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*** This review may contain spoilers ***
It's been a while since I've done these, but I've been meaning to write
a review for "Dirty Blondes From Beyond." It's cheesy, but hey, it's
supposed to be cheesy.
It begins with Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley, using a vaguely Russian-sounding accent for whatever reason) and her bodyguard Vema (Jazy Berlin) crash landing onto Earth after outrunning the evil empress Krella (Christine Nguyen) and her loyal servant Tharis (Erika Jordan) through the galaxies. Farra wants Krella's help in saving her planet, but Krella just wants a piece of tail. Go figure.
After exiting their ship on Earth, hijinks ensue. They hide out in a cabin in the woods, where the horny Jock (Evan Stone, always good for some comedy) is waiting for them. Meanwhile, 2 Men in Black-like government operatives (Smith and Jones, played by Voodoo and Jenna Presley respectively) are hot on the trail, as is a conspiracy theorist (Eric Masterson) seeking footage to prove that extraterrestrial life exists. Tharis follows Farra and Vema to Earth in order to capture them for Krella, but she too succumbs to the strange creatures with the "third leg," commonly known as men on this planet.
Once the good girls prevail and send Tharis back to space empty-handed (as you know they would), they find that they cannot power up their ship without a "fromitz," a strange object that turns out to be an ordinary vibrator. The look on Vema's face when she powers up the "fromitz" is priceless.
This film had a fair amount of sex scenes, with a few of them being girl/girl. If you like big boobs, Jenna Presley brings the goods nicely here. Such a big chest for such a small girl. "Dirty Blondes From Beyond" is a decent softcore sci-fi flick, but that's about all it is...decent. The story is kind of flimsy, and a vibrator turns out to be the ship's power supply? Now that's hilariously bad. It has its fair share of laughs, including Brandin Rackley's silly accent and Vema proudly proclaiming she's an alien while completely naked. Smith spends the whole movie trying to get into Jones's pants (Spoiler: He succeeds at the very end) while Tharis winds up somewhat relieved that Krella didn't replace her with Farra.
This is an alright flick to pass the time with, though.
Women: A. I enjoyed the female selection in this movie. Brandin Rackley is a softcore treasure; she's got a great body and she can act. Christine Nguyen still looks good. Jazy Berlin was hilarious and sexy. Jenna Presley? Oh my goodness--boobs that don't quit, I tell ya. Erika Jordan was alright too. I couldn't find any truly ugly ones in the bunch.
Sex: B. The sex scenes were solid, but not great. The g/g scenes were alright, the b/g scenes were alright, the 3-way was okay....nothing spectacular here, but it wasn't horrible. A couple of them were actually quite decent, though.
Story: B-. I'm giving this movie a B- because of the funny quips that the characters had, and there were quite a few of them. The story itself was OK for softcore, but it wasn't that great either. This was a case where the story wasn't that good, but the dialogue was cheesy in a good way. So, I'm giving it a nod and pushing into the low B range.
Overall: B. "Dirty Blondes From Beyond" is a decent flick with funny, yet cheesy dialogue and good looking women. It's what you'd look for in a softcore comedy, and it delivers that. There are better comedies in the genre though; in fact, I'd recommend "Baby Dolls Behind Bars," a movie featuring many of the same people that were in this movie. This movie is good as a second or third choice if you've got some skin flicks to choose from on any given night, but it wouldn't be my first choice.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I just saw this movie yesterday on Cinemax On Demand, and...wow. I was
literally blown away by the chests on display in this movie. If you
like big boobs or surgically-enhanced breasts, you'll be happy. If
you're not a fan of porn stars in softcore films, you probably
won't...because this movie was full of them.
"Bikini Time Machine" starts off with Sarah Vandella (aka Sara Sloane), wearing a princess costume, in a girl-girl scene with Kandi (Jenna Presley). Why waste time setting up a plot when we can just dive right into the sex, right? That's what I thought, too. While the audience gets an eyeful of the lesbian sex going on, the camera occasionally switches back to Kandi, who is sitting in a room with a strange contraption on her head.
The contraption sends people back in time, but it has the side effect of making them very horny. Yep, that's right. The professor who invented it just got fired because the dean thinks he's just a dirty old man; however, he gets a chance to use his invention for good.
Enter Laura (Joslyn James) a restaurant owner who's pretty down on her luck lately. Business is slow, and the income is trickling in. She's just been handed a notice saying that she needs to pay $15,000 to a greedy land developer before August 15, or she'll lose her business--the business she inherited from her grandfather. How is she going to come up with that kind of cash in such a short time?
