Tug-3 Reviews

Doctor Who: The Church on Ruby Road (2023) Season 1, Episode 0

A lightweight, fun introduction to new characters

[7/10 · 3 January 2024]

After several years of ponderously serious episodes, The Church at Ruby Road returns to the bouncy fun of RTD's earlier era, with a silly threat, a fairy-tale setup, and even a musical number!

Ncuti Gatwa has such charm that his every scene is delightful. Judging from his interactions with other characters, the Fifteenth Doctor will be more empathetic than previous generations. He has a youthful joi de vivre and seems to take pleasure from interacting with everyone he meets.

Thin plot aside, this is festive fun of the sort we haven't seen since Eleven's era. Maybe I feel so much goodwill toward this episode because it's the first Christmas special in six years.

The Masked Singer (2019–2024)

Wow, what courage!

[1/10 · 20 March 2023]

Just want to say how much I admire Ken Jeong for taking such a principled stand for our nation when he walked off the set for two or three minutes that time. That took real guts! Only a cruel cynic would suggest that it was a prearranged publicity stunt that enabled the show to simultaneously celebrate Rudy Giuliani, the nation's leading proponent of election fraud conspiracy theory, while also seeming to denounce him. Yes, you'd have to be a real grump to accuse them of having their cake and eating it too! Anyway, I sure am glad Ken was back right away so he could earn that paycheck and continue to entertain us! I'm sure the producers felt duly chastised and learned a valuable lesson! Way to go, Ken! We salute you!

Doctor Who: The Power of the Doctor (2022) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

By the way, the Doctor regenerates

[3/10 · 28 January 2023]

The Whittaker / Chibnall era stumbles to the finish line in this frenzied episode. After three clumsily iconoclastic seasons, this finale is saturated in nostalgia, with cameos that, while welcome, distract from the Thirteenth Doctor's own story. After watching this episode, my takeaway was not "What a nice swan song for Thirteen," but instead "It sure was nice to see Ace and Seven together again."

Chibnall's run tried so hard to be socially relevant, but was always too inept to do it well. It still makes me chuckle that by retconning the Doctor's origins, the creative team made her into a literal Ubermensch, someone special not because of her actions but because of her genetic inheritance. "The Power of the Doctor" also bumbles in its weak attempt, making the episode's macguffin an energy source that manifests itself as a Black child. This energy source ends up killing Thirteen. I doubt this analogy was intended.

Likewise, since at least the 2021 "festive special," the series has teased a deeper affection between Thirteen and Yaz. Many fans looked forward to learning whether their evident attraction to each other would be resolved. Nope. They get ice cream. The idea of a companion support group is pretty great, although any member of Thirteen's "fam" would have the same complaints: She always yelled at us, she seemed to get innocent people killed an awful lot, and she would sometimes look slightly off-center to the camera and preach to the audience.

As usual for this era, the plot is nearly impossible to follow, frenetically paced with occasional breathless explanations from the always-irritated Doctor. Sacha Dhawan, who has been consistently entertaining as the Master, is given one final humiliating sequence with his cringeworthy "Rasputin" dance. Seeing UNIT in action again was nice. The Cybermen are once again hilariously ineffective, more window dressing than actual threat. Amid all the chaos is Thirteen herself, who should resent that her swan song barely focuses on her.

The Munsters (2022)

Nowhere near as bad as anticipated

[5/10 · 8 October 2022]

Producers were obviously counting on the very novelty of this idea to attract viewers. And hey, it worked! They got me to watch it.

When the trailer hit YouTube earlier this past summer, this movie promised to be even worse than anyone could imagine--cheap, loud, and unfunny. Well, it's certainly cheap. And loud. But I chuckled a few times and ended up ... liking? It?

It doesn't feel like the old TV show, and I'm not sure we needed a Herman Munster origin story--although I did like the pat explanation for his last name, which felt like a parody of the Han Solo movie. Most of the actors stay away from straight imitations of the TV characters, which is a good decision. Jeff Daniel Phillip's Herman is more of a bashful nebbish than Fred Gwynne's, and he's strangely adorable.

