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Two and a Half Cheesesteaks for this Little Vamp Indie... ;=8)
Awlright, let's begin with the obvious: the lighting in this film is bad. Very bad. Distractingly and damagingly bad. But the MooCow can tell you, from his very brief experience with filming, lighting can be VERY tricky business, especially if you have a tight budget, or are an inexperienced DP. Of all the production elements needed to make a successful film, lighting and sound rank as arguably the moost important (aside from editing).
This ain't a Hollywood film, people. It ain't even close. But the MooCow has to clap his hooves in approval for this valiant effort.
The story (set in Philadelphia!!!) cowcerns a damaged man out to avenge the death of his wife by a cabal of vampires. He doesn't care for their politics, or their preening leader Wraithwood, or even their efforts to resurrect their slain sire: all he wants is to get even with Demetrius. A film about revenge, which just happens to include vampires.
This is a fairly simple story, conventionally told and earnestly acted, hamstrung primarily by lesser production values. But there is moore heart in this perky little indie than in moost of the pap that Hollybore craps out on a regular basis.
There are juicy bits of dialog; there is a pretty rockin' alt-rock score (including MySpace's Torsion from Philly!); and there are charismatic, believable performances from moost of the cast. Pacing is fairly smooth, and the film mooves along at a nice clip without bogging down anywhere in particular. The direction is focused, minimal, and neither shows off nor gets in the way. There are many good things to be said for this effort, clearly the best film on the bundled vampire DVD which the MooCow viewed "Lifeblood".
Some of the fight scenes were not very cowvincing. Nor were some of the FX. And the wigger-guy, MD: pretty lame. And some of the special effects are, well...special. But no matter. This cow was willing to suspend belief and forgive some of these minor flaws to enjoy the overall film, and the MooCow hopes you will too.
Its a new day out there, people. Advances in technology have leveled the playing field for a lot of people out there who would rather make their own films than wait for Hollybore to maybe make something not completely ralfable. Independent film should be encouraged and supported whenever possible. And while this may not be on the level of, say, "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera", or "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter", nonetheless the MooCow can tell you there are far, far worse vampire vehicles out there, ready to sop up your hard-earned weregeld.
So grab a Philly blunt, a cheese steak (chicken, of course!), a couple of soft pretzels, and enjoy the film! :=8D
Hard Rock Zombies (1985)
Worst Rock n Roll Zombie Moovie Ever?? Prob'ly!! ;=8)
The tepid, dreadful zombie flick scrapes the bottom of the barrel, in a way that is truly insulting to barrels. Every possible cliché is driven home with all the subtlety of a steam hammer; every aspect of professional production is gleefully shredded by the intense non-talent in this film. BUT... You simply have to see it. A mess beyond all messes.
Oh, and stink-fans, your boy Sam Mann, from the equally-wretched "Roller Blade", is in this too (as the 'drummer'). In fact, our boy Mann was in several Donald G. Jaclson stinkers, moostly of the Roller Blade variety. Now he's in this pile of cow pooo too - isn't life sweet???
Lang nu bai mo (1982)
Where oh where can I get my hooves on a copy??? :
It has been many, many moons since the MooCow laid his astounded eyes upon the opus known as "Wolfen Ninja", but it is an experience not likely to be forgotten. :=8)
Like many of us who grew up in the 60's and 70's, I can remember seeing this amazing film during one of the many Kung Fu Double Features that played on our local tv station(before cable was all the rage) - Channel 48, out of Moo Jersey, I believe. This one had a girl who was abandoned at birth, only to be brought up by a pack of dogs/wolves, who developes her own "special" brand of kung fu. She barked, lapped up water, dressed in furs, and (god as my witness) had a stuffed dog tied around her head, no doubt to remind us of her wolven-cownection. I distinctly remember laughing uproariously throughout the entire film. I would be one happy MooCow if I cud only get my hooves on a copy. It is probably udder some secondary title, but it has proven harder to find than the Holy Grail. Suffice to say, anyone who loves silly kung fu moovies, or stinkers in general, need to see this flick. It's right up there with "Drunken Wu Tang", "Flying Guiletine", and "For Your Height Only".
Tepid T&A Turkey is Tacky... :=8P
Lucky, lucky you. You don't have to face real evil every day, the sort of hair-raising, bile-churning, hell-on-earth foulness that the MooCow faces every day of his unimaginably heroic life. But that's why the MooCow is here: to watch terrible, awful, horribly stinky moovies, so you don't have to.
