- [the senior officers are discussing inexplicable event that have been occurring on the Orville]
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Wait. Isaac, what about the plasma storm? Is it possible that it affected us or the ship in some way?
- Isaac: How so, Commander?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I'm not sure. This is gonna sound like I'm talking out of my ass...
- Isaac: Then please try to enunciate.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, it's a figure... never mind.
- Dr. Claire Finn: I'm hungry. Will somebody get me a pizza?
- Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: What kind of pizza?
- Capt. Ed Mercer: She's not getting a pizza.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: I think it's only prudent at this time to advise everyone to be on the lookout for pies
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: [Reading condolence note over Captain Mercer's shoulder] "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Payne, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Your son was such a neat guy." I mean that's - that's terrible!
- Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm not a writer, okay?
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: Was it a circus clown or a hobo clown or what?
- Lt. Alara Kitan: What's the difference?
- Lt. John LaMarr: Hobo clowns are the most dangerous because they're hungry.
- Dr. Claire Finn: Captain. Do you ever sit in your quarters and look out the window? Do you ever stop and watch the darkness out there? It's very, very dark in space. Look so empty. But there are terrors lurking all around us in the infinite shadows. You can't see them, but they are there.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: All weapons are to be kept on stun. We want the clown alive.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: Captain?
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Yeah.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: I think it's only prudent to caution everyone to watch out for pies.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: At this point, anything is possible. So, yes... pies, seltzer bottles, balloon animals... be alert.
- Dr. Claire Finn: You both saw it.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Saw it. Felt it. Almost got swallowed up by it.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Doctor, these things cannot possibly be real. Is there a chance we're dealing with some kind of... collective insanity? A... a brain virus of some sort? Could somebody have put peyote in the food synthesizers? Maybe we're all just really stoned.
- Isaac: I am afraid we cannot end the simulation at this time.
- Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac, look at her bio-signs. Her adrenaline levels are through the roof.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Isaac, shut it down, now!
- Isaac: I am sorry, Captain. I do not have the authority to do so. Lieutenant Kitan has exercised directive 38 in the execution of this program.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: No bare feet in the engineering section? What does that have to do...
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No, 38.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, 38. Wait a minute, she exercised directive 38 for this?
- Dr. Claire Finn: What does that mean?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: It's an extreme crisis-only regulation that allows the chief of security on board a starship the ability to override all other clearance. Including the captain's.
- Dr. Claire Finn: What in God's name for?
- Capt. Ed Mercer: In the rare case that the captain has been compromised in some way; alien influence, extreme drunkenness, that kind of thing. If they use it and they're wrong, it's a career-ender. And it's definitely not meant to be used for something like this.
- Isaac: You asked to be subjected to a variety of frightening situations, so I designed a program based on inquiries conducted with the crew, in order to select a number of baseline phobias with which to populate the program.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: The simulation began in the corridor, right before you saw the clown.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: But how did you...
- [realizing]
- Lt. Alara Kitan: A memory wipe.
- Dr. Claire Finn: If you knew you were in a simulation, the fear wouldn't be real. So you needed a short-term memory wipe to erase any knowledge of the request. It's a risky procedure, but you told me it was essential for the protection of classified security material. I ought to write you up for lying to a medical officer.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Wait, so who's afraid of clowns?
- Lt. John LaMarr: That's me.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: You really are afraid of clowns?
- Lt. John LaMarr: Yes. Please stop saying the "C" word.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Alara, you invoked directive 38 to prevent us from shutting down the program when it got too hot in there. I ought to court-martial you on this very spot for the position you put us in. We were really worrried about you.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I am so sorry. I mean, I don't... I don't remember it, but still, I'm sorry.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: I'm letting it slide because no one got hurt. And also because you owned every crisis Isaac threw at you.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Every insane situation you were up against, you handled like a first-rate officer.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: There should be no doubt in your mind that you are capable of doing your job.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: [with John, dressed in colonial outfits and carrying antique pistols] Oh, hey. We have the simulator at 3:00. How much longer are you guys gonna be?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Just give us a minute, okay?
- Lt. John LaMarr: Oh, yeah. No, it's fine.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: [they turn to leave] Yeah. Why even have reservations?
- Steve Newton: Harrison was a great guy. We met at camp the summer after eighth grade when he gave me the Heimlich maneuver after I accidentally swalled a wine cork. Harrison and I went through a lot together. He was my best friend. And it's fitting that his last name was Payne because he probably died in a lot of it. Which is exactly the kind of thing he would find funny, in case anyone was planning on getting mad at me.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I would like to submit my official resignation.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: What?
- Lt. Alara Kitan: I am neither fit nor qualified to be chief of security aboard the Orville or any other starship.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Look, I understand you're feeling guilty about the whole...
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Lieutenant Payne died because I was too afraid to do my job.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: No, he died because in a crisis situation, things happen that you can't control. Payne knew the risks of this uniform, just like the rest of us.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Captain, I could've moved that bulkhead with one arm. But I didn't. Because I was scared. Harrison is dead because I was scared.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: People seem to think that being brave means not being afraid. The way I see it, if you're not afraid, there's nothing to be brave about.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Tell that to Harrison's parents.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Can we just have one conversation where you don't attack my choice to join the Fleet? Please?
- Ildis Kitan: We just want what's best for you, and we feel the military is beneath you. It's what any parent would say to their child.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Any parent on Xelayah. You do realize that there are planets where a military career is a very honorable thing. The humans view it with great respect.
- Ildis Kitan: [dismissively] Well, yes, the humans. The hillbillies of the galaxy.