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49 reviews in total 
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0 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Creepshow 2, Viewers 0, 22 May 2014

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

While I was aware of this movie and the King stories it contained, I'd never actually seen it until today. Certainly Mr. King has some stinkers attached to his name, but I have to say that Creepshow 2 has to be the absolute worst. Dreadfully executed and ineptly casted it was a real chore to sit through.

Story the First, Chief Wood'nhead, has George Kennedy and Dorothy Lamour in it, which is sad considering they've been in much better films. From the get go there's no doubt in your mind that the damn Indian statue is gonna come to life because they have it moving in the first shots. No suspense at all. So much of the opening is devoted to setting up the couple as nice old people that when revenge time comes around it's rushed through way too fast. The shotgun guy acts well and it's a shame he isn't given much more to do. Really lame. Also, they should have called the Indian Chief Rubberhead.

Story the Second, the Raft, a genuinely unsettling and creepy King story is turned into....something. HORRIBLY acted. Line delivery is so bad you don't want to pay attention to what they're saying. In the setup they say how the raft is left on the lake, which means people DO swim in it, and it's not some other lake or raft they're talking about. So it makes the whole NO SWIMMING ending kind of stupid. I guess the monster has the summers off. The trash bag on the water monster effects brought me back to the Creeping Terror. The characters are really unlikable, and i can't tell if that's intentional or just really bad acting. By the time the kids have been whittled down to two, they decide to go soft-core for no reason. It makes no sense at the time or for the characters to do that.

Story the Third, the Hitchhiker. The lady driver's constant monologue is so bland and flatly delivered it refused to go into long term memory. The rest of it is so-so for a horror short, less to gripe about than the previous two, but still not free from the flick's many flaws.

Then there's the animation. Uncle scrotum-chin (if the animation is any indication) gives some kid the comic book version of Creepshow 2, it's probably better than the movie version. I know it's Creepshow, but the animation is just ugly and off-putting. When the Uncle Scrotor character turns real it makes you wonder why they bothered making Tom Savini up like that in the first place. It adds nothing to the film. It ends with him throwing a bunch of comics off the back of a truck and driving away (much like the creators of the movie did with a good story and technical expertise). The closing music is very odd and out of place for a horror film. It made me wonder if they had stock closing credit music in the public domain that they could just use for free. Cutting down the production costs on this to negative dollars.

Kind of upset I watched it finally, but I guess the stories are still there. AVOID.

Remains (2011/II)
5 out of 12 people found the following review useful:
Scary Good? No, scary BAD., 17 December 2011

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Straight to Chiller, which is sorta like Straight to SyFy-only worse, zombie movie with unlikeable characters striving to survive their horrible career choices. Let's get to some SPOILERS...

The beginning rips off Night of the Comet with anyone enclosed in metal surviving the zombification effect, brought on laboriously in this case, by some big nuclear bomb disposal factory asploding and affecting everybody in the world, or at least Reno. Does it really matter where the zombies came from? If they introduced the characters at all, I missed it on my first (and only) viewing, but they're all kinda jerks. One scene in particular irks me, where we go from a woman the two (semi)protagonists are trying to save get ripped to pieces by zombies, they jump out a window to escape said zombies, and then share a laugh down by the pool as water squirts out of her cowgirl boots. It's really sloppy storytelling, and you really don't care if anyone gets out of this alive and intact.

It's based on a comic book that I haven't read, so I don't know if it's the comic's fault or the adapters. It was directed by the guy that directed Alien Opponent, another flick I saw on Chiller, but i didn't know that BEFORE I watched this, or I wouldn't have watched it.

The zombies stray from the norm in that they go inactive at night, which I thought was sorta original, but then another poster commented that it would have been the perfect time for these losers to escape, and that brought me back to reality.

CGI blood and bullets abound in this, which is reason enough to hate it. Let's get some squibs in here.

Some army guys show up, and then they leave, two characters disappear, but since we don't like them we don't care. Right at the very end they try and tack some back-story onto the main guy to make him more sympathetic i guess, but it's too little too late. The pacing is so off in this, you wonder if they were hoping for a sequel or something.

Again, poorly paced, badly written, and if i'd waited until tomorrow to write this review, i'd probably have forgotten most of it. Don't see.

