Reviews written by registered user
wileyjp

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30 reviews in total 
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10 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
Jackie Clone vs. Horse Man - Capture that Flag!!!, 2 November 2005
3/10

Apparently Jackie himself, merely 17 when this film was made, says to stay away from this movie. I shoulda learned that earlier. It's at least two movies Frankensteined together, and new footage (with the old master beating up the flamboyantly gay landlord, farting in his face and avoiding his Popeye-themed attack (complete with Popeye's theme music - calling all lawyers)) was added years later to complete the "film", such as it is.

Plot? Barely there. Jackie plays an evil warlord who kills one of his men (who squirts blood out of his mouth in an unintentionally hilarious scene reminiscent of Monty Python's Black Knight), whose young son (Jackie again) is raised by another former henchman, who does not want Jackie to be a fighter. "You want to destroy life? Well, kill flowers!" he yells, tossing potted plants at his wayward stepson. However, Jackie's been training in secret with a crazy old guy in the woods since he was 6 (in a series of disjointed and somewhat creepy flashbacks), and there's only so much he can take before springing into action, especially since people attack him and his sister on a daily basis. He fights through a bunch of generic thugs as the camera whips around randomly, the canned soundtrack saws away pompously and dubbed threats ("I will take care of you now! Hum!") assault the viewer's ears. Characters mostly pop up to get killed (foster dad, a young pickpocket), or disappear after a few scenes (Jackie's uncle and sister).

The editing is such a mess it's usually impossible to tell exactly what's going on. When Jackie's pickpocket "friend" (I put that in quotes because they only met three times beforehand) is threatened by being tied up high on a pole, Jackie fights off the thugs around him. We cut to a thug falling into the water, and then the pickpocket just falls from the pole he was shown to be snugly tied to (shown by a dummy falling towards the camera), a musical sting, and Jackie looking... kinda bummed. "Goodbye, my little friend." Then a suddenly shirtless Jackie points at the villain (actually, he points at the camera - most of the dialogue scenes are played in separate shots) and declares "YOU killed him. YOU are responsible for his death." I dunno, Jackie. Was he the one who made the ropes magically disappear?

The dubbing is horrid, the characters either having British accents or Brooklyn accents, neither of which match the tone well at all. It sure is weird hearing Jackie's voice dubbed over by somebody else, and the endless "Ho! Hah! Huuuh!" during the fights is the fine line between hilarious and unbearable. Every blow, even light smacks, get a loud *CRACK* sound effect, and at one point Jackie holds a conversation with a villain while we hear a hilarious number of loud *CRACKS* in the background!

And then there's the final battle with the warlord, now elderly and played by a tall actor who looks nothing like Jackie (same dubbed voice, though) and a fat guy who follows the Way of the Fish, which Jackie easily disposes of, Old Master cheering from the sidelines. Jackie and the warlord blindfold themselves, which is cool, but it mostly is a desperate attempt to hide the fact that even Jackie is played by a different actor now. The bad guy whips around and whinnies like a horse. It's that kind of movie.

Don't fret though, fans. Pseudo-Jackie beats the villain by knocking him over, breaks his neck by turning it slightly to the right - complete with spaceship sound effects - and Old Master says Jackie has earned the right to carry a blue flag. Jackie waves it triumphantly, the movie ends five seconds later, and the soundtrack grinds to a halt.

Only for people who want to see Jackie's first starring role. Other than that, you won't find any of the elaborate choreography and set-pieces you'd expect from Jackie, although some of the hand-to-hand stuff is pretty well done, from what you can see of it through the insane editing. You'll likely have more than a few laughs as well, albeit the uneasy kind.

Rated R for God knows what reason. The violence, save the blood squirt, is clean, there's no swearing, and a really cheesy attempted rape scene involves a fully clothed couple wrestling while the woman screams. Norway banned it, although in retrospect that was a really good idea.

Nothing "Forward" About This Film..., 21 December 2001

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

(SPOILERS revealed throughout. Read at your own risk. Ha. Watch this movie at your own risk would be better advice.)

I just don't know what is up with this film. I've seen bad movies that inflame me to strike back, but this one is as a vacuum for the soul, the mind, and the attention span. It's a soulless, remorselessly unwholesome collection of vignettes that the filmmakers have sloppily, albeit smugly, pasted together with hypocracy and schmaltz, and shoved down our collective gullets. Oh, and they took our money, too.

