Schitt's Creek (TV Series)
Dead Guy in Room 4 (2018)
Catherine O'Hara: Moira Rose
Quotes
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Patrick Brewer : You're legally prohibited from providing drugs to your guests so by not giving him anything you've actually avoided any liability in his death
Moira Rose : Well, there you have it. I'm so glad you're he Pat
Patrick Brewer : Rick, Patrick!
Moira Rose : You know how carried away David can get?
Patrick Brewer : Oh, I do!
Moira Rose : I'm heading back to the scene.of.the.crime. Of which I had nothing to do.
[Moira sticks a piece of cheese in her purse]
Patrick Brewer : Can I ring that up for you?
Moira Rose : I paid too much for a wedge of brie last week so let's call it even.
David Rose : I don't think it works like that.
Moira Rose : Alexis was right. He's a button!
David Rose : Thanks.
Patrick Brewer : [Sounding upset] So you told your mom about us?
David Rose : No, I told Alexis about us and she likely told my mother!
Patrick Brewer : Listen, David?
David Rose : No! You listen!
[Patrick looks surprised]
David Rose : Sorry, that came out way harsher than I wanted it to. I know how this looks considering you told me that you want to take this slow but me wanting to sleepover at your house
Patrick Brewer : I know and I'm sorry for assuming that you just wanted to come over to my house just to sleep with me or whatever!
David Rose : It was purely because there was a dead body in one of the rooms.
Patrick Brewer : I know.
[Short pause]
Patrick Brewer : You know? When you kissed me it felt like my first time. All of those things that you're supposed to feel? I felt them last night.
David Rose : Well, if we're being honest with each other it felt like my first time too. I mean it's not. I've kissed like a thousand people before but nobody that I cared about, or liked, or thought was nice. So in a way we're both starting something new!
Patrick Brewer : Thank you, David. And for the record, I respect you and think that you're a good person.
David Rose : [thinks for a minute] It's just that I said "nice" person.
Patrick Brewer : I know.
[Patrick leans in, wraps his arms around David's waist, and kisses David]
David Rose : I need you to say "nice" person!
Patrick Brewer : You're a good person David!
David Rose : That's not nice!
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Moira Rose : Ding a ding!
[Stepping inside]
Patrick Brewer : Oh hey, Mrs. Rose! I was just taking this into the back.
[lowers his voice to a whisper to David]
Patrick Brewer : Maybe we can talk about this later?
David Rose : Oh no, it's nothing. It's just some crossed wires. May I help you?
Moira Rose : It's eerily quiet in here David is that a good sign?
David Rose : What are you doing here?
Moira Rose : Do you know what I'd like? A tea?
David Rose : We don't sell tea.
Patrick Brewer : I was just going to make a run to the cafe I can get some tea for you if you want?
David Rose : No, that's not necessary.
Moira Rose : Yes, it is. Thank you, Peter!
Patrick Brewer : It's Patrick. Can I get you anything else?
Moira Rose : Nothing for me thank you just a scone.
Patrick Brewer : The tea?
Moira Rose : Yes, thank you.
David Rose : I was in the middle of a pretty important conversation.
Moira Rose : I'm sorry to bother you David but I had nowhere else to turn. It's probably nothing but I think I've killed a man! I don't know what to do David. I haven't been this upset about something since I played Lady McBeth on a Blue Skies Cruise ship during Shakespear at Sea week.
David Rose : I don't know what to do either because you haven't told me what happened?
Patrick Brewer : [Patrick returns from the cafe with a cup holder in his hand] One tea for you. One Macchiato, with skimmed, two sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder for you.
Moira Rose : Thank you. You're very speedy.
Patrick Brewer : Thanks. I wasn't sure about the scone so I got one just in case.
Moira Rose : There's nothing wrong with treating yourself, dear.
David Rose : Okay, I'm pretty sure he's ready to quit on me so could you please?
Moira Rose : I woke up this morning with a spring in my step!
David Rose : Start later, please?
Moira Rose : I didn't know what the day would bring?
David Rose : Fast forward it!
Moira Rose : I ran into the elderly gentleman outside of his room.
David Rose : And?
Moira Rose : He asked me for a painkiller but I told him I didn't have any.
David Rose : So?
David Rose : But I did have some. I had some sample packets in my purse. They were just sitting in a bowl in the pharmacy. But I refused the man and the next thing I know he turns out dead!
David Rose : So, why didn't you just give him the pill?
Moira Rose : Because David, I can barely accept the fact that I've resorted to hoarding sample packets of a basic pain medication let alone reveal it to the world.
David Rose : Are you sure the pills would have saved his life?
Moira Rose : We'll have to let the courts decide!
David Rose : THE COURTS? Well, now that you've unloaded this on me, what am I? An accomplice?
Moira Rose : David, I came to be talked off a ledge not pushed!
David Rose : Can you imagine this in prison?
Patrick Brewer : Can I interject? I know I wasn't supposed to be listening in on this conversation but it's a small space and your voices carry so beautifully. Mrs. Rose, I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about.
Moira Rose : That's so nice of you dear but now is not the time for well-intended complacency!
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Stevie Budd : [Knocks on Johnny and Moira's door] Mr. Rose, there's a dead body in room 4
Johnny Rose : Stevie come in!
Johnny Rose : I don't think that's a very relevant question, Moira. I mean we can't have people finding out that there's a dead body in the room
Alexis Rose , David Rose : Ooh!
Alexis Rose : There's a dead body in the room?
David Rose : I knew there was going to be a murder here so I'm just going to pack up and I assume we're moving out?
Johnny Rose : No, we're not moving out and everybody calm down. There hasn't been a murder here
Stevie Budd : The old man in room 4 died alone in his sleep.
David Rose : Why do I find that scenario to be even more bone-chilling than murder?
Moira Rose : Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie Budd : Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis Rose : I don't think you want that question to be answered.
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Johnny Rose : Oh good, I'm so glad you two are still here. We're going to need your room so pack up!
Alexis Rose : Um no!
David Rose : Absolutely not!
Johnny Rose : The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body and disinfect room 4 in time for check-in.
David Rose : Okay, every word of that sentence made me sick!
Moira Rose : I agree with David. We must move on from all of this.
David Rose : Did I say that?
Moira Rose : There's no use wasting time finding out what happened?
Johnny Rose : We're not trying to find out what happened Moira. We're trying to find a solution and I'm going to need to family's help
Alexis Rose : Why can't they stay in your room?
Johnny Rose : It will take a day just to rebox your mother"s wigs!
Moira Rose : Oh my god! Can you imagine? Not one of you is trained!
Johnny Rose : Okay, bottom line is we need your room so pack your things and we're going to set you up in our room!
Moira Rose : Okay, I've never just packed a bag so you might just have to give me a minute.
Alexis Rose : Yes, and I'm going to be sleeping somewhere else!
David Rose : Same!
Alexis Rose : Like literally anywhere else.
David Rose : Like an old tent on the side of the highway.
Johnny Rose : Alright enough let's just get going, please.
Moira Rose : Yes! Yes! Plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately, my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today! JOHN I HATE TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS!
Johnny Rose : Yeah, I know Moira! Busy! Busy! I want to room cleaned up in an hour!
David Rose : Okay, I'm going to need some dry cleaning bags and a padlock.