Stop me if you've heard this one before. STSWB, folks. But wait, it gets better! Watergate, the antagonist in this flick, sends his son to get Laura's financial information, to make sure she's not going to have the cash to buy her way out of things. In the process, he gets to have sex with Laura. Benefits of the job, I'd say.
Laura has a roommate, named Sarah (Kylee Nash). She also works at the diner, and tries to help Laura come up with a solution. That solution comes in the form of a lottery ticket....a losing lottery ticket. This is where the good professor comes in. Laura and Sarah use his time traveling contraption to go back in time to the previous day so they can buy the winning lottery ticket and win the money needed to save Laura's business.
But first, a girl-girl sex scene, featuring the 4 biggest breasts in the film. We're all winners now.
There's not much to say about the actual plot of the film--only that it didn't get a chance to suck too badly because Kylee was taking out her boobs, or Joslyn was taking hers out....you get the picture. Before the scene could truly suck, boobs popped out and saved the scene.
Women: A+. This was a stacked cast in more ways than one. Joslyn James and Kylee Nash got the most screen time, but the other minor players were good as well.
Sex: B+. The sex was solid, but not the kind of stuff I usually see in MRG movies. It wasn't bad though. The g/g scene with Kylee and Joslyn was surprisingly good. Kylee Nash made her scenes better by doing the splits in them. She did the splits in every single one.
Story: C. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great either. It was merely a vehicle to move everything along and get us to the next sex scene, but it did have an actual resolution to it. In that sense, it did the job.
Overall: B+. "Bikini Time Machine" is a solid piece of softcore that has some laughs and some groans too, but someone will get naked before you get the chance to be groaning for too long. Kylee Nash was the comic relief in this movie, and she played her role well. Joslyn James was alright as the lead actress. I wasn't expecting her to do much here because she's not exactly known for her acting ability, if you know what I mean. I'm pretty sure she'll get better with more of these types of roles.
Check this flick out if you like boobs though, just don't expect much of anything else.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
This is my first softcore review in quite some time. When I saw this
movie on Cinemax a couple of nights ago, I felt compelled to come back
to IMDb to get the review juices flowing again. Yes, this movie had
THAT kind of an effect on me.
"Housewives From Another World" is a quality skin flick from Fred Olen Ray's Retromedia pipeline. Fred's "Bikini" franchise has been going strong for a while now, and I suppose he's decided to branch out a little bit.
We begin with Max (Frankie Cullen), a researcher working on a deep space satellite....no, wait. Let's not begin there. Let's begin with Max banging the neighbor lady Rita (Rebecca Love) upstairs in the bedroom, because that's how the movie starts. Rebecca Love's chest is on display here (when is it NOT on display) and that's what matters the most here. Good way to start the movie!
After that, we get into the plot: While Max is having sex with Rita, two things happen simultaneously: his wife, Karen (Heather Vandeven), comes home from a business trip early, and a small meteorite crashes in the backyard of the house. Karen finds Max upstairs in bed with Rita, causing Rita to scamper away. Karen, obviously distraught about catching her husband in bed with the neighbor, resigns herself to drinking away her problems. She finds the destroyed meteorite in the yard and picks up a few shards of it.....when that happens, a strange thing happens to her. Her body is taken over by an alien life form!
As I mentioned before, Max is a researcher, working on a deep space satellite. His work is what the aliens have come to Earth for, because the construction of the satellite means imminent doom for their planet. While that's going on, Tom (Tony Marino) and Carla (Christine Nguyen), Max's co-workers and fellow researchers, are also trying to steal Max's plans for their own personal gain...well, Tom has a few bad debts he has to pay off, but you get my drift.
Meanwhile, the alien inside Karen makes it her duty to "take care" of her husband so he can focus on his work. Yep, I said it. She even recruits Rita and Carla (their bodies anyway) to help her in her quest to foil Max's plans. The movie worked in a bare-bones plot, but as we all know, a good plot is merely a side dish in a softcore movie.
The aliens inhabiting these three ladies have never experienced carnal knowledge before, so they spend most of the movie having sex with the guys and with each other. Hey, it's softcore, what do you expect? The sex scenes were solid for the most part, and Heather Vandeven surprised me by pulling off the comedy in a decent fashion. Rebecca Love and Christine Nguyen are veterans of the game by now, and they turned in worthwhile performances in supporting roles. A naked Rebecca Love is always a treat that NEVER disappoints. I attribute the sex scene performance to her adult film experience, but the girl can be funny and sexy at the same time.
In short, HFAW is a pretty good way to spend 80 minutes. The sex wasn't bad, the plot was good for a chuckle, and the women all had boobs-a-plenty. Solid attributes if you ask me, and definitely worth a couple spins on the DVR.
