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I love almost all of the 90's to 2010's adult themed cartoons - South Park, King of the Hill, Beavis & Butthead, Family Guy, American Dad, The Cleveland Show, Futurama, The Simpsons, Bob's Burgers, Moonbeam City, Dr. Katz, and The Critic are all good to great shows - and it appears I will have to add "Bordertown" to that list!
Just watched the first episode...hilarious. I found myself laughing out loud at numerous bits, especially the guy who kept getting abducted & anal probed by aliens and how the aliens started treating him like he was their late-night booty call -- great stuff! We'll see how it goes from here...but so far...nice start.
JD (IMDB member since 2000!)
Kick-Ass 2 (2013)
An R-rated movie for kids?!
The first "Kick Ass" was a decent effort. Not particularly my favorite movie of all-time, but its certainly watchable. I hadn't anticipated watching KA2, especially at the theater, but I found myself purchasing an opening-night ticket out of sheer boredom.
Now, if you're a teenager, I'm about to sound like a grumpy old man. And maybe I am. But seeing uniformed police officers get savagely ambushed and murdered shouldn't be anybodies cup of tea. I thought how the killing of the officers was done in particular (up-close scenes of uniformed cops being shredded by bullets before having any chance to respond) was terribly in bad taste. I'd have to think that is #2 on my complaint list though. My #1 complaint, or question really, is: at what point does parading around a 14-year-old girl constantly with "screw me" looks on her face become child porn?! Seriously. 14 years old...and in this movie she's dating, kissing, dressing up as a slut, consistent "adult-eyes" close-ups, and - of course - saying the "F" word constantly. Didn't anybody call the real police during filming?! It was off-putting to say the least.
Those cringe-worthy scenes aside, the movie still had gaping holes in it. After numerous police are killed, news stations are somehow still fixated on the townsfolk dressing up in costumes. No federal response whatsoever. Then, after Kick Ass'es dad gets killed (who the news is reporting as the actual Kick Ass), they show his funeral surrounded by about a half-dozen cops. Really? Evil super-villains just killed dozens of cops...then they kill what people think is Kick Ass (somehow got to him and got out even while he was sitting in a jail cell)...and the police response at the funeral was a few random cops?!?! In real-life, the FBI would have taken over the town and that funeral would have been swarming with, heck, a near military presence. Even later in the movie, Hit Girl incredulously asks her father "Who's gonna stop the bad guys if not me...you? The townsfolk playing dress-up? WHO?!" Um...how about the joint task force of the local police, FBI and CIA?! She kinda skipped over them as possibilities somehow! In the end, things like that in this movie made little sense.
If you think I've covered the mess entirely, you would be incorrect. Even a 17-year-old Kick Ass is, get this, screwing one of the other superheroes in bathroom stalls quite frequently! And I don't mean somebody teasing them about it...they actually show the bathroom stall shaking back and forth while all the moaning is going on! They might not be showing it, but you know...right behind that bathroom door, he's doing things to her you wouldn't do to a farm animal!
The worst scenes of the movie, other than all the cop-killing, has to be an near-unwatchable couple minutes where they mix in vomiting with fart/diarrhea jokes. This might have been the first ever R-rated movie exclusively for kids.
All-in-all, this movie lacked class. It attempted to appeal to the lowest-common denominator. They even sold it as Jim Carrey having a decent-sized role...he didn't. (Though Carrey was probably the only bright spot I could find in this movie...he was good as usual). If you're a thinking adult, pass on it. If you're a raunchy kid or tween, this will likely be right up your alley.
Red Dawn (2012)
We're gonna need a defibrillator for Josh Peck's career!...
First off how in the hell are they ever going to resuscitate Josh Peck's career after THAT?! I seen better acting out of unpaid extra's in Matthew Broderick's "Godzilla"! Peck's performance in Red Dawn made me feel bad...not for him, but his mother! Perhaps the worst performance in modern movie history.
But Josh Peck looks like Gregory Peck compared to the pitiful Connor Cruise. Connor appeared genuinely scared...not of the invading North Koreans, but the camera! If he gets any meaningful work anytime soon, I'll kiss your ass.