I'm not even going to bother reiterating the "plot". Several reviewers before me have done so, and repeating it here would be redundant. Let's shoot for the complete lack of characterization and believability.

Let's see: we have a "cutting-edge" schoolteacher who delivers sardonic comments to his agog, bratty students and has burns on his face and chest. Gosh, we AREN'T going to find out what caused those burns, are we? He challenges his students to determine ways to change the world (!).

His student: Mr. Hayley Joel Osmont himself, staring soulfully into the camera and softly uttering idealistic tripe. He creates a pyramid scheme of Good Samaritan acts.

The kid's mother: Alcoholic tramp. We can tell she's alcoholic because she's wearing eyeliner. Roughly twenty minutes of this film consists of her rummaging for liquor bottles.

But that's not all! A genial business man, an enterprising reporter, a stereotypical African-American punk, a drunken old homeless woman, a homeless guy (detecting a pattern here?), and a suicidal woman all get involved in paying it forward. Oh, yeah, and throw in Jon Bon Jovi for good luck.

String these characters together in a chain of convoluted events that lurch toward a laughably implausable ending that makes so many blatant ignorances of reality that it seems to have been created by some strange life form from another dimension (hint: Would a bully who likes kicking an athsmatic wimp really pull a knife (!) on a kid defending him? Pull a knife, stab and KILL this kid (doesn't this school have metal detectors?), and not stop even when two adults, one of whom is a TEACHER, are racing towards him?), and you have this film. But if you must watch this film, look for these cinematic gems:

- Kevin Spacey chewing up the scenery so much he must have needed to floss afterwards when he explains how he got his burns

- Kevin Spacey gritting his teeth and pushing a pedophile into the bathroom (!) (THAT'LL teach'm!)

- The teacher and the mother jumping into bed with literally no provocation

- Little Hayley's final recorded word: the s-word. Nothing like "From the Potty Mouths of Babes" to warm your heart.

The ending reports that paying it forward is spreading throughout the world. Why haven't any of these people approached me? Oh, I get it! It's supposed to start with me! Are they going to gut me like a fish, too? Viewing this movie feels just like that.

X-Men (2000)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
The Muties Go Commercial, 13 November 2001

As an action movie, this more or less works. As an accurate cinematic portrayal of the X-Men, there are more than a few flaws. Does it detract from the experience? Not entirely. A few nagging points constantly scratch at your brain.

First, the casting is somewhat mixed. I think the only dead-on casting was of Cyclops (PERFECT match!), Magneto and Professor X (who else BUT Patrick Stewart could play him?). The rest is alright, but nothing special. Hugh Jackman can handle the Wolverine attitude ("Later, bub" would not sound wrong coming out of his lips), but he's just a little too tall. And a few decisions really get you: Halle Berry as Storm? I say, if you don't see Storm as anything more than Halle Berry in a platinum wig, don't put her in the movie. Even at the climax, when she rises from the elevator shaft, eyes glossed over, hair and cape flowing, I still wasn't seeing her as Storm.

Rogue deserves her own paragraph: where is the tall, striking, Southern brawler we all know and love? Gone, replaced by Anna Paquin, who is about half the size and has none of the bravado, fire, and spirit of Rogue. In fact, she looks like a whiny kid. Sorry, Anna, but that travesty of a Southern accent (which rapidly disappears anyway) does not Rogue make.

The chronology of what mutants join when is a little confused. They attempted to make it a cross between a historical account of the forming of the team and a "hit parade" of mutants.

If they want a historical account, then it should start with Angel, Iceman, Cyclops, Jean Grey (Marvel Girl) and Beast. The rest (Rogue, Storm, Wolverine) would join later in the film. No Angel, barely any Iceman, and Beast was canned due to makeup restraints. So much for that idea.

The "hit parade" idea holds a little more water, but not much. Where the heck is Gambit? And what is Colossus doing painting when the team is in desperate need of muscle? Betsy Braddock, a.k.a. Psylocke?

And the villains: Magneto, Mystique, Sabretooth and Toad. That's it. Some army. When will the Cytorak gem turn Cain Marko into the Juggernaut? Where are the Sentinels? Omega Red?

