More revealing of bad (and lazy) intentions on the part of the filmmakers than qualifying as entertainment, "Creampie Virgin" is truly low-grade porn. Director Skow puts "A Gonzo Story" as preface in his titles to escape criticism, but this worthless video demands a comeuppance.
That's because the too-clever scriptwriter David Stanley, whose work a decade ago was ground-breaking and laudable, treats his viewers contemptuously this time out. As one of those loyal viewers, I take umbrage at this sort of disrespect.
As the title broadcasts, this video attempts to cash in on the audience niche for "internal orgasm" porn, namely the actor climaxing inside the girl's body rather than pulling out in time-honored "money shot" tradition. Corollary to this particular audience fetish is the proof: generally no editing and cum running out of the subject's vagina or asshole.
From this lame starting point, Stanley has fashioned a silly, consistently overacted attempt at comedy. Had this been a production during the theatrical era of porn some 30 or 40 years ago, it would be impossible to sit through.
Seth Gamble is the unappealing hero who craves to do a cream pie inside his girlfriend Rachele Richey, a new starlet whose big natural breasts are her calling card - she's otherwise a loser on screen. She insists on "hotwifing" first for her cream pie to be delivered by another guy ahead of Seth's turn later on, stealing a page from Jacky St. James' series of stupid porn videos where the husband lends out his wife to another man. Unless he agrees, Rachele won't let Seth watch the Superbowl with his buddy Small Hands (he of the many tattoos and dumb stage name).
She also insists that the guy deflowering her must wear a mask, which she explains by uttering the malapropism: "The sex is supposed to be anom-i-nous", transposing the m and n in the middle of the word. Skow leaves this audible goof in the final print. It's certainly funnier than Stanley's dumb jokes.
One of many low points in Stanley's script: when Hands discusses the phenomenon with his significant other Katrina Jade (who happens to be Richey's BFF), Jade tells him: "If you're gonna dump your load in a girl's landfill, she's gonna have to see your face". You see, Hands has concocted a plan to mess with his boyhood buddy Seth by substituting for the chosen sex surrogate, putting on the mask, and delivering the cream pie to Richey himself. At this point, with over two hours to go, I was sorely tempted to eject the DVD and throw it in the waste basket, but somehow resisted.
Stupid feature continues with predictable porn scenes: Hands depositing his shot in Richey's vagina, only to be severely reprimanded not only because he didn't ask permission but because she pulls off the mask revealing his identity. Even as a viewer who had only seen Small in one previous video, starring for Stormy Daniels in "Off Limits", I could recognize him immediately due to some of the most visible and distinctive tattoos in the business.
Complications ensue: Seth is angry at his pal; Jade insists that Hands give her a cream pie too; there's a brief soft-core-content only sex scene by Hands with plain Jane barmaid Iris Rose on a pool table (Rose all dolled up with blonde hair stars in another recent gonzo stinker from Skow "Whorehouse Virgin"); and when Richey gets pregnant, the moronic boys are sent to Jasmine Jae's sex clinic to deposit their loads in little vials for parentage testing. Slavishly obeying his Prime Directive to deliver on the "cream pie" premise for the fans, Skow has Seth come inside visiting Brit Jae's vagina, with a little dribble into the vial apparently sufficing for her testing regime.
Ultimately, on cue, we get the promised Richey/Seth internal cum finale, but not before an idiotic montage to "illustrate" visually one of the boys' crude discussions, as they talk of all the ways Seth has dropped his load on his girlfriend: cue the fake Borowczyk cum tossed on the actress's various body parts from off screen. Clearly Stanley and Skow have envied Mel Brooks's slapstick approach to cinema dating back to "Blazing Saddles" and beyond, and are exploiting the fact that modern audiences accept such trash as funny.
Since I checked off IMDb's trusty spoiler box, I'm entitled to mention the film's coda: Jasmine and Katrina are pregnant too, yuck, yuck! (Note the double meaning of the keyword "yuck".) So I guess this useless time killer turns out to be yet another PSA, in addition to the usual ones ever-present on major label Adult releases, warning us of the danger of unprotected cream pie sex - heck, it might lead to pregnancy!
