Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #14.35 (2016)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bill Maher - Host : Finally, new rule: somebody has to tell me why America just made this guy so famous. This is Ken Bone, one of the undecided voters who asked a question at last Sunday's debate and since then has become a folk hero. Why?

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Why? Because after fifteen months of this campaign, he's still too stupid to pick Hillary over President Pussy Grabber?

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : For me, the great sadness of this election is knowing that even if Trump doesn't become president, we live in a country where half the people think he should be.

• Bill Maher - Host : I would really like to ask Mr. Ken Bone, or any undecided voter, as these last fifteen months rolled along, there was no breaking point for you? Trump saying he would kill the children of terrorists with drone strikes? Physically throwing out twelve million Mexicans, banning all Muslims, giving Saudi Arabia nukes, running a scam university, cheating veterans out of charity money, not paying taxes, picking Putin as his favorite leader, not being able to let go of a feud for a whole week with a beauty queen, the impressions of the handicapped, nothing? Last November, when Trump was losing in Iowa, he said, in Iowa, to Iowans...

  [archive footage of Trump saying "How stupid are the people of Iowa?"] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And now, he's leading in Iowa. So I guess he got his answer. That's how stupid.

• Bill Maher - Host : When asked "Does the Earth go around the sun, or the sun around the Earth", a full quarter of Americans said the sun revolves around the Earth, and the Earth revolves around NASCAR.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Americans know they live in the greatest country, but 35% can't name one branch of government. Only 36% can name all three. A full 80% think Ramadan is those noodles college kids eat.

• Bill Maher - Host : Folks, blowing up the world is something that could actually happen. If you don't think so, you haven't seen enough movies. Movies always foresee the future. Flip phones in "Star Trek". Touch screens in "Minority Report". Ipads in "2001: A Space Odyssey". Black presidents before Obama. Spectacular terrorist attacks on American soil before 9/11. "Network", in 1976, predicted Fox News and reality TV. And "Blade Runner" showed a future Los Angeles where life is bleak, overcrowded, and dehumanizing, and that's just on the 405.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And of course, "Forrest Gump" came out in 1994, years before we elected George W. Bush.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And what scenario... what scenario has Hollywood... what has Hollywood been envisioning lately?

  [to a laughing Andrew] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I'm making a serious point here.

  Andrew Sullivan - Panelist : I'm sorry.

  Bill Maher - Host : Earth after an apocalypse. "Hunger Games", "Divergent", "Mad Max", "V for Vendetta", "Maze Runner", "Matrix", "Interstellar", "The Postman", "The Book of Eli", "The Road", even little "WALL-E". And how did Earth reach this point in these movies? Always because we did it to ourselves. In "The Day the Earth Stood Still", Keanu Reeves plays an alien sent to Earth to exterminate mankind because stupid, selfish humans are destroying a perfectly good planet. He gets talked out of it, but it's not like he didn't have a point.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : In... in half of these movies, it starts with "After humanity destroyed itself in the great war, what was left of government decided human passions needed to be controlled." Controlled by Kate Winslet in "Divergent", Julianne Moore in "Hunger Games", Jodie Foster in "Elysium", Tilda Swinton in "Snowpiercer", Meryl Streep in "The Giver", who says, quote, "When people have the freedom to choose, they choose wrong." I know that makes her the bad guy, but did you watch the Republican primaries? I think I'm with Meryl on this one. If it's between letting these people...

  [showing a picture of average Americans] 

  Bill Maher - Host : ...decide things or a cold, technocratic boss lady in a pantsuit, I'll take the lady in the pantsuit.

• Bill Maher - Host : To save time, who here has not been groped by Donald Trump?

• Bill Maher - Host : [about the Donald Trump controversy]  I wish I could tell you how many women it is who are making accusations, but I haven't refreshed my server in ten minutes.

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I mean, my phone is blowing up. It's a Samsung; that's different.

• Bill Maher - Host : There's a lot of things people don't like about Hillary Clinton, but when she rubs you the wrong way, it's just an expression.

• Bill Maher - Host : Apparently Donald Trump is a little handsy. This is... Halloween, I got a great costume. I'm gonna glue a pair of tiny orange hands to my tits.

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And go as a Trump victim. I think it's gonna be terrific. Of course, some of these accusations of infidelity have been when he was married Melania, which is very sad. I... Melania, poor, sweet girl. She has, uh, locked herself in her packing crate and...

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : ...won't come out. It's very... it's so sad.

• Bill Maher - Host : The problem for Donald Trump with all these accusers is that there is a corroborating witness: Donald Trump.

