- Eliot Waugh: You faked your own death, and you moved to Vancouver?
- Nigel: Well, if I had to leave Fillory, Canada was the obvious second choice.
- Quentin Coldwater: Is that?
- Nigel: A screenplay for the failed 1983 feature film adaptation.
- Eliot Waugh: There was a "Fillory" movie?
- Quentin Coldwater: No, the studio wouldn't pay for the talking bears, so the director, he quit in protest. Can I?
- Nigel: Yeah.
- [Quentin opens the script]
- Quentin Coldwater: ...Wait, they changed the Chatwins into-...
- Nigel: Skateboarding Americans. I know, a travesty. And they got Jane completely wrong.
- Nigel: What is it that you enjoy about Fillory?
- Quentin Coldwater: Uh, it reminds me of a time before I realized how shitty being an adult is.
- Eliot Waugh: And there's opium in the air.
- Nigel: And how do you feel about turtles?
- Eliot Waugh: Indifferent, I guess.
- Quentin Coldwater: Not a fan.
- Nigel: Would you sleep easier knowing that your entire world rested on the back of one or several?
- Eliot Waugh: I have a kingdom to fix.
- Nigel: [laughs] You were never meant to fix Fillory.
- Eliot Waugh: Of course I was.
- Nigel: No, you were meant to entertain like some reality TV star. Oh, Ember must've found you so boring.
- Eliot Waugh: Boring?
- Nigel: Fillory was created out of the unification of opposites. Ember is a creature of entropy and chaos...
- Quentin Coldwater: And you have every season of "Law & Order" on DVD.
- Nigel: The most perfect show in creation. When Ember and I were together, there was balance. Without me, chaos reigns. Give up, Children of Earth. Fillory cannot be ruled.
- Nigel: It pains me, but I simply cannot go back to Fillory.
- Quentin Coldwater: So you're just gonna let Ember turn Fillory into a telenovela?
- Nigel: Well, you don't understand how he is. He pitted animals against each other by offering only the sexiest the ability to speak. Centaurs? Drunk off his chair, obviously. When he gets snacky, he talks about turning humans into rats.
- Eliot Waugh: Holy shit. Ember turned everybody into rats.
- Nigel: Oh, he finally did it. That's been on his bucket list for centuries
- Quentin Coldwater: [to Alice] I'm sorry I hurt you. I tried to do the right thing. But I'm not sorry that you're alive, and maybe that makes me selfish, but I - -
- [pause]
- Quentin Coldwater: The world's a better place when you're in it. Say the word, and I'll stay. If you want me to leave you alone for a while and figure this out on your own, I mean, let's face it. There's probably nothing that you can't figure out. You are Alice Quinn.
- Quentin Coldwater: How are you here?
- Eliot Waugh: I think, and by that, I mean I'm absolutely certain, that I was banished. Had to be. So in the books, Ember and Umber; before Martin offed him; they did this to the Chatwins all the time, right?
- Quentin Coldwater: Mm-hmm, um, yeah. When their adventure is done, or...
- Eliot Waugh: Or, what, Q? My pregnant wife is locked up in Fairy Gitmo. I'm betrothed to a rat. My Pinot Noir grapes are nearly ripe. My adventure's just begun.
- Nigel: As visitors to my previous work, you make for an excellent focus group for my new world.
- [Shows them a snow globe-esque trinket]
- Nigel: It's something I've been building. Testing a few things out. It's more of a pocket world, really. I call it Cuba.
- Eliot Waugh: That's already a place.
- Nigel: Is it?
- Eliot Waugh: Yes.
- Nigel: You're sure?
- Eliot Waugh: Absolutely sure.
- Nigel: Oh. Damn it.
- Margo Hanson: Listen, dipshit, you have to find Rafe, the squirrely little prick who works for the sloth. He got me here. He can get me back.
- Josh Hoberman: You could say "please".
