Reviews written by registered user

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30 reviews in total 
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I weep, 1 November 2000

I weep for the cast of Family Matters, who have besmirched their lives by taking part in this horrible drivel. I weep for the writers, who, should they be shameless enough, to include this show on their resume, will ruin their careers forever. I weep for the English language, which, God willing, will someday recover from the wretched blemish of the word "Urkel." I weep for the countless children who watched this show and laughed; it's a human tragedy. Above all, I weep for God. Having seen Family Matters, I know that He does not exist.

2 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Great movie, killer soundtrack, 10 January 2000

This is, as you have read a number of times already in these user comments, the best Elvis movie. It is Elvis' best acting performance, and a great story, mindful of "Rebel without a Cause" in some points. Moreover, it is beautifully photographed and directed by the great Mr. Curtiz. And the songs! "King Creole," "Hard Headed Woman," and, my favorite, "Crawfish," which is one of Elvis' best vocals. What else is there?

Uncle Meat (1987) (V)
1 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Weird., 3 December 1999

There is nothing else that can be said about this movie. Weird. The scary part is that Zappa wasn't on drugs when he made this movie...he wasn't on drugs ever. But God. Highlights include the ingenue lead beating drummer Aynsley Dunbar with a toilet brush (at his request) in the grocery store, and Don Preston turning into a monster (which essentially translates into "making a strange face.") And really, was full frontal nudity of this man really necessary? One scene in the movie has Zappa gathering cast and crew together to deliver some bad news: "the movie's got a plot." You'd never be able to tell this from watching it. Other than a conglomeration of truly weird sexual activities, that is. If you go buy the album, you will find that nearly all of the film's dialogue is on the disc: it won't make any more sense, whether you hear the disc or watch the film. Promise.

1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Dear God, why?, 3 December 1999

The movie has two nice things about it: 1) it's always nice to see George Burns; and 2) the colors are pretty. That about covers it.

The film's soundtrack album is pretty much universally held to be the worst rock album in history, and the fact that those songs are in this movie is enough to destroy it. They are so bad, they are not even campy. Less the "Plan 9 from Outer Space" of rock music than the, say, "Postman." Not so bad they're good, so bad they're just...horrible. And they are the focal point of this dialogue-less movie (except for Burns, of course, who turns in a version of "Fixing A Hole" that is unforgivable). So! To review: George Burns--you can find him in any number of places. Colors--not too hard to come by these days. There is no other reason to see this movie. And seeing it for the songs is the absolute worst reason that there could possibly be to see it.

Titanic (1997)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
No. That's all. Just... No., 10 November 1999

Titanic wins many awards in my book. Worst Script of 1997, for starters. Then there's Worst Overacting (Billy Zane), Worst Underacting (Leonardo DiCaprio), Worst Song ("My Heart Will Go On"--if only Celine Dion had gone down with the ship) and probably more. That's just scratching the surface on how disgusted I was with this movie. Particularly the script. Why can't Jim Cameron just stick with the technical stuff he's so brilliant at? Who told that clown he could write? Moreover, who told him he could write dialogue? I hope and pray, for the sake of the legacy we bring our descendants, that this movie never makes any important Top 100 List. People tend to take those things so seriously. And this movie has nothing that should be taken seriously.

2 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Bring Hitler's Brain into your home!, 10 November 1999

Watching this movie has become a tradition for me and my friends every semester. With the possible exception of The Dead Next Door, this is the worst film ever made. Every possible ridiculous script nuance, from the name of the town (Dos Palabras) to the fact that no one knows that the guy in the car has been shot, despite the fact that he clutches his chest after a shot rings out, until they stop the car, race around to the other side, open the door, and find a bullet hole. Och. But why do I talk about such ridiculous, trivial matters? The star of this film is, of course, Hitler's Brain. That such a photogenic head in a jar never managed to have the acting career he earned in this film is a travesty. And of course, that immortal "MACH SCHNELL! MACH SCHNELL!" that makes the film come alive. I watch this film on a regular basis and you should too.

Dead Alive (1992)
0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
The Unrated Version is Fantastic, 3 November 1999

Generally regarded as the goriest film of all time... well... what else do you need to know? It's disgusting; it's delightful. Lionel, the hero, is a man with a lawnmower and a vision. That alone makes this movie worth renting, along with basically every gross scene that you can find on the back cover of the unrated version. And, to speak form experience...don't eat anything before the movie. Especially the scene with the pudding...

9 out of 17 people found the following review useful:
The worst movie I've ever seen. Don't miss it., 3 November 1999

If you have a love of godawful horror movies, unending patience, and a large supply of alcohol, watch The Dead Next Door. "The Most Expensive Super-8 Film Ever Made." Need I say more? If so, how about the fact that Bruce Campbell--Ash himself--makes an uncredited voice appearance? about the fact that the movie really has absolutely zero redeeming qualities? That must surely make it a winner!

0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
A paradigm, 3 November 1999

Those of us who live for bad horror movies must consider this one a talisman. The Toxic Avenger is one of the most influential films ever made in the bad horror category: if Plan 9 from Outer Space is our Citizen Kane, The Toxic Avenger is our Godfather. How can you argue with a film that has boobs and gore? See? You can't!

Not the Great Movie I was expecting., 27 October 1999

Someone suggested to me that this movie might have been far, far more successful if it had been differently structured: imagine if, like Truman, the audience hadn't known until the end that Truman was in a TV show. It might have given the movie a certain sense of pathos and let the audience identify a lot more with Truman. As it was, I think that too much was given away too soon...knowing that it was a TV show in advance, made it harder to identify with Truman's dilemma. It made all the show's action seem stilted, the reintroduction of his father obvious, and subplot with the mysterious redhead, unconvincing. Even the social satire came off as overwrought. As such, The Truman Show was not the great movie I was hoping for when I went to it. It had great potential, and squandered it. So consider this, my could-have-been-better pitch.

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