And you definitely don't have to watch this dead turkey. In which several nerds, nekkid chicks, and sorority bimbos release a rubber midget from a bowling trophy in a deserted bowling alley. The rubber midget talks like Superfly Pimpdaddy, grants a couple of mild wishes, which promptly turn sour, and then turns the sorority bimbos into killer demons with lots of eye shadow. Not exactly Shakespeare, but who cares, it should be a lot of fun, right?? Wrong-o, boy wonder! :=8P The simple fact is that this cheeser is a major snore. I know, I know, it's gotta great title that makes it sound like one of those classic cheesers that the wacky guys at Troma like to throw our way every now and then. The MooCow is also aware of, and appreciates, the fact that this stinker employs the ample talents of a troika of classic T&A jigglers, including Linnea Quigley("Graduation Day", "Creepozoids", "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers"), Brinke Stevens("Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity", "Slumber Party Massacre", "Bad Girls from Mars"), and Michelle Bauer("Roller Blade", "Night of the Living Babes", "Beverly Hills Vamps"). Believe the MooCow when he says there should have been a LOT MOORE udder action here... In fact, the acting is drab(particularly by the nerds), the sound is lousy, the lighting is dim(a strobe would have been moore illuminating), the fx are total cheese wiz(did they steal that rubber midget from "Roller Blade"??), the editing choppy and headache-inducing, the direction stale and lifeless. There is sooo mooch negative energy from the non-action in this film that you cud conceivably power several titanic black holes, and still have enough to run yer quasinart on puree. Director David DeCoteau has producer/directed far moore palatable cheese before("Assault of the Killer Bimbos", "Trancers II", and "Beach Babes from Beyond"), and he makes the inexcusable error of turning a spicy teen-exploitation T&A jigglefest into boring, watery treacle. Very little happens between scenes of the jigglers and the "demons" - this is one moovie that cud have sorely used Eddie Deezen, and that about says it all! Don't say you weren't warned! The MooCow says definitely don't judge this video by it's title, and the chance of some nekkid flesh, 'cause this one is a gutterball. :=8P
Heh??? I'm really cowfused... :=8/
Ok, just what heck in the dingdongheckamadoodle is going on in this flick??? :=8/ Well, a loser is convinced by his shrink, who happens to be a psychopath, that HE is the psychopath responsible for killing families, so he runs off to a mystical place from his dreams and falls in with a group of vague, ugly mootants. Then the hicks come and it's a turkey-shoot, then everything goes boom. This moovie is totally incoherent. I have no idea what's taking place on screen, and I sure as heck can't figure out why. First off: The Nightbreed - what exactly are they? Are they lycanthropes(shape-changers, like werewolves)? Are they undead(like vampires)?? Are they undead lycanthropes??? If they are undead, why do guns "kill" them? If they're not, WHY DEW YEW HAVE TO DIE TO BECOME ONE???? DOH!! DOH!! DOH!!
Why are they all living in a cemetary?? Why does it have a name(Midian)??? In the beginning of the film they talk about Midian as if it were in some kind of dream, yet Boon(Graig Schaffer, "Hellraiser V", "Death Wore a Skirt", "Voyage of the Rock Aliens") finds it after about 5 seconds of driving. Why does everyone(ie: useless support characters) seem to know who/what they are, but not the audience? If they are monsters, why can't they defend themselves? Why dew they let a bunch of Canadian hicks shoot them?? The whole herd just about tore the spots off their backs trying to figure out this one. :=8/ Talk about bland: Craig Schaffer(Boon), Anne Bobby(Lori, "Mad About You" tv series), and the venerable David Cronenberg(sickie Canadian director, "Crash", Videodrome", "Naked Lunch") are 3 of the blandest actors I've seen trying to carry a horror film. Bobby has about as much charisma as a burst yam. Cronenberg, in front of the camera for once, has the only interesting character, but acts as if he phoned in the lines - back to the director's chair fer you, David, and stay there! :=8/ Too many stupid things happen in this film to recount, but the worst may be the Everything Blows Up finale(a la Jerry Bruckheimer); I guess the graveyard moost have been built on some kind of underground petrolium processing station because EVERYTHING blows up - I mean, dirt, stone, mouldering coffins, and ugly mootants usually don't explode for no reason. Blame everything on Clive Barker, the British horror writer who gave us the Hellraiser and Candyman flicks. Actually, the novella from which this film was ripped, kicking and screaming, is pretty good("Cabal"), and makes a lot moore sense than this monstrosity. But Barker wrote the script & directed this catastrophe all by himself, so all the cow pies can be directed at him. Ridiculous, stupid, and terrible. The MooCow says read the book, bury the moovie. :=8P
