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Teddy Bears' Picnic (2002)
Bad PR for Bohemian Grove
Its not a good film. It's not very funny.
But what's worse is that this is little more apologist piece on behalf of long term Bohemian Grove guest Harry Shearer.
Quite how this film managed to get made leads to some very worrying thoughts. Viewers might want to catch Alex Jones's "The Order of Death" for an alternative view of the goings on at Bohemian Grove.
But politics aside, is it anything more than a grown up a very of Animal House? I'm sorry to say it's not. In fact to be honest, it makes Animal House look like Citizen Kane by comparison and I can only imagine this would be because of the poor concept at the start of production.
Not very original at all.
So would I rent it (again)? No. Would I watch it on TV? (not again!).
Flight 93 (2006)
Not bad.. but ending contained surprise statement
This is about as good as a TV movie could be on the subject. The acting, in general, is pretty good with only a few exceptions and the film plods along on an even keel.
One thing that did shock me (and lets face it, there can't be spoilers because we 'know' what happened) is the ending. When the FBI agents say they can't find the plane and that there isn't enough wreckage. In a mainstream TV broadcast, that totally blew me away. What are the makers suggesting. That Flight 93 didn't crash? That it was blown out of the sky? Compared to the rest of the movie, this was a startling statement.
My only problem with this and United 93 is that we don't really fully understand what happened, let alone what happened on board. It's all a fantasy. A hero myth to help us heal our memories of September 11th 2001.
Perhaps its time somebody had the opportunity to put forward an alternative view. Based more on what we DO know.
Flight 93 isn't that film. But it's strong for a TV movie and should be rewarded by a viewing for that.
The Eve of St. Mark (1944)
Not fantastic but worth a view.
Run of the mill war time drama centering around the training and combat experiences of a small town farm boy.
The cast of characters are a block of defaults from every war movie ever created. Only the over dramatized, over the top performance of the hugely over written script really lower this into a cinema play of the worst kind.
The scenes in the nightclub when Vincent Price quotes Shakespeare are just dreadful.
First victim of war is Vincent Price's accent. But the time they are going to war he's lost his Southern drawl! Amazingly, the C.O. in Mash turns up when he's in his 20's and HE SOUNDS THE SAME! It's amazing.
Is it worth watching, well... if there's nothing better on. Otherwise, give it a miss.
The Producers (2005)
Not quite as funny as the original... for a number of reasons
The Producers is a great film. That's the 1968 version. It was both funny, sexy and downright appalling all at the time time.
Then Mel Brooks made it into a musical and this was excellent. Great songs (some from the original film) lots of energy and so forth.
Then Susan Stroman, someone more famous for choreography, remade the musical of the film and it's flat. I mean its just got zero energy in it. Despite all the glitz, glamor and shiny teeth.
I love all the people in it, accepting that Broderick is no Wilder.
It should have been awesome.
But loosing the audience lost everything.
What a shame... but you should never try to reboil cabbage.
Well, it's not Citizen Caine. But then its no 'The Animal' either
It's pretentious, derivative and borderline codswhallop. But for some reason I just can't find myself totally disliking this film.
Critics gave it a total slaying. But then I think critics were all geared up for the act because of ever increasing indulgence on the part of Guy Richie. Swept Away should have been and even the reasonably hit of Snatch started the ball rolling.
Too much cockney gangsters and guns.
But Revolver is Guy's attempt of raising his game into the same territory as Bryan Singer's The Usual Suspects or Christopher Nolan's Memento and this is dangerous mistake because, without being too rude to Mr Richie, he's not in the same league.
Guy Richie should be making films like Transporter, pop-corn movies with pace. But for some reason he's turned his back on all of this and wants to create the Citizen Kane of gangster films. Well, he's toasted his career and I see his next project is for TV. Ouch.
S.S. Doomtrooper (2006)
Wow, I mean this is truly awful.
I'm almost open to the idea that this is fact a comedy, because quite possibly its worst acted, scripted and directed film I've seen in a long time.
Think "Aliens" meets "Band of Brothers" meets "Robocop" via the computer game "Return to Castle Wolfenstein".
I just love the total lack of any authenticity; snipers stood in the middle of the road; machine guns that never run short of ammo. Fantastic.
As for the Doomtrooper. Hey, all they have to do is shut down the Playstation 2 its been rendered from and they will be sorted. Boy, does it look terrible. As do all the CGI effects. I mean the matte of the sea, with the fortress in the background. Its just awful! I like the idea of hiding in a house with all the lights on and no curtains.
But worse of all. The most terrible thing in all of this. Ben Cross. Dear, dear me.
Son of the Mask (2005)
If he were dead the Mask's dad would be spinning in his grave
Truly one of the worst films ever made, attempting to trade previous good favor to the original for a fast book.
If you are even short of a good reason to never make a sequel, just site this.
It's not clever, it's not original and it's not even funny. Even 'The Mask' fails to impress, not because we are used to 'the effect' but because 'the effect' appears to have suffered a retrograde step in its development. What once appeared to be a plastic faced Jim Carrey, but was in fact makeup, not appears to be a wooden Jamie Kennedy painted green. He reminds me of a fence we used have.
Son of the Mask appears to have killed director Lawrence Guterman's career. There IS a god.
12 Days of Terror (2005)
Its Jaws, but not as we know it.
Almost gentle version of Jaws, with all key elements still intact; the business officials refusing to close the beach, the one man fighting public opinion, the grief stuck mother.
Here's the thing, Peter Benchley based Jaws upon this true story. So whether you consider the 1916 attacks or Jaws as the 'original' is up to you. But to my liking the film has one to many 'replica' lines from the Spielberg classic. Including the salty sea-dog of a shark hunter.
Don't get me wrong, this is actually a very enjoyable film. But don't expect to watch Jaws twixt the Waltons, its better than that; including elements of politics of the time (America's continued resistance to join the war in Europe) and the class structure of rich and poor.
Interesting, very interesting.... but would you pay to see it? No, I guess not.
Just not possible
There are millions of comments going into this film and I can see why opinion is split.
Some people grew up with the long running and chaotic radio play. Some people remember the original BBC Radio series and others remember the books best of all.
But I can imagine this film only appealing to new fans of Adam's work because a whole set of preconceived ideas of character and plot have been established which are only broken and confused by this film.
The fact is that two hours is simply not enough time to squeeze in either a six part mini-series or a umpteen part radio play. But it would have been unacceptable to film produces to create a half finished plot. It's simply catch 22 and I have a lot of sympathy of the production staff in trying to do it.
What might have been better would have been to start as Hitchhikers does and then go onto a completely different tack. But without the writing talents of Douglas Adams, that would have been impossible.
So where does that leave us?
Is it a truly terrible film? No, not in the slightest. Is it a complete lash-up of the original? Absolutely.
Personally, I blame the mice.
Not the worlds worst movie ever made.... but certainly playing in the same cinema
Well. I caught this on a new satellite channel called "Badmovies.com". What can I say, it's brilliant. In that its probably the worst film ever made. Well, there are worst. I could rattle off some bigger names, but why bother. You know them already.
Back to the movie. It's a stinker. Apart from the old 'bible stuffed in the shirt' routine to avoid being stabbed and the often hysterical dialog its just about the daftest plot going. But hey! He should have stuck with being Perry Mason's side kick.
My personal favorite part is the bullet that clearly must have gone through his left lung but only left superficial damage! Then he hops into a dirty cold lake with no affects. Must be a good diet or something.