- Dragon: Your bodies will stay here, and your souls will travel. You have 24 hours to return to the portal.
- Julia Wicker: Or?
- Dragon: I sit patiently, waiting for you to come back. No, I eat you - I'm a fucking dragon, what do you expect?
- Quentin Coldwater: I hate to bring this up, but I actually - I still have one a molar that never came in.
- Julia Wicker: Oh, I know an extraction spell.
- [Pops his tooth out]
- Quentin Coldwater: Ah! Fuck!
- Julia Wicker: Sorry.
- Quentin Coldwater: This dragon better be fucking cool.
- The Concierge: Wicker and Coldwater. Oh. Oh, my.
- Quentin Coldwater: What?
- The Concierge: You've both died 39 times.
- [Reads screen]
- The Concierge: Aha - time loop. Thought so. Our computers do not handle these well. This will take a bit to sort out. Once you're in the system, we'll reunite you with your immediate karmic circle, but until then, I'll need to stick you somewhere. Do you like skiing?
- Quentin Coldwater: Look, I thought this was just a way-station. We're kind of in a hurry-...
- The Concierge: Oh, it is. But souls do stay a while, until they're ready to move on. Snorkeling? Art museums?
- Julia Wicker: Actually, is it possible to check on a few names? I think I might have a karmic circle we could visit.
- Quentin Coldwater: Why would anyone want their afterlife to look like a terrible middle school birthday party?
- Julia Wicker: Is this about your "incident"?
- Quentin Coldwater: I moved on.
- Julia Wicker: Have you?
- Quentin Coldwater: Oh, my God, Julia! I - I got a strike.
- Richard: [Whispers to Julia] The thing about the Underworld is, the first week, it's always a strike.
- Julia Wicker: Let him have this one.
- [Cheers]
- Julia Wicker: Whoo! Go, Q!
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: It's dangerous.
- Sylvia: You know what's safe? Nothing. You're not responsible for me, okay? Free will, I exercise that shit.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: I'm gonna hate this.
- Sylvia: You hate everything. That's why I like you.
- Julia Wicker: "The old reveals itself to the new at the fall of milk teeth". Milk teeth?
- Quentin Coldwater: Oh, baby teeth. You think we have to stick one in to open it up?
- Julia Wicker: I mean, I could write a spell. Uh, we could find the nearest child's house expecting the Tooth Fairy and...
- Quentin Coldwater: Break in and steal their teeth?
- Julia Wicker: I'd leave money?
- Narrator: Congratulations, you're dead. You've passed through the veil to the Underworld. Is this your final destination? No. It's the first leg of your journey. We designed this part of the Underworld for you, based on your life and personal expectations to facilitate a comfortable transition. You've been grouped with others who have similar expectations. Perfect, right? This is your time to process and settle into this next stage of your existence. In the unlikely event you're missing your Shade, please report to a bellhop immediately. Enjoy your wait.
- Richard: Gods. We were right about them being real. Hades created the Underworld, runs it with his wife, Persephone. They live in a big house way over here. It's a beautiful area called Elysium.
- Menolly: Apparently, they used to come and go like clockwork every fall and spring, but a while back, they just disappeared.
- The Librarian: You're making progress.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Am I? Nothing's happening.
- The Librarian: It's an exceedingly difficult way to do magic. Trying to isolate muscles not generally associated with-...
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Call it what it is. Sphincter magic. Gets me there, no shame.
- The Librarian: And if it doesn't, we all need a healthy pelvic floor.
- Silver: Hun, you're gonna have to bowl.
- Quentin Coldwater: No, look, I had an incident when I was a kid. My fingers got stuck in the-...
- Menolly: Oh, get over it. Your girl would.
- [Nods to Julia]
- Quentin Coldwater: She's not my girl.
- Menolly: No shit. She's tough as granite. And you're afraid to bowl.
- Julia Wicker: [Sees a portrait] Who's that?
- Eugene: That's Ms. Persephone. She hasn't been here for a really long time and no one knows where she is.
- Julia Wicker: Thank you so much for all your help.
- [Eugene leaves]
- Julia Wicker: That's Our Lady Underground.
- Quentin Coldwater: What? The one that you-...
- Julia Wicker: [Turns to the portrait] So you were real all along, huh? Just completely AWOL. Self-centered bitch. We were so stupid to love you.
- Eliot Waugh: We're under attack. The Rattening, now reports of upside down rain.
- Tick Pickwick: Correct - as well as ant hills turning into volcanoes, the Balmy Sea turning to acid, and the mysterious disappearance of all blondes in the province of Crickety Cove.
- Rafe: The talking animals report this includes palomino horses. Also, every chicken in Fillory has laryngitis.
- Eliot Waugh: Idri's turned into a rat, so it isn't the Lorians. We've incapacitated the FU Fighters. That leaves the people in this room.
- Tick Pickwick: Your Highness?
- Eliot Waugh: If anyone has anything to say...
- Tick Pickwick: I'm embezzling funds from the royal treasury.
- [Gasps]
- Tick Pickwick: Why did I just say that?
- Eliot Waugh: Hah! Because there's truth serum in this wine. I've troothied you. Anyone else?
- Rafe: Abigail and I have been using the castle guards to run an escort service.
- Eliot Waugh: Gross. But clever. Doesn't help us.
- Julia Wicker: Um, we were looking for a Shade. Her name's Julia.
- Quentin Coldwater: Yeah, uh, she looks like her.
- Julia Wicker: Kind of. Um, and - Well, she's a - she's a mess.
- Eugene: We all were when we got here. Anything else?
- Quentin Coldwater: Um, she's brave. And funny, and she probably made friends with some of the most shy, maladjusted Shades.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Oh my god. You're like that whiny little kid in The Sopranos. Willow.