L'uomo puma (1980)
The Amazing Adventures of "Silly-Costumed Hopping Guy"!!! :=8P
R u old enough to remember an incredibly stupid, cheap, and silly tv show from the early 80's called "Greatest American Hero"? Well...THIS IS WORSE!!! :=8P Geeky, spindly dork in a cheap costume flies about a rear-projection sound stage, to home-made casio-disco moosic, defeating a leathery-looking Donald Pleasance("Halloween", "You Only Live Twice", "THX 1138") who has stolen a cheap gold foil mask to brainwash the world through plastic heads with wires. That about covers it. :=8P Words simply cannot convey the jaw-dropping cheapness and absurd stupidity of this awful Italian import that's cheesier than a cat covered in parmesan. Walter George Alton(who???) plays Puma Man, easily the worst, lamest, saddest "super-hero" ever filmed. These are his "super powers": He floats awkwardly through a rear-projection set at around 3 miles an hour via a string tied to his narrow butt; with the aforementioned string, he hops about like some demented, fur-less rabbit; his fingers are claws that can rend aluminum and paper-mache bricks; he can sort of "walk" off the scene(off camera) and appear magically someplace else(somewhere else on-camera again); his awesome "puma vision" allows him to see everything in bright red. The MooCow dares you not to laugh yer fool head off upon viewing any one of these so-called "powers", especially the oh-so-realistic flight. But our hero is not alone. Square-headed Vidinio, an "Aztec" high priest who cowmoonicates with the gods(space aliens), and tosses people out of windows & demands they try on belts just for kicks, is our would-be hero's ally/side-kick/teacher. It is he who teaches Puma Man the powerful super secret Puma Man mantra which harnesses the powers of the cosmos for Puma Man: "Every man is a god, every man is free". Sydne Rome plays Jane Dobson, a useless blonde twit of a love-interest. Poor Donald Pleasance has to try and act menacing while hiding behind an aluminum foil mask painted gold. All of these cosmic forces collide in "Puma Man", resulting in easily the feeblest fantasy flick this cow has seen since "Jack Frost"(Mazorko). Dew watch the MST3K version of this fiasco; dew tie strong ropes around your sides to assist them from splitting open with laughter, you will need them. Basically, the MooCow says if yer looking for easy laughs, then this is the flick fer you, 'cause this Puma is a PHEW-ma, man! ;=8)
The Headless Eyes (1971)
Egad! Where the Heck Did This Come From?? :=8/
Dreadful, awful, terrible, and horrible - one simply runs out of adjectives when describing this cheap, excretable, incredibly bad 70's horror flick. Shot in the Frank Henenlotter("Basket Case")school of nasty, sleazy, ugly horror-wanna-be flicks, believe the MooCow when he says yer gonna need at least 37 showers after viewing this one - "The Headless Eyes" doesn't just stink, it REEKS! Yep, you can really smell the back-ally urine stains coming off this one. It opens like some kind of pathetic snuff film, where this moron starving artist(Bo Brundin)steals a couple of coins from the empty purse of some ditz. She screams, they struggle, and she puts his eye out with a spoon - or so they would us believe. A Laughably cheap and pathetic plastic eye is glued to his closed eyelid, in the dimmest possible hope of suggesting gore and violence. Mooore fake blood and plastic eyes are to follow, as the film(and that's being charitable, folks...)descends quickly into a weary, dreary catalogue of incredibly stupid victims getting "murdered", while Brundin cackles hopelessly & fondles moore plastic eyes in red paint. You think Shatner over-acts?? You ain't seen nuthin' yet, friends! Brundin is so incredibly over-the-top and stupid that his performance goes beyond comprehension. So, what did "Director" Kent Bateman tell him, "go out there and act like the stupidest possible moron you can"??? Mission accomplished!! And let's face it, this film had no director, or editor, or crew. I think random bits of mouldering film stock were left in a closet, like some old, slimey, bacterial cheese spread, and then mootated into this laughable disaster. By the way, Kent Bateman is the father of Justine Bateman, prooving once and for all that the "no possible talent whatsoever" gene can be passed from generation to generation. One of this film's producers(yeah, right...) is Henri Pachard(here as Ronald Sullivan), known moore for his sweet, sentimental porno flicks(like "Jane Bond Meets Thunderthighs", and "Obey Me B**ch, I-IV"). Yes, folks, this is "Manos" for the 70's, they don't come mooch worse than this(except "Guru The Mad Monk"!!). The MooCow says if you reaaalllly wanna erase someone's brain beyond the hope of any cure, this is the flick to do it. Good luck! :=8/
The Clonus Horror (1979)
Not a Horror Story...Unless They Cloned Cows... ;=8)
