Reviews written by registered user
doughboy-5

8 reviews in total 
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8 out of 19 people found the following review useful:
The Worst Movie of All Time? Quite Possibly!!, 14 July 1999
1/10

For a guy normally as clever and witty as David E. Kelley, his offering in this piece of trash is quite surprising. I can think of nothing good to say about this film, except that it mercifully only lasted 75 minutes. A new Jaws? Hardly. This is not even a new Anaconda. What this is, is dreadful in the extreme. Let's see... A pair of Asian, fresh water 30 foot crocodiles, somehow manage to swim from Southeast Asia across the decidedly salty Pacific Ocean and then apparently walk across the United States where they end up in a lake in Maine, not called Lake Placid (despite the name of the film). Although lakes like this one freeze in the winter and although crocodiles are cold-blooded and cannot survive in cold water/weather, these guys thrive in the cold. Despite actual crocodiles which feed once or twice a month, these crocodiles eat constantly. They eat multiple men, cows, moose, bear-- all in a day or two. Imagine that! Throw in horrendous writing and acting and you have this film. Bridget Fonda stunk up the place with a throw away, unbelievable role as a paleontologist sent by a New York Museum to check out a tooth. Although a supposed expert in dinosaurs, this scientist never had been in the field and in fact was afraid of bugs and dirt. Good luck digging up bones in Wyoming! Bill Pullman was as wooden as ever and Oliver Platt was a fat buffoon who lambasted the local sheriff for no reason about, of all things, his weight. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Betty White was the worst part of this horrible film. A supposed animal activist in real life, who passed on As Good As It Gets, because of the cruel treatment of a dog in the film (throwing it down a trash shoot), White here utterly mistreats her cows by feeding them to the crocodiles. She also uses foul language and makes off-colored penis jokes. Save your time, save your money, and don't even watch this film when it appears on TNT next month!

8 out of 15 people found the following review useful:
Dreadful Exposition of Bodily Functions, 6 July 1999
1/10

What a colossal waste of time this piece of refuse was!! If you are interested in seeing every bodily function performed, this is your movie. Let's see... We had saliva, urine, vomit, bowel movements, and semen. We also had zero character development, juvenile plot exposition, and every, I mean every teen movie cliche imaginable. We had the Mrs. Robinson effect, the jock plays sensitive, the sex wagering, the ragging on nerds, the elitist scotch drinking teen, the bumbling parents, the drunken divorce, band nerds, etc. Come on Hollywood, this movie stunk. I am quite sure 13 and 14 years olds will love this stuff, but no one else should. Ignore those who think this is the best movie of the year or some classic throwback comedy. It is certainly not.

Sublime. By far the best cartoon I have ever seen!, 30 June 1999
9/10

I am not a South Park groupie. I have seen the show on several occasions and I have always found it amusing, but I was not prepared for the sheer hilarity of this film. It is brilliant. The film is like a comic, cartoon version of Les Miserables. Although the film is replete with profanity and crude humor, the levels, this most basic of animated feature, reaches is astounding. From racism re. Canada, to homosexual relations between Satan and Saddham Hussein in Hell, to musical production numbers, this is the best cartoon ever and one of the best films of the year. One caution, this film is absolutely not appropriate for young children, but you adults, open your minds and check it out. It will not disappoint.

2 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
Pudgy Travolta Lays A Big Fat Egg, 17 June 1999
2/10

I am sure that the average movie goers review of this film will be good, but that's too bad for them because this movie was atrocious. This is another in a long line of bad movies Hollywood keeps churning out. This movie was one big cliche. Senselessly and without explanation attack the local cop. Throw out one alleged tough guy line after another. Add some stock and underwhelming plot twists. In short, provide weak entertainment for the average movie-going idiot. Enough already enough. Where have the great movies gone? Why doesn't Hollywood put out a good product anymore? LA Confidential was excellent, why not follow suit? Are there no good screenwriters out there? Have they gone the way of starting pitching in baseball--to diluted? I know what you are thinking, "Enough ranting." Ok I'll stop, but do you get my point?

