- [first lines]
- Fat Grandma: [narrating as she writes a letter] Dear Santa, I am one of your biggest supporters. You may not remember me, but as a little girl, I wished for three things: World peace, blueberries in the maple syrup and a cheeseburger pie made with sweet potatoes. Well, I got two out of three of those things because after having the best breakfast since the Great Depression, that no-good, two-timing Hitler stole my cottage and looted my collection of diamonds and bedtime stories involving a no-good Cinema Snob telling tales about axe murderers. I took that Hitler by the arm and made him cut the biggest switch from the oak tree. I paddled his bottom so raw he could never give a speech standing up again. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Make that no-good Cinema Scrooge review something wholesome for the family. And throw in that mean old Nostalgia McCritic for saying naughty things about my grandson little Matty Broderick. Sincerely and passionately, your luscious red-nosed Christmas warrior, Fat Grandma. PS: You can join me in any of my reindeer games.
- Santa Christ: [reading Fat Grandma's letter] Ho! Jiminy Christmas! Now that's what I call some Rankin-Sass! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Pardon the blushing, boys and girls, but as you know, Santa Christ brings all the ho, ho, ho's to the yard.
- Cinema Snob: But before that, they plow. And I mean they plow *hard!*
- Nostalgia Critic: [Looking at him disgusted] What?
- [Cuts to snowplowing scene]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you meant *snowplowing.*
- Cinema Snob: No, I meant fucking! I clearly got that scene wrong!
- Cinema Snob: Olivia shows them that Bob Revere wasn't telling the truth; there are still Christmas trees after all.
- Nostalgia Critic: Who's Bob Revere?
- Cinema Snob: A patriot. A motherfucking patriot.
- Derek: It's complicated.
- Olivia: No, it's not! It's not complicated at all! You just won't give her a chance! You don't give anybody a chance!
- Derek: Liv.
- Cinema Snob: You're seven! You still believe in Santa! Piss off!