I wouldn't say the beginning of the movie was promising by any means, but the middle and end made the start look like "Gone With the Wind" by comparison. It started out with the actual game of high school football, rather than just a mention of the score like in the 1984 version (in both versions, both teams lost BTW). But the implausibility of the actions in the football game made you wish they had simply just mentioned the score too. Peck couldn't stop you from noticing his bad acting even with a helmet and shoulder pads on. And that was the "good" part of the movie! It got Troll-2-like bad after that.
In the rugged, gritty 1984 version, you could feel the hunger of the kids, their fatigue, their anger, their uncleanliness. They ate everything from wild animals to cereal without milk. The women looked war-torn, disheveled. In this dud, the women apparently never ran out of lipstick or shampoo and the kids, get this, robbed a Subway for food! And because obvious product placement like robbing a Subway isn't quite enough, they called the guy behind the counter a "Sandwich Specialist" during the robbery. What was that, an extra $10,000 or so for that line to be throw in there?! Then, they eat like a typical bunch of teenagers at a party, simply throwing out leftovers. Nobody truly hungry would behave in that manner, kids or not. A single piece of rice is like gold to a hungry person. Then, when recounting the things they miss, they all mention something dumb, but one of the kids mentions Call of Duty. Really? Call of Duty, a video game about war, is on your mind when you're in an actual war? Come on. Atrocious writing. The writer just had to drop a video game reference in there, to be cool you know.
One last thing that drew my ire The scene in the original '84 classic when they shot the deer was heartfelt and memorable. In this version, I won't tell you what happened, but they could have just brought out a DVD of the '84 version and took a crap on it instead, would have worked about the same.
This movie isn't worth the buffalo sh1t on a nickel! Avoid it, trust me.
This movie is Dogsh!t...
Oliver Stone...you sir, have lost your touch. After making such brilliant films as JFK, Platoon and Natural Born Killers, you have lowered yourself to the likes of Wall Street 2 and this heaping pile of dog manure, Savages.
The star of the movie, Blake Lively, essentially plays a spoiled whore. Hard to root for that type of person. She is paired up with 2 rich entrepreneurs. Now, I know there are different relationships on this planet, but I find it a bit hard to believe that 2 young, attractive, in-shape rich guys would end up sharing a girlfriend like that...it just didn't feel possible. Atrocious writing. Then, in a line that rivals "Oh my Godddd" from Troll 2 and "He's the Lawrence of my labia" from Sex and the City 2, Lively spouts, when speaking of screwing the war veteran, "I have orgasms. He has wargasms." Grrrrr! How f-ing stupid is that f-ing line?!?! It pisses me off to be honest with you. Wargasms? Come on. Just bad writing.
The voice-over from Lively as well...terrible. It truly sounded like an audition tape from one of those online broadcasting colleges. And Emile Hirsch...what was he doing in this movie? His part should have been played by a talented extra. He was completely wasted, a "nothing" role. Hirsch personally must have had a few difficult days driving into work during filming, wondering where his career was heading.
And how in the world, Stone, are you going to start a movie off with the voice-over of Lively saying something to the effect of "just because I'm talking at the start doesn't mean I'm alive at the end"...just for her to end up being friggin alive at the end?! WTF?! But I could excuse all these things...all of them...if the movie wasn't such a BORE! Stone should be having fun with this movie, ala Natural Born Killers, instead he made a cheap, lazy, boring movie with a terrible ending that ended up costing me $5 and two hours of my life. Oliver Stone, you sir, can supple upon my ball sack!
Cowboys & Aliens (2011)
I'd rather watch flies screw...
I'm not saying you must have a lower-than-normal IQ to enjoy this movie...but IF you do have a lower-than-normal IQ, you probably enjoy this movie.
The plot...whew...It has more holes in it than a horse-trader's mule! Where do they come up with this stuff?! First, Craig's character escapes 3 people who have rifles pointed at him from a fairly safe distance...then he escapes the townsfolk who have, get this, a $1 Million Dollar bounty on his head (a RIDICULOUS dollar amount for the late 1800's), then he escapes a she-woman-alien who's following him, then he escapes some aliens who chase him, then he escapes what seems to be 500 Indians (the actors were Mexicans in Indian gear), then he escapes some aliens again...then I turned the movie off! Who knows what he else he escapes from?! Craig's escape-ability would make Houdini blush!
