Ah! My Goddess: Bad Goddess The Anime Video Comic (TV Series)

Doctor What (2017)

Skolde Nornir: Skuld

Quotes 

• Narrator : One ordinary day in may, three magical Goddesses of Fate found themselves on the doorstep of a loveable college student named Keiichi Morisato. They had joy and laughter and many adventures together. And everyone was happy. Soon after their college days had ended, the Goddesses sold out and became an Anime Pop Culture Phenomenon that was shortly killed off two seasons later by the Evangelion movies. And recently it was completel evicerated in a satire that could only be known as Bad Goddess. But one bad sequel later, our humble writer fell under the impression that the first movie was a fluke. So he set out to make a second one based on a crazy nightmare he had when he fell off his medication. It paid off big time. You will fucking love this story.

  Skuld : What the heck was that? Oh my god... could it be? I don't believe it. After all this time... he's real... Doctor Who is Real!

  Doctor What : Why no, little girl... I'm even better than Doctor Who! I'M DOCTOR WHAT!

  Skuld : Excuse me?

  Doctor What : I'M EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE PUBLIC ACCESS TIME LORD!

  Skuld : What the fuck is Public Access?

  Doctor What : It's a tv station where anyone can come on and have their very own show!

  Skuld : So it's a special needs station for people who suck too hard to get on real television? Does anybody actually watch Public Access?

  Doctor What : Of course! Lots of people watch Public Access!

  Skuld : What percentage of the people that watch Public Access are people that also worked on the shows?

  Doctor What : Well, if it ain't on BBC, it ain't worth watching, is it?

• Skuld : Oh, I'm just messing with you. Do you get to fight the Daleks a lot?

  Doctor What : No, I try to avoid them.

  Skuld : What about the Cybermen?

  Doctor What : Look, I'm gonna level with you, kid. Those things are fictional.

  Skuld : Do you have any kind of sci fi adventures at all?

  Doctor What : OF COURSE! THAT'S WHY I HAVE MY VERY OWN EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION SHOW!

  Skuld : Educational?... OH FUCK, PLEASE NO!

  Doctor What : Oh, don't be so glum. How would you like to be my travelling companion for a day?

  Skuld : You remind me of those weirdos that drive around in pedophile vans trying to pass out free candy to children.

  Doctor What : GOOD LORD!

• Urd : What the hell? How did this get here? Who is this guy?

  Skuld : Apparently K-Mart has their own version of Doctor Who. It's like they tried to get David Tennant, but they bought him from the 99 Cent Store.

  Doctor What : Say! Would you feel more comfortable being my travelling companion if your older sister came along?

  Urd : We get to go on a time travel adventure?

  Doctor What : Absolutely, come hop in my TARDIS. You know it's always bigger on the inside!

  Skuld : OH! ME FIRST! ME FIRST!

  Urd : Hey! You said this was bigger on the inside!

  Doctor What : Well, I had to get you in here somehow! And off we go!

• Titles : The 1950s

  Urd : You have the power to travel through time and space and interdimensions, and you take us to a shopping mall?

  Doctor What : Not just ANY shopping mall. This is a real life 1950s shopping mall.

  Urd : I have really bad memories of living through the 1950s because of the racism and segregation laws.

  Skuld : Hey, check that out, Urd! They have granny panties in your size!

  Doctor What : Okay, I can see I jumped to conclusions and touched a nerve here. What about a spectacular adventure to the Medieval Ages!

  Skuld : We both lived through the Medieval Ages! Those fucking fake ass christians used to tortue and burn witches like us at the stake! And the black plague! And we had people shitting out of their windows! Not to mention we were all vegetarians, and not by choice!

  Urd : Oh, those were the glory days, when women lived to the ripe old age of died in childbirth.

  Doctor What : Coincidentally, exactly how old are you?

  Urd : That's a good question. Allow me to refer you back to an early episode of Oh My Goddess. During one of the episodes, I was suspended and I was told that I had to go back to heaven for two months, which in earth years is 50 years. By that math, one full year in heaven is equal to three hundred years on earth. Now, going off of our physical ages, if one were to assume that Skuld was 14, Belldandy was 20, and I was 30, then at a minimum, our physical ages in earth years would be around 3,000 and 6,000 and 9,000 years old. Which, based on which reality you choose to live in, totally depends on your perspective.

  Doctor What : Yeah... he he. I'm only 35.

  Skuld : That's funny, the Doctor always claimed to be 900 years old.

  Doctor What : I'm not Doctor Who! I'M DOCTOR WHAT!

  Skuld : Well, you sure capitalize off his name.

• Doctor What : You don't believe I can do it, do you?

  Urd : Do what?

  Doctor What : All I want to do, is take this poor, sad, lonely, sweet little girl on a Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure that will brighten up her gloomy day.

  Urd : Sooooooo... that means I can finally get some peace and quiet in the house?

  Doctor What : If that's the way you look at it!

  Urd : She's all yours.

  Skuld : WHAT? DUDE! YOU SOLD ME OUT!