Women: A. There was something about all three of these women that I liked. Why I like Rebecca Love should be obvious; just look at her chest. However, she's not bad at softcore comedy. Christine Nguyen is probably the best pure actress of the three, but she turned in a couple of decent sex performances too. Heather Vandeven had the lead female role here, and she was solid. Not great, not bad, but solid. She wasn't great at anything, but she was good at just about everything.
Sex: B+. The sex scenes were pretty good for the most part; however, a couple of them just didn't seem to have any heat. I have to say that I like MRG's style of presenting sex scenes better, because they tend to feel and look a bit more realistic. I thought all three girls were going to have a lesbian three-way at one point, but Karen just watched while Rita and Carla went to town on each other....points off for that. You can't have three girls in a girl-girl scene and only two of them get naked. Sorry.
Story: B. The story was decent enough, but nothing spectacular. It did the job it was asked to do, which was to exist in between the sex scenes. There were a couple of funny parts, such as when the three women were discussing strategy about what to do with Max. The way the girls were interacting with each other during this scene was unintentionally funny; it felt like dialogue straight out of an old alien sci-fi movie. I literally busted out laughing when Rita said, "We must kill Max" in a very deadpan way.
Overall: A-. I'm giving this movie an A- on the strength of the female performances and the comedy throughout the movie. If this movie didn't have the funny quotes in it, I probably would've given it a B+ or even an outright B. "Housewives From Another World" is a pretty funny flick, and I'm glad I was able to catch it on Cinemax this past Friday night. Skinemax and softcore fans should be happy with this one.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I just finished watching "Sexually Submissive" tonight, and I thought
this was a fairly solid softcore flick. Sure, the plot was kinda
standard, but the decent sex scenes somewhat make up for it.
We begin with three female friends: Naomi (Kaylani Lei), Viv (Jenaveve Jolie), and Courtney (Tiffany Taylor). Since Naomi is doing the narration, you know from the start that this story is basically about her. At the beginning, Naomi is with a guy named George (Tom Stone). George is good, clean, and wholesome--in short, a "nice guy." While George is a solid guy, Naomi longs for something else; something wild, something passionate, and she doesn't think she's gonna find it.
Courtney invites her friends and their significant others up to her vacation house for the weekend, thinking that spending the weekend together would be just the thing to get some passion going in George and Naomi's relationship. Little did she know that Naomi did indeed get some passion going--but not with George. You see, Naomi has something called the "Blake Standard." She compares every guy she's ever dated to Blake, who happens to be Courtney's husband. When she tells him this, he's flattered, but it also REALLY turns him on. Even though she keeps trying to tell herself it's wrong, Naomi ends up sneaking out to the pool and having sex with Blake later on that evening. Every chance they got, they slipped away to spend time together.
After the "magical weekend," Naomi began having second thoughts--not only about Blake, but about her relationship with George. She decides to break it off with George to become Blake's "other woman." "Lifetime makes movies about women like me," she narrates, and she's right. She just committed something of a cardinal sin--sleeping with her best friend's husband. Blake and Naomi play phone tag--and have phone sex--up until they regularly begin seeing each other again. Meanwhile, Courtney begins getting suspicious about her suddenly distant husband, and Viv cautiously observes what's going on, keeping a safe distance from things.
Later on, Naomi decides that Blake has to make a choice, and when he chooses Naomi, it forced her to make a choice--forever ruin her friendship with Courtney by running off with her husband, or try to end it before things really get serious? Guess which one she picks? After Courtney and Blake decide some space is best for their marriage, Naomi goes running up to the vacation house where Blake is now staying. They have sex again, of course, but this time they were seen photographed by an unseen person. When copies of the pictures appear on Naomi's doorstep soon afterward, she begins to panic. When Courtney tells her she hired a photographer to spy on her husband at the vacation house--and said photographer is coming over very soon to show Courtney the results--it basically forces Naomi's hand. Courtney can't bear opening the envelope, so she gives it to Naomi to open, giving Naomi one last choice. Open the envelope and let Courtney see the evidence first hand, or simply admit to what's been going on?
I'll admit, the story was a bit "Lifetime"-ish, but it stayed true to its softcore roots. Kaylani Lei, Jenaveve Jolie, and Tiffany Taylor--all three are porn stars by trade--gave the audience some decent sex scenes. None of them were outstanding, but several were fairly solid. Kaylani, who has carved out a second career for herself in these softcore outings, was good as Naomi, who was confused, yet desperate to find love and passion. Overall, I thought the sex scenes could've been spiced up just a little bit, but "Sexually Submissive" is a solid movie. I consider it tapeworthy.