SLOOOOOOOW, tepid, poorly produced 70's schlocker made moore cowvincing because of today's headlines; nonetheless, this film is worthy stink-fodder because of uncowvincing acting, absent direction, and silly 70's clothing(sadly, the MooCow remembers when Adidas clothing was all the rage...). This has the same sort of feel to it that some better 70's sci-fi moovies accowmplished, namely "WestWorld" and "Logan's Run". While the premise interesting(rich people clone themselves to keep a ready supply of body parts to keep them alive theoretically forever), the film makes the mistake of saddling us with Richard(Tim Donnelly), a clone who is at once both boring and irritating. Hollow acting by Donnelly doesn't help, but fits right in with the rest of the cast. Even such B-illuminaries as Dick Sargent("Bewitched" tv series, "Ghost with 1,000,000 Eyes), Keenan Wynn("Dr. Strangelove", "The Dark", "Laserblast"), and Peter Graves("Beginning of the End", "Killers from Space", "It Conquered the World")provide only the moost tepid performances. Produced, directed, and edited by a bunch of nobodies, it's no surprise that "Clonus" fails to horrify anyone in the least, much less keep anyone's attention! Truth be told, there's nothing in the feeble flick that even schlock-fans would love - wanna see some realllly bad, funny 70's films, put on anything by Greydon Clark. "Clonus" is no bonus; the MooCow says even the MST3K-version is a yawner, so proceed at yer own risk! :=8P
Robot Monster (1953)
Before "Manos", Before "Plan 9", There was This... :=8P
Woohoo!! To say the "Robot Monster" is the grand-daddy of all stinky moovies does not give it justice enough. For it is with Phil Tucker's("Cape Canaveral Monsters)epic failure that the true genre of stinky films come to fruition. And what smell fruit it is!! The MooCow can cowtribute little to the reams of writing which already discusses Tucker's monstrosity, but some details are worth noting again and again. The inexcusably cheap and laughable props and fx include a bubble machine, stock-footage "giant" lizards, and a guy in an ape suit with a diving helmet on(George Barrows, "Mesa of Lost Women, "Ghost in the Invisible Bikini", "Hillbillies in a Haunted House"). Yes, Ro-Man is quite the terrifying monster; few scenes can match the intense, overall hilarity of watching his pudgy, fuzzy form amble to and fro amongst the rocks, or watching him flap his furry arms menacingly. And what the heck is going on with these stock-footage "giant" reptiles that show up every now and then, whether the plot calls for them or not? For stinky moovie buffs, these are the same fake critters that show up in "The Mole People", "The Lost World", and about a thousand udder cheap stinkers. Cowever, NO ONE else has that bubble machine - what a terrifying device of horror!! LOL :
In addition to the poorest possible production values, "Robot Monster" is also blessed with wretched performances, scatter-brained direction, and jaw-dropping dialogue("You look like a pooped-out pinwheel"/ "Now I will kill you", "Is there a choice between a painless surrender-death, or the horror of resistance-death?"). When the critics lambasted his pitiful attempt at film-making, Director/Producer Tucker tried to cowmit suicide. Not even Ed Wood made a film as poor as "Robot Monster"(although "Glen or Glenda" comes purty darn close!). Stinky trivia fans should note that Writer Wyott Ordung also wrote "Target Earth", and acted in "Monster from the Ocean Floor". No kidding, guys, this film absolutely MOOST be seen to be believed, and the MooCow heartily recowmends that all stinky moovie fans have a copy of "Robot Monster" in their stinky cowlections. Try to avoid the 3D version, which interrupts the flow of stink with headache-inducing, poor 3D effects. The MooCow's favorite scene shows Ro-Man clumsily discovering that he's in love with "Ahh-lice", and spouting out his moost famous lines: "Yes, to be like the Hu-man, to laugh and feel and want! Why are these things not in The Plan?" The MooCow also loves worthless Claudia Barrett(as "Ahh-lice"), who gets picked up and carried around by everyone so often she should have handles grafted onto her hips. They don't make 'em like this anymoore!! The MooCow says get yer hooves on a copy of "Robot Monster" now, and watch out for those bubbles!!! ;=8)
The Projected Man (1966)
Oh, um excuse me, sorry, fell asleep there for a mooment. Now where was I? Oh yes, "The Projected Man", yes... ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... <=8.
Ooops, sorry. Yes, "The Projected Man". Well, it's a British sci-fi yawnfest about nothing. Some orange-headed guy projects himself on a laser, gets the touch of death. At last he vanishes, the end. Actually, the film's not even that interesting. Dull, droning, starchy, stiff, and back-breakingly boring, "The Projected Man" is 77 solid minutes of nothing, starring nobody. Dull as dishwater. Dull as doorknob dust. Dull as Ethan Hawke - we're talking really DULL here, people! But wait, in respect to our dull cousins from across the puddle, the MooCow will now do a proper review for "The Projected Man":