I was most surprised by this movie's obstinate innocence. It's never violent, never dirty, and unlike so many other family-friendly films these days, it never relies on gross-out humor for easy laughs. Still, I can't in good conscience recommend this movie. Long stretches are laugh-free, including a scene with Lily and Herman singing "I Got You Babe" in its entirety. Rob Zombie uses the same nauseating, constantly moving camera work he uses on all his pure horror films. But this movie is also nowhere near as bad as anticipated. Play it in the background at your Halloween party. Like, way, way in the background.

Magic Crystal (1986)

Beautifully bonkers

[8/10 · 6 September 2022]

What a blast this movie is! It's Pod People meets Swordsman with an Umbrella meets Meatballs 2 meets Undefeatable meets Indiana Jones.

Fight sequences are served in generous portions, with exceptional stunts from all the performers, particularly the reliably exhilarating Cynthia Rothrock. I wish I'd seen this with an audience, because some of her work here would be sure to get applause. Her sequence with Wong Mei-mei is the highlight of the film.

Wong Jing plays the stock (and stocky) comic relief, earning a few chuckles with his antics. The movie includes some other jolly sequences that are genuinely funny.

The last fifteen minutes borrow liberally from Raiders of the Lost Ark, but we can call it even since Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has the same outcome of returning an artifact to a stranded alien in suspended animation.

The Amazing Transplant (1970)

Icky

[2/10 · 25 June 2022]

In this movie, every woman is perceived as a sexual object and every man as an ogling deviant. It feels like something a dirty-trenchcoated man would conjure up, but because it's the work of Doris Wishman, the material seems more subversive, like it's trying to make a statement.

Still, even if it is, this movie is just gross. The plot is that a guy murders a woman, rapes a bunch of other women, and is evidently on the run although not trying very hard to hide. A hardboiled detective is on the case, interviewing each rape victim in great detail while leering at their legs.

Larry Hunter's performance as Detective Barlen is something to behold. Not once does his facial expression match what's being said to him. He constantly raises his eyebrows quizzically and he seems befuddled by statements like "Come in" and "I just made coffee." I assume Wishman filmed a selection of reaction shots and then ADR'd the soundtrack, which explains why the last ten minutes, with the killer confessing his crimes, consist of two actors covering their faces while their dialog is superimposed.

Spoiler: The killer was a nebbishy virgin who envied his lothario buddy Felix. When he learns Felix is ill, he convinces a not-terribly-ethical surgeon to transplant Felix's--y'know--to his groin. Judging from the plentiful sex scenes, the surgeon did the killer no favors, since the member in question is perpetually detumescent, although the actors attempt to indicate otherwise.

This movie does feature one of the great closing lines, right up there with Casablanca: "Come on. Maybe I can help. I dunno what I can do but maybe I can do something. Come on. Let's go." Need I say more. Need I say more.

Ricky Gervais: SuperNature (2022 TV Special)

Manic and shrill

[3/10 · 27 May 2022]

Gervais's new special has arrived with frenzied media coverage about its "transphobia" and stand against P. C. culture. That's a lot of noise about something that at face value just isn't very good.

Gervais's humor is probably best in small chunks, as packaged in Golden Globes highlight clips. Here, an hour with him is way too much. He comes off as manic, constantly out of breath as he spurts out attempted joke after attempted joke.

The problem here is that Gervais relies heavily on "shock" humor, but it's of the sort we've all heard thousands of times before: a cycle of nonstop jokes about genitalia, dead babies, Nazis, and sex. This sort of humor reached its peak popularity in the early 2000s, but now it's predictable and stale. Likewise, Gervais's Izzard-esque method of rambling and undercutting his own jokes ("This won't get in the special!" "We'll cut that part out!") is hacky.

Also noticeable is Gervais's repeated mentions of his wealth. What an odd crutch. Any time he's coming near a "shocking" topic, he reminds the audience that he's rich and thus immune to criticism. I'm not sure what this is supposed to accomplish.

