- Margo Hanson: That sloth is psychotic.
- Eliot Waugh: It's all psychotic. Did you hear how Tick said "commoners"?
- Margo Hanson: When we're the least snobby people in a room, there's something wrong with the room.
- Fen: My King. I have the best news.
- Eliot Waugh: If that rabbit was a prosecco, I'd agree.
- Fen: This isn't just a rabbit.
- Rabbit: Pregnant!
- Eliot Waugh: Jesus.
- Fen: We're going to be parents!
- Eliot Waugh: That rabbit knows if you're-...
- Rabbit: Pregnant!
- Eliot Waugh: Okay, okay.
- Fen: You're not smiling.
- Eliot Waugh: I'm sorry. It's just, you see-...
- Rabbit: Pregnant!
- Eliot Waugh: Okay, rabbit! Chill.
- Quentin Coldwater: Is everybody out here really so lifeless?
- Emily Greenstreet: Yes, we are. We are. That's why we drink.
- Quentin Coldwater: Well I drank just fine as a magician.
- Emily Greenstreet: Yeah because your world was so overwhelming and scary and you needed a break from it all. Now you're going to drink because each day is so goddamn dull and that takes a lot more booze.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: [about his hands] They're useless, right?
- Mayakovsky: Well, maybe not useless. You can still grab hold of things, wave hello, rub away a lonely night.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Okay, but for magic?
- Mayakovsky: For magic? Useless.
- Eliot Waugh: I'm Eliot, High King of Fillory.
- Bayler: And I'm Bayler, a proud soldier of Fillorians United. A FU fighter.
- Margo Hanson: ...Did you say, "Foo Fighter"?
- Eliot Waugh: Margo, behave.
- Emily Greenstreet: Were you masturbating in your office?
- Quentin Coldwater: NO!
- Emily Greenstreet: Whatever. I do.
- Quentin Coldwater: What is this place?
- Margo Hanson: You are a king. Act like it.
- Eliot Waugh: I'm not just a king. Fen's pregnant. I'm gonna be a father. And I would like to raise my child in a world that does not just kill its problems away. We hear them and we address them accordingly.
- Margo Hanson: That is fucking stupid. You wanna rule a kingdom? Guess what. People are gonna die no matter what. Just trying to make sure that it isn't you, okay?
- Margo Hanson: [after an assassination attempt] Shittiest. Security. Ever.
- Eliot Waugh: So what are we supposed to do? Ship him back to Loria?
- Tick Pickwick: Actually, Your Highness, he's not from Loria.
- Gillen: He's a native Fillorian.
- Eliot Waugh: My own people are trying to kill me? So French.
- Margo Hanson: When was the last time either of us dealt with a political insurgency?
- Eliot Waugh: Unless getting kicked out of a fivesome counts.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: [Talking about an abortion] I remember the night before. It - I felt I felt lonely.
- Julia Wicker: Yeah.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: But you're not alone. I'm your best bitch, remember?
- Eliot Waugh: You have 15 minutes to save your life. Tell me, if you were in charge, how would the FU Fighters fix Fillory?
- Margo Hanson: Eliot. We said we'd do whatever actually works.
- Eliot Waugh: Fine. I'll tell the council in the morning. But I'll do it. The man's life is my burden to bear.
- Margo Hanson: Get over yourself, Ned Stark.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: You know, dead or not, Marina could have been a little more specific. I still don't know what I'm looking for.
- Julia Wicker: Look, banishing Reynard had to take an insane amount of energy. So any sort of strange event or aberration.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Yeah, that's literally the definition of "news".
- Tick Pickwick: I urge a public execution, today.
- Gillen: Might I suggest strangulation? For the symbolism.
- Tick Pickwick: We don't wish to fall to his level. The Bed of a Thousand Spikes should do just fine.
- Rafe: [Translating for Abigail the sloth] Her Slowness suggests tying each of his limbs to a centaur, and as they stretch him, inch by inch, a fifth centaur sets the spike, if you will.
- Ardian: What are you still doing here?
- Quentin Coldwater: I'm just finishing up.
- Ardian: Gonna jerk it? Break in the office?
- Quentin Coldwater: No. What? No, I'm-...
- Ardian: It's the only place I can. Wife and two kids? No privacy at home.
- Quentin Coldwater: I'm not doing *that* here.
- Ardian: Just saying. It's no judgment.
- Julia Wicker: If we're gonna talk about what we did, then we have to call it what it is. It's stupid. It's so fucking stupid. It's the stupidest I've ever fucking been.
- Kady Orloff-Diaz: Reynard set us up.
- Julia Wicker: Yeah, but I should have known better. I knew the difference between magic and miracles. One is real and one is a lie with sparkles.
- Margo Hanson: The defenestration of Prague.
- Eliot Waugh: No, you already said that.
- Margo Hanson: There were two.
- Eliot Waugh: Mm.
- Margo Hanson: Look, any hope you had of saving this guy is out the window. Like the guys in Prague.
- Mayakovsky: Do you even like magic?
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Yeah. Like I like money or food or any other useful shit.
- Mayakovsky: Money and food don't explode in your face.
- Mayakovsky: There is bad surprise in store for everyone.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: What surprise?
- Mayakovsky: [Shows a chart] Energy current should be constant.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: But it's not. Why?
- Mayakovsky: There is something happening to magic.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: The wellspring in Fillory.
- Mayakovsky: The current is sputtering.
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: And they're trying to fix it.
- Mayakovsky: Maybe it's going to disappear. If that's the case-...
- William 'Penny' Adiyodi: Shit could get real.
- Mayakovsky: If magic goes, it will be very bad time to be Magician.
- Margo Hanson: We agreed to have the prisoner executed today.
- Eliot Waugh: We did. But I changed my mind.
- Margo Hanson: Well, I didn't. And I'm High Queen.
- Tick Pickwick: The queen may voice her opinion, but ultimate judgement belongs to the king.
- Margo Hanson: So this is what the patriarchy smells like? It's not the freshest.
- Mayakovsky: Ask yourself a question: What will a Magician need if dark days come? Answer: magic. But if it is gone, it is gone, you say. Not so, if you store it like a battery. That's what I am building. Those knots? Old class project, tied with magic. That table, stained through with magic. You release the energy, I store it for rainy day.