11 out of 16 people found the following review useful:
Toilet Paper Tiger, 23 January 2011

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

On the cover you will see this movie has popular actors in it, Zach Gallifanakis, Rob Condry, Ving Rhames, Maggie Q and you may think, "I have enjoyed these actors in other roles." You will see guns and think, "I like guns and movies with guns in them, and I like likable actors using guns in movies." Do not be fooled, there are no good performances or gun-play in this movie.

There IS a bad and unfunny script. There is some attempt at tacking on a muddled political message. So if you like badly scripted, half-baked political thrillers without thrills you might enjoy this.

This movie is about two groups of covert intelligence operatives who exist only to oppose each other...that work for the same government in the same department. If you have no problem with that idea, go ahead and see this movie. Both groups are composed of unfleshed out sociopaths, so it's not really easy to care about the characters, but that's OK because apparently you're not supposed to. The dialogue has more f-words than punctuation because that makes it "edgy" and not annoying at all. It also makes for a fun drinking game, since it means you'll be in an alcohol coma before you're 10 minutes into this hunk of crap and spare yourself the pain of watching it in it's entirety.

It sorta follows the story of CLUE (better movie, see it instead!)and once the murder of the agency overseer is discovered, they pair up with their opposite (the person they've spent all their time opposing) and look for an exit from the giant bomb in the building (there is no escaping the giant bomb that is this movie). Once paired up, these top notch espionage agents display cunning and survival instincts that would make a Crystal Lake camper look like Bear Grylls. Rob Condry swears angrily a lot (maybe he was watching the dailies) and everyone dies, but SPOILER/Surprise! the new guy was really super competent and a mole.

This movie was stupid, don't see it.

Piranha 3D (2010)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Bloody boobs, and nothing else., 21 January 2011

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie would have been a bigger hit if they hadn't wasted money on name actors to appear in it. If they'd just stuck to people willing to get topless it could have easily added a million or so to the gross. They paid Richard Dreyfuss like 50,000 dollars for a really pointless cameo, I don't even remember him having lines. Did Ving Rames character even have a name? Sure IMDb lists it, but I watched the movie first and all I could think was, "Are we supposed to care he's dying?". I only knew Dina Meyer was in it because her name was in the credits. She spends her entire role in a scuba mask. Elizabeth Shue pretty much plays the same character Kari Wuhrer does in 8 Legged Freaks, Sheriff Mom. OK, Ving, Dina and Shue aren't exactly Johnny Depp when it comes to in depth character portrayal, but come on! They're actors, let them practice their craft. Most of this movie is people screaming and running out of the water with limbs missing. Or boobs. Come to think of it, I feel i've wasted my time even writing a review for this. If you like story and character, I give this a 1 star (and only because IMDb doesn't go any lower, unlike Aja) but if all you want is blood and boobs, it's probably a 10.

Thank god for Redbox that I only wasted a dollar on this.

Cyclone (1987)
0 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Perfectly Awful, 17 October 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Cyclone is full of laughs and enjoyment. Bare in mind that none of this is intentional on the filmmaker's part. Because that filmmaker is Fred Olen Ray. Fred's name in the credits is nature's way of warning you that there is some plentiful bad movie coming and that you should take proper precautions. Get a lot of friends that appreciate bad movies together, and probably some alcohol too. Otherwise, you might suffer irreparable mental trauma from viewing the film sober and alone.

Cyclone stars Heather Thomas,(most famous to me for her role in the Fall Guy series), as Teri Marshall action bimbo. She lives with the Re-Animator (Jeffrey Combs) who tinkers on motorcycles for some undisclosed government agency. OR maybe it's the private sector, this point is never really made clear, and the script writer probably didn't think that much about it himself. After we see Teri pumping iron with her blonde PT and beating on some yokels we quickly realize that she is the masculine partner in the relationship. She wants to take her egghead boyfriend out dancing at a club that we quickly realize is his laboratory with some slightly different set dressing. We will see this scenery again.