- Margo Hanson: No, I literally could not. I'm going to go find Fen. You find a goddamn way to get me back.
- Sylvia: The Order thinks that once your book is written, your fate is sealed.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Well, I've never seen a book be wrong. You?
- Sylvia: No, but I saw them reshelve your book 39 times. Time loops exist, then I'm team Sarah Connor: "No fate but what we make".
- Senator John Gaines: Do you ever think about where you'd be if he hadn't...
- Julia Wicker: Raped me? No, I try to focus on who I was. It's getting harder, though.
- Senator John Gaines: Reynard thinks he broke you, that there's no coming back from what he did. Do you think that's true?
- Julia Wicker: I hope not.
- Senator John Gaines: Well, whatever happens, don't let him be right.
- Eliot Waugh: Give us the clock.
- Nigel: Why do you care? Fillory's on its last legs. Everything you've said tells me Ember is tired of the game. He's likely to smash the place like a toddler. Trust me, that'll be it. End of Fillory. And don't get sentimental.
- Eliot Waugh: We aren't ready to walk away yet. We know you still love Fillory. You literally have every memento to prove it. If you can't fix it or won't save it, then let us try. Please.
- Nigel: You love Fillory.
- Eliot Waugh: It's my home.
- Nigel: Then the clock is yours, Your Majesty. But heed my warning. Nothing entertains Ember more than a whimsical death.
- Alice Quinn: I'm stuck in this - this oily, disgusting cage, and I - I can't even fucking see. I can't do anything.
- Mayakovsky: On the contrary, you're finally in a position to do something interesting.
- Alice Quinn: Fuck you, what do you know?
- Mayakovsky: I know, as niffin, you care about nothing but your own mind, so congratulations, a perfect life with zero meaning. Now as human...
- Alice Quinn: Humans are weak pieces of shit.
- Mayakovsky: Do you know what magic is? Energy capable of making this shithole world one fractional speck less unbearable because we shits try so fucking hard, and that - that is not weakness. Believe me. You don't like this world? Good, you see its faults. It gives you focus and solitude to actually fix it.
- Eliot Waugh: Okay, so the plan so far is, find a way to stay in Fillory and never get banished again. Find a way to stop Ember or drive him out or, I don't know, anything but letting him get so bored he decides to just shake the Etch A Sketch and end our kingdom, everyone I care about, and the Well Spring in the process. So, thoughts?
- Quentin Coldwater: You're talking about conquering Fillory.
- Eliot Waugh: For its own good.
- Quentin Coldwater: Your plan is the exact same as The Beast's was.
- Eliot Waugh: Shit.
- [sighs]
- Eliot Waugh: Do you got a better idea?
- Mayakovsky: No one has ever brought niffin back to life. Many try, but all blaaagh
- [Makes various gagging noises]
- Quentin Coldwater: We have something that no one else has ever had. We have Alice's shade. The meta-math has never added up before, but with this...
- Mayakovsky: Still tremendously bad idea.
- Julia Wicker: Fine, fuck him. He won't help us. We'll take it to Dean Fogg.
- Mayakovsky: With one morning fart, I release more magic than Henry Fogg has in his whole life.
- Sylvia: The Poison Room Fountain has a stack of books for a statue. If we split up, we can probably find it within a matter of weeks.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Weeks? Oh, no, no. I got this. Think hours.
- Sylvia: What makes you so cocky?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Cause I'm a traveler. And for once, it's not totally fucking me.
- Tick Pickwick: Both the high king and queen have vanished leaving you the only Child of Earth in Fillory.
- Josh Hoberman: Oh, my God. They were my ride home!
- Tick Pickwick: On to business, then. Half the court are still rats. The talking beavers are in revolt. They're demanding dental coverage.
- Benedict Pickwick: And the Measly Mountains, they've disappeared. Completely just - -
- [Josh moves to sit in the throne]
- Rafe: Stop! The thrones are cursed.