No Time to Die (2021)

Strangely neutral and forgettable

[3/10 · 22 January 2022]

"No Time to Die" has two standout sequences--the pre-credits chase, which cuts back to the bare bones of Daniel Craig's appeal, and an amazing sequence with the stunning Ana de Armas. The rest of the film is a muddled, subdued chore that assumes the audience has retained a lot of information from the past few films. For me, at least, that just wasn't the case. I had to jump over to Wiki to recall some of the recurring characters. Of course by this point Bond has been de-glamorized and de-sexualized, but did they have to sap out most of the fun as well?

The movie is frustrating in one regard. When Lashana Lynch was announced as 007's heir, news articles focused on a public outcry I never quite witnessed. Still, if there were trolls who objected to this, they were proven correct. The movie handles Lynch's character with heads of bone and hands of ham. She is everything a troll probably envisioned: arrogant, humorless, angry without reason. When Bond shows up, she taunts him, showing no respect for this predecessor who has saved the world several times. I can't imagine this character winning any fans. It doesn't help that Lashana Lynch is a fairly terrible actor, with her one facial expression and tone. The film doesn't do itself any favors by being so directly confrontational with its fanbase.

Doctor Who: Eve of the Daleks (2022) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Plot holes and unpleasant characters

[2/10 · 3 January 2022]

This is another puzzling episode from Chris Chibnall. Again, he chose to rework concepts done far better by his predecessors; probably unwise to do a different take on the majestic Heaven Sent, only with more characters and less emotion.

About those characters. Why is every Chibnall character, perhaps with the exception of Dan, so unpleasant? Aisling Bea is a fine comedic actor, but her lengthy pre-credits sequence consists of her being rude and angry with her mother and a guy who just wants to be friendly. That guy, Nick, is given a bizarre backstory, and describing him as a weirdo stalker sure seems appropriate.

The Thirteenth Doctor continues to be terribly written and unsympathetic. Is there ANYTHING likeable about this Doctor now? She's recently committed genocide and is celebrating by going to the beach. She consistently puts people in jeopardy, but unlike previous incarnations who "got clever" yet regretted manipulating their friends, Thirteen just yells her cohorts into following her orders, which often make no sense. Her jokes fall flat, she has one scrunchy facial expression, and her "big Doctor moments" come off as pompous and pat. The low point of this episode was her inspirational speech, which felt like something a middle school PE coach would say to a volleyball team.

Dancin': It's on! (2015)

Yes, but . . .

[3/10 · 30 December 2021]

Yes, it's a TERRIBLE movie, made watchable through the lens of RiffTrax. But it's worth observing that the dancers are fantastic, particularly Chehon Wespi-Tschopp, who has a few moments to shine. The soundtrack, script, acting, sound design, etc., etc., are just awful, but the main actors have some charisma and are exceptional dancers. As a friend observed, it's like having Andrea Bocelli sing a Kidz Bop album.

Christmas Beneath the Stars (2021 TV Movie)

Get on with it!

[2/10 · 19 December 2021]

Every ounce of joy and energy is sapped from this deeply substandard TV movie. It's fifteen minutes of script hyperextended into a feature-length TV movie, each scene a molasses trickle. It feels like a Hallmark movie that was left out in the sun to bleach and dry up. The actors take deep breaths between each line of dialog and repeat plot points (scant as they are) over and over. The two leads are obviously under heavy sedation. The main character's aunt reads every line as catty. Even the actors' hairstyles (or wigs?) are strange. The acclaimed local cafe serves what appear to be Hungry Man turkey frozen dinners with a side of cocoa. The father and son at the heart of the story seem to be estranged at the start of the film for reasons never explained and evidently instantly resolved. WHAT EVEN IS THIS.

Coonskin (1974)

This can be a difficult watch

[5/10 · 28 March 2021]

"Coonskin" earned critical reappraisal in the 1990s and is now regarded as one of Ralph Bakshi's best films. However, time has still not been kind to this movie. When it premiered, its audience was familiar with the broad stereotypes it was mocking. For example, a Sunday newspaper comic strip continued the adventures of Br'er Rabbit from "Song of the South" until 1972. To today's audiences, the big-lipped, jive-talkin' characters of "Coonskin"-and its very title-likely feel every bit as offensive as the tar baby or Uncle Remus.