  Urd : But Skuld! All he wants to do is take you on a Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure!

  Skuld : But we have adventures all the time!

  Urd : And most of them are in your living room watching Doctor Who on BBC. Don't Dream It, Skuld, Be It.

• Titles : CHARLIE DAY and THE INCREDIBLE SKULD in DOCTOR WHAT. EPISODE: THE MYSTERY OF THE SPACESHIP IN THE MOUNTAIN. WRITTEN BY KEVIN FROM THE OTHER DIMENSION.

  Skuld : Where are we?

  Doctor What : I don't know! I set it on random ALL THE TIME! It's kind of like playing Russian Roulette. I mean, how do I know I'm not going to open that door and be at the bottom of the ocean, or in the middle of outer space! I DON'T KNOW! ISN'T THAT CRAZY AWESOME!

  Skuld : Coincidentally, were you a Ritalin child?

• Skuld : Are we sure we want to go into this place?

  Doctor What : How were you planning on having a Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure if you don't learn to live a little? Helloooooo! Come on out, everybody! Time to play!

  Digby : I'm Digby, the caretaker. May I help you?

  Doctor What : Well hello there! Boy, are we glad to see you! We're suffering a little car trouble right now and need a place to hide out for the night.

  Digby : Well, if you're not going to book a room, you're welcome to hang out at the party going on down the hall while you're waiting for AAA. I'm sure they would love to have some more company.

  Skuld : Ooooooh, party. This is a nice little hotel. Is it really carved into the mountain?

  Digby : Indeed it is. There's an old legend that goes with this mountain that makes it a tourist attraction. Supposedly it was once an alien landing site, and if you look through it you can see carvings in the wall that look like the interior of the ship. It's all an illusion, but it helps give our hotel it's business.

  Skuld : Sounds like Inner Space Caverns! Doctor What! I wanna go on the mountain tour! I wanna go!

  Doctor What : Well, as long as we're in the area, I say we go for it!

  Digby : I'd... I'd would be more than happy to show you two around.

  Skuld : Mr Digby, while we're on the subject, do you have the shining in your family?

  Doctor What : Yeeeeeeaaaah... come along little Skuld.

  Skuld : Come play with us, Danny. Come play with us.

• Digby : Mr Lloyd! What have you got for us today? Mr Lloyd here is an excavationist. He's been trying to dig up some of those alien artifacts for us.

  Mr Lloyd : And I may have found one. Check this out. We've been digging this sucker out for months.

  Skuld : It looks like a huge pile of junk, or a really shitty podracer replica from star wars.

  Doctor What : You think so, eh? What are you going to do with it?

  Mr Lloyd : Well, aren't you curious? I'd like to get it running.

• Doctor What : Okay, thanks for the tour! Oooh! Isn't this fun?

  Skuld : Oh yeah. Totally Fucking Supercalifragiliciousexpialidocious! Let's go! We're going to miss the party!

  Digby : Now what the hell is that thing? Well, I'll be damned...

  Frank : Hey, we got food and drinks and everything. Must've set you back a fortune Skip.

  Skip : Well, I do try!

  Nancy : Hey, you guys, let's party!

  Skuld : Doctor What... This is not the Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure that you promised me! THIS IS A SLASHER MOVIE!

  Doctor What : I believe you! Young Skuld! I believe, it's time we skidaddled!

• Doctor What : The TARDIS is gone...

  Skuld : Oh, No! No! We can't be stuck here! HELP! BELLDANDY!

  Doctor What : It's okay. It's okay. Calm down. We'll think of something. I've been in situations like this all the time.

  Skuld : Liar! Fake! Fraud! This is all your fault! You got me into this! And now we're both going to be killed like the others by some maniac!

  Doctor What : You think I'm a fake, Skuld?

  Skuld : IT WAS OBVIOUS FROM THE BEGINNING!

  Doctor What : I promise you, nobody has ever died in my care. I would not allow a Goddess of Fate to be in so much danger. I promise that I will get you home.

  Skuld : How? HOW?

  Doctor What : Look, I'm sorry my life doesn't have the kind of conflict that makes your tv show interesting. And I know this isn't the Daleks, or the Cybermen. But these people need our help. We can't just leave them here to die.

  Skuld : We're isolated out in the middle of nowhere! Where are we going to go?

  Doctor What : If you want me to be Doctor Who, then I have to go back in there and face this. Doctor Who doesn't run.

• Ted : Who's got the fastest car?

  Skip : Carol does.

  Ted : Give me the keys.

  Carol : Here, she always starts, first time.

  Doctor What : Just get in and drive like hell.

  Ted : Starts every time, huh?

  Skuld : Holy Shit! What the FUCK did you get us into?

  Doctor What : Well, hey, man... at least it couldn't get any worse... Right?... Right?... I mean, how could it possibly get worse?

