Reviews written by registered user
blackxmas

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46 reviews in total 
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21 out of 25 people found the following review useful:
I'm speechless..., 25 July 2002

BLACK GESTAPO is a hoot. I mean it's funny and entertaining and never bores. It keeps clicking along right until the very much unbelievable end. You got 'nads being chopped off, naked women all over the place, black men dressing up like nazis and a mean,nasty vibe this picture just can't shake. I suggest buying it. Today.

2 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Painful yet watchable., 25 July 2002
3/10

HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS is by no means quality filmmaking but if you want nekkid women and very laughable gore effects, it's your movie. Luckily the damn thing only runs about 70 or so minutes therefore it doesn't wear out it's welcome. If it was only as good as it's title.

0 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
MURPHY'S LAW typical Cannon fodder., 6 July 2002

Nothing exceptional about this Bronson entry. It's still watchable. Kathleen Wilhoite's teen thief character says the dumbest things ever in an effort to be insulting. Who actually thought what she was saying was either funny or raunchy? Bronson gets to run around and shoot things and says "Don't f*** with Jack Murphy!" twice. A really goofy film that should please hardcore Bronson fans.

3 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
ASSASSINATION pretty bad but pretty funny., 6 July 2002

This really is terrible yet I found myself laughing hysterically. Bad acting from the supporting characters, plot holes galore and a haphazard directing style that has to be seen to be believed. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it but for all the wrong reasons. It's worth a rental if you're in the mood for this sort of thing.

7 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
Dated yet intellectual raunchy comedy, 6 July 2001

If you don't think today's American comedies have been dumbed down, you should give TUNNEL VISION a look. Crude and tasteless, extremely dated, but very, very smart. It's amazing how many jokes you miss because here, it's all in the writing. Sure, kids today won't get a lot of the 70's pop and political references, but if you actually paid attention in your history and political science classes (as well as TNN and TVLAND), it shouldn't be a problem. Can you say that about TOMCATS and AMERICAN PIE? The wraparound segments of a federal hearing pertaining to the effects on the nation for watching the Tunnel Vision network are eerily prophetic given the current Media Marketing Responsibility Act Lieberman and Clinton and Kohl are trying to push. Politically Correct viewers may balk at some of the bits on race, but the film skewers everybody, plus it's obvious that there's more going on then just a cheap laugh at different minority (and majority) groups' expense. TUNNEL VISION is more than just an old sketch comedy movie from the 70's, and it's sad that most modern comedies can't approach the cerebral humor on display here.

Cisco Pike (1972)
16 out of 20 people found the following review useful:
Kristofferson's debut is excellent., 16 June 2001

Anyone looking for a downbeat, humorous melodrama should track down Kris Kristofferson's acting debut as the title character. Gene Hackman, Harry Dean Stanton and Karen Black compliment him nicely in a dated yet refreshing picture about a has-been musician who's recently quit dealing drugs. Hackman is a psychotic narc who blackmails him into selling stolen marijuana and Black is his put-upon live-in girlfriend that's just about had it with Pike's freewheeling ways. An extremely moody piece, punctuated with quick but successful comedic moments and quietly tense scenes. CISCO PIKE is from that early 70's less-is-more period of filmmaking and makes a great diversion from the feces currently hurled at us from Hollywood. Just goes to show that good movies age well, regardless of the pop culture it contains within.

Golfballs! (1999)
3 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Not even breasts can save GOLFBALLS., 9 June 2001

This could be one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Just because you are making a trashy exploitative ripoff of CADDYSHACK doesn't mean it has to be this bad. I mean, think about it. All you had to do was make a better film than CADDYSHACK 2. I like topless women as much as the next guy, but with my porn mags, my personal porn videos, my local porn video store...well, heck, you gotta come up with some kind of interesting story (or coherence) to support those breast shots if it's gonna be softcore. GOLFBALLS fails on every level:from the farting dog to the Nude Cart Wash back to the non-suspenseful golf game that comprises the finale. The outtakes over the end credits are funnier than the movie itself. I'm not kidding. Avoid like the plague.

13 out of 17 people found the following review useful:
More of a bad trend., 2 June 2001

I'm so tired of supposedly clever, overly self-conscious horror films. I know there are generational differences and a lot of people find this type of thing humorous and hip. In the early 90's, there was a film called "There's Nothing Out There" which was about a slimy green monster from outer space killing vacationing teens at a house in the woods over Spring Break. There was a horror movie nut who bothered everybody by making references to other horror films. At the time, that seemed funny and the movie itself is a ragged, messy charmer. I believe this is the film Kevin Williamson used to help him along in writing the script for "Scream", which while I did enjoy it, has hurt the horror genre through it's lazy deconstruction of modern horror. "The Dead Hate The Living" is a bandwagon film that only goes to show that even with a larger than usual budget and good intentions (but obviously pandering to the "Scream" demographic), a horror movie you cannot make.

I do have a theory that maybe people who like horror a little too much and are too eager to please cannot make a decent, serious horror picture. I do have a problem with people who like references to Warbeck and Campbell and Fulci. Do you like being patronized? I don't think you do. Why do you make special concessions for filmmakers who obviously take the easy way out by making you feel superior because you can pick up on what are basically pop-culture references? All the horror films of the past we champion have none of these obvious references. Are we so devoid of creativity or original thought (or filmmaking prowess) that we cannot make(or get to see) a good horror film anymore? I think they got us in a box and we can't get out.

Longshot (1981)
9 out of 13 people found the following review useful:
Foosball epic. Believe it..., 27 May 2001
10/10

So we're sitting around at work watching one of our favorite bad sports movies THE BREAK, when C.G. exclaims "They should make a foosball movie!" I think for a minute and go "Jesus. They did. And Leif Garrett was in it. I saw it on cable in the 80's. It was called LONG SHOT and it had this really bad song that went 'I'm lookin' for a long shot to come through...'". So we hit the IMDB to make sure I was right, then we head over to eBay and get a copy (the Thorn EMI original although there is a retitled version at Amazon called LONGSHOT KIDS). A week and a half later, it comes and we watch it. And it's as bad as we figured (and as I remembered). So it's a keeper. It's a foosball spectacular comedy drama about kids who try to make $50,000 playing in a Lake Tahoe foosball national championship. There's laughs, and loves, and non-stop foosball action. It's boring, badly acted, and almost unwatchable. Yet we love it. There's no hope for us. We can't defend ourselves or this trash. We just urge you to watch it.

And Leif Garrett's in it. The foosball champion of the world. Lookin' for a long shot to come through....

That Darn Punk (2001) (V)
2 out of 8 people found the following review useful:
THAT DARN PUNK a darn shame., 11 May 2001
2/10

Hoo boy. Here's a film with a built in fan base that's going to love it no matter what. I could think of a lot things to say but it'd be a waste of my time. The acting stinks, the writing worse, and I can't remember the last time I was bored by a movie because of it's uninspired camera work. The back of the box makes the claim that 'THAT DARN PUNK is the first film of it's kind to actually entertain audiences worldwide while completely ignoring the Hollywood machine'. What KIND of film are they talking about? What KIND of vague statement is that? THAT DARN PUNK is all that's bad with independent cinema and that SELWYN'S NUTS trailer at the beginning (has to be the worst trailer ever assembled from a technical standpoint)looks even worse. I guess this is what happens when self-styled punk rockers make a punk rock movie. Punk rock movie. Who are they fooling?


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