Watching "Coonskin" today can feel like an exercise in assuring yourself you're not a bad person. I read about the film before watching it and was glad to learn that Bakshi employed Black animators who were overlooked by traditional studios. Watching the credits, I felt assured by Bakshi's collaboration with prominent, outspoken figures in the 1970s-Scatman Crothers, Barry White, and Charles Gordone foremost among them. My mind struggled, though, to reconcile their participation with what was onscreen.

As with other Bakshi movies, "Cookskin" feels drug induced. The plot is related in zany fragments, with rambling dialog that often seems unconnected from the characters. Some sequences follow the progression of a standard cartoon setup-Brother Rabbit begging Savior not to kill him in a very Bugs Bunny-esque moment, for one example-only to be undercut by a "punchline" that makes little sense.

As a result, I'm not sure what this movie _is_. It's not surefooted or precise enough to be parody. It's also not funny enough to be comedy. And in spite of its cast and writers, it's not incisive enough to be good social commentary. Again, I'm approaching this as a viewer in 2021, hyper-attuned to the offensiveness of this movie's imagery. But I can't help feeling that Bakshi was exploiting and almost celebrating racial and ethnic caricatures rather than destroying them.

Heavy Metal 2000 (2000)

An acceptable sequel

[5/10 · 22 March 2021]

After reading so many negative reviews, I was pleasantly surprised by "Heavy Metal 2000." It makes a noble effort to pay homage to its predecessor but unfortunately lacks that movie's loony spontaneity.

The animation is on the same level as a DC Animated Original, with some dated CG effects added in. These do look a bit janky now, but at least the animators were trying to do something interesting. They use CGI for only a few scenes and particularly for one alien character, which does lend those moments an otherworldly quality.

This movie does improve on the original in one aspect: its blending of heavy metal music with the orchestral soundtrack. In the first film, the songs seemed almost an afterthought. Here, they feel more organic, injected when something brutal or unexpected is happening onscreen.

I liked that the villain is a throwback to the transformative powers of the Loch-Nar; he starts the movie as a normal guy and quickly morphs into the personification of evil. Julie Strain's character is great, single-minded in her quest for revenge and using every available opportunity to pummel her enemy. I also like the design of many of the aliens, particularly Zeek.

If anything, the movie's weakness is that it doesn't go far enough with its excesses. The literally cartoonish violence, gore, and nudity of the original are toned down, most noticeably in a few sequences that directly allude to the first film. Still, this movie could've just cashed in on the franchise name and gotten away with being a lot less ambitious.

The Pom Pom Girls (1976)

What a terrible movie

[1/10 · 15 March 2021]

Does this even qualify as a "movie"? It's a series of barely connected scenes of teenagers doing random activities to a soft-rock soundtrack. It's more like a music video or a Coke ad than a feature-length film. I just watched all seven hours of this movie and can remember only one character's name. Jesse. He's the one with the curly dark hair. Like all his friends, he's a jerk, plain and simple. He's constantly lying, whining, cheating, getting into fights, and guilting his idiot girlfriend into doing things she doesn't want to do.

Not one of the teenagers in this movie leads a normal high-school life. They are all belligerent and petty. They antagonize their teachers and coaches. They face no consequences for their nonstop shenanigans. You'd think that at least football would be important to the football players, especially considering the movie's title, but nope; in their first game, they immediately brawl with the opposing team.

All this would be fine if the movie was directed with madcap energy, like countless other tacky but fun horny teenager movies. Instead, Pom Pom Girls plods from scene to scene with no connective tissue or reason to care what happens to these people. At one point, some of the teens visit a motocross track and watch bemused for at least four minutes. We watch along with them. Look at those motorcycles go. Wow. Then the teens decide to rent motorcycles. They ride for a few minutes. Look at the fun they're having. The next scene involves Jesse deciding to go to the beach. What a plot!

You'd think that with a name like Pom Pom Girls, this movie would do at least one thing right. It's a 1970s exploitation film, after all. But nope. The few "sexy" scenes are ineptly paced and uncomfortable. Even the de rigueur locker room scene is off-putting; we watch in complete, creepy silence while several of the cheerleaders remove their tops and bottoms, and then one asks another to feel her breast to see whether she has a lump. Hot hot hot!