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : You know, it was only a week ago, right? It seems like years ago, it was just one week ago when this news broke. Friday, we loved it, where Donald Trump was on Billy Bush's party bus.

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Saying "I'd better use Tic-Tacs in case I start kissing her." This girl they were looking at. "I don't wait" he said, "when you're a star, you can do anything. You can grab their pussy." And now he's outraged that women have come forward. "How dare you claim I did the things I claim I do."

• Bill Maher - Host : At the debate Sunday - did you see the debate Sunday? Okay, Anderson Cooper was asking him of this, he said when he tells people that he grabs women's pussies, it's not really true. "I'm not really a rapist. I just say that when I want people to like me."

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : "Come on, people, who are you gonna believe, me or me?"

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So... so Republicans are in a bit of disarray about this. There's a whole lot of finger pointing going on. People are saying "I told you we should have gone with Bill Cosby."

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... but most of them are sticking with Donald Trump. Why? Because the voters are sticking with Donald Trump. To the Republican base out there, this is not a deal breaker. "GOP" now stands for "Grab Our Pussies".

• Bill Maher - Host : This is not even the worst of it because, in my opinion, by his own admission, Donald Trump said, with the corroboration of a lot of people, that with the Teen Miss USA - the *Teen* Miss USA pageant - he used to walk in, unannounced, into the girls' dressing room. If... as if models need another reason to throw up.

• Bill Maher - Host : There's audio of Trump telling Howard Stern that "troubled teens are probably great in bed". Uh... there's a news article about him talking to a fourteen year old girl and saying "Just think, in a couple of years, I'll be dating you." And she shot right back "In a couple of years, I'll be voting for Hillary."

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : That's what she said. But... and then, again, with corroboration from actual videotape, Donald Trump, on an escalator, a ten year old girl goes by and he says "I'll be dating her". This is apparently his line. Republicans, your nominee for president has a pick-up line for underage girls.

  [scattered audience murmurs] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Ooh. Well, that brought the proceedings to a halt, didn't it?

• Bill Maher - Host : Florida is a climate-ravaged state full of old people, and they elected as governor a climate change denier who, when he was a businessman, oversaw the largest MediCare fraud in history. And it's not just Republicans. Five percent of Bernie's supporters have have switched allegiance to a ventriloquist dummy named Gary Johnson.

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Whose policy positions are almost uniformly the exact opposite of Bernie's and who, when pressed to name a foreign country, said "Brangelina".

• Bill Maher - Host : Okay, so, the "we go high" thing, you know, I... I... was looking on the Internet, and people are wearing t-shirts to Trump rallies that are just disgusting. "I Wish Hillary Had Married O.J.", "Trump That Bitch", "She's a Cunt". Lovely. "Vote For Trump". And I do think we should go high, and I'm gonna start next week.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : But until then, we're gonna go lower. But, you know what? Trump had it coming. So we made up some t-shirts that he should have to look at. And since they're t-shirts and it's, you know, ending the season pretty soon, we thought we'd fire them into the crowd.

• Bill Maher - Host : Pat Whitney is gonna help me load the ammo back in. Now, don't fight each other for them, okay?

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And then af... when you get them, after the show, we're gonna take a group picture with everybody who has one, okay? So here are some of the t-shirts that Donald Trump should have to look at.

  [as he reads them, mock-ups of the shirts are shown for the audience at home] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Oran... orange is the new fuckface.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Vote Trump? Let go of my pussy and we'll talk.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [a shirt featuring a flushing toilet is shown]  I just took a massive Trump.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [a shirt featuring a picture of Melania near the neck, with pictures of Trump and Mike Pence near the bottom is shown]  Fake tits, real boobs.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I tried to grab Trump by the penis, but I couldn't find it.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [a shirt featuring a therapist's doll is shown]  Show us where he touched you.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Mexican rapists are stealing jobs from American rapists.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Trump '16. I'm with herpes.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [a shirt showing Trump's private plane is shown]  Do your thing, geese.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And of course, we couldn't leave out... Whiny little bitch.

• Bill Maher - Host : And...

  [a stagehand can't load the final shirt] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Come on, fool!

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Oh, Jesus Christ.

  [taking the shirt and trying to load it himself] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So hard to get good help nowadays.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [giving up and handing the stagehand the t-shirt bazooka]  All right, hold that.

  [he unfurls the shirt, showing the orange-haired orangutan to which he jokingly compared Trump] 

  Bill Maher - Host : This one says... Trump is my son, but I'm still voting for Hillary.

• Bill Maher - Host : New rule: pedophiles and hippies must decide once and for all who gets to drive windowless vans.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : When I see one of these in my neighborhood, I don't know whether to call the cops or score weed.