Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.31 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : I am hesitant to say that the president has hit a new low, 'cause you'll think it's a repeat.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It's not. It's October 20, 2017. A week for the history books; also for the books about abnormal psychology.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : So, here's what America was debating about this week. On Monday, Trump called the pregnant widow of a dead American soldier to console her, and wound up pouring salt in the wound and feuding with her all week.

  [in a sarcastic impression of Trump] 

  Himself - Host : Who knew empathy was so complicated?

  [laugher] 

  Himself - Host : I mean, if you can take a week where it was revealed that Harvey Weinstein sexually assaulted every single female in show business and still be the worst fat, gross creep?

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : That's pretty good.

• Himself - Host : All of this came about because the same Trump pattern: bluff, lie, attack. Because, you know, he doesn't know anything. So when he's asked about something, he's got to bluff.

  [scattered laughs] 

  Himself - Host : And then when they call him out... and then they call him on the bluff, then he lies. And then when they call him on the lie, he attacks. So, this is exactly what happened. Three weeks ago, four of our Green Berets were killed in the African country of Niger, and Trump didn't say anything for two weeks. But someone put him on the spot about it last week, so he bluffed and said "I wrote them letters." Of course, he didn't. He probably didn't even know about them because they didn't do anything that would get on his radar, like kneel at a football game.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Calm down, Bill. We're only...

  [he laughs] 

  Himself - Host : We're only, like, two minutes into this story. I'm gonna... my head's gonna explode. Anyway... but then he says "Forget the letters. I was just waiting for the right time to call", which, in the case of the widow of Sgt. La David Johnson, turned out to be when she was in the car going to the airport to accept the body. This is when Trump thinks it is a good time to say to her "He knew what he signed up for."

  [murmurs and "oohs"] 

  Himself - Host : Somewhere, Rex Tillerson is saying "I told you he was a moron."

• Himself - Host : And then Trump drags General John Kelly, his Chief of Staff, into this because Kelly's own son was killed in Afghanistan. "And Obama never called." So he sends out Kelly yesterday to defend his own inept call and stupid lies, and I feel bad for General Kelly, having to defend this vile nincompoop. On the... on the other hand, he knew what he signed up for.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Now, look, I know General Kelly is the only thing that stands between us and World War III, but this was not his finest hour. He spent a lot of time smearing this Congresswoman who was in the car, doing her job, and she was a friend supporting the widow when Trump's call came in. So Kelly does what Republicans always do; they invent new rules. I thought I had New Rules.

  [laugher] 

  Himself - Host : No, they have new rules. Like... like, you know, if you-if you criticize the president overseas, it insults the troops. "'Oh, is that...?' Yeah, we... that's always been." No, they just... so, he invents this new rule, a phone call from a president to a widow is sacred, and if it comes on a speakerphone, you can't listen in.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : First of all, she wasn't "listening in". She didn't tap the woman's phone; she happened to be in the car. And also, what kind of cretin in the whole history of the world has ever had to deny something he said during a *conodolence call*?

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Then... so, then General Kelly laments a short list of things that would always, i-i-in his... in his youth he said always thought would be sacred, but no longer are. And he says "Women. Gold Star families. Above all, this what we should hold sacred, women and Gold Star families. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to defending my boss, the pussy grabber who insults war widows."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Really? Oh, and it actually gets worse. Because of this subject coming up, we found out this week that back in June, Trump was on a condolence call to a father of someone who died, and apparently was so moved by his plight, he said "I'm gonna do what no president's ever done. I'm gonna write you a personal check for $25,000." And then never sent it. Or what he calls "The Art of the Deal".

• Himself - Host : You know, he needs that 25 grand because this happened this week; Donald Trump dropped 92 spots on the Forbes list of richest Americans. He was...

  [scattered applause] 

  Himself - Host : Oh, also dropped to number two on Forbes' list of disgusting sex predators, so...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It was a terrible week. Oh, the-the right wing... I mean, not that he isn't a horrible sleaze, Harvey Weinstein, but the right wing media frenzy over Harvey Weinstein... I tell you, the men of Fox News are like "Those of us who are left here are outraged!"

• Himself - Host : And, you know, it is important to remember why all this sideshow shit is going on. There... you know, real policy moves are being made that affect all of our lives. I mean, this... just this week, Trump's trying to dismantle Obama's Iran deal, Obama's clean power plan.

  [off the audience reaction] 

  Himself - Host : One guy, I know.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [to offstage]  Eric, you brought a friend.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Uh... trying, of course, to get rid of Obamacare. I mean, everything Obama touched has got to go. You know those Confederate statues in the South that are such an eyesore? It's too bad Obama didn't put them up, 'cause they'd all be gone by now.

• Himself - Host : But let's end on a happy note. I know Angelinos are thrilled; it's not my team, but the Dodgers are in the World Series.

  [applause] 

  Himself - Host : And... so, I know... no, the Dodgers are such a favorite to win, they have already declined their invitation to the White House.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And... and you folks around the country should know, if you're gonna watch the World Series, uh, Dodger fans are notorious for showing up late and leaving early. Like Trump in Puerto Rico!