I don't like the word "retarded", but come on, what other word can possibly be used?!...I'm not Stephen King ya know! Get this...Craig once jumps from a running horse onto the wing of an flying alien spaceship!!! I can approach this from so many angles, its difficult to choose where to begin! I mean, really, how fast was the damn horse running in the first place not to be completely blown-away by a spaceship that conquered interstellar space travel?!?! Then, and you barely even need to be paying attention to notice, but...Craig is hanging off the wing of this spaceship, the one he just jumped onto from a horse, traveling at a tremendous rate of speed, which he then manages to blow up, and all the while Craig's frigging hat stays on!!! That hat would have had to of been welded onto his head for it to stay on there! Then he lands in a river and the hat is finally off his head...I guess that G4-like wind wasn't enough to knock the hat off, nor was the massive explosion he was just involved in, but hitting the water sure did the trick! Its just stupid. On a side note, the horse-to-spaceship-jump supplants the previously #1-ranked "Idiotic and Unrealistic Jump In A Movie", the bus-jump-without-a-ramp scene from Speed, down to #2!
Also, beers were apparently .50 cents -- in 1883!! I get 50-cent beers during happy hour here in 2012! 50 cents in 1883 would buy you more than a beer this movie makes no sense. Watch for Craig too, while at the bar, to hammer a few shots, then pours a shot, gets interrupted before he drinks it, then pours himself another shot in the shot glass that should have already been full! My buddy asked "How could they make such an obvious mistake?" I responded with "You mean that scene or the entire movie?!"
At the time of this writing, I've watched over 1800 movies...and this is one of the worst! It stinks.
El secreto de sus ojos (2009)
This is the reason I love movies...
I was caught off-guard by Juan Jose Campenella's Oscar-winning "The Secret In Their Eyes". What a moving, passionate, high-quality piece of art. Equal parts uplifting and devastation. Film-making just doesn't get any better than this.
My friends, here in the metro Detroit area, constantly poke fun at me for seeking out subtitled foreign movies. But "The Secret In Their Eyes" reminds me of why I do...because movies are my passion. Passion is one of the key themes of the film...watch the movie and you will see why! The film is filled with so many memorable scenes, its difficult to pick out the high-water-mark. But I'd have to go with the tremendously-edited helicopter and crane shot over the soccer stadium and the mayhem that ensues thereafter. It was a reminder to me of how brilliant film-making can really be. Beautiful.
Drama. Passion. Romance. Mystery. Thriller. Elements of comedy. The effects of aging. This movie truly has it all. Seek it out, you will be glad you did!
Sex and the City 2 (2010)
Sex and the Chitty...
I'm a rare breed...a heterosexual male who enjoyed "Sex and the City" on HBO. I don't have the DVD set between my ass-cheeks or anything like that, but it's a good show. This movie, on the other hand...I'll sum it up with the word "stinks".
There are plenty of problems I have with the finished product. First off, the movie is set in Abu Dhabi...a location where most of the audience couldn't find on a map if they were given a flashlight-hat, a magnifying glass and a clue! And, by the way, movie producers, the show/movie is called "Sex AND the City". And that city is NEW YORK, clowns! Half of the identity and allure of the show is that it is set in New York. This sequel being set in Abu Dhabi would be like making a sequel to "Waterworld" and setting it in the Sahara desert! What an absolutely utter, moronic decision to cast it in Abu Dhabi. Who green-lights these types of decisions...and is there any way to have those people rounded up and savagely killed in a public setting?! Secondly, and trust me, I'm completely aware that Hollywood is going to milk this cow completely dry...but the basis of the TV series was the trials and tribulations of 4 middle-aged women trying to find their way in relationships and in life. That type of show inevitably brings a "best by" date along with it though. And that date has clearly passed. The show now resembles 3 rich and snobby above-middle-aged women...and their Grandma. People get old. Plots (excluding cartoons and superheroes) get stale. It's inevitable. No need to trounce around a 53-year-old Kim Cattrall spouting cringe-worthy lines that no 50-plus-year-old women would ever utter! (Example: After meeting a well-to-do Arab man, Cattrall announces "He's the 'Lawrence of my labia'!") Ouch. I had to pause and take a shower after writing that line! There's bad puns and there's bad puns...but that one takes the cake! A common theme from the general public in regards to the show...which is understandably getting louder and louder over the years...is the question of "Are there any humans on Earth that actually behave in this manner?!" You've got one girl, Cattrell, who's such a slut, she puts a drunk and coked-out Lindsay Lohan to shame! With her sexual past, I wouldn't touch her with a hazmat suit on! Kristen Davis manipulates more partners than Glenn Beck does viewers. And Sarah Jessica Parker - her love interest is nicknamed "Big". If that's not a slut for you -- nicknaming your boyfriend based on his member -- I don't know what is! I don't know any guys who would actually date any of these girls. They are high-maintenance, petty, gold-digging, partner-jumping, manipulating whores with apparent mental issues.
