conclusion has the engaged couple getting it on, with Mikey's acting deficient but the sex satisfying. Film benefits from the sex scenes running perhaps half as long as they do now in similar outings and proving that 15 minutes is more than enough time to get the fans off, leaving plenty of footage for dramatics and exposition.