Christopher Titus: Amerigeddon (2019 TV Special)

Christopher Titus: Self

Quotes 

• Christopher Titus : I think we all learned this year, if you can break your idea down to three words, dumbasses'll follow you anywhere.

• Christopher Titus : Here's what bothered me about the last election. I could not believe we were fighting each other over these idiots. Like, half of us wanted this arrogant, pantsuit-wearing robot; I call her She-3PO.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And ladies, why was she wearing those square jackets? Was she running as Lego Hillary?

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And then the other half wanted this arrogant, orange, delusional, Alzheimer's-ridden rodeo clown.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And that's why we were pissed at each other? You-you... people who are families were breaking up. You guys do get that we get a new idiot in four years, right?

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : You're gonna need your family to wipe you in twenty.

• Christopher Titus : Yeah, we have a president with no military experience and no political experience, but he has jazz hands.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : [singing and waving his hands like Trump]  "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way."

  [spoken] 

  Christopher Titus : What is that? And I... And I have to be honest. I feel bad for you Trump people, 'cause you damn well every time that man heads towards a microphone, you have anxiety, don't you?

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And, man... and, man, how many teleprompter guys have shot themself in the face working with that dude? 'Cause he's on the speech for a minute. He's like, he's on the speech. He's on the speech. He's on the speech. And then, "Oh my god, he's gonna improv. NO!"

• Christopher Titus : You guys do realize what these phones have done to us now; selfie, selfie, selfie. Is it any surprise we elected the most narcissistic human being on the planet? "Selfie, selfie, selfie." Get some damn friends. Take some them-ies and us-ies. Come on, god damn it! Take more we-sies!

  [laughter and applause] 

  Christopher Titus : You get who we are now, right? We now take pictures of ourselves to send to people we don't know, to see what they think about us.

• Christopher Titus : And that last Road Warrior movie, "Fury Road"? "Fury Road" aside, gentlemen, there are no hot babes in the apocalypse.

  [shouts from the audience] 

  Christopher Titus : Oh, no, all the skinny, hot chicks died of malnutrition, lack of moistuerizer, and ChapStick.

• Christopher Titus : I'll tell you what this last election proved to me. It proved to me what I'm not. I'm not a Democrat. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a conservative, not a liberal. I'm not a hobbit. I'm not a orc.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : I'm not Slytherin. I'm not Gryffindor. And I'm definitely not a Hufflepuff.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Christopher Titus : Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, screw that imaginary group of people. I'm an independent, 100%. I believe in the death penalty. I be...

  [cheers and applause] 

  Christopher Titus : Yes. I believe in the death penalty, but I also believe that when you get convicted of the death penalty, they should put you in a penalty box and you get beaten to death by hockey players.

• Christopher Titus : I don't want to make too much fun of Mitch McConnell, 'cause I loved his work as the pelican in "Finding Nemo".

• Christopher Titus : Say what you want about Trump, like him or hate him, you have to admit this man has no filter and the biggest balls of anybody we put in that office.

• Christopher Titus : So now, when I want to write comedy about something, I have to study it really hard, and I've been studying the alt-right for the while now, the alternative right. They said "Trump got helped by the al-right. The alternative right helped Trump." Uh, if you don't know what the alt-right is, best definition I can give you is it rhymes with "all white." Let's leave it there.

• Christopher Titus : The alt-right is a group of white guys that believe America should be a all-white country like it always has been, because they don't read a lot.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : They don't like immigration, brown people, black people, and Jews. Oh, oh, oh, oh, and they hate political correctness. They want to keep it ra-zeal.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Really? You hate political correctness, and why would you call yourself the alternative right? You sound like a shitty Miley Cyrus metal cover band.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : We're the alt-right and we're gonna rock you.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Because if you don't like immigration, brown people, black people, and Jews, the non-political-correct term is Nazi.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Christopher Titus : You're a Nazi. And-and, hey. I'm not calling you a Nazi. Let's just go to the chart, 'cause it matches exactly. In fact, if you didn't know that's what a Nazi was, you guys are like Nazi-stradamus. That's amazing to me.

• Christopher Titus : [about how nice a guy George W. Bush is]  On the other hand, our new guy hate tweets about civil rights leaders on Martin Luther King weekend. Does he have a calendar?

  [pantomiming flipping through a calendar] 

  Christopher Titus : "I'm gonna save this tweet 'till next Saturday. Maybe that would make sense." He's gone after some of America's most hated terrrorists: Meryl Streep.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Called Meryl Streep overrated. She's been nominated for twenty Oscars and won six. I'm sorry, you don't get to talk shit about anybody if your best skill is bankruptcy and the combover.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Christopher Titus : And... and Trump people, I want you to know I'm not giving you my opinion, this is a fact. The man bankrupted four casinos. Do you know how casinos work?

  [pantomiming] 

  Christopher Titus : People walk into the casino. They hand over *all* their money. And then, they walk out of the casino.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Christopher Titus : Somehow, he found the glitch in that.

• Christopher Titus : I started drinking when I was fifteen years old. I stopped drinking at seventeen because I fell into a bonfire.

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : Oh, I got really good at drinking. That's... that's gold-medal level right there. Alcoholics Anonymous sent me a certificate that just said "Wow".

  [laughter] 

  Christopher Titus : And then under that, it said "We can't help you."