Women: A- (Kaylani, Jenaveve, and Tiffany are all quality women who are great to look at. I believe this was Jenaveve's first softcore flick, and she wasn't too shabby in her supporting role as Viv. She didn't have a lot of lines and just one sex scene, but she was okay for the time she was there. Tiffany Taylor is cute, but that's about all I can say about her. Kaylani was her usual self, with a bit more drama this time. What Chloe was a few years ago, Kaylani is now--the hardcore porn girl who dabbles in softcore so much that she becomes a regular.)
Sex: B (The sex was good, but not great. In fact, a couple of scenes looked kind of pedestrian. Kaylani had the most scenes, but she was simply just OK.)
Story: A- (The story was a happy medium between "Lifetime Network Chick Flick" and "Cinemax After Dark Softcore." It had something for the ladies--a semi-dramatic plot, the test of true friendship, and a woman falling for her best friend's husband. However, it also had something for the guys--namely, porn stars getting naked. Call it a "couples" softcore movie if you will, but overall the script and plot were fairly good.)
Overall: A- (I thought "Sexually Submissive" should have been a B+ movie, but I gave it extra points for the nice pacing of the plot. It didn't rush things, but it didn't take forever to get the inevitable either. I think Kaylani Lei must really like doing late-night softcore films to be cast in so many of them over the past few years.)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
"Bare Naked Desires" is a rather unusual flick. How so, you ask? Well,
on top of the hot women and the great sex scenes, there was a
surprisingly good story. I didn't think the plot would be that good,
but it really was.
We begin with Misty (Kaylani Lei), a call girl working at a cathouse run by Tamiko (Mika Tan). Tamiko runs her house like a mini-dictatorship, making all the girls follow a strict set of rules: No boyfriends, no orgasms, no taking tips, etc. Misty is the top girl in the house and is making the most money. Tamiko does her best to keep Misty in line, however. "You aren't getting any ideas, are you?" Tamiko asks, sensing Misty may be thinking about starting her own house. Of course Misty denies it, but she really wants more....especially when she finds out the customers are paying $100,000 a year each in membership fees--which the girls don't see a dime of.
After she finds out about this, Misty quits and joins her "friend" Derek (Marcus Leland, aka Matt Dalpiaz) in opening The Red Geisha, a new house. The Red Geisha is the antithesis of Tamiko's house--no tyrannical rules, and the girls have the freedom to do what they want. This entices two more of Tamiko's former girls, Flower (Jasmine Byrne) and Ginger (Gianna Lynn) to join up. So far, so good, right? Well, this isn't sitting too well with Tamiko, who vows to fight back with her hired police contact, Norton. She asks him to send a little message to Misty, which results in the death of Ginger. Of course, that calls for retaliation from Misty. It becomes a nasty gang turf war of sorts, only the gangs are made up of hookers. Go figure.
The wild card in the fight is Willa, played by Nina Mercedez. She's an independent escort, and is the new girl in town. She used to work in Vegas with Misty, and just joined up with Tamiko's house. When she finds out how much cash Tamiko is raking in, she decides she wants a cut, or else tell the other girls how much money they're NOT getting. When Misty quits, Willa proclaims herself the top girl. Willa plays both sides, however, as she shows up on Misty's doorstep, saying she wants to join her. Willa is only out for Willa, as we find out later.
I will say this--the casting was outstanding. A nice mixture of Hispanic and Asian porn stars fill the female roles, something not usually seen in these kinds of flicks. Thumbs up for diversity. Kaylani Lei, who has done a few of these movies before, was pretty good as the protagonist Misty. Jasmine Byrne and Gianna Lynn were okay in their supporting roles as the naive call girls, but the heavy lifting was done by Mika Tan and Nina Mercedez--the "bad girls" of the movie. I haven't seen Mercedez in a hefty role like this in her previous softcore outings, but she was quite impressive. Mika Tan was believable in her role as well. All in all, I thought this film was pretty good. Definitely tapeworthy.
Women: A+ (Way to mix up the casting and use the Hispanic and Asian women exclusively. Usually there's only one of them each in a film. Jasmine and Gianna were fine in their small roles. Mercedez was very good as Willa. She's welcome to do more of these if she likes. Mika Tan was great as the domineering Tamiko. Kaylani Lei was good, but I know she can be great. I've seen it.)
Sex: A- (I would've liked to see a few more sex scenes out from Mercedez, but overall what I saw wasn't bad. It seemed that Gianna and Jasmine were in the film just to have sex scenes with each other.)
Story: A- (A solid story. It had killing, it had a couple of plot twists, and it left enough room for the women to get naked a couple of times each. Can't say anything bad about that.)