However while the horrible horrible band Haunted Garage plays (I thought the song was Double Meadow, but the credits reveal it was actually Devil Metal, my bad) her boyfriend gets an icepick to the back of the head, and she'd be dead too if it weren't for some extra who gets his face slashed by the hit-man's incompetent girlfriend. Gasp! Could this be related to the top secret project he was working on in his lab? Of course. Teri goes home and via a prerecorded message, the Re-Animator tells her about his armor plated, laser flinging, perpetual clean energy super scooter. Now, why armor plating a motorcycle would be a big deal doesn't make much sense to me, sure the bike is fine but the driver is swiss cheese. Also, the energy source is a MUCH MUCH better invention than the title bike. PERPETUAL CLEAN ENERGY. To hell with the bike! Sigh! With such valuable technology on the line, you'd think the bad guys would have their best men on the job. But it's just the bozo from the nightclub and his girlfriend, a more low rent pair you couldn't find. Their vehicle of choice, a faux wood paneled station wagon. They work for Martin Landau, who will appear in ANYTHING apparently. He has promised the Cyclone to shady Asian businessmen, though it does seem that they are more interested in the power source. Teri gets visited by some government types who apparently work for the same agency as her ex-living boyfriend. They want the bike, but Re-Animator has already told her the only person she can deliver it too is the aptly named Bob Jenkins. After a crash course in super motorcycle safety, she proceeds to do so, to the tune of a song called "Edge of the Night" which I only mention because if Phil Collins wanted to, he would have a pretty good lawsuit against whoever wrote it. It sounds a LOT like In the Air Tonight. However, before Bob Jenkins can get it to safety, he gets shot by Inept Hit-man #1 and crossbow-ed by Inept Hit-man #2. Neither deciding that Teri is important enough to kill I guess. Instead of blasting them with the supercycle, we have a brief station wagon chase-Cyclone chase which ends with Teri escaping.

She hides out with her PT but...SPOILERS...she works for the bad guys! And so of the feds that spoke to Teri earlier! And they all know the inept Hit men! They take Teri to their secret arms dealer HQ which is...her boyfriend's lab/dance club with some boxes piled up in it, and in a vain excuse to show Heather arch her back and scream, they give her the old car battery electric torture. I was kind of surprised at this, until I remember that Teri is just a masculine character played by an actress. She's tough enough to take it until she is saved by the other female agent who shoots the bad agent as they make their getaway. (THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER) Finally after what seems like several hours of movie, we see Cyclone zap something with cartoon lightning bolts. Then there's a really big asplosion and some decent car stuntwork. Teri wins, yay. The agent makes a call to her boss that they have the superbike. Her boss is...SPOILERS...Martin Landau? The hell? If he'd just waited he would have gotten the bike anyway. The "twist" makes absolutely no sense. Hell, if Bob Jenkins worked for the agency, he would have just taken the bike to Landau anyway. Maybe they needed to downsize. I dunno.

So, Cyclone. Bad movie. Good to watch with people who like bad movies.

14 out of 22 people found the following review useful:
Last Rites of director's film career hopefully., 10 October 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

It cost me a dollar to rent this and I have to say it's the worst use I've ever put a dollar to. To think I could have put that as a down payment on a pack of gum or just turned Washington's head into a mushroom. But no, I had to rent the interminable Last Rites of Ransom Pride.

It begins with a voice-over telling us of Juliette's(Lizzy Kaplan)sad childhood and how she had to kill an evil general in his sleep. It's not a terribly long opening narration, and then we're hit with the oddly fonted subtitles telling us it's 11 years later, 11 years after she told us the voice-over or the actual events, we can only guess. By the way, the subtitles are very hard to read, which is unfortunate because they're used quite often.

Other than the little bit of back story we get, the characters aren't particularly deep. Lizzy Kaplan pretty much keeps one expression on her face for the entire flick and Dwight Yokam calls her whore a lot, but that might not have been in the script. Peter Dinklage does as well as he can with the material, but despite this contribution, his character is simply named "Dwarf" in the credits. Don't seem right.

A lot of what follows is intermittently plastered with instant replays of previous scenes and "artsy" shaky cam shots of animal skulls and birds that jerk like they're in a Tool video. These don't really add anything to the film and only serve to prolong the misery of watching it. It's not a terribly complicated story either, but Tiller sure takes the scenic route getting us there. It's like he's slowly winding a broken jack in the box. You want the weasel to pop, but you know it never will.