When will we see the Danger Room in all of its might? The Savage-Land? Sure, the "yellow spandex" line gets a few laughs, but why are the costumes so generic? This film asks more questions than it answers, but if you take it on its own terms it's an alright movie, but nothing more.

U-571 (2000)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Wow, 10 July 2001

All I can say is this:

Cute Guys+ The Navy+ Death+ Sadness= moving and totally amazing movie.

A real everyone movie; action for the guys, cute guys and sadness for the girls.

A real tearjerker, bring tissues!

wiley's sis :)

"It" (1990)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
We all float down here...., 3 July 2001

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Holy crap! This film scared the crap outta me!

Okay, I may have some *SPOILERS* in here, so beware!

This movie was the scariest film I've ever seen. Even if it was old, and sometimes cheesy-looking, it was still terrifying. Since I've watched it(3 days ago), I haven't been able to sleep by myself, and I'm scared of sinks(you know, with the red balloon exploding blood in Bev's face?). Imagine that, a 14 year old being scared to go to the bathroom by herself! After that scene, I literally cried when I had to go to the bathroom by myself I was so scared.

Anyway, I think the best parts of the movie were the flashbacks because the were scarier and the kid actors RULED! Seth Green was by far the best, and he as Richie added humor to the movie. Jonathan Brandis was good too as Bill, and the scene where Georgie's picture winks at him made my entire family scream it was so scary and unsuspected.

The castors did a good job of picking the kid actors to look like The Losers Club as adults. And the bond that the kids shared was awesome. I liked the part when they all group hugged. It was so SPECIAL!

Ok, Pennywise still scares me. I will never think of clowns the same. When he went all red-eyed and pointy-toothed....brrrr AHHHHH scaryness!!! I think he was Satan in a clown suit, I swear he was. He is what made the movie, and Tim Curry did an excelent job. Bon Job, Pennywise!!!

What was up with the phsyco losers that kept on trying to kill them? They were kinda pointless and insane, getting kicks out of carving they're names on people's tummies and gutting others in the sewer.

OK, EXTREME SPOILERS NOW!!!!

I really think that Stan-the-Man and Eddie shouldn't have died because then the lucky seven would still be there. I cried at the end when Eddie died because he was my favorite one when they were grown up. He tried to save them, and he died. That was really sad. :(

The spider thing was cheezy and could have been alot better and by the way I SO called the end! Roll the credits, cue Pennywise laughing!

I give this a 10/10 cause its super scary and well acted.

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Bourbon Legend: One Big Drunk, 24 June 2001

SPOILIES!!!!

This. to my regret, is a typical Teen Slasher Flick. Need a definition?

Teen Slasher Flick AKA TSF:

A teen is able to survive the random slaughter of his or her friends by a lunatic and summon the power to overcome the murderer. Note that:

A) The murderer is dressed in a laughably ostentatious outfit, and after removing the outfit looks entirely dissimilar. This time it's an Alaskan Parka that sticks out a mile.

B) Killer is who you'd probably expect and for the right reasons, except in those cheapos where None Of The Above was the killer.

C) Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll are plentiful, and the F-Word gets a good workout too.

Let's be frank, people. I HATED HATED HATED this movie. The premise was interesting, but it cashes in its originality for the sake of buckets of gore and mindless cinematography. The cast is roughly 75% Pretty Young TV Actors, and the rest are eccentrics who have little purpose other that to kill or be killed.

The movie goes something like this: Creeps. Jolt. Murder. Creeps. Murder. Jolt. Jolt. Creeps. Murder. Murder. Bloodbath. Creeps. Jolt. F-Word montage. Need I go on?

Hate it. A poor dog gets no respect. His master tortures him by forcing him to guzzle alcohol, and then gets stuffed in the microwave. And that dog wasn't even a stupid teenager! Janitor is killed for no reason. Dean's death doesn't really affect me, as only an IDIOT would crawl AWAY from a rolling car, wait until he's over the safety spikes and throws up his hands, so that his impaling is as dramatic as possible. Gas Station Guy is thrown in jail for no reason other than that he is inable to communicate effectively. He also looks a lot like Larry, you know, with his other Darryl and his other brother Darryl.