And what's up with the running time?! 2-1/2 hours for a show about sex, gossip and relationships?! This isn't "Schindler's List" material you know! Liza Minnelli makes an appearance for comic relief...with the exception that she didn't really bring any comedy. Doing the whole "laugh-at-the-old-lady" routine isn't that bright considering your cast is all 40+ or 50+ aged females. Just horrible.
Trust me, it's awful.
Thank you for reading!
Lowly dog! Bow your head! Kneel and worship at the wonder that is Machete!
I must say, one of my most enjoyable times ever watching a movie was when I seen "Machete"! To enhance the experience, to give it a more 80's feel, my girlfriend and I actually found a drive-in theater to see it in...Talk about fun! We had beer, smoke, snacks, and a tub of the most buttery popcorn you've ever tasted! With the hilarious antics on the screen, it was truly a great time. Many kudos Mr. Rodriguez!
Machete had it all -- action, comedy, a grindhouse look and feel, crime, drugs and violence...What else could you ask for?! Oh, how about great actors and actresses such as Robert DeNiro, Steven Seagal and Jessica Alba...and a naked Lindsay Lohan?! Yes, a naked Lindsay Lohan!!! I just love that girl, lol! It simply had the perfect mix for a great summer movie.
Machete also gives nods to past great Robert Rodriguez / Quentin Tarantino films. I noticed references to "From Dusk Till Dawn", "Planet Terror", "Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2" and "Death Proof". Can't wait for the DVD so I can catch them all! Much to my satisfaction, "The Crazy Babysitter Twins" (Electra Avellan and Elise Avellan) from "Planet Terror" also had roles. If you aren't aware of them, they are easily two of the hottest girls on the planet!...And they shoot machine guns while wearing sexy nurse outfits! See, I told you Machete had it all! :) There were some great individual performances as well. To me, Cheech Marin's character was just hilarious. I would love to spill the scene of Cheech and Lindsay Lohan, which had me laughing for about 15 minutes alone! Steven Seagal was also terrific - he had a spectacular one-liner that you shouldn't miss. Robert DeNiro was very funny as well. Jeff Fahey was super cool. And you can't say enough about the 66-year-old Danny Trejo...I'd be happy to look anywhere close to him at 36! Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez helped carry the story, they were tremendous. Great, great acting. I can't say enough of how much fun this movie is, see it!
Thanks for reading everyone!
Iron Man 2 (2010)
There's a turd in the punch bowl!!...
Repeat: There's a turd in the punch bowl!
This movie is a microcosm of everything wrong with Hollywood...and, unfortunately, humans in general.