Overall: A- (I liked "Bare Naked Desires." It's one of the better flicks to come out of the MRG pipeline in a while. Mercedez surprised me with how good she was as Willa, as did Mika Tan as Tamiko. They showed some genuine acting ability. Not great by any means, but good enough for the genre. Good film overall.)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I've watched this film several times in the past week or so, and I
think "Stolen Sex Tapes" is a pretty good softcore flick. It had all
the elements of a decent made-for-TV drama, with enough sex in it to
keep the primary audience from changing the channel.
We begin with Kelsi Ballard (Sydnee Steele), a "newsbabe" in every sense of the word. She's much like the female news anchors populating the channels now--very pretty, very tan, incredibly attractive. In short, she's a news anchor who looks like a porn star--which is ironic, since she's being played by a porn star. She's the obvious star of Channel 6 News, even getting her own show-closing commentary every night. On top of all that, she's seeing a guy who happens to be running for a high-profile office in town--although that's being kept hush-hush for publicity purposes. An offer from a national network is just around the corner. She's destined for great things, and this is upsetting her producer, who has ambitions of his own.
Her producer concocts a scheme to bring her down to size. You see, Kelsi has a camera set up in her bedroom, which she uses to capture her various exploits with any guy she happens to bring up there, or herself if no one's around. He hires a man to break into her house and steal tapes of her having sex with her public-official boyfriend. Little did the thief know that he'd end up having sex with Kelsi himself, and now he's falling for her--and getting a conscience. After another awesome sexcapade with Kelsi, he spills the beans that he's been the one stealing the tapes.
The third act consists of Kelsi saving face, and her producer taking the only tape he has--a video of Kelsi masturbating--and turning it into a ratings bonanza. He tries to blackmail Kelsi into signing an agreement that he would become executive producer of any program she gets offered. Kelsi's having none of that! This calls for a final commentary from Kelsi, who leaves the set to a nice round of applause.
I was impressed by this film. I thought it would be the usual stuff--and it did have elements of that, don't get me wrong--but Sydnee Steele surprised me with her turn as sexy news anchor Kelsi.
Women: B+ (Sydnee is the primary actress here, and she's attractive, no doubt. The other women weren't bad to look at, either.)
Sex: B+ (Word to the wise--the "adult" version making the rounds on late-night cable is actually the edited "R" rated version in disguise. The sex scenes are far too short for this to be the uncut version. I recommend hunting down the unedited version. Sydnee Steele's talents as a porn star are displayed better there.)
Story: B (Solid story, although a bit formulaic. Sydnee's surprising acting ability was a pleasant diversion, though.)
Overall: B+ (Good, very good softcore flick. I'd recommend it. If Sydnee Steele ever wanted to do more of these, she's welcome to it. I'd certainly watch.)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I sat down to watch "Alabama Jones and the Busty Crusade" last night,
and I wasn't too impressed, to say the least. This flick gets high
marks for an impressive cast, but just about everything else was....not
We begin with three hot treasure hunters--Oklahoma Jones (Nikki Nova), Alabama Jones (Katie James, aka Angela Little), and California Jones (Cheyenne Silver). Yes, this is a loose spoof of those "Indiana Jones" action-adventure flicks, only with better looking women and sex.
Anyway, the ladies are on the hunt for an ancient relic. On their way there, Alabama Jones tells the story of two archaeologists who unsuccessfully made the trip before. Who were those two relic hunters? None other than Taimie Hannum and Amanda Auclair, aka Shyla--huge boobs and all. Wow, does she look great. A girl-girl sex scene follows of course, and a three-way girlfest follows that. You sort of see where this is going.
Later on, the girls get another assignment from an unusually gorgeous museum curator (Deanna Merryman), who strangely enough, doesn't look like any museum curator I've ever seen. They're now on a quest to find a mystic mango which has the power to turn women into sex slaves. Nice!
First, they encounter Luna (Aria Giovanni), a jungle girl with a fantastic figure. Yep, you guessed it...time for a lesbian lovefest. Soon afterward, they run into an old adventure-seeking dude with a fake beard who puts them through a hilarious question-and-answer sequence that was also in both Busty Cops movies. The questions were silly, and the responses were even sillier.
Once they get to the island, the girls run into Amelia Airhead (Kelle Marie), who crash landed there 70 years ago, but is still in fantastic shape. Time for another lesbian throwdown. By the time they finally get to the mango's location, the Queen of The Apes (Sunny Leone--yes, Sunny Leone) appears, and does a little topless dance. The movie ends with no real...ending, other than the girls getting naked yet again, which is always nice. If you like softcore comedies, this isn't that bad, but there are better ones out there, namely the first Busty Cops movie.