• Doctor What : I'm telling you, this killer that's on the loose, there's more to it than what's on the surface. It all ties into the legend of the spaceship in the mountain. First, Digby the janitor was crucified. Then the jock died from a fatal can of beer, his insides were his outsides. The girl who drowned in a bathtub full of acid. These killings are following a very specific order. I can't believe these people didn't pick up on it. The man who became a victim of the lawnmowers, the amazing electrocuting bed, the prankster that met the hangman... These are not original. Our killer is a copycat trying to throw us off his scent.

  Skuld : How do you know they're not original?

  Doctor What : Because I remember the movie he's copying. All of his killing methods are stole from the 1980s slasher movie called Slaughter High. He's simply transferred his actions to this obscure hotel to look like Ten Little Indians.

  Skuld : But why here? Why now? Why this Hotel?

  Doctor What : If the legend is true, then this is no hotel. We have the killings, we have the method, all we need is the motive. What if the spaceship in the mountain that this hotel was built on was indeed, an actual spaceship, and our killer was one of the survivors.

  Skuld : But according to the kind of decay it would take to turn the spaceship into that mountain, that would make him thousands of years old.

  Doctor What : Not quite. That "hunk of junk" Mr Lloyd was excavating from the mountain looked very familiar. It could've been a time scrambler. In order to save his own life, the alien had been jumping himself through time until he could find his way to escape the isolated canyon... and by coincidence, I would imagine it just arrived here today, of all days... which is why Mr Lloyd found his ship. And the only way it could escape unnoticed was if it killed us all off to hide it's secret. Our killer needs to get to civilization, and once it's finished killing us off it has no more enemies to stop it.

  Skuld : Except for one problem.

  Doctor What : What's that?

  Skuld : When did the time travelling killer alien find the time to watch Slaughter High?

  Doctor What : Oh come on, you're not seriously going to question logic and continuity in an Oh My Goddess movie, are you? I say, if you want answers, the only place we're gonna find them is on that mountain.

  Skuld : Or, we could just go home and forget the whole thing... since, you know, everybody's already dead anyways.

  Doctor What : On second thought... I like your plan better.

• Doctor What : Hey Skuld, I think the coast is clear.

  Skuld : Are you sure about that?

  Doctor What : Yeah, I'm fairly confident. Look! There's the TARDIS over there!

  Skuld : You know, I've learned something today. Being Doctor Who is great and all... but not everybody is cut out to be Doctor Who... Sometimes learning how to weasel your way out of things is important in life...

  Doctor What : You're goddamn fucking right, it is! Let's go! Oh Goddammit! The Killer Alien is in our way! Oh Hi There! Hello? WE COME IN PEACE!

  Killer Alien : YOU'LL LEAVE IN PIECES!

  Doctor What : You hear that? NEGOTIATIONS ARE OVER!

  Skuld : So, you're actually going to fight him.

  Doctor What : FUCK NO! THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!

• Killer Alien : Hey Loser! YOUR FIGHT IS OVER HERE!

  Doctor What : Heavenly little fucker, isn't he? You want to take a shot at this?

  Skuld : Nope. I'm fine watching you.

  Killer Alien : Your little friend was right! You are a joke! I'm disgusted I took the time!

  Skuld : That's not true! All of your stupid theories were right! You solved the mystery of the spaceship in the mountain! You figured out that hunk of junk was a time machine! You knew there was a slasher on the loose before everyone else did, and by solving the mystery, your actions saved at least two peoples' lives! You're the Doctor more than David Tennant ever was, and that's because you're real! Please don't give up, Doctor What! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

  Doctor What : BULLSHIT ARTIST! HOW MANY PEOPLE DID I SAVE AGAIN, TONIGHT?

  Skuld : The only two lives that matter right now... OURS!

  Doctor What : That's good enough for me!

  Killer Alien : JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

  Doctor What : You've killed a lot of innocent people tonight, YOU ROTTEN, NO GOOD, BUTTFUCKING, SON OF A MOTHERFUCKING WHORE! AND I'M GOING TO SHANK YOU IN THE FACE WITH A FUCKING SCREWDRIVER!

  Skuld : Wait... you mean your Sonic Screwdriver is AN ACTUAL SCREWDRIVER!

  Doctor What : OF COURSE! IT'S PERFECT FOR SHANKING PEOPLE!

  Skuld : Oh boy... what have I done?

  Doctor What : Son of a Bitch... he's gone...

  Skuld : I guess you spent so much time talking, that he just got bored and left.

  Doctor What : Now how do you like that shit? Okay, fuck it. We're going home.

• Skuld : Well... it looks like we had our Super Happy Fun Time Magical Sci Fi Adventure after all.

  Doctor What : Okay, seriously... Fuck you, Skuld.

  Skuld : I know this sounds strange, but I'm kind of going to miss you.

  Doctor What : Don't forget, I'm on Public Access every Thursday. Oh wait, I forgot, that's the same time the BBC show is on.

  Skuld : I've seen all the BBC shows already.

  Doctor What : I don't know. David Tennant is pretty good.

  Skuld : Yeah, but he didn't knock ET the fuck out and shanked him in the face with an actual screwdriver. You're a twisted fuck, you know that?

  Doctor What : That's my secret. Have a good night.