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Creep - Crap
British horror film about a socialite trapped in the London subway system, being stalked by "something in the dark."
*** SPOILERS AHEAD ***
This film may might as well be known as "CLICHE" as it follows almost every single one in the B-movie Horror Book, leaving the audience to ask:
* Why does the killer stalk her for 90 minutes, yet kill everyone else on sight? No explanation.
* Why - after stabbing the killer in the face with a heel releasing a big spear that he's holding - does she not pick up said spear and stab the bugger to death?
* Why does she let her friend get skewered through the head while she stands there with a big machete in her hand?
* How come the killer - bone-seeing skinny - struggles to pull a corpse, yet can lift a man up by the head for several seconds and then break his neck in mid-air.
There are many more but these things and clichés are never explained, maybe that was the director's intention? Only he knows. The film lacks originality altogether - except in the scene where a homeless girl gets speared between the legs, only ever seen John Holmes do that!!
Creep plays like an extended version of the train scene in the slightly better "Mimic". We don't care - or know - about any character, hence we prefer everyone to die. The killer has been seen before, a kind of bastard off-spring of Nosferatu, The Reapers from "Blade 2" and the inbreds from "Wrong Turn".
Every year US studios churn out rubbish horrors in the vein of "Creep". This is a British version and boy should we know better! Maybe it should have been called "Crap!". 2/10
High on shocks, low on plot but miles better than any silly US "teen" "horror".
Ju-On: The Grudge follows in the steps of Ringu, The Eye, and Dark Water as another Japanese psychological horror film to hit Western shores (and to be remade (badly) by Hollywood). This is actually the downfall of this film. It follows the same scare tactics as it's predecessors and sums up to be nothing new - white powder make-up ghosts - check - long-haired scary females - check - set-piece in a lift - check. If this had been here first, it would have been so much more effective.
Contrary to belief these films do not employ jump-out your seat scares, more "Oh, sh*t, what the f**k is that" kinda chills, and this is where The Grudge works. Basically its 90 minutes of set-piece scares and offers nothing in the way of plot or sense, but these scenes are well-thought out and effectively handled.
A lot of people don't know that this is the 3rd film in a series of 4 (the first two were DTV), so like most horror sequels the plot and characterisation is done and dusted in the first film, and regurgitated (in most cases puked) again in the following sequels. This is, per say, like the 3rd Nightmare or Friday 13th film.
However Ju-On 3 is much better than all Freddy or Jason sequels and any silly "teen horror" film Hollywood regurgitates, employing real horror and atmosphere. It also works as a great introduction to Japanese horror for any people unaware of its impact.
6 pints out of 10.
The Locals (2003)
What's the lighting all about Sport?
A classic case of a film pitched on its twist and nothing else. Did the producers actually read the script. The surprise turn of events 2/3 thru the movie is so obvious (check out the subtle use of make-up) that none of the viewers care anyway. Add in some truly shocking lighting (I never knew the moon was so bright), a duff script and some shoddy acting, most notably from "the locals", and you have a really bad film.
I cannot believe my local Blockbuster stocks titles like this (and Boa Vs Python) and not The Grudge (Japanese Version) or Bus 174. According to the video clerk I live in a town where people want to watch films and not read them! How stupid.
1 out of 5 for The Locals / 0 out of 5 for Blockbuster!
American Pie 2 (2001)
A solid sequel that surprisingly develops the characters further.
After the amazing success of the (basically) low-budget original it was obvious another slice of the pie would be on the way. With gross-out comedies dying out quicker than Afghans civilians (the first Pie started the trend again) this film was under pressure. However it's safe to say, while nothing new, AP2 is absolutely hilarious.
The gang of four are re-united after their first year at college. To add sparkle to their summer, the boys become five with the addition of Stifler (Seann W. Scott) and rent a beach house for the summer. Ensuing gross-out set pieces occur climaxing in an end-of-summer party. AP2 raises the sick bar set by the original, involving scenes with urine, glue, lesbians, and a trumpet!
After the introduction of a massive cast in the original it was obvious some characters would be shoved to the background. Vicky, Nadia, and most notably Oz and Heather have extended cameos, and rightly so as these are the weaker characters. Band camp geek Michelle's role is much more involved, and grateful too as Alyson Hannigan who plays her is one of the top rising stars of today. Also Jason Biggs' Jim is brought forward and is in almost every scene, and when he and Hannigan are together it's wonderful to watch.
AP2 would probably have been average hokum without the amazing Seann W Scott, as Stifler he steals every scene he's in (he has a helluva lot more than the first) and his frank language will have you in stitches. It's just a shame he is so annoying in the third film.
The jewel in the AP films crown however is screenwriter Adam Herz. He has created some excellent characters that we actually care for, and unlike most cash-in sequels he develops the lead characters even further.
4 Beers out of 5 (shame about AP3, a terrible film).
What's Not To Like?!
One of the funniest and sickest films ever made, this will never be topped for gore content.