This movie is stupid, and the "climax" of the villain going into histrionics (GREAT "acting" there) and F-Word-a-thon, just tops it up. And Queen Latifah is just as annoying as ever, shrieking and scolding and doesn't even get killed! She was the one I WANTED to die! At least this was good training to dealing with psycho kids in Boston Public!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly..., 1 June 2001

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie has a good heart. I'll give it that. The trouble is that said heart is buried under several acres of unpleasant, filthy, sweaty flesh. Adding an empty-headed, unsympathetic heroine was also a mistake.

SPOILERS

It starts out as a "little girl hits the big city" story, and indeed the theme from the Mary Tyler Moore show would not be an inappropriate theme song. Violet moves to New York with dreams of becoming a lyricist. The music industry rewards her for her fresh-faced optimism by crushing her like an insect under their collective heel. Her apartment is robbed. Even when she has a chance to perform her song at a "get discovered" nightclub, she balks when one idiot starts heckling her. Finally a waiter gives her a hint that a handsome Australian working at the diner at which she is eating is a mogul and wants to hear her demo tape.

Alas, it was all a cruel jest and the fellow is actually a short-order cook. He immidiately sees the setup, and tries to let Violet down lightly, but she gets mad and storms off. How is this his fault?

Eventually, Violet sees a bunch of tramps who seem to be pretty well off, and a series of events lead her to Coyote Ugly, where the scantily-clad waitresses dance on the counter to the delight of the inebriated patrons. Of course, this is the perfect springboard for an aspiring songwriter, n'est-ce pas? After accidentally hosing down the fire marshall (long story), Violet must make enough money to pay the fine. How? Our hapless Aussie has returned with the demo tape that he forgot to return, and Violet gets revenge for his kindness by auctioning him off (prostituting him, really) to the highest bidder. (Maybe Coyote Ugly would have a bit more money on their hands if they would stop wasting alcohol by using it to set the bar on fire and pouring it all over the waitresses.) To whom do our sympathies go?

In any event, Violet retains her job as a Coyote while her "boyfriend" tirelessly and without a complaint tries to get Violet a leg up in the music industry. When a scuffle breaks out, Violet calms them with a song, which is pretty high on the Big List of Stuff that Only Happens In the Movies and learns to conquer her stage fright.

But why make Violet so hard to sympathise with? When her boyfriend sets up an artificial audience to rehearse in front of, all Violet wants to do is take off her clothes and seduce him. Finally she performs her song practically in the nude, save a curtain-like drapery.

In the end, once again at the "get discovered" nightclub, Violet balks yet again, merely because the same idiot is back. Only after one of her coyote friends decks him and her boyfriend turns out the lights (she performs best in the dark) does she continue. Why is she so inhibited all of a sudden? Maybe she could do it if she took her shirt of and poured booze all over herself.

Violet's poor Aussie friend is tireless and devoted, and hardly gets a scrap of thanks. Instead, he gets auctioned off, insulted, and stood up, even when he puts his prized possession on the line and almost loses it. Violet even auctions off her FATHER at the very end for no logical reason at all. How sweet!

Perhaps the moviemakers realized how featherweight this all is, for they plastered the adds with nothing but dance footage. Indeed, this movie sinks pretty low to keep the audience's attention. When Violet is shopping for clothes, the camera lingers on her silhouette, just in case you were planning on going to the bathroom or the refund booth. A completely pointless scene shows a baseball game. Why? So we can see just a little more cleavage in a place where people may have realized how pithy this movie truly is.

But still, the saving grace is John Goodman as Violet's father. (Is it me, or is Goodman getting better as he gets older?) He can be funny and heartful at just the right times, and his character is a good one. Otherwise it's all fluff.

There are some parts of the movie that are stupid, illogical, and smutty, and there are parts the are cute, touching and funny. When this movie is good, it is very, very good, and when it is bad it is horrid.

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Disney's New Groove? I Hope So!, 9 May 2001

While Disney's feature films are, with a few exceptions, masterpieces, very few of them provoke genuine laughter. The Lion King has a few chuckles in it, and Robin Williams' Genie in Aladdin is nothing short of hilarious, but something always seems held back. Not here. Perhaps Disney is learning a few lessons from the witty and wonderful folks at Pixar.

Everything is here: sight gags, clever dialogue, slapstick, screwball, satire, and lots more. Even when the movie resorts to clicheed plot devices, they are actually pointed out so we can all laugh at them. This movie is something special.

