Reviews written by registered user

10 reviews in total 
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11 out of 14 people found the following review useful:
One for the trampling and high heels fetish crowd only..., 10 June 2007

Most of his films tended to be a bit boring but they were innovative and weird nonetheless. Astro-Zombies, Doll Squad, Corpse Grinders and co. were entertaining z-grade cinema. A good director should know when to stop making movies. Well, Ted never claimed to be a good director, so it kinda makes sense for him to continue to release films after his heydays are over. Nowadays he uses video, but not really the good kind, where it's hard to distinguish between film or video. His newer productions look like video. They don't care. This is as well the case here, in this abomination of a movie. Don't ask me about the plot, this film does not care about that. After a few stock footage explosions and a long L-O-N-G crawling intro text to explain that this white man with the funny white beard (Ted V. Mikels himself) is a bad man. He forced his black slaves to work hard labor and please him in every way. So now they uprise against him, tie him up, put him on the floor and sit in chairs around him. They hold court, explaining, why exactly he is a bad person. After long L-O-N-G monologues they find a verdict. Before that however, the view must endure ENDLESS scenes of these black women forcing their high heels into his hairy naked chest or simple walking over him. This, I believe, might be the one and only reason, this video production was shot in the first place. For good old Mikels to fulfill his fetish fantasies of strong black women dominating him and trampling him with their high heels. So unless you're into this particular fetish, I would suggest you avoid this "film" at all costs.

And please, people, if you've seen this film, please vote. Obviously only people involved in this movie voted yet. ASTRO ZOMBIES has 2.1, this has 5.2?! Something wrong here!

Ambulance (2005)
8 out of 15 people found the following review useful:
muddled, 24 January 2006

Two brothers rob a bank to have enough money to get their cancer-ridden mother to a private clinic in Germany, where she could possibly be saved. So it's a noble course for the crime and the subsequent chase of the ambulance the two brothers take hostage during their escape. But is it okay to endanger the life the stroke patient and the female intern for their course? - The trailer for this film suggests it to be an action comedy - where in fact the film really never decides whether it wants to be a family-drama, a witty comedy or an action flick. The idea to limit the film to the ambulance and it's four persons is interesting but ultimately it also limits the characterization of the main protagonists. You'll have to take their work for their ambitions, their life-stories and their motives. Which sometimes does not really work - at least for me. The action is marvelous - in my opinion, the filmmakers should have sticked to straight drama and/or thrilling action. The comedy did take a bit of the intended impact. (P.S.: Extremely nice bleeding effects - VERY convincing. Nope, it does not really matter in the context of the film - but struck me heavy when I watched the DVD. Oh yeah - there is a DVD with English subtitles available in Danmark - see for example.)

9 out of 20 people found the following review useful:
grunt!, 20 July 2004

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

-Spoilers ahead- Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe I was not in the

mood. Maybe it was too warm today. I was bored to pieces by this

even at 42 minutes way too long "short subject". After the movie

was finished I read the liner notes on the cover and checked twice

if I really got the same film. Hummm. The plot was the same, but

there was absolutely no tension to speak of. Probably nice if you

know the original short story on which the film was based upon,

but as a cinematic experience it's overly blunt. The motives of

sexually repressed behaviour resulting in dementia where not at

all presented here. Nor is a blanket on strings something to be

frightened of for a second. Gimme CARNIVAL OF SOULS any day...

1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
boring piece of crap, 25 June 2004

Heard some good remarks about this film as being very gory and frightning, but it's neither. Obviously the screenwriter wanted to do a scary horror film but at the same time inject some teenage comedy for the young target audience. Scares and comedy seldomly result in good films, the same goes for MONSTER MAN.

Not really funny, nor scary or overly enjoyable on ANY other level.

Aproaching 39 years of age I've seen my share of horror movies. I have seen good ones and terrible ones, but the crop of films released these days are so frighteningly mediocre it bores me to watch 'em. The acceptance these days for bad films like this is what really annoys me. Let's face it, they produced a lot of crap in the 70's, 80's and 90's but they were regarded as such then as well. Today they're regarded as "good entertainment". - Bollocks!

