Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.2 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : New rule: now that American Airlines has added a new class below Economy, Basic Economy, that doesn't allow carry-ons or choosing your seat, or anything and...

  [as he snickers, the audience laughs, too] 

  Himself - Host : ...they have to add a class below Basic Economy called Fuck You.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : No food, no drinks, no entertainment. The restroom is a bucket in the corner. And in case of an emergency, instead of an oxygen mask, a little sign drops down that says "fuck you".

• Himself - Host : [showing a picture of the Trumps at the White House]  New rule: wait for your wife.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : When they say "behind every great man is a woman", they don't mean twenty feet behind.

• Himself - Host : New rule: stop saying I have to see "La La Land". I'm skipping a movie, not denying the Holocaust.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : If I want to see a musical about an art snob who comes to L.A. and meets the girl who inspires him to open a nightclub, I'll re-watch "Xanadu".

• Himself - Host : All right, new rule: someone has to tell Trump's press secretary, Sean Spicer, who on Wednesday tweeted this...

  [laughter as a picture of said tweet is shown, featuring a gibberish combination of letters and numbers] 

  Himself - Host : True. And then on Thursday tweeted this...

  [a picture of another tweet is shown, again featuring a combination of letters and numbers] 

  Herself - Panelist : Oh, my god.

  Himself - Host : ...there's got to be a better way to pass secrets to Russia.

• Himself - Host : New rule: the interracial couple that gave birth to twins, one white and one black, must admit they toyed with the idea of naming them Michael and Jackson.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I'm kidding. Congratulations, and good luck not rolling your eyes when your liberal friends pretend they still can't tell them apart.

• Himself - Host : [calming down the audience]  People, take your pussy hats off and sit down.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : My god, there must be a million and a half people here, I tell you...

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Well, it's... it's day seven in the war on facts.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [laughing]  What the fuck is going on? I turned on my iPhone today to check the news, and Siri said "Are you sitting down?".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But, hey, you know what? We're still here.

• Himself - Host : There was a big women's march on Saturday. Yuge.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : You talk about yuge. Over three million around the world. They're... large... the largest gathering of women, uh, since the last time they collected the Bill Cosby victims together.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Very impressive; millions of women on all the continents. Hugging, crying, emoting. It was like the whole world turned into an Adele concert.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : It was awesome. Because there's something happening, and you can feel it. Finally, we have our own Tea Party.

  [cheers] 

  Himself - Host : Except with more teeth and...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...no spelling errors on the posters.

• Himself - Host : Now, of course, when President Trump heard, right outside the White House window, the women who were marching past him, in greater numbers than his own inauguration, he took it well.

  [laughter as he rolls his eyes] 

  Himself - Host : I'm kidding, of course. He got a bullhorn and started pointing out their body flaws. "Hey, Chubby, you could use a few!", "You're a four. Not interested!"

  [scattered laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And that's the President of the United States. And then we got down to the actual business of running a government, which Donald Trump apparently knows nothing about. He spent all week signing executive orders, in the super classy leather binders that look like the menu at Beefsteak Charlie's.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [pantomiming a menu in his hands]  "Uh, let's see... I'll throw out the Mexicans, and, uh... bring back torture, and the lady will have the filet."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : He keeps holding them up, after he signs them, like "Look. Look."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : "Look, Mommy, I... I finished my coloring."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "Maybe we could put it on the refrigerator."

• Himself - Host : The problem is that, you know, executive orders are a real thing. When Obama did them, he had the lawyers go over it, people knew it was happening, the departments. No one knows how these things are gonna work. No one knows where's the money coming from. They're just signed tweets.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You know? "We're gonna build a wall, done! No more Obamacare, done! I want a pony, done!"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I mean...

  [covering his eyes and snickering] 

  Himself - Host : You know, 'cause he's a doer. Everybody else is all talk; so, his first week was like "Oh, my god." It was like the last half-hour of "Goodfellas".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You know, when Ray Liotta is just coked out of his mind and doing ten things at once. He's dropping off the trunkful of handguns and he's making spaghetti sauce, and helicopters are chasing him. It can't...

  [laughing again] 

  Himself - Host : It can't really go on like this for four years, can it? I mean, I'm... I'm gonna lose my mind. I was watching CNN this morning, and I thought for the first time in my life "Hey, maybe I should ask my doctor if Abilify is right for me."

• Himself - Host : In just one week, a lot to be very alarmed about, but, uh... you know, I gotta put on the top of my list the fact that the President of the United States sees multitudes that do not exist. Twice he did that in one week. First, he insisted the crowd size at the inauguration was the biggest ever, and that aerial photography is just a theory.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But we saw this, we saw these pictures.

  [pictures are shown of Trump's inaugural crowd compared to Obama's in 2009] 

  Himself - Host : Half the Mall covered in whiteness. But enough about his supporters.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : No, I mean, he can't stand it that when it comes to the size of the crowd, Obama's was bigger.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : This... this is about cock, right? This is about dick! This is about a guy who never brought a woman to orgasm, that's what this is about.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : He probably doesn't even think it really exists in a woman. "It's rigged."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "The vagina is very rigged."

• Himself - Host : And then we're told, you know, that there are such things as alternative facts. That's what this week will be known for, "alternative facts". And Sean Spicer, his press secretary, about the crowd size, he just went "This is what the president believes."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "You're on your own." I think the difference between Scientology and Donald Trump is Scientology has better celebrities.

• Himself - Host : Here's how Sean Spicer explained alternative facts: he said it's like the weather report; one weather report comes out and says it's gonna be cloudy, another says there's gonna be light rain. No one lied to you. Yeah, you know, sometimes weathermen do disagree on what the weather's gonna be like tomorrow. But not on what is was like *yesterday*!

  [laughter, cheers, and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And... and, you know, then as if seeing a million people on the Mall that weren't there wasn't enough, Donald Trump later in the week says that there were three to five million illegal aliens who voted for Hillary Clinton, when they've studied this, there's, like, four.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Five million? How do we know this? A German golf pro...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...told a guy who told a guy who told a guy, and Donald Trump heard it. That the German guy was trying to vote in Florida, and couldn't possibly because he's a German citizen. But he saw Hispanic-looking people trying to vote. "Oh, my god, they must have been illegal. How else do you explain a Hispanic in Florida?"

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : So... we are, uh... we're off to a great start with the Hispanics. The president of Mexico was scheduled to visit here next week, but Trump tweeted "Well, if Mexico's gonna pay for the wall, he might as well just cancel his trip", and the Mexican president said "Okay."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : Well, you know what? Trump said he would keep the Mexicans out. There's one.