- Josh Hoberman: Okay, is anything not fucked?
- Tick Pickwick: Your High Kingliness, perhaps this is all too much for you.
- Josh Hoberman: There was a great king on Earth who had a philosophy: "Hakuna matata". Roughly translated, it means, "no worries". That's my philosophy too. Who gives a shit about a few Measly Mountains?
- Benedict Pickwick: But-...
- Josh Hoberman: Erase them. Bring in the talking rats to translate for the rat people, and we are giving all those beavers braces because they deserve it. Say it, Tick.
- Tick Pickwick: Hakuna matata.
- Margo Hanson: Why the fuck are you taking a nap instead of looking for me?
- Josh Hoberman: Margo? I thought you were banished.
- Margo Hanson: No, dumbass, I'm stuck in the Fairy Realm. How can I see you?
- Josh Hoberman: [Looks at his bong] Oh, shit, she must've mixed in the wrong strain. We wanted "bang like happy pandas", not "see other worlds". Never let an amateur pack your bong.
- Sylvia: I've been hidden away in a library for the last year. No TV, no Wi-Fi, had to find some way to entertain myself, so I started reading Kanye's book.
- [Penny looks at her]
- Sylvia: By the way, he's really misunderstood. Anyway, right in the middle of a sex scene, the book just stopped.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Kanye dies during sex?
- Sylvia: That's the weird part. There were 20 more pages, all blank.
- Sylvia: Every other book I checked of somebody alive right now ends in 20 blank pages. The Order's known about it for years - they call it the Great Blank Spot, some kind of cataclysmic badness.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Well, what causes it?
- Sylvia: They don't know, just that it happens soon, like, weeks.
- Julia Wicker: I got my shade back. And then I lost it again. For good. But, I also discovered I don't have to be like the Beast. With the right help, I can do good. I just have a chip missing.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: What do you want from me, Julia?
- Julia Wicker: To be the missing chip. Tell me when to tap on the brakes.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: *Tap*?
- Julia Wicker: Slam on them. I trust you. I need you.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: [sighs] Shit. Okay, we can try it. The thing is, I think I kind of need you too right now.
- Reynard: Are you still trying to be a good person? As if there is such a thing. Left alone, you would fight and fight against your nature. And you would waste so much of what you really are.
- Senator John Gaines: If you think doing this is going to turn me into you, you don't understand people at all.
- Reynard: I've been at it a long time. Look at Julia. I put a tiny black spot on her soul and she scrubbed it so much, she put a hole in it. She can never go back to who she is. And now, neither can you.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: When they named it the Poison Room, just how literal do you think they were being?
- Quentin Coldwater: You are a *god* of Fillory. Why are you just sitting here and letting your brother shit all over it? You let The Beast happen. You shut out a child who needed shelter, and when he became a monster, you ran. You hate chaos? Then *fix* the chaos that you created.
- Nigel: You're right. But some mistakes cannot be repaired. And from those, we must move forward. And I shall try to avoid repeating such mistakes in my new world.
- Julia Wicker: It's you. You ignored us, and now you're here? All of a sudden? Why?
- Our Lady Underground: To ask you to spare his life.
- Julia Wicker: I don't understand. Why do you care?
- Our Lady Underground: He's my son.
- Julia Wicker: Did you know what he was doing?
- [She looks downcast]
- Julia Wicker: Of course you did. He raped me. Your son. I'd be sobbing and telling you every detail, but I lost my Shade in the abortion, so you're just gonna have to take my word for it.
- Our Lady Underground: Let me deal with him.
- Julia Wicker: Why would I trust you? Come the fuck on, lady.
- Our Lady Underground: There are consequences to killing a god, Julia.
- Julia Wicker: I lost my friends. I lost everything. He turned me into a monster.
- Our Lady Underground: [Solemn] You're a survivor. You're still capable of mercy, Julia. Don't let him rob you of that.