Needle Boy (2016)

A mixed and dreary bag

[4/10 · 6 March 2021]

There can be no doubting the conviction and integrity of the creative team behind "Needle Boy." The direction is solid, the cinematography beautiful, and the acting committed and daring. Unfortunately, all this artfulness is in the service of a threadbare plot, ninety minutes spent with a despicable main character.

After losing several classmates to a freak boating accident, Nick wanders through a long day in various stages of depression. The film does not make it clear whether the accident is the key to his sullenness and anger; in fact, it implies that he was already a sociopath.

He shows little regard for his devoted girlfriend, openly mocks people, and kicks dogs. He also speaks so few words that we never get to know him, despite his constant presence onscreen.

The movie do go on, with scene after scene of club life, bars, and wandering dark streets, punctuated with sad and explicit sex. We meet only one slightly likeable character, a doe-eyed raver who shares a moment of poetry with Nick despite having no apparent reason for being attracted to him.

One sequence stands out, with Nick visiting an overheated club whose dancing patrons are doused in sweat, their hair soggy and makeup streaming. Those who speak to Nick allude to death, implying that for this moment, Nick is among his drowned classmates. This sequence ends with Nick brawling with an acquaintance, seemingly expressing his rage at being a survivor. Unfortunately, the scene has no lasting effect, and it's difficult to see whether Nick is changed by any of his experiences.

Soul (2020)

Life-affirming

[10/10 · 10 January 2021]

"Soul" deserves acclaim for so many qualities: Its impeccable animation, which captures both hyper realistic renditions of New York streets and storefronts as well as "Tree of Life"-esque spiritual realms. Its soundtrack, which veers from excellent jazz performances to Brian Eno-inspired ambience. Its raucous and unpredictable humor. Its representation of jazz as a vital art form, sure to attract new, young listeners. Its stellar voicework.

Beyond all this, "Soul" creates two compelling protagonists who are more complex and well-developed than characters in countless films for "grown-ups." Joe Gardner has gone into teaching to earn a steady paycheck, but he is ambivalent about accepting a full-time position and abandoning his dream of being a professional jazz pianist. His experiences in the "Great Before" focus his attention on what gives his life meaning. A more predictable script would have Joe realizing that he was meant to be a teacher all along, and that his students, such as drummer Curly and trombonist Conny, were his legacy. Instead, Joe remains committed to his dream. It's not that he's self-centered-he's shown to be a terrific teacher, and he ends up nearly sacrificing his very existence to help his celestial student, 22. The movie instead acknowledges that life is not based on binary choices, and that someone's "spark" cannot be limited to one facet of their personality. Joe has the same complex motivations, regrets, and dreams as a real person.

The character of 22 is just as fascinating. Her story reminds me of "Groundhog Day," a movie that is similarly simple on its surface, but profound on later reflection. In her refusal to become alive, 22 is like many of us, self-contained and hardened to the beauty of life. She first begins to see life's potential when she speaks with Conny, wintessing inspiration firsthand and urging it along. She begins to realize that life's value comes from involvement with and concern for others, and for engagement with nature and one's surroundings. She is saved once she embraces this profound truth.

Doctor Who: Revolution of the Daleks (2021) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Here we go again

[2/10 · 2 January 2021]

The Chibnall era of Doctor Who is adamantly opposed to fun, not only in the show's tone, but also in its strange refusal to give us a straight-up Christmas special. Gone are the days of settling in to watch the Doctor's newest adventure after Christmas lunch. "Revolution of the Daleks" is so anti-holiday, there's only the briefest mention of it being a new year.

The lack of fun continues as we get reacquainted with the "fam," all of whom shuffle through this episode as if suffering from severe post-holiday depression. Even when the Doctor is rescued from her space prison, their moods do not improve, and they keep guilting the Doctor about her absence rather than wondering whether decades in a Judoon prison have had any effect on her.

