Reviews written by registered user
sparktom

8 reviews in total 
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Mafia Doctor (2003) (TV)
Boring and Bad, 3 September 2008
2/10

I want the time back I invested in watching this crap.

The acting isn't the worst I've seen, but the STORY is absurd. Paul Sorvino needs a better gig. Dukakis needs a better gig. Isn't there some Hollywood welfare system for these two? Clearly, they're struggling to get a decent script.

Given that talent exists with the cast, the Director has to take the blame for a performance lacking any chemistry. The lines are delivered, the action is done ... yet, I feel it falls flat. I can only imagine what wound up on the editor's floor.

Keep looking if you want to watch a decent mob flick tonight.

1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Worst Mob Movie I've Seen, 3 September 2008
1/10

Geez, where to start? The casting, perhaps. Well, marginal actors with bad material can a real mess make, and this flick stonk so badly I'm longing for a shower. Rossi, with a writing credit (somehow I see him brainstorming with some no-talent hack real writer), crafts himself a plum role that proves the rule about how that's not a good idea. The actor cast in the lead as Vito, has got to be the ugliest, silly looking wop in Hollywood whose lips hang like a raw wound on a mug that could shatter a mirror. Vito's dad, however, deserves the most thumbs-down for believability. He's about as credible for being a mob boss as Andy Dick.

Next, the direction, the script, and the rest. Bad, and worse. I can only assume that this project launched due to Sopranos' success, and they supposed they could snag a low-budget masterpiece by casting their own buddies and their family with an inkling they could act. Sophia Coppola should have shown SOMEBODY in charge how that can work out.

Keep hunting if you want to watch a mafia movie with something to offer. This is a waste of time.

6 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Could only stomach 15 minutes of this stinker, 8 July 2008
2/10

Danny A. is no comic master and I should have learned that from "Hudson Hawk." No, in a flick like this he's more into yukking it up on his own end, and not the audience. Laughing all the way to the bank would be my guess.

I wasn't kidding, 15 minutes was all I could invest in this crap, and the only other movie I had left to watch was a foreign film that looked riskier. It wasn't, thus, a low-budget horror offering from New Zealand beats Danny A. and company. It wasn't even close.

Danny! Stick with mob movies with lots of blood. There's still time. Avoid comedy, Dan.

Army of the Dead (2008) (V)
1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Worse than awful, 27 May 2008
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie is just plain bad. Save your money.

Every cheap trick known to film-making is used in lame attempts to build tension and drama, they don't work. For instance, there is a main character who's a knowledgeable professor and ends up being a bad guy. Speaking of shallow characters, there's the drunk girl who is seldom seen without a bottle of hootch and hoping to share. Plot wise, it's more painful than that. College types seeking lost treasure guarded by the dead should be a formula movie that could have been good, even with a meager budget. It's not. The writing is bad, the casting is bad, the direction is bad.

About casting... who's idea was it to make the film's "sweet, nice, pretty girl" a rather plain looking gal with a mole between her eyes that can only be described as distracting. Sometimes it's hidden by makeup and other times, it's as hard to ignore as John-Boy's cheek melanoma, and I just thank God it didn't have hair.

The movie becomes predictable and tired before the first 20 minutes have gone by. A katana for a birthday gift around the campfire? Come on, like that wasn't going to be used. Turns out it's one that's 400 years old or so. Like college cronies can come up with one of those for a drinking buddy. The end tries to make the hero into something of a McIver (sp?) type genius who lays the legions of undead to waste with his daring-do, and smarts. Too bad, it's as poorly conceived as the rest of the picture.

Skip this one.

2 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Pass this one by, 6 December 2007
2/10

I'll give a "last letter" here ... "D-," a grade that misses "F" only because I HAVE seen worse. Rarely.

Bad script, bad acting, bad everything. "Twelve Angry Men," this is not. Yet, the writer/director somehow thought he'd weave a tale that takes place around a juror's table and VO sepia flashbacks involving the case. Not a respected device for exposition, and this film illustrates why. Not only do twists seem like cheats (i.e. the audience had no shot of discovering it,) but they're just unbelievable to start with.

Stiff, wooden lines do nothing to further the careers of unknowns and past-prime actors here. The ending, unsatisfying and vapid, shows the writer's belief that we'll buy into anything.

0 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Blah!, 5 December 2007
2/10

This was the late, late movie here tonight on an obscure channel. I'd hoped for something watchable, and with the names involved that's reasonable.

I could only watch 25 minutes. There is nothing clever about the writing, the story, the whole enchilada. I reckon I saved myself a horrid unfolding of a predictable plot with a semi-artsy attempt at an unbelievable story.

C'mon! The blind guy, a skater, and masseur/entrepreneur gets a new client ... a successful, beautiful, architect. Possible, but it's pushed things far enough that, "She doesn't know I'm blind," and that she goes to bawling on her first visit fall flat. We assume her tears are due to his sublime touch.

Save this one for a Lifetime extravaganza.

23 out of 36 people found the following review useful:
Jeesh! First Robin Williams in RV, now this ... a Lampoon ripoff., 22 January 2007
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Why all the great reviews? Did anyone really laugh? There was some vulgar humor attempts, but really, very lame stuff.

Did not Chevy Chase do this kind of movie 20+ years ago (and do it well) without the use of dialog like, "Fuck all the women you can ...?" I should have rented something else, I hated it.

Unlike a worse bomb, "RV," with Robin Williams, the brother and sister here are somewhat likable. However, the similarities are striking. Road trip, unpleasant things happen, silly parents. Then hauling a dead relative along for the ride was so ... so ... so ... Lampoon.

I miss you Chevy. Originality is dead.

RV (2006)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
There's nothing worse than an unfunny comedy., 21 November 2006
2/10

Horrible movie. I had hoped for something along the lines of a National Lampoon flick, but this doesn't get close. Williams shows no new chops here, same old mumbling, wise-cracking, schmuck character you'll find in other lame comedies he's cranked out. The characters that surround him, of course, are different shades of "straight man" types; I believe they fall flat. That's a real problem, too. The others that he plays off of are so entirely dislikeable that one is left with nothing but contempt for them. Just TRY to like the teenagers, I dare you.

Even with the obligatory potty humor with the RV's sewage system, there's no real laughs. I had hopes for something better here. Sadly, Williams just doesn't share the comedic timing or talent of someone like Chevy Chase for this type of offering. I'd say he's closer to a Pauly Shore or a Corey Feldman in the ineptitude. Jim Carey would have provided physical humor and a laugh as lead here. Jack Black would have been a swell choice. Heck, even Michael Keaton would have done something more respectable. I'm sorry to say that Williams' thespian stylings would be better used for the under 12 crowd on Saturday mornings.

Save your money, pass this bomb by.