Where's Roy Clark and the intellectual giants who created TV's finest hour "Hee Haw" now that we need them the most?
That's because the too-clever scriptwriter David Stanley, whose work a decade ago was ground-breaking and laudable, treats his viewers contemptuously this time out. As one of those loyal viewers, I take umbrage at this sort of disrespect.
As the title broadcasts, this video attempts to cash in on the audience niche for "internal orgasm" porn, namely the actor climaxing inside the girl's body rather than pulling out in time-honored "money shot" tradition. Corollary to this particular audience fetish is the proof: generally no editing and cum running out of the subject's vagina or asshole.
From this lame starting point, Stanley has fashioned a silly, consistently overacted attempt at comedy. Had this been a production during the theatrical era of porn some 30 or 40 years ago, it would be impossible to sit through.
Seth Gamble is the unappealing hero who craves to do a cream pie inside his girlfriend Rachele Richey, a new starlet whose big natural breasts are her calling card - she's otherwise a loser on screen. She insists on "hotwifing" first for her cream pie to be delivered by another guy ahead of Seth's turn later on, stealing a page from Jacky St. James' series of stupid porn videos where the husband lends out his wife to another man. Unless he agrees, Rachele won't let Seth watch the Superbowl with his buddy Small Hands (he of the many tattoos and dumb stage name).
She also insists that the guy deflowering her must wear a mask, which she explains by uttering the malapropism: "The sex is supposed to be anom-i-nous", transposing the m and n in the middle of the word. Skow leaves this audible goof in the final print. It's certainly funnier than Stanley's dumb jokes.
One of many low points in Stanley's script: when Hands discusses the phenomenon with his significant other Katrina Jade (who happens to be Richey's BFF), Jade tells him: "If you're gonna dump your load in a girl's landfill, she's gonna have to see your face". You see, Hands has concocted a plan to mess with his boyhood buddy Seth by substituting for the chosen sex surrogate, putting on the mask, and delivering the cream pie to Richey himself. At this point, with over two hours to go, I was sorely tempted to eject the DVD and throw it in the waste basket, but somehow resisted.
Stupid feature continues with predictable porn scenes: Hands depositing his shot in Richey's vagina, only to be severely reprimanded not only because he didn't ask permission but because she pulls off the mask revealing his identity. Even as a viewer who had only seen Small in one previous video, starring for Stormy Daniels in "Off Limits", I could recognize him immediately due to some of the most visible and distinctive tattoos in the business.
Complications ensue: Seth is angry at his pal; Jade insists that Hands give her a cream pie too; there's a brief soft-core-content only sex scene by Hands with plain Jane barmaid Iris Rose on a pool table (Rose all dolled up with blonde hair stars in another recent gonzo stinker from Skow "Whorehouse Virgin"); and when Richey gets pregnant, the moronic boys are sent to Jasmine Jae's sex clinic to deposit their loads in little vials for parentage testing. Slavishly obeying his Prime Directive to deliver on the "cream pie" premise for the fans, Skow has Seth come inside visiting Brit Jae's vagina, with a little dribble into the vial apparently sufficing for her testing regime.
Ultimately, on cue, we get the promised Richey/Seth internal cum finale, but not before an idiotic montage to "illustrate" visually one of the boys' crude discussions, as they talk of all the ways Seth has dropped his load on his girlfriend: cue the fake Borowczyk cum tossed on the actress's various body parts from off screen. Clearly Stanley and Skow have envied Mel Brooks's slapstick approach to cinema dating back to "Blazing Saddles" and beyond, and are exploiting the fact that modern audiences accept such trash as funny.
Since I checked off IMDb's trusty spoiler box, I'm entitled to mention the film's coda: Jasmine and Katrina are pregnant too, yuck, yuck! (Note the double meaning of the keyword "yuck".) So I guess this useless time killer turns out to be yet another PSA, in addition to the usual ones ever-present on major label Adult releases, warning us of the danger of unprotected cream pie sex - heck, it might lead to pregnancy!
Where's Roy Clark and the intellectual giants who created TV's finest hour "Hee Haw" now that we need them the most?