Now, on to the sex scenes. They were okay at best, but they were sort of slow and there wasn't too much movement. The two boy-girl encounters were nice, and Deanna Merryman has one hell of a body. The lesbian sequences were....mildly hot. The first one with Shyla and Taimie was okay, though. This movie is borderline tapeworthy, but I'd probably go with not taping it myself.
Women: A+ (This movie gets an A+ for the women, because of the cast. Nikki Nova, Katie James, Shyla, Taimie Hannum, Cheyenne Silver, Kelle Marie, Sunny Leone, Deanna Merryman, Aria Giovanni...damn, that's an impressive lineup. Kudos to the casting department there.)
Sex: C- (The sex scenes were much like the ones in those Seduction Cinema movies--the lesbian sequences were slow, which made them seem like they went on forever. Although there was gratuitous nudity--which I can appreciate--I need to see these women do something exciting on camera. Just running around in the water naked is nice, but it doesn't quite get the job done.)
Story: D (Let's be serious, this film didn't really have a story--just contrived situations to get the girls naked, much like Busty Cops. But Busty Cops was really funny, and this....wasn't. Don't get me wrong, it was funny at times, like the question-and-answer scene, and the dialogue between the Jones girls, but on the whole there wasn't enough to hold my interest between the nudity. Maybe if they were naked the whole time, I would've paid more attention. This is a Jim Wynorski flick, which means two things--plenty of boobs on display and solid softcore comedy. At least Jim delivered on one of these. The interview with the cast at the end was a nice touch.)
Overall: C- (Barely a passing grade, but the movie survives by delivering an impressive, smoking hot cast. Sunny Leone had no lines, but I can watch her dance, bounce and wiggle all day. Nikki Nova is becoming an old pro at these mindless softcore comedies. I'd like to see what she can do in one of Fred Olen Ray's bikini movies. As a silly spoof, "Alabama Jones" works...sort of. If you like softcore comedy, this might do the trick, but I'd probably go with one of the Busty Cops films before watching this.)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
If it isn't Fred Olen Ray pumping out the bikini movies, it's Jim
Wynorski giving us boobs on display. This is why I enjoy both of these
guys' work. They have an audience, and they know how to serve it. "Lust
Connection" is one of those movies. Using the same sets as "The Witches
Of Breastwick" (same boardroom, most of the same actors, same
house....it even uses the same hot tub Monique Parent had her three-way
in), Jim gives us what we want--big boobs on the cheap.
We begin with Rick (Frank Harper), a millionaire who made his money on the internet, and his trophy wife Susan (Glori-Anne Gilbert with her usual dyed blonde hairdo). Why do I say trophy wife? I don't know too many women who go to the grocery store on Wednesdays wearing a tight black top, jungle-print miniskirt and stripper heels. Anyway, Susan gives Rick just what she thinks he wants--a doting wife who has sex with him often--very often. A few minutes into the movie, Susan gets killed while having fun by herself in the hot tub. It was amusing watching Susan stretched out in the tub after she was killed, breasts floating above the water.
Enter Jenny, Susan's twin sister (also played by Glori-Anne Gilbert, only with dark curly hair). She's there to console her brother-in-law, who has been named the prime suspect in his wife's murder. The cop on the case, Detective Blake (B-movie veteran Jay Richardson) asks very probing questions to Rick about his whereabouts at the time Susan was killed. Over the next hour or so of the movie, he spills the beans about his various affairs with women he met while cruising the internet chat rooms.
This is where the storyline stops for a moment so we can bask in the glory of Julie K. Smith's breasts. They are so out of proportion to her body--they're amazing. She plays Sasha, the first of Rick's many flings. While Susan is out getting groceries, Sasha is getting ready to get busy with Rick--and makes Rick think of melons in the process. Hey, he's not the only one. After that, it's Jodie Moore, the Australian hottie with an exercise fetish--or at least she likes to have sex while exercising. What surprised me the most was the inclusion of Avy Scott and Chasey Lain--two very well-known porn stars. They didn't have to mess around with any silly acting--just say a few lines and get naked. Monique Parent was also in there, but her scene seemed like a "Witches Of Breastwick" outtake than anything else. It was nice to see her, though. There was also a scene with Rick having sex while blindfolded, and he didn't get the chance to see that it was Jenny he was having sex with. At this point, the movie basically gave away the ending.
Now, back to the story. Who did it? Well, since the various women Rick was sleeping with hadn't even met Susan, that leaves only two options. Either Rick did it or Jenny did it. Since Rick spent the better part of 70 minutes trying to prove he didn't do it, that leaves the obvious--Jenny did it. She's so in love with Rick that she was willing to kill her own sister to have him all to herself.