Thirteen's era is so odd. We spend an enormous amount of time with her companions, yet we never get to know them. Nearly all of their countless conversations have been about the same three topics: not giving up, not letting the Doctor down, how they're a family now.

Character growth has been so stagnant that when Ryan announces his decision not to accompany the Doctor anymore and states that he's found his purpose on earth, the most sensible question is "What is that, exactly?" All Ryan needed was one more line, indicating that he was, I dunno, going to join the police force, or look into UNIT, or pursue a profession--ANYTHING. Instead, the episode ends with him still having difficulty riding a bike, which is exactly--EXACTLY--where the character started! It's the show going out of its own way to indicate its own lack of character arcs.

(One tangential note to close: I've read a lot of other Thirteen-era IMDB user comments, and I notice a thread among a lot of the positive reviews: many of them start with some variation on "Don't listen to the trolls! They're all men who just hate the idea of a female Doctor!" Note to anyone who writes this way: This is an ad hominem attack, not valid criticism, and it will stop people from taking your reviews seriously.)

Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)

What a strange, morally corrupt film

[3/10 · 27 December 2020]

At first watch, Wonder Woman 1984 passes as standard, overlong superhero fare. It pilfers liberally from prior superhero films, notably the Thor trilogy and Christopher Reeve-era Superman, with a mythological trickster god driving the action, a megalomaniacal magnate as villain, and loving shots of the protagonist in flight. It also adopts the longstanding but still inexplicable sequel template of cramming in two supervillains.

The more you think about it, though, the stranger this movie becomes. The first scene sets up a challenge for Diana to learn the value of truth, which seems something she would've learned by 1984. This plot point vanishes until nearly the end of the film. In the meantime, Diana does not exactly act heroic. She captures some robbers and smashes their bodies into the top of a police car, demolishing it, rather than simply tying them up somewhere. She constantly puts people in jeopardy, particularly two kids she "rescues" while her powers are waning (an alternate plan might've been to yell, "Hey, kids, get out of the way of these large, loud military vehicles"). And most worrisomely-unless I'm mistaken-she straight-up rapes a guy.

I don't want to skip over this point. Another man's body is inhabited by the soul of Steve Trevor. Diana and Steve question the logistics of how this happened, but have no problem putting this gentleman's body in repeated danger nor using it for sexual gratification. It could be argued that since Steve consents, no rape occurs. But sex is a physical act.

How could none of the creative people involved with this film realize what they were doing? Did no one stop and think of its ramifications? Imagine if the sexes were reversed here. Imagine if this was Captain America and Peggy (easy to do, since the Wonder Woman movies already steal so much from the Captain America franchise). The most inexplicable element here is that we're already dealing with fairy-tale logic. A magic wishing stone turns a woman into a cat at one point. How hard would it have been to simply bring Steve back without having to inherit another man's body?

Aside from this craziness, there's also the movie's lack of narrative coherence, its shifting goalposts on what the Macguffin can do (you'd figure some people's wishes would cancel each other out), its preachiness and hamhanded attempts at relevance, and that final showdown with the Cheetah, which reminded me of The Amazing Spider-Man 2, a movie you never want to be reminded of.

The Christmas Bow (2020 TV Movie)

The best of this year's crop

[7/10 · 27 December 2020]

With a lot of time at home during the 2020 holiday season, my wife and I have watched nearly all of this year's Hallmark Christmas movies. In our experience, the ones that involve music can be cringe-inducing, so we were tempted to skip this one.

"The Christmas Bow" ended up being a terrific surprise, thanks mostly to Lucia Micarelli, whose considerable, multifaceted talents are on full display. Her character is given a believable backstory, and she plays her with quiet reserve and empathy. The director gives her some great moments to display her musical talent, and wisely frames the shots to show us that yes, she really is playing that amazing music!

All of the main cast is great in this, playing relatable characters whose motivations make sense. One scene in particular, with the main character's grandmother suffering from dementia, stands out for its sensitivity. It's a scene that ties the plot together and gives it much more weight than the usual Hallmark fare.

With this one, you can just tell that the creative team cared about the story. It almost feels like they wanted to give Lucia Micarelli a film worthy of her talent.

