- Bill Maher - Host: What can I say? I think I know why you're happy tonight. Drugs.
- [audience laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: What else could it be? Yeah, let's start with the good news. California, Nevada, Maine, and Maryland legalized recreational marijuana.
- [whoops and hollers and applause]
- Bill Maher - Host: Florida and North Dakota. North Dakota's on the page now, with medical. This election gave us permission to smoke weed. And a reason we need to.
- [audience laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: Colorado legalized assisted suicide. I know what you're saying. "Road trip!".
- Bill Maher - Host: You know, Republicans, they didn't just win the White House. They won Congress; the Senate, the House of Representatives, which means they'll get the Supreme Court. It's a very good time to have "fuck you" money, and a bad time to be an animal or a plant.
- [audience laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: They're gonna... well, he wants to get rid of the EPA and replace the environment with something terrific.
- [audience laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: Uh... they are literally floating the idea of Sarah Palin for...
- [as the audience laughs, he snickers to himself]
- Bill Maher - Host: ...Secretary of the Interior. Interior! I... I'm not even sure she sleeps indoors.
- [audience laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: I mean, they're gonna get rid of Obamacare, probably get rid of Roe vs Wade. So, you know what? Enjoy your victory, Trump voters, 'cause when you're dying because you don't have health insurance to treat the infection you got from a back alley abortion you had to get 'cause of fetal lead poisoning, you can say to yourself "at least I didn't vote for someone with a private e-mail server."
- Bill Maher - Host: New rule: someone has to ask Michael Lee, who predicted twenty-three years ago in his '93 high school yearbook that the Cubs would win the World Series in 2016, "so, Mike, there wasn't some bigger event, something a little more consequential, you could have warned us about? Thanks for the... thanks for the heads up, Nostra-dumbass."
- Bill Maher - Host: New rule: Ruth Bader Ginsburg must live forever.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: And in the event she doesn't, the "Weekend at Bernie's" guys must prop her up and walk her around Washington for the next four years.
- Bill Maher - Host: New rule: it's now liberals' turn to become doomsday prepping gun nuts. They just need survival products tailored to our lifestyle, like freeze-dried kale and quinoa salad, pomegranate-scented emergency candles, camouflage in Pantone spring fashion colors of pale dogwood and hazelnut, and most importantly, the Apple iDefender.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: It's like any other shotgun, just twice as expensive, only accepts Apple's proprietary iShells, and they remove the barrel sight to make it thinner.
- Bill Maher - Host: New rule: stop saying it's just a tabloid rumor that Camilla Parker Bowles' gas is so bad they nicknamed her the Queen of Farts, and Charles has banished her from Highgrove House. One, I want to believe it. And two, I want England to take us back.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: And finally, new rule: now that president-elect Trump has set a record for getting white votes in America, we all must face up to one fact: the Anglo-Saxons are not sending us their best people.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: But we can't build walls. That's not the answer. Like it or not, we're living with Trump now, even though that kind of sounds like one of those prescription drug ads you hear on TV. "I'm living with Trump, but I'm not letting Trump control my life."
- Bill Maher - Host: So, one thing the pundits seem to agree on now is that America has never been so divided, although I'm thinking it may have been worse during the Civil War, but it's definitely the most divided I've experienced in my lifetime, and I lived through the traumatic punk vs disco wars of the 1970s.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: We've always had our disagreements here, but now half the country literally wants nothing to do with the other half. Our motto is no longer "E pluribus unum", it's "go fuck yourself". And that is not a sustainable way to live. What it reminds me of is, I think most people in their lifetimes have had the experience at one time or another of having to live with someone you hated. We've all been there, right? Some version of roommate hell, where if they were in the living room, you stayed in the kitchen, and if they were in the kitchen, you stayed in the living room, and if they were in the bathroom, you peed in a jar.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: You don't give him his phone messages, and while you're out, he drags his balls across your pillow.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: You could go weeks without acknowledging the other person; it was like living with a ghost who never washes the dishes. Eventually, you end up ignoring each other's existence, living in the same place but not really seeing each other, which is sad, but on the bright side it does prepare you for marriage.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: Well, that's where we are as a nation right now. I'm looking at all these jubilant Trump fans and thinking "What happened? I don't even know who you are anymore", and they're looking at us thinking "Fag."
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: But we're here. We're stuck here. Oh, sure, people talk about moving somewhere more progressive, like Canada or North Korea, but... but most of us Hillary voters still have a soft spot for this crazy, mixed-up country of ours. It's where we first learned to ride a bike, when we first ran after the ice cream truck, it's where we served as an altar boy in our church and later sued the church for what happened when we were altar boys.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: It's where we developed our first peanut allergies, got our first regrettable tattoos, huffed our first glue behind our first dumpsters. It's where we played Monopoly during summer vacations, never imagining that going bankrupt in Atlantic City was a stepping stone to the White House.
- [laughter and applause]
- Bill Maher - Host: Plus, all our stuff is here. It's tempting to want to divide America down the middle right now. I've actually been in the bad roommate situation, where you literally got white tape and made a line through the middle of the apartment. It's something they've tried on many, many sitcoms over the years, starting with "I Love Lucy", Lucy on one side, the Spanish-speaking immigrant on the other.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: She just wanted to make the living room great again.
- [laughter and applause]
- Bill Maher - Host: Maybe liberals and conservatives need couple's therapy, a safe space where liberals can say to conservatives "your obsession with guns makes me uncomfortable", and conservatives can say to liberals "we feel bullied when you demand that we make gay wedding cakes." But that's probably not gonna happen. You can unfriend someone whose politics you don't like, but you can't unfriend 47% of America. Roommates can move out, patriots can't. America needs you, more than ever, right here, with me and the rest of the resistance.
- [laughter and applause]
- Bill Maher - Host: Until we can figure out how to really make America great again. And don't ever let them forget...
- [putting on his "We're Still Here" ball cap]
- Bill Maher - Host: ...we're still here.
- Bill Maher - Host: New rule: now that Trump is president, I'm starting a new campaign: Make America Sleep Again.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: The American dream is dead because nobody can fall asleep. I've tried everything. Sleeping pills, counting sheep, talking to Dr. Ben Carson.
- [laughter]
- Bill Maher - Host: I'm afraid it's time to bring in the big guns, so does anyone here have the number for Michael Jackson's doctor?