You see, in the most basic terms possible...people are, for the most part, stupid. There are far more of these stupid people on Earth than intelligent ones. So, if you want to sell something to these people, like a movie, you need to dial-down the intelligence level of the product. (In this way, Iron Man 2 succeeds!) For instance, let's say you want to sell a product to a group of Sarah-Palin-backing Tea Baggers. You already know, without ever meeting any of them, that this a group of people who supports a brainless political creation, one who doesn't even belong to the Tea Bagger party! (High intelligence there, eh?!) So if you were to invent a t-shirt with a saying on it, with the intention of selling it to a Tea Bagger...would you create an articulate, detailed argument on the t-shirt...or would you create something that appeals to the lowest common denominator? Would your t-shirt say something smart and factual like "90% of Tea Baggers got a tax cut under Obama!". Or would you just put Obama on the shirt with a Hitler mustache?! Which one is going to sell better? Same thing here with "Iron Man 2". A producer COULD spend $200 Million on something highly intelligent and with some redeeming value -- and sell less tickets -- or that same producer could spend the $200 Million on a bunch of special effects, A-list stars and explosions -- and sell more tickets. So, intelligent people (I'm assuming if you have read this much, you're probably more intelligent than most), we get stuck with these sorry excuses for movies all the time! And I, for one, am sick of it!
Where does Iron Man 2 go wrong? Where to begin?! First off, Mickey Rourke looks like a feminine version of "Professor Chaos"! Where did they come up with that suit design, the Johnny Weir collection?! And Gwyneth Paltrow? How does she keep getting work?! She's the "Mark Harmon" of actresses! In one scene, she seductively kisses the Iron Man mask -- with no human in it! (Imagine her horror when she read the script for the first time and came across that scene!) I almost felt bad for her...then I reminded myself that she is Gwyneth Paltrow! Next in line for this money-grab excuse of a movie is the usually brilliant Robert Downey Jr. If his performance were any more wooden, his nose would grow when he lied!!
In my opinion, there has only been one Comic Book movie worthy of a "10" rating and that was "Batman Begins". Iron Man 2 falls woefully short of that standard. A big step back from Iron Man 1 even. Don't let the fancy CGI and big explosions fool you...this is a clunker!
Thank you for reading!
The Crazies (2010)
A not-so-well-plotted piece of claptrap that made me want to retch!
Simply put, "The Crazies" stunk.
I was satisfied after a strong opening 20 minutes, but then it sunk like the Titanic (the boat, not the movie, lol)! It slowly transformed from thoughtful and intriguing (like an old "Twilight Zone" episode) to resorting to cheap scares (loud BOOM out of nowhere that would awaken someone out of a coma) and "saved at the last second" scenes. One "saved at the last second" scene could have been predicted by a blind Stevie Wonder! Sheriff and Deputy arrive at a house. Sheriff goes one way, the Deputy another. Sheriff gets "cheap-scared" after searching an empty room, a loud boom noise from the movie's Score, then turns around to a pair of sneaky (and previously QUIET) zombies! After a struggle, a few bullets shot, and the nozzle of a gun pointed right at the Sheriff...quick shot of the gun, quick shot of the scared Sheriff, quick shot of the gun, another shot of the Sheriff who's resigned to death...then guess what? BOOM! The trusty Deputy is there to save the day, pulling the trigger at the very last moment! Wow, I couldn't have seen that one coming! (And to top it off, he somehow had the angle -- and the viewpoint to see what the heck was going on upstairs -- to shoot the zombie in the heart from the front lawn!) Lots of corny lines (when pointing a gun at the Sheriff, the Deputy says "ONE...TWO...THREE...that's how many times I saved your life!") and unbelievable situations continue.
Small points also make little sense. One of the zombies, at the beginning stages of becoming a zombie, actually gets taken to the doctor. After reacting extremely strangely to the doctor, so strange that the doctor should consider hospitalization or getting mental experts involved, she basically says to the family "Have him take two of these and call me in the morning"! Guy goes home and proceeds to kill his family. Doctor, after a complete swing and a miss on the diagnosis, takes no responsibility for the deaths whatsoever. Movie moves on. Blah.
The movie isn't entirely without merit though. I thought it was actually well-made from a technical standpoint. The actors, though inexperienced, showed a passion for acting. After the 2005 debacle that was "Sahara", one of the least memorable movies in modern history, Director Brent Eisner finally got a job 5 years later...and I he did well in his return. He should do fine being at the helm for "Flash Gordon" in 2012.
The Crazies...great start then descends into mediocrity at best. See it at your own peril!
JD (LittleShopOfPosters.com >> Coming soon!)