What was wrong with this picture, you say, let me see: Travolta cannot speak anymore. He sounds as if he has a mouthful of marbles at all times. There was nowhere near enough plot development. What exactly do Warrant Officers do? From where do they draw their power and how do they order officers around and continually mock them? Why is everyone afraid of these military cop types? What is Timothy Hutton's characters background? What was the nature of his relationship with the General's Daughter? What kind of relationship did Travolta and Stowe have/had? All questions with no real answers. This movie could have provided us an intelligent look into military detective work. It did not. We learned nothing about how military detectives ply their trade. Just how fat overrated 70's actors pontificate and throw their huge bulk around.

More unanswerable questions: Why did Travolta not immediately view all the sex tapes? Why did Travolta not immediately interview James Woods character? Why did they not interview the victim's family/friends instead of heading to some local bar? Why do the police need a warrant to search a dead person's home (their privacy interests end with their death). Why did it turn from night to day in one second during Travolta's inspection of the crime scene? What did Travolta's military ID spell sergeant wrong (SARG...)?

I know, enough already, enough. I couldn't agree more. Enough Hollywood, enough!

An entertaining but slow moving drama/comedy, 21 April 1999
7/10

John Cusack and Billy Bob Thornton display their wide ranging talents in this film about competing air traffic controllers. The film is at its best when we see these two fine actors hard at work and one upmanship. The film really hits home and makes we laymen truly understand the stresses and pressures of being air traffic controllers. Watching the daily rituals of these controllers is an eye opening experience and worth the price of admission. The film's major drawback is its pace. Although we see overt and not so overt competition between Thornton and Cusack throughout the film, the plot fails to keep up the pace of the controllers hectic jobs-- and that's what this movie really needs. The talents of Angelina Jolie and particularly Cate Blanchett are wasted in this movie. Jolie plays the weird wife of Thornton and we never truly understand the depth of their relationship. Blanchett plays a mildly bored, typical suburban New York housewife, a complete misuse of this fine actress. Overall, the film is a good, not great one.

Lost & Found (1999/I)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Mediocrity Revisited, 20 April 1999
2/10

My low expectations of this film were met admirably. I cannot tell if it is just me, but they do not seem to be making any comedies lately that are even remotely amusing. Time was that you go catch a comedy and be entertained. Stripes, Caddy Shack, Animal House, Blues Brothers, Airplane, Groundhog Day where have you gone (the way of Joe DiMaggio I fear). Clearly the makers of this latest piece of dribble are unfamiliar with the past and are, quite unfortunately, living in the present. This latest "masterwork" is just plain bad. A typical Saturday Night Live Alum offering. Spade offers 90 minutes of his not-so clever quips and mixes in some unrealistic romance with a woman who would not give Spade the time of day. Everything was telegraphed. There were no surprises. What we get is boy meets girl, boy does something stupid to woo girl (stealing her dog), boy competes with some arrogant stud for girl, and boy gets girl in the end. Add some stupid animal high-jinx and there you have it, a flat D minus.

1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
A very entertaining film, 9 April 1999
8/10

I saw this movie with limited expectations which were greatly exceeded. While the film started quite slowly, almost getting in the way of its own character development, in the end the pace of its early sequences mirror the pace of its small town Mississippi setting. Once the characters were set, the movie took off as Altman seamlessly weaved the plotlines together until all was resolved. Glenn Close plays a woman we all love to hate. Liv Tyler is wonderful as the seeming bad girl, who turns out to have a heart of gold. Charles Dutton is outstanding in the most well rounded roles of his varied career. An excellent film!

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Rage: The Feeling One Gets After Shelling Out Money For This Horrible Film!, 9 April 1999
2/10

Following up the 1970s classic horror film Carrie with this offering, is like Ford following the Mustang with the Edsel. This film was horrendous in every detail. It would have been titled Beverly Hill 90210 meets Mystery Science Theater 3000, but both of those shows far exceed this tripe. This film was scarcely a horror film. I timed about 3 minutes of gore and 90 minutes of lame high school hazing and ritual. Wow, what a surprise, Carrie's weird friend commits suicide! Wow, Carrie misconstrues her love interests affections! Wow, the in-crowd sets up Carrie! Wow, the jocks have a sexual scoring contest! What this film needed was way more action and far less tired teen cliches. This film is totally unviewable.