Reviews written by
kefkajr

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140 reviews in total 
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Creature (1985)
2 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Good ALIEN-clone, 25 January 2003

There are some movies that are so good you simply can't avoid ripping them off. ALIEN is one of them and this movie is one of it's spawn.

But wait, there's something more and not just Klaus Kinski. CREATURE mixes things up with a zombie angle. There's also gallons of gore which indicates that this Mallone fella obviously knows what the B-Movie audiences want and wastes no time delivering them. Fun Movie. Recommended to any sci-fi/horror fan.

Troll 2 (1990)
2 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Where do I start?, 1 January 2003

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

While watching this, I realized I was seeing one inane flick but at least I could stomach it better than your average soap opera. Now I wonder just what have I done to my brain? It feels like it's turning into... green plant-like goo. AHHHH!

Possible Spoilers***

First, I'll say that I thought perhaps there might have been an intelligent idea at the development stage of this movie. Obviously that got lost somewhere in the inane dialogue (which sounds like it was written by someone who just came off a "Learn The Entire English Language In 2 Hours" program), the typical porn-quality direction from D'Amato, and the atrocious acting. I have never seen worst performances in my life and I'm not the kind of naysayer critic who bashes every horror movie ever made for it's acting quality. This was simply unbearable. I cringed just about every time the mom or sister spoke cause they look really stoned.

But wait, there's more. MUCH MORE. There's this witch who turns people into plants so she can eat them...seriously. Her acting is so over the top that her lines might as well been read from behind the camera. She has cheesy-lookin' green blood and can re-generate severed limbs by sticking her wound over a furnace. Her gray hair is obviously silver spray-paint, which goes perfectly with her terribly unconvincing make-up...and to top it all off she talks to a guy through his TV and SEDUCES HIM WITH CORN ON THE COBB!

There's also goblins (and no trolls) that are clearly midgets with pillows under their clothes and masks that were obviously made by 1st graders.

Here are some of the other Oscar-caliber triumphs in TROLL II:

The ghost of an annoying kid's grandfather magically stops time and the kid pees on his family's diner.

Twists in the plot are conveyed to the audience in messages on baseballs.

The director makes it as obvious as possible that Nilbog is Goblin backwards and our hero has to see the name in a mirror to figure it out.

Goblins flee from a double-decker balony sandwich like vampires from the sun.

In a semi-thrilling finale, our hero states that "Only the power of goodness can destroy these monsters" and commands his family to put their hands on this big piece of styrofoam, err, stone (yeah, the goblins have some unexplained connection to the Stonehenge) and "concentrate." Poof. Problems solved.

3 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
You know the drill, 31 December 2002

TERROR WITHIN is a blatant ALIEN rip-off like many of Corman's monster movies. The creature looks really rubbery. But this little number is well made and fairly entertaining. Good thing they weren't skimpy on the gore.

Dark Universe (1993) (V)
2 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
12 Big Reasons to See DARK UNIVERSE, 31 December 2002

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

SPOILERS!

1) The stupidest looking monster you may ever see 2) Pair of boobies shown just to keep your attention 3) Killer armadillo...in a swamp? 4) Laughable effects 5) Orange stuff that kills 6) Award-winning performances by Joe Estevez and others 7) Finale that takes a jab at the infamous ending of STAR CRYSTAL 8) Nature documentary footage galore 9) Humorous use of blood/gore 10) An astronaut that is apparently unaffected by gravity and doesn't wear a space suit of any kind 11) Fred Olen Ray, Steve Latshaw, and Jim Wynorski all in the same opening credits...now we know we're in for a treat 12) Another pair of boobies shown for little reason

Well, this is what I call a "crap classic" and it's such a prime example, I just couldn't write a conventional review. If you're a fan of bad movies get ready for the ride of your life.

11 out of 26 people found the following review useful:
Why is this in top 100?!?, 30 December 2002
1/10

In my book, this ranks with BLAIR WITCH and LAKE PLACID as one of the worst horror movies ever made. Stephen King hates this film and doesn't take a double-digit IQ to see why. Kubrick and Nicholson butcher his book without any shame at all. Everyone says he gave a "spooky" performance but the really camped this movie to death. "Here's Johnny" has gotta be one of the worst lines (barring anything with the words "I love you" of course) in cinematic history. Critics bash most King adaptations saying that they "don't follow the book" yet the praise this piece of garbage. Go figure. Kubrick probably burns in Stephen King's version of Hell for what he did to his classic novel.

Skeeter (1993)
2 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Decent but not as good as MOSQUITO, 30 December 2002

Though it might have been as good as Leatherface's big-bug opus had we seen more of Tracy Grifith's rack (funny thing, we see a sex scene that has absolutely no T&A, I blame the director). This is a silly but enjoyable film. Certainly not deserving of the Bottom 100.

Q (1982)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Larry Cohen-Proceed Accordingly, 28 December 2002

Q is definitely not for everybody, but I love Larry. He made this disjointed piece fit together somehow. Obviously a police-drama featuring a giant dragon chomping people in the Big Apple sounds a little silly, and naturally it is. You can call this a classic masterpiece or a jumbled mess. I would lean to the former.

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
60 Feet of Pure Terror...and about the 60th time they've used that tagline, 21 December 2002

Honestly, just about every big-studio backed DTV monster movie has "(#)(measurement) OF PURE TERROR" as the tagline. It's really annoying.

Yes, the Scots have every right to be p***ed about this movie. The accents seem like a putrid mix of Canadian and Irish rather Scottish and I would be shocked if one second of footage from this movie was actually shot in Scotland, or anywhere outside of a 20 mile radius from the studio for that matter.

Sports just about every cliche in the book but I've seen much worse.

Sabretooth (2002) (TV)
Prehistoric Cat That Kills, 21 December 2002

Call me insane, but I liked this one. I'm not sure how people get off calling this a JURASSIC PARK wannabe cuz this flick, in terms of setting and style, is borrowed more from FRIDAY THE 13TH than anything else.

David Keith and John Rhyies-Davies are fun to watch, no matter how lame the material is. The FX-well, about 30% of the shots of the cat are very well done. The other 70% leave a lot to be desired.

If a monster picking of horny people in the woods is your thing, then you won't be disappointed.

The Blob (1988)
They Knew How To Do Remakes in the 80s: Part 3, 21 December 2002

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Hollywood is simply running out of ideas today. Just about every horror movie you can think of from the 70s is about to be re-made into SCREAM rip-off. On the other hand those folks id know how to do remakes properly back in the 80s. THE THING, THE FLY, and finally THE BLOB are testaments to that.

And to answer your first question, yes, I liked this much more than the original. This BLOB monster is everything the original monster should have been. It's fast-moving and nasty, and more importantly, it knows how to frighten. This is not by any means of comparing the FX of the two films cuz that just wouldn't be fair, but this was a much better filmed movie. Keep in mind that I'm not dissing the original.

The FX. Damn, that's much better stuff than the CGI crap were stuck with these days. The monster is gooey and gross because it is actually filmed and not painted on the screen.

SPOILERS: And oddly enough, while the story is basic, the movie actually breaks a few rules. Characters that you think will live, die and those that you know will die, die in ways so unpredictably nasty it doesn't really matter.


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