This movie had a great female cast, and the sex scenes weren't that bad. The story--well, let's be frank here. This movie was only 77 minutes long, which doesn't leave much time for storytelling when so many sex scenes have to be packed in there. At least the film ended like a "mystery thriller" should, so I won't take too many points off. I consider it borderline tapeworthy if you like any of the women involved.
Women: A (Let's see--Glori-Anne Gilbert, Julie Smith, Avy Scott, Jodie Moore, Chasey Lain, and Monique Parent--if only for a short time in a scene with no dialogue. Impressive casting here, that's all I can say.)
Sex: B (Solid sex scenes. I liked Julie's sex scene, and Avy's as well. The others were alright. Glori-Anne had three sex scenes in this film--four if you count the solo scene.)
Story: C (There wasn't a whole lot there to begin with, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that I would give this movie a low grade in this category. However, it followed the mystery thriller playbook fairly well and didn't end too cheesy--even if everyone knew how it would end 25 minutes before it actually happened. I'll give it a C here, but it's one of those "I don't want to see you anymore, so I'm passing you" kind of C's. This wasn't one of Jim Wynorski's better films, but maybe it's because he stretched himself too thin--being producer, writer, director, and Glori-Anne's assistant must've been lots of work. Then again, Glori-Anne played two roles and had time to be Best Girl. It's all in the credits, folks. I usually don't pay attention, but I thought they were funny this time.)
Overall: B (This movie gets a B on the strength of impressive casting and decent sex scenes. It probably deserves a B- or maybe even a C+, but Julie K. Smith's huge boobs can't be denied, folks. This is probably the weakest movie I've ever given a B to, but I'm a sucker for big boobs, and there were plenty of them on display here.)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Here's a little nugget of joy from Fred Olen Ray, the man behind the
bikini movie resurgence. The list is quite impressive-- "Bikini
Cavegirl", "Bikini Chain Gang", "Bikini Roundup", "Genie In A String
Bikini", "Bikini Escort Company", "Bikini Airways," and this addition
to the collection, "Bikini A-Go-Go."
We begin with Brad (Eric Warren) and Janet (Beverly Lynne), a couple that dresses in clothing straight out of the late 1950's--or maybe the early 1960's. Brad works at Bikini-A-Go-Go, a boutique that specializes in--well, bikinis. The two girls who work there, Cheryl (Cailey Taylor) and Karen (Stacy Burke) are hot, yet relatively brainless blondes who are there to look good and not much else. Meanwhile, Janet works at an office, and her boss is the obnoxious Mr. Rogers (Danny Pape), who's constantly trying to get into her pants. Janet's just not that kind of girl, mister! Well, at least not yet.
The antagonist of the story, Darvella (Nikki Fritz) has lost her magic tiki necklace. This necklace basically turns the wearer into a nymphomaniac.....which is why it's bad news when Brad gives Janet the necklace as an anniversary present. Don't blame him, he didn't know it was magical; he found it at the bottom of a box of Hawaiian shirts!
Like clockwork, Janet begins dressing sexier, and seems to get horny for no apparent reason. She begins exploring every dormant corner of her sexuality. First, it's a masturbation session while watching some porn on TV. Then, it's a quickie on the office desk with Mr. Rogers. Oh yeah, Janet can get down when she wants to.
Meanwhile, Darvella is on the hunt for her necklace. So, she sends her personal sex toy/muscleman Vargas (John Swipe) to look for it...but not before he takes Cheryl to the back of the store and gives her some "servicing."
This movie starts silly, stays silly, and ends even sillier. From the vintage wardrobe of Janet and Brad, to the "fatherly advice"-style narration from Jay Richardson, to the ending sequence that serves as an epilogue of sorts, this film is full of hilarity. Some of it was good, but some of it was pretty bad.
Let's talk about those sex scenes. It makes sense that the blondes--Cailey Taylor and Stacy Burke--have the best sex scenes. First with each other, then Cailey's scene in the stockroom of the store, then the big threeway with Beverly Lynne at the end. Beverly had a nice scene in the office, too. I wasn't a big fan of Nikki Fritz's first scene with Vargas--it didn't look like she was into it all that much and it dragged on a little too long.
I probably wouldn't consider this movie tapeworthy, but I've got it on tape so you won't have to.
Women: B+ (The "Women" grade is fairly high because of Beverly Lynne and those hot blondes, Cailey Taylor and Stacy Burke. Nikki Fritz is getting a little long in the tooth nowadays, but she's still got some looks--she just didn't look all that great in this film.)