If you like westerns I wouldn't suggest seeing this, and if you don't like westerns, I still wouldn't.

Scarecrows (1988)
7 out of 10 people found the following review useful:
Scarecrows a real straw dog., 2 August 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

SPOILER! This movie is terrible. It was unavailable on DVD for a long time for this very reason. However some people, (I'm looking at YOU Internet), kept talking it up and ascribing to it some cult status. I hope the cult for this one drinks the kool-aid.

We're dumped into the action with no character introduction or explanation except for what we hear over the radio on WXPO, All exposition, All the time. Somebody double crosses somebody else and we find ourselves at a spooky farmhouse surrounded by spooky scarecrows, who are stood up in a forest with no crops in sight. I waited most of the movie for a hero or even a protagonist to show up, but no luck there. A lot of the dialogue seems to have been reintroduced in post production so a lot of times, people that are talking aren't even in the scene. Characters change depending on scene convenience, the one guy that poses the idea that evil scarecrows have come to life and want to kill us is the one who, when hearing a voice over the radio that nobody else hears, insists it's his friend and turns a gun on the only other survivors. The girl who was kidnapped and is being kept alive only because her pilot father is dead risks her life to save her kidnappers. Oh, and the plane has a wooden floor. Since, i'm a sadomasochist and I watched this til the end, the credits are finished out by dedicating this movie to the director's sister and mother. I wonder if he liked them.

And the worst thing about it is, all things considered, it's a fairly original idea. Scarecrows haven't been given much limelight. Anyone with a modicum of talent could remake this and just realize all the unrealized potential and have a neat little horror flick. Until that happens, I'd give this one a miss.

1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Better than most SyFy movies..., 27 March 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Ah VOD, givin' us previews for movies we might not even turn over at the video store (or, as I call it, Blockbuster). Assault of the Sasquatch is the story of a displaced Sasquatch on the rampage. As far as Sasquatch movies go, it's in my top twenty. A lot of the plot seems sorta lifted from John Carpenter's seminal Assault on Precinct 13, just instead of assorted cops and crooks holding off a siege of faceless extras in an decommissioned police station, we've got assorted cops and crooks holding off a siege of a guy in a gorilla suit at a decommissioned police station. BUT THAT's OK. The story isn't all that bad, it moves at a fairly brisk clip, and it was on demand, so I didn't have to get up from my couch to get it. Good to watch alone or with friends, a sasquatch fan shouldn't miss.

The fifth(?) in the series is better than the first., 15 March 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Prepare to be surprised. A direct to video sequel starring JCVD and Dolph Lundgren that is not only watchable, but entertaining! JCVD reprises his role as Luc Deveraux who just when he thinks he's out, they PULL him back in. Apparently being a zombie face-kicker engine of death is a hard habit to break. Dolph Lundgren is there too...though I have to admit he's not really needed. He doesn't really show up til the movie is half over and then he's not alive for very long. It's a nice nod to the first movie, but it kinda breaks up the pacing. And last but not least, some UFC guy called the pit-bull, not given too many lines but lots of spines to remove, he's definitely playing to his strengths. The story is simple, the action is intense, and there's very little acting required of the leads. If only more S2V productions followed this formula. Check it out.

1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
The Citizen Kane of Monster Truck Revenge Flicks, 7 March 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

If there's a better monster truck revenge movie out there, please direct me to it. I caught this chopped up on cable, so some language and violence might have been cut out, but what I was left with was an entertaining movie about a young trucker who A-Teams a giant killer truck in his barn and goes after the drunken yokels what killed his family. I'm kind of surprised I'd never heard of this movie before I saw the listing and the world monster truck and revenge. Nobody immediately recognizable in it except for Ned Beatty Ben Gazarra-ing (it's a verb, look it up) as a sleazy bar owner with Wolverine hair and a pro-drunk driving policy. He's such a creep the local law enforcement don't seem to mind some phantom vehicle offing his kin, which was almost refreshing in a way for this type of genre film. The finale does fall a little flat in places though, but all in all this was an entertaining little flick that gives the visceral satisfaction of seeing bad guys ground under the wheels of a beWheemoth monster truck. Well done.

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