Hundreds of limbs chopped off. Torsos cut in half and still walking. Zombie intestines!? Mutant kid. A karate limb removing priest. Custard drooling out of people's necks. Zombies eating their own ears. And to top it off, your uber-giant zombie mum complete with massive boobs!
What's not to like?!
This film will have you in tears, it's brilliant. Just when you've seen a really sick scene, another one comes along and tops it. Big Pete must have done some blagging to get the LOTR gig!
This film definitely gets 10 pints out of 10!
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Fans won't be disappointed
After years of this concept floating around and hundreds of dumb scripts being turned down by New Line, The Claw Vs The Machete film is here, and it doesn't disappoint.
Probably the reason it took so long to find the right script was down to its core concept - "How do you connect Freddy's story with Jason's." In an excellently edited 10 minute opening sequence we learn that after Freddy's demise, the people of Elm Street have forgotten about him. So he searches the realms of Hell to find someone who will make the people remember. Under the guise of Jason's mother he awakens the Crystal Lake slasher and orders him to Elm Street to murder its youngsters therefore making them remember the child killer. Only then will Freddy have the power to leap into their dreams and once again kill.
However, Jason gets a bit too killer-friendly, angering Freddy. This leads to the battle of the title, and that's basically the plot.
The cast is stereotypical. Obviously you have your leading lady, the love interest and numerous 1 dimensional victims, who try and stop the two killers. Apart from some gratuitous breasts, Brendan Fletcher is the only real standout, his part mostly there for exposition purposes.
The film is not scary one bit but is very funny and has some decent kills. When Freddy and Jason do battle, it reminded me of an MTV Celebrity Deathmatch contest. Its extremely passable and leads to a smart ending that sums up the film.
For the genre it gets 8 pints out of 10!
Camp Blood 2 (2000)
Tent-tastic. No, not really.
Holy bajesus, what a shambles of a movie. However if you're reading these comments you've probably already seen it. Why on earth would anyone want to look up a review of a film called Camp Blood 2 with a clown on the cover before renting it? No-one.
Anyway it's all about a killer clown stalking ZZZ-list actors who are... Yawn... Blah... Blah.
The friend who chose this film to watch on a boring Sunday night was promptly stoned to death after viewing.
However I did cry myself laughing at one moment, and the scene probably sums up most of these movies. A character is set on fire and has two choices - A) Dive into the water only 2 feet away, or B) Run into a tent and blow up. Seriously, that's what happens.
I didn't know tents came with free land mines!
Kung Phooey! (2003)
Neat Script, Terrible Terrible Acting
To be honest there has not been a good spoof film since Hot Shots/Naked Guns were made. Kung-Pow was so-so if you watched it with a cargo. The Scary Movies have been so average. Kung Phoey is just plain terrible.
Good points first, sorry good poinT first. The script is actually quite good, not sure on the plot but the dialogue is quite funny.
However (bad poinT), in most film reviews (magazines), far too often actors get of lightly if the film is really bad. Most of the blame falls on a rubbish script or poor direction. Not so in Kung Phoey's case, the problem lies in the acting is downright amateur. Worse than that, the neighbours could do a better job. Every single cast member has the comic timing of a nuclear explosion at Xmas, they are so bad. The film, hence, becomes so bad it's not funny, just badddddd!
In the hands of adequate comic actors this could have been a small hit but in the hands o amateurs is downright poop!
Agent Red (2000)
Where do I start?
How bad is this film? VERY! I don't know where to start... well I do. Expectations were low from the opening credits listing (no not just because Dolph Lundgren was top billing) but a guy with one of the worst names in the business - Randolph Mantooth - was SECOND billing, obviously I wasn't expecting much. The love interest role fell to a woman who looked like she would be more comfortable in a porn film, add to that:
1) Some very bad acting (mostly from big Dolph) 2) A totally rubbish villain 3) Offensive Russian accents 4) straight-to-TV plot 5) Some cheesy sex-related one-liners that are disgusting and offensive
then you have one really, really bad movie. Just when you thought Dolph couldn't stoop any lower he does. In fact Dolph sums it up himself with a line from the film - asked if he knew what Agent Red was he replies "sounds like a bad action movie", boy was he ever right!
Shi di chu ma (1980)
Highly enjoyable action comedy!
Jackie Chan's directorial debut is a highly enjoyable action comedy. The film uses comedy more than action, although when Chan mixes the comedy in with the action, it is very effective - pure nonsense and child-like but very funny in places. The storyline is basically set-pieces to show off the fighters skills, and physique especially our man Chan. Highlights include a hilarious scene involving Chan and two bank robbers, a fight with a wooden stool against "little brother" Yuen Baio, and an end fight scene with a new Hwang Jang Lee, this fight however is too long, and relies on the comedy too much. Like all early Chinese films the ending is rapped up very rapidly. Still, there is much to enjoy here, and is a must-see for Jackie Chan fans. ***/*****