Sex: C+ (A couple of standout scenes--namely the stockroom scene with John Swipe and Cailey Taylor, and the office sequence. The all-girl three-way wasn't bad. Nikki's sex scenes looked pretty flat.)
Story: C (Really, this film could do no better than a C in this category. It had some semblance of a plot--and for that it gets some points. However, the movie as a whole just wasn't that interesting outside of the sex scenes--and even those scenes were simply average. Maybe Fred wrote this film after all those other bikini movies and had used up the good material already.)
Overall: C+ (Slightly better than average. The attractive women save this film to an extent. This is a typical Fred Olen Ray movie, and that means there's a fair share of comedy. However, the jokes that made "Genie In A String Bikini" and "Bikini Roundup" funny just weren't there in this movie.)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Okay, I just finished watching "The Witches of Breastwick" and I gotta
say....I was impressed by the huge boobs on display, but the storyline
(what little of it) left a lot to be desired. Let's just say that
there's a reason 80% of the grade is based on the women and the sex.
We begin with David Carter (Matt Dalpiaz, a softcore regular), a man who has been having strange dreams lately--dreams of him tied up and seduced by three women with fairly big breasts. Yep, it's the kind of dream most men would really, REALLY like to have. Unfortunately, he doesn't (why??) and he goes to see a shrink about it. Dr. Richards (Jay Richardson, a softcore veteran) doesn't really help him all that much, but I'll tell you who really helped Dr. Richards--his assistant, played by Jodie Moore, a smokin' hot Aussie porn star. She does a little strip tease on top of the board room table, and it was quite a performance. She said nothing--she let her body do the talking.
Now, back to the story. In order to get the bottom of these dreams he's been having, he takes a drive out to the woods, accompanied by his wife Tiffany (played by B-movie supervixen Monique Parent, this time as a red-head). Of course, the Carters carve out a little time to have sex out in the open and they continue on until the car suddenly dies for no reason. Tiffany spots a house nearby, and since her cell phone is getting no reception, she decides to knock on the door and see what's up.
Who answers? A woman with dirty blonde hair and big boobs, wearing a tight white top and a denim mini-skirt. NICE. Oh....the woman's name is Lola, played by Julie K. Smith. It's nice to see she's still working. She gives the Carters some drugged up wine and persuades them to spend the night with her and her two friends, Felicia and Rebecca (Stormy and Glori-Anne Gilbert, respectively--right down to the big knockers).
For the next 45 minutes or so, the film manages to loosely wrap a story around various sex scenes involving the three ladies, David, and Tiffany. They throw in another woman named Holly (Taimie Hannum, a favorite from way back) who gives David some inside info as to who these women really are--they're witches, and they've put a spell on the Carters. Apparently, David is the descendant of a judge who sentenced a famous witch named LaCacanya to death (played briefly at the end by Antonia Dorian) and these witches want payback. Okay, I suppose.
The superfast and anticlimactic ending did plenty to lose the points, but the large breasts and sex scenes-a-plenty made up for the script's shortcomings. Therefore, I consider this film tapeworthy for those aspects alone.
Women: A+ (Yes, this flick gets an A+ in this category. Glori-Anne Gilbert, Stormy, and Julie Smith are three witches I'd love to be held captive by. What a trio; I was very impressed. Throwing in Taimie Hannum for a little while was a cool bonus, as well as getting Jodie Moore to strip down to nothing. Antonia Dorian's face was on the screen for about 2 seconds, so I can't really add her in to the rating--not that it would've mattered anyway. Did I mention Monique Parent is in this? Oh, I did? Then you understand why this category gets an A+.)
Sex: A (I liked the various sex scenes, although the music playing through them kept them from getting an A+. Big boobs bouncing everywhere, and Monique Parent unclothed is always fun to watch.)
Story: C- (Here's where the points come off. The ending really took the steam out of things--probably because it ended so quickly. Jim Wynorski wrote, produced, and directed this movie (don't pay attention to the names--it's all one guy. Jim, much like Fred Olen Ray, likes to use aliases) and this is not really one of his best efforts in this department. Where was the comedy? This is listed as a horror movie, but I really wasn't scared at all. 78 minutes doesn't leave a lot when it comes to fleshing out a decent storyline, and I wasn't expecting a tearjerker or anything, but at least give these characters something to do between sex scenes.)
Overall: B+ (I'm giving this movie a B+. Not a perfect grade, but enough to make my short list of "good" softcore films. The big boobs were a definite plus, as was the wise use of Monique Parent as the unassuming, yet horny-when-she-has-to-be wife.)
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