Love, Lights, Hanukkah! (2020 TV Movie)

An admirable try

[3/10 · 19 December 2020]

This movie makes a valiant effort to work some Hanukkah traditions into the standard Hallmark format. Unfortunately, it uses up all its good ideas within the first half hour, and then gets overwhelmed by the boilerplate.

The first act sets up an interesting plotline: Christmas-obsessed gal discovers that she's part Jewish, finds her biological family, and approaches her cultural heritage with admirable openness. Explored deeper, this really could've been something special. Instead, the plot quickly shifts gears into a bland romance, and all the cultural exploration stuff is shuffled to the background.

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms (2018)

Deserves a (slightly) better reputation

[5/10 · 12 December 2020]

Several films have tried to translate "The Nutcracker" to the big screen, some as straightforward adaptations of the ballet and others as interpretations of the original book by E. T. A. Hoffman. The original text is dense, dark, and does not lend itself to a straight cinematic retelling. The ballet, meanwhile, uses only the scaffolding of Hoffman's plot, usually dispensing with the narrative by the end of the first act and bringing out a series of showpieces in the second. As a result, it too is not a prime candidate for a scripted interpretation. Still, it's such a beloved Christmas staple that the lure to adapt it has proven irresistible.

Of the retellings I've seen, "The Nutcracker and the Four Realms" is the best, but I say that cautiously. As with the ballet, it uses only the base elements of the original book, mingling in some elements of the ballet, although with some interesting subversions. (Kids who love the ballet will be excited at the presence of the Sugarplum Fairy and Mother Ginger, but to see them at war is certainly unexpected.) However, if the writers discarded the character names and the Christmas Eve party that bookends the film, you could easily take this for another Narnia or Alice in Wonderland sequel. The plot elements line up so closely with Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland that it's hard not to see the Sugarplum Fairy as a spin on Helena Bonham Carter's Red Queen. The story becomes more depressingly derivative as it progresses, so by the time the villain's Grand Scheme is revealed and two sides go to war, you sigh in resignation and strap in for the upcoming CGI-fest.

Still, this movie has some terrific qualities. All the acting is strong and sincere. I like Morgan Freeman as an avuncular, rather than terrifying, Drosselmeyer. Keira Knightley is gleeful and she lights up every scene she's in. Mackenzie Foy is a steady, likeable presence in a movie where she's on screen for at least 90 percent of the running time. Additionally, the sets, costumes, and CGI are well-done. You can tell a lot of thought went into making this film, especially in little background touches. The Christmas Party scenes are particularly well done, making clear why visiting Drosselmeyer's would be a thrill for a child.

James Newton Howard deserves acclaim for his soundtrack. It's no easy task to adapt one of the world's best-known classical ballet scores, at least not without seeming disrespectful. (If you want an example, check out the atrocious Nutcracker 3-D from 2010.) The music fits in seamlessly, especially when at one point the score dips in and out of an actual ballet, focusing on dancers and then on the fairy-land audience.

Doctor Who: The Timeless Children (2020) Season 12, Episode 10

It just doesn't hold together

[2/10 · 4 December 2020]

This episode is certainly polarizing, almost entirely because of its big reveal. While disappointment and even anger are understandable responses to this canonical retooling, focusing on the Doctor's reconfigured backstory tends to overlook this two-parter's countless other flaws. So here's a handy list of just a few!

• As usual, the companions are given precious little to do. After rewatching some classic Doctor Who, I understand better that Chibnall was really an old-school fan of longer, drawn-out serials with cliffhanger endings. He just doesn't comprehend that we don't need this sort of padding in episodic, modern Doctor Who. Every time the companions are on screen, they're running through the same three cycles: Don't give up hope! -- I've got a harebrained plan that just might work! -- It worked!

• The DOCTOR is given precious little to do. She shows up to confront the Cybermen, immediately fails and gets someone killed, is abducted, and barely says anything for two hours. The Master has at least twenty times as much dialog in "The Timeless Children" as the Doctor has in the entire series. Which is good, actually, since the Master is the only spark of life in this episode; he's having a blast.