25 out of 53 people found the following review useful:
Amazingly boring piece of crap, 21 October 2003

Oh my! Tarantino really lost it this time. RESERVOIR DOGS was his only really good film in my book, PULP FICTION and JACKIE BROWN were enjoyable but rather derivative. Let's face it! If you know your b-movie history there is hardly anything original or challenging in an Tarantino movie. KILL BILL is even more annoying, as it is really boring and tame compared with the movies it rips of. Give me the original 70s Sonny Chiba films, anything by Chang Cheh or Lui Chia-Liang any day. Hell, even the Flying Guillotine. The SAMURAI FICTION sequence replacing the red background with simply a blue one was the most annoying one for me. I never believes Uma Thurman to be capable of the things she does in the movie. I won't bore you with all the plot holes this movie has. Unbelievably sloppy in any way. And the music (f*cking panflute music of Zamphir, get me the hell out of here!). This, my friends, is no labor of love, this is not even a good puzzle of hommages to other (more capable) filmmakers. And it's boring too, I nearly fell asleep. I can hardly wait to see something original again. I, for one, will not bother watching Vol.2 of this piece of rubbish. Avoid!

10 out of 33 people found the following review useful:
Interesting stuff, 13 June 2003

A compilation of sixteen short films from British filmmakers: Includes: About A Girl - Brian Percival, Boy And Bicycle - Ridley Scott, Dear Phone - Peter Greenaway, Doodlebug - Christopher Nolan, Eight - Stephen Daldry, Gasman - Lynne Ramsay, Girl Chewing Gum - John Smith, Home - Morag McKinnon, Joyride - Jim Gillespie, Inside Out - Tom and Charles Guard, Je T'aime John Wayne - Toby McDonald, The Sheep Thief - Asif Kapadia, The Short And Curlies - Mike Leigh, Telling Lies - Simon Ellis, UK Images - Martin Parrand, and Who's My Favourite Girl? - Adrian McDowall.

13 out of 15 people found the following review useful:
like porn in slow motion on dope, 19 May 2003

In my humble opinion this is one of the best Jess Franco films ever. Lina Romay is hot as hell, mostly spending her time masturbating away. The film has an eerie hallucinatory feeling to it, like watching porn in slow motion while on dope. Beware: There are two versions on the market, one is softcore and not that good, one is full hardcore and that's the one I'm refering to. Erwin C.Dietrich told me he was given this film as a gift from Jess Franco in gratitude but never really done anything with it. Finally, due to the DVD revolution it's finally out on silver disc, And it's looking absolutely stunning! Check it out!

2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
entertaining dated sex education made in Germany, 12 May 2003

This film was part of the legendary german sex education series that started in 1967 with HELGA (available on VHS from Something Weird Video in a dubbed form, funnily enough it never came out on video in it's home country Germany, whereas the sequels HELGA AND MICHAEL and HELGA UND DIE MÄNNER did indeed got a release in the early days of home video). It features Ruth Gassmann as Helga who was very sexy in a natural kind of way. You'll get some nice animated scenes that show how the sexual act works, but of course Helga and Michael get down to it as well, both with each other and other partners, before getting together again. This series was partially funded by the government, so it was actually meant to educate about sexuality. The result is partially campy, but still pretty seriously handled stuff. Nice dated sex education made in Germany.

16 out of 19 people found the following review useful:
Probably THE BEST exploitation movie from Switzerland, 12 May 2003

This movie has it all: Groupies, psych-rock, drug use, drug smuggling, gratious nudity, camp value, bikers, satanic mess, gore, drug overdose, hippies. Very very entertaining film that was published in various forms. My review/opinion is based on the German video release under the title DAS MÄDCHEN MIT DEM EINWEGTICKET. I saw it in the cinema as well under that title and the cinema print did feature some additional scenes (like main actress Ingrid Steeger walking around London at the opening scenes for example). Now Erwin C.Dietrich has prepared a DVD in the original version ICH EIN GROUPIE. I'm anxious to see this version in comparison to the MÄDCHEN MIT DEM EINWEGTICKET version. - As far as I know, this film did not get a video release elsewhere in the world, which is a shame, as this film beats most US exploitation films by far. Very very entertaining!

9 out of 14 people found the following review useful:
Great combo of kung fu, breasts and schlocky entertainment, 6 November 2000

This movie rocks. Very attractive 70's chicks fight it out against evil chinese guys. This movie is highly entertaining and makes little sense. I simply loved it. The german director was also responsible for most parts of the infamous german sexploitation series SCHULMAEDCHEN REPORT, aka SCHOOL GIRL REPORTS in the early till late 70's.