- Himself - Host: And finally, new rule: of all the fairy tales we've told ourselves here in America, the one we most need to get rid of now is in America, no one is above the law. Let conservatives get weepy-eyed about this magic, infallible Constitution that Jesus personally delivered to the capital.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: It's incumbent on the rest of us to remain clear-eyed about its flaws. And when you don't have to follow the orders of law enforcement, as Trump clearly doesn't, you are above the law. I am...
- [applause]
- Himself - Host: I'm tired of hearing TV lawyers say "The president can't refuse a subpoena." Even Rudy Giuliani said that; he said "You gotta do it. I mean, you don't have a choice." Yeah, except that was in 1998 when Clinton was president. Now Rudy says "We don't have to. He's the President of the United States." As Rudy's three ex-wives can tell you, he's not really good at being married to anything.
- Himself - Host: I know liberals have this vision of Trump forced out of the White House and arrested, but that's not going to happen, no matter how many cartoons of it you post on your Facebook feed.
- [scattered laughs]
- Himself - Host: "The noose is tightening", I hear people say. No, the noose is not tightening. His face is always that color.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: The Constitution does not give permission to indict or prosecute a president. *You* can't legally resist arrest, but he can. Could you ignore a subpoena? Could you pardon yourself? If your obedience to the law is strictly voluntary or compelled by shame, of which he has none, you are above the law. If you don't believe me, the next time a cop is writing you a ticket, try saying "I don't think so, officer. Your traffic stop is a witch hunt."
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: "And don't bother arresting me, either. I've already pardoned myself. Executive privilege, bitch."
- Himself - Host: Checks and balances is a cute theory, but have you met Paul Ryan?
- [scattered laughs]
- Himself - Host: The Constitution only has two recourses for an evil president: the 25th amendment, which allows the Cabinet to remove a president who was crazy and incapacitated, which might work if Trump's Cabinet wasn't crazy and incapacitated.
- [laughter and applause]
- Himself - Host: And impeachment. But impeachment means nothing without conviction, which requires 67 votes in the Senate, which, even after the best blue-wave election ever, would mean at least a dozen Republicans crossing party lines; not going to happen. We're on the honor system and Republicans are fresh out of honor.
- [applause]
- Himself - Host: John Adams had it right back in 1780 when he said "There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties." But that's what happened. And even the Founders couldn't forsee our current level of tribalism, where half of us would hear Laurel and half would hear Yanny.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: They never imagined a Congress full of shameless partisan enablers who wouldn't turn on Trump if they found out he was using the eternal flame to light farts.
- Himself - Host: In that atmosphere, this president doesn't have to do anything. Anything, except explore how far he can go until he's stopped, like the way he used to walk into the dressing room at the Miss Universe pageant.
- [scattered applause]
- Himself - Host: Oh, I know, I know. We're playing 3-D chess, and he... yeah, he's playing "I tipped the board over." Because here's what's going to happen: Meuller will request an interview; Trump will say no. Meuller will then subpoena him; Trump will say "Go fish." It goes to the Supreme Court; they're partisan now, too. We learned that in Bush vs Gore, but say they do the right thing and order him to honor the subpoena, and he still says no. What do we do then? Call Dog the Bounty Hunter?
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: That's when the same experts will be saying "A president has never defied the Supreme Court." Stop telling me he'll never do that. He always does that! "It's not normal" is not an argument that works on Donald Trump. That's the kind of dare that makes him hard.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: It's like a penis pump that runs on coal.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: If the Supreme Court rules against him, he'll attack them, just like he did the FBI and the Justice Department. The Supreme Court will be the new "deep state" enemy, and their rulings will be "fake news." This year, when President Xi of China made himself president for life, Trump said "President for life... I think it's great. Maybe we'll have to give that a shot someday." A month later, he suggested he should have four terms, like FDR. People say he's joking about this stuff, but when has Trump ever told a joke? His idea of a funny gag is making Mike Pence kiss his ass in public. Maybe the reason he keeps saying he wants to be president for life is because he wants to be president for life.