• Let's examine how the Doctor "wins." She makes a halfhearted speech about sacrificing herself for her friends, in a moment that is supposed to be emotional but that falls flat. It comes off like she's begging someone else to say, "No, I'll do it for you!" or at least "Well, you're the only one who knows how to activate this deus ex machina, so go to it!" Instead, everyone mopes and she wanders off. She then confronts the Master but can't bring herself to do what she said she was going to do which was, as I understand it, to blow up a bunch of dead Time Lords. And then Ko Sharmus comes out in full view of at least twenty Cybermen, proclaims that he's going to destroy them as penance (?), tells the Doctor to leave, and grandstands as she runs off, deciding to let him kill himself in order to do the very same thing she said she was going to do but then decided not to do for reasons we don't know. At any point during Ko Sharmus's intervention, a Cyberman could have easily shot him in the face, as Cybermen are apt to do.

• Aside from scrapping huge portions of the Doctor's mythology, "The Timeless Children" also confirms that the Master wasn't lying when he boasted about destroying Gallifrey. Hey, great! Remember how good we all felt when Ten, Eleven, and the War Doctor combined their wisdom, optimism, and good-heartedness to save the planet from the Time War? Turns out it was all wasted effort. Funny thing is, Thirteen doesn't really seem all that upset about it.

Ugh, right? Ugh. What a disaster of a season. What an insult to so many creative teams who came before.

The Thanksgiving House (2013 TV Movie)

Where's the likability?

[1/10 · 25 October 2020]

This movie takes a solid forty minutes to give us our first glimpse of Mary, the main character, being at all likable or kind to anyone. Before this occurs, she takes pleasure in crushing insurance claims, smugly proclaims that she has no interest in her family, dates a sleazeball with a personalized license plate that says MO MONEY, and responds to any other characters with sneers and sarcasm--even her assistant / best friend (?).

It's one thing if she's supposed to be a Scrooge who is eventually redeemed, but the movie treats her as if we're supposed to like her right away. She gets the same empathetic treatment as any other Hallmark movie heroine, when she's obviously the kind of person we'd all avoid in real life.

Everett, the charming, passionate archeologist, falls for Mary for reasons that are completely inexplicable. She is outright cruel to him. Actually, all the women in his life are cruel to him. He should move away from Plymouth.

I did enjoy one line in the movie, when Bruce Boxleitner advises his son to "go digital." I really hope that was a Tron in-joke.

Slaughterhouse Slumber Party (2019)

I . . . can't believe I liked this

[6/10 · 11 October 2020]

I rented this movie thinking "Oh, fun, so bad it's good!" and was prepared to bail after the pre-title sequence. I'm glad I stuck with it, though, because this movie is a ton of fun. It's gleefully smutty, of course, but it delivers on all its promises. It feels like a bunch of Asbury Park NJ roller-derby girls got together and decided to make a horror movie--and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Horror comedies always walk a fine line: one step too far and they become too self-aware or outright unfunny and dull. Here, the actors look like they're having such a blast, and they deliver their lines with such gusto, that it's hard not to belly-laugh. Some of the running gags are great: I especially liked Stoya, the stern-faced Russian girl who is always subtitled despite speaking clear English.

Yes, the movie does become blatantly self-aware at one point and maybe goes a bit too far in justifying its own existence, but as a fan of bad movies, I can appreciate its earnestness.

Chris D'Elia: No Pain (2020 TV Special)

Grueling

[1/10 · 17 April 2020]

When you watch a comedy special, you should be more captivated by the comedian than by the audience. In the case of "No Pain," it's impossible not to watch the crowd and try to determine what's wrong with them. How could they be laughing with such gusto at such a deeply unfunny comic?

D'Elia's gimmick is to state a premise, repeat, pause for effect, repeat again, and then repeat again louder. He puts on a slurry, undefinable accent, despite being from Montclair NJ. He struts and frets and repeats. The premises themselves are not gems of comedy. For example, did you know that dolphins will try to have sex with people? Did you? If I were to repeat that to you over and over again, would your surprised laughter increase with each repetition?

Watching this special is torture.