Even the animation is brilliant. Stylish, bright and bombastic, the style reminds one of the similarly flashy but painfully unfunny Hercules. There are some obvious caricatures involved, and the effect is wonderful, blurring the line between fantasy and reality.

The voice cast is wonderful. David Spade joins the long line of entertainers who have had little relevant voice-acting experience, and yet excel, even though few of their other projects are kid-friendly. Others include Eddie Murphy, Demi Moore and Jerry Orbach. John Goodman plays it straight, even heart-felt at times, but still retains a genial charm and never seems too mushy or rigid to be funny. Together, Spade and Goodman have marvelous chemistry and have their personal touches to add to the funny scenes and yet can handle the more dramatic scenes with dignity. This is fine work. Eartha Kitt and Patrick Warburton are likewise hilarious. Kronk is just one in a long line of "Disney lunks" and yet is one of the few that every member of the audience goes home liking. John Fiedler, a Disney veteran, shows that he still has what it takes, even at 75.

Stereotypes are thrown out the window. (So is an old man, but that's another story.) Kuzko is obviously an orphan who has no intention of taking his responsibilities seriously, and for the longest time seems beyond redemption. Only at the end, do we feel he deserves his happiness and his surrogate family. This is a "poor little rich boy" who doesn't realize it through his self-delusion and immaturity until very late in the movie. Kuzko is not given a pretty girl to pursue and win the hand of. Such corny plot devices have no place here. A further nice touch is that it would be too easy to make Pacha a single father, but his whole family is not only included but empowered.

Little touches mark the loving care placed into the project. The scene where a broken-hearted Kuzko is forced to eat grass like the other llamas reminds us of the Prodigal Son (which, of course, he is). The scene in which Yzma and Kronk attempt to fly across a ravine owes more than just a nod to Chuck Jones.

After the appalling Dinosaur, Disney pulled this out of their storage room and surprised and delighted us all. Let us hope that they use this flavour in the future, and remember what animation is truly all about. Not to be pretentious, but to be enjoyed.

1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Stupid, Sad, Sorry I Watched it, 1 April 2001
2/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

******************SPOILER********************SPOILER******************** This movie stunk. Just let me say now that I totally agree with what carissaphillips had to say about this. What was Sam thinking? She was with a guy who told her he loved her (3 times in total), was EXTREMELY HOT, and stuck with her though her trying times (Josh Hartnett). But, she decided to break up with him, no, cheat on him with a snobby,ugly, spoiled, rich-brat jerk loser who never said he loved her in the entire movie(oh wait, he wrote it on the wall, does that count?), and left her in her time of need because he was scared (Chris LOSER Klein). Who would you want to be with? The only reason I sat through the entire movie was because it had Josh Hartnett in it and hoping that maybe she would die at the end. I wanted Jasper to get another girlfriend who was actually worthy of him. The whole "your mom" thing was funny. I enjoyed it. I hate it when people around here say it but I think that Kelley deserved it. Jasper should have said it to Sam as well, she needed a good slap. How the romance started is a mystery to me. They never said anything to each other anyway so I don't understand how they got together. "I was thinking about the cheese sandwich you gave me...did it have mustard or mayonnaise or....." Oh what a come on. The supposedly romantic lines were so stupid. Plus he's sosososososososo UGLY! I must admit, I did cry in this movie. For a long time, really hard. Not because she died, but because she broke Jasper's heart. He cried in this movie so many times...he tried to smile for her but he couldn't stop the tears. He cried when 1) He told her he loved her 2) She got sick 3) Chris Klein came back and he saw how happy she was w/ him 4) she died. I cried when he cried because he loved her her entire life, and told her, and yet she was dumb enough to not care and love a guy who left her in her time of need, and who DID NOT CRY at the funeral. 1 1/2 stars only because I LOVE JOSH HARTNETT! Oh by the way Chris Klein, YOUR MOM! -Wiley's sis

The Edge (1997)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
In Loving Memory of Bart the Bear, 12 March 2001

This summer, to the sadness of many, Bart the Bear left us after suffering a massive brain tumor. Although he was somewhat typecast in the role of "the Bear", he brought poise and dignity, bearing the limitations of the role. I'm sure I'm not the only one who shed a secret tear when the Bear met his untimely end. Bart was 22 years old and starred in over 20 movies. His talents will surely be missed. Goodbye, Bart. May you be enshrined forever as one of the genuine greats of ursine thespians.


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