- Sylvia: Jesus Christ, you are lame.
- [rolls eyes]
- Sylvia: Please. And her name was Meadow.
- Margo Hanson: You truthied me. I can't lie. Eliot, I did this for you. There was no other way.
- Eliot Waugh: Don't. You started this when you declared war. Now my wife and child are gone. I need to deal with the rats. I can't risk having to clean up your next mess. Guards!
- Margo Hanson: No! Eliot! What are you doing?
- Eliot Waugh: I don't know what else to do.
- [to guards]
- Eliot Waugh: Take her to the dungeons.
- Margo Hanson: No!
- [guards grab her]
- Margo Hanson: Eliot, I'll fix this!
- Eliot Waugh: Make sure she gets the best room. And see that she gets her coconut oil. Goodbye, Margo.
- Josh Hoberman: You'll run yourself dead, doing everything on your own. Believe me, I know. Pass some shit down the chain to the governors or the dukes or whatever.
- [Eliot gives him a look]
- Josh Hoberman: You don't have any governors? No dukes?
- Eliot Waugh: Well-...
- Josh Hoberman: Get you some delegates, son.
- Eliot Waugh: Right, really good idea. Select governors. Yet another task for the High King.
- Josh Hoberman: Or you just hold an election. Let the people pick their own, you do nada.
- Eliot Waugh: That's-...
- Josh Hoberman: Stupid, is it stupid? I'm sorry.
- Eliot Waugh: Brilliant, Josh! I think you just invented democracy, and it's going to save Fillory.
- Richard: The underworld is massive. There's every ecosystem. Nearest we can tell, about 2,000 islands built to look like Hawaii.
- Quentin Coldwater: And you went with a bowling alley?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: You know, I never got your name.
- The Librarian: You may call me Head Librarian.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [Chuckles] And, uh what do I get to call you outside of work?
- The Librarian: I see what you're getting at. But interoffice courtship is expressly prohibited. I'm flattered, but rules are rule.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Are they? Always?
- The Librarian: Penny, please don't take it personally, but you're not my type. You're a touch emotionally insecure for which you compensate heavily with boisterousness and foul language.
- Fairy Ambassador: [after half the castle is turned into rats] That wasn't the fairies.
- Margo Hanson: Oh. Well, it sure smells like their whimsical bullshit.
- Fairy Ambassador: [Scoffs] "Whimsical". It's the mark of the stupid and the arrogant to attack what you can't comprehend.
- Margo Hanson: Fine. Get it out of your system. Then if you know what's going on, just tell me.
- Fairy Ambassador: I take it back. You're not entirely simple-minded. There's another power, which you made the mistake of overlooking.
- Margo Hanson: You want to be specific, or not?
- Fairy Ambassador: A power without logic. A power that acts, not for gain, but solely because it can. That's the true danger. Face that. Or face the end of your kingdom.
- Senator John Gaines: So they're taking your orders now?
- Reynard: Have been for a while. I controlled their minds. Just like you have many, many times.
- Senator John Gaines: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Reynard: You know you have that power. You've been using it your whole life.
- Senator John Gaines: I always thought I had some kind of god-level good luck.
- Reynard: True, you've only used it instinctively, but I'm here now. I can teach you how to use it at will. Easy. And once you've mastered it, that's how you get Cowden's vote.
- Senator John Gaines: I don't know that I want to do that. It feels like cheating.
- Reynard: They all don't cheat? Everyone uses whatever they've got, John, and the bad ones don't hesitate. So someone like you, someone who wants to do some actual good in the world, how can you not?
- Sylvia: You trying to fuck that librarian?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: No!
- Sylvia: I saw you. You want to fuck her. You want to lick her butthole, huh?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Whoa, Jesus, no!
- Sylvia: Then why are you scamming her so hard that I nearly blew you?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: I just need her name, okay?
- Sylvia: Oh, why didn't you ask? Here.
- [Shows him her lunch-bag]
- Sylvia: The "S" stands for Shot, or maybe it's Schiff. Let me know if you find anything gross in her book. I have a feeling she's a total freak in the sack.
- Julia Wicker: We're running out of time. We should split up.
- Quentin Coldwater: I kind of have a thing about splitting up in houses full of creepy kids
- Senator John Gaines: So it's all true. Those poor women.
- Reynard: [Scoffs] Those women were hardly victims.
- Senator John Gaines: They said they were just trying to summon a little help from some kind of goddess-...
- Reynard: [Yells] They were summoning an evil bitch!
- [Continues bitterly]
- Reynard: You looked me up, says trickster. See, that's honest. Yes, I fuck with the weak. You know what that does? Improves the herd. I help the same little creatures you want to help. It's not surprising, you're my son, how else could it be but her? The benevolent "Our Lady Underground". It is all about her. Power, attention, grinding men and gods into the fucking dirt and then she leaves!
- Sylvia: Is this all you guys do? Talk about your fee-fees? I was kind of hoping you'd get to fucking.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: How did you-...
- Sylvia: Oh, hopped into your mind when you hopped into hers. It's a little trick my dad's friends taught me.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Your dad's friends are perverts?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Thugs. Magic mobsters.
- Sylvia: No, they're not. Jesus.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Which is why I'm leaving. So's Willow.
- Sylvia: Meadow, doofus.
- Rafe: Your Majesty. Be careful.
- [Hands her a vial of liquid]
- Margo Hanson: So not a nice scotch, then?
- Rafe: It will transport you to the fairy realm. I must warn you, few return.
- Margo Hanson: But it is a chance to save Fen, the baby.
- Rafe: I would go, but-...
- Margo Hanson: You're a pussy who's in love with a sloth, who's currently a rat.