- Narrator: Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.
- Crowley: [threateningly to one of his plants] Is that a spot? Is it?
- [the plants start to tremble]
- Crowley: Now I've told you all how I feel about leaf spots - I will not stand for them!
- Crowley: [picks up the plant with the leaf spot] You know what you've done? You've disappointed me. Oh dear, oh dear. Everyone! Say goodbye to your friend. He just couldn't cut it. Now this is going to hurt you... SO much more than it will hurt me. And you guys,
- Crowley: [screams at the rest of his plants] GROW BETTER!
- Aziraphale: Evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction. No matter how well-planned, how foolproof an evil plan, no matter how apparently successful it may seem upon the way, in the end it will founder on the rocks of iniquity and vanish.
- Aziraphale: Watch out for that pedestrian.
- Crowley: She's on the street. She knows the risk she's taking.
- Wensleydale: Actually there are no more witches because we invented science. And all the vicars set fire to the witches for their own good. It was called the spanish inquisition.
- Adam Young: I don't reckon it's allowed going round setting fire to people. Otherwise peolple'd be doing it all the time.
- Brian: It's alright if you're a vicar and it stops the withces from going to hell. So I expect they'd be quite grateful if they understood it properly.
- Agnes Nutter: [Greets the mob at her front door] Thou-Shall-Not-Commit-Adultery Pulsifer! You're 30 minutes late.
- Sandalphon: Something smells... evil.
- Aziraphale: Oh, that'll be the Jeffrey Archer books, I'm afraid.
- Crowley: If we don't find him, it won't be the war to end all wars. It'll be the war to end everything.
- Crowley: Are you alright?
- Aziraphale: Perfectly, yes. Uh, tip-top. Absolutely tickety-boo.
- Crowley: Tickety-boo?
- Agnes Nutter: Adultery Pulsifer... good people, thou art tardy. I should have been aflame 10 minutes since.