- Michael: It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior and explanations of the torture they earned.
- Jason Mendoza: Is there a gift shop?
- Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.
- Michael: Hey, guess what? I just solved the trolley problem. Remember? The thought experiment where you're driving the trolley and you can either plow into a group of people or turn and hit one person? I solved it.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That's really great, but I don't think now's the time.
- Michael: See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die. And the actual solution is very simple: sacrifice yourself.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What does that mean?
- [Michael takes off his portal lapel pin and puts it on Eleanor]
- Michael: You look after the others. They need you.
- Tahani Dummy: I'm Tahani al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention-seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion... which I've been to, by the way.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: [whispering] I have, actually. It's remarkable.
- Tahani Dummy: It's remarkable.
- Chidi Dummy: I'm Chidi Anagonye. Or maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything. Or maybe I can. Aww, I can't decide. My stomach hurts.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [to a glaring Chidi] What? They kind of nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff.
- Eleanor Dummy: I'm Eleanor Shellstrop. I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That's fair. That's a fair hit.
- Jason Dummy: I'm Jason Mendoza. Duh...
- Jason Mendoza: [laughing] That's me!
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Let's practice. I'm going to make a simple request, and you're going to give me that patented Bad Janet attitude. Can I have a glass of water?
- Janet: [hands Tahani a glass of water] Here you go.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: No. Let's try again. Be mean. Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water?
- Janet: No. I would never give you that, you... dumb person...
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Janet, what's that behind your back?
- Janet: Nothing.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Give it to me.
- Janet: [sheepishly] It's a glass of water. And a back-up glass. Ooh, boy.
- Jason Mendoza: Forget this plan! I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and run through the portal.
- Chidi Anagonye: I think we should go with Michael's plan.
- Jason Mendoza: I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: He makes a strong case.
- Petruchio: All right, everyone, we've got a lot of work to do. Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall?
- Bad Janet: Why don't you roll off your mom and do it yourself, you fat dink?
- [they both laugh]
- Petruchio: [to a disguised Good Janet] Set up more of those tables. We're expecting a big crowd.
- Janet: You got it, you piece of... butt.
- Jason Mendoza: I know what my secret identity is.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You cannot be Blake Bortles.
- Jason Mendoza: Fine. Then I'll be Jake...
- Chidi Anagonye: Don't say Jortles.
- Jason Mendoza: ...Jortles! And I work in the Molotov Cocktail department.
- Chidi Anagonye: I'm gonna be sick, and I don't want to go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet, and that makes you really confront what you're doing!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Look. Moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation. Like, let's say you promised your friend you'd go to the movies. But then your mom suddenly gets rushed to the ER. Your boy Kant would say never break a promise. Go see "Chronicles of Riddick." Doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet.
- Chidi Anagonye: Real example?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yep! But a moral particularist like me... I'm one now; I just decided... would say there's no absolute rule. You have to choose your actions based on the particular situation and right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation.
- Chidi Anagonye: I don't think I can change what I believe just like that!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal Hell, lecturing my teacher/ex-lover about moral particularism, but life throws you curveballs, bro! And need I remind you it was doing things your way that made you end up here.
- Michael: See, the judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.
- Jason Mendoza: Ooh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N' Fruity!
- Michael: No. Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.
- Jason Mendoza: [beat] Okay. I'll get eggs, then.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Look... if you don't want to lie because it conflicts with your moral principles, I get it. No one's going to be mad at you.
- Chidi Anagonye: Really?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, dumbass! I'm lying to make you feel better. See? Sometimes lying is awesome.
- [gasps]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Plus I just said "dumbass". Oh, cursing, how I've missed you.
- Jason Mendoza: I don't know. This plan seems complicated.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
- Jason Mendoza: They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes. But oranges you don't?
- Chidi Anagonye: Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a judge who is going to judge us. What if I lie down here and I lose 12 points, and then we get in front of the Judge, and I'm 12 points short? Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all because we lied to get there? Kant says that lying is always wrong, and I follow that maxim.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: So you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man. We're behind enemy lines!
- Chidi Anagonye: Well, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose when you're going to follow them. I won't lie about who I am.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Okay. I understand, and I'm cool with it.
- Chidi Anagonye: You're lying right now, aren't you?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yes. I want to strangle you.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Hear me out. What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? Like Jonathan Dancy says.
- Chidi Anagonye: Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?
- Janet: I have gained a lot of new skills recently. For example, I learned how to be passive-aggressive. Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed!