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Dawn of the Dead (2004)
SPOILERS, but who cares. Just another washed-out remake of a great horror film. Granted it had it's moments (like two) and it was an iota better than that fake Texas Chainsaw Massacre thing. It still blew. Too many characters, bad editing, bland zombies who weren't even in the mall until the last few minutes, no motorcycle gang, and the same shakey fake-snuff film look every "hardcore horror" movie seems to have these days. Enough with the remakes already. At least bad rip-offs don't drag great films down with them. Well, at least the new Willard was good.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Utter f***ing cockroach s***
*maybe spoilers, but who cares* Even as I write this I have to listen to Robert Palmer just to keep from tearing someone's throat out. This has to be the most ill-conceived film in decades. How could Hollywood forget why they invented remakes? You DO NOT remake a classic. It's a classic for a reason, BECAUSE THEY DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!! The purpose of a remake is to take a film that had potential but did not succeed. The original "Texas" more than succeeds at scaring the various bodily fluids out of you. The dinner scene. Just let that sink in for a minute. They weren't even cannibals in this one! Leatherface. Has. A. F***ing. Name. Yes, I know they called him Bubba in the second one, but that could just be a nickname. Not only that, YOU SEE HIS FACE!! They don't even make a big deal out of it, it just happens. There's just too much. I can't even type. And now they're planning to "reimagine" Christine, Suspiria, The Fog, The Howling, as well as countless others. Why? Why does every good film have to be raped like this. If there is some sort of powerful, all-knowing entity out there, I hope it will see fit to bury this...thing and halt all those other remakes before they have a chance to soil all of time. As has been said many times before: Watch the original. Horror films were not invented in 1996 teeny-boppers.
Slumber Party Massacre II (1987)
The Greatest Thing to Have Ever Existed in the World of the Universe!
This review is only about the last twenty minutes of the film (aka: THE GREATEST MOMENT IN CINEMA!). Granted, the first fifty minutes is just like any other film, but that is before the killer shows up. If they wanted to create some sort of sympathy for the characters they shouldn't have made the killer the coolest guy on the whole f***ing planet! Atanas Ilitch single-handedly makes this my favorite movie of all time. Sure he kills the annoying characters, but he does it with style. Everyone uses a butcher's knife or a chainsaw. Who else uses a demonic drill guitar? How many slashers dance before giving the thirty-year-old-teens an extra body cavity? Only Atanas Ilitch: The Driller Killer. BUY THIS MOVIE!
Batman & Robin (1997)
What the hell was this? Batman is the dark knight for God's sake! He shouldn't be prancing around in lighting that could effectively grow marijuana. To be fair, there was some serious potential here (minus Bane and Batgirl). Think about it: tensions grow between Batman and Robin. A family is being destroyed. Mr. Freeze has returned to Gotham, looking for his fataly ill wife. Poison Ivy senses the change in atmosphere, she senses the cold. Her happiness has been destroyed before and she will do anything in her power to counteract the coming winter. Here we have two people with the power to change nature. One driven by love. The other, by her contempt for human kind. They could have brought about the end of the world. BUT NO! The Schmucks at Warner wanted a movie that sold Happy Meals. They wanted the little brats of America to go to sleep choking down their eleven varients of Ninja Mongoose Batman! But that's another rant all together.
Batman Forever (1995)
In ancient Celtic mythology, there is a demon known as the Warschu. This creature has been told to eliminate the night. It fills the skys with gargantuan neon props and loud annoying music. It creates crude caricatures of the villages heros and legends and then sells countless action figures with their faces on them. Yes I'm being cynical! Tim Burton is a genius. He has created utopias for those of us who prefer the darker side of life. Well now our utopia has been ruined by you blood-sucking mainstream audiences! This movie is just a pacifier for you people who can't except reality!
Inspector Gadget (1999)
The film Dr. Forester didn't have the heart to beam onto the SOL
Let me get one thing straight from the start. I loved 'Inspector Gadget' as a kid. Since then I have had other interests, but I still remember it well. As many other reviewers have written, THIS IS NOT INSPECTOR GADGET! Also as you might have heard, you actually SEE Claw. When I was younger I was terrified of Dr. Claw. Now he's just the guy from 'My Best Friend's Wedding' with a metal hand. Although, sad as it sounds, Rupert Everett is the only cast member who looks like he's having fun. The special FX are pretty good, due in most part to Stan Winston Studios and Dream Quest Images ( it's interesting to see how far they've come since their 'Nightmare on Elm Street' days, if only in a better movie). There are some clever moments in here, but they could easily be fit into a comercial. It's very sad to hear Don Adams was in this. To me, he is the ONLY Inspector Gadget. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Disney is the most evil force on the planet.
Pokemon must be stopped!
All right, I am really sick of this whole pokemon craze. I saw the show once, and I have never watched it again,but it doesn't end there. Every store I go to, video game or grocery, there is pokemon. Every child under twelve (and sometimes quite older) is infected with this grotesque disease! And any time someone against pokemon speaks up (like gal-5, although I don't share their intense hatrad of animi) the fans attack like rabid wolverines, saying that person is racist and a demon. Well all I'd like to say is you people (not all of you) are taking this FAR too seriously. I wish I could say it were only a video game, but it is also a show, a movie, and if were not careful, a religion. So to all you crazed pokemon zealots out there, CALM DOWN!
Jack Triper, Venus Flytrap, and a sweet transvestite.
!WARNING! SPOILERS! When I read the novel by Stephen King, I fell in love. The people turned out to be more evil than Pennywise. The characters became your best friends. However, the book is not great. It has quit a few low points. Some of the scares in the book are forced and overblown. It seems Stephen King was trying to write a Godzilla movie. Now a competent director could have prevailed, but NO! We get stuck with Mr. Halloween 3 himself, Tommy Lee Wallace. The movie did have some good points(i.e: Tim Curry as Pennywise the Clown) but overall it comes across as a strained 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?' episode. The main flaw in both the book and film is they show far too much of IT. This really needs to be played as a phsycological horror. I'm sorry, I'm just ranting. 2 stars out of 5.
Jack of All Trades (2000)
Fox finally did something right!
Yesterday, I sat down to watch the series premier of "Jack of all Trades." I was expecting something in the tradition of "Hercules: the Legendary Journeys." I was wrong. Bruce Campbell has never been funnier. And I really enjoyed his boss, Angela Maria Dotchin. This is the first time in like six years since Bruce Campbell had his own series. I can't wait to see where it goes.
Contamination .7 (1993)
So this is the infamous Troll 3.
Yes you heared right. This is the third and (God help us) final entry into the Troll trilogy. But before I drone on about this film, let's review. Troll: A little girl is possessed by a troll and turns everyone in her apartment into foiliage. Troll 2: A little boy is pursued by GOBLINS! Not trolls. Troll 3 a.k.a. The Crawlers: A small town in Alaska (?!) is being wiped out by killer weeds. Do you notice something? No film has anything to do with the one that preceeded it. In most cases THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH TROLLS! Now on to The Crawlers. It's cheap, it's boring, it's stupid, it's fake, it's out of print (thank God), it's got to go. I have to move on now, I'm far too upset.