- Henchperson of Indetermined Gender: I just think, even in changing context, that marriage is an inherently patriarchal construction that is likely to further the hegemonic juggernaut that's problematizing a lot of genders.
- Hook-Handed Man: Boss, I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample. One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg, and the other's a little lemony.
- Count Olaf: I told you never to say that word.
- Lemony Snicket: Having a brilliant idea isn't easy as turning and on a light. But just as a single bulb can illuminate event the most depressing of rooms, the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation.
- Lemony Snicket: Marriage is like sharing a root beer float or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume, even when it's happening on stage, you should only do it with the people you love.
- Klaus Baudelaire: As Martin Luther King said, "Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart, but they can restrain the heartless."
- Justice Strauss: There are countless types of books in this world, which makes good sense because there are countless types of people.
- White Faced Woman #1: [Holds up a drawing of a dress] Isn't it beautiful, Boss?
- Count Olaf: No, no, no, it should be delicate, fetching, and a chiffon train rippling down like... like...
- White Faced Woman #1: Like a waterfall.
- White Faced Woman #2: Like an open wound.
- Count Olaf: Exactly.
- Lemony Snicket: Some things in life are difficult to understand, even after years and years of thinking about them while wandering alone through desolate landscapes, usually during the off-season.
- Count Olaf: You will be playing the young woman I marry. It's a very important role, although you only have one line, and I think you know what it is.
- Violet Baudelaire: I don't.
- Count Olaf: No, no, no. It's "I do."
- Count Olaf: I wouldn't marry your sister if she were the last orphan on earth. A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women who don't complain about doing their chores.
- Count Olaf: Take these children to their room and keep them there until Friday. I have no use for them until then.
- Hook-Handed Man: Except to cook dinner?
- Count Olaf: We'll order takeout.
- Lemony Snicket: I have never been married myself. I once desperately loved a remarkably brave and bravely remarkable woman who, when I asked her if she would be my wife, found, for complicated and unfathomable reasons, she could give me no answer.
- Bald Man: [to the tune of the wedding march] Here - comes - Count Olaf. A bit - of - a showoff.
- Count Olaf: What?
- Bald Man: Nothing else rhymes with Count Olaf.
- Count Olaf: There are plenty of things that rhyme with Count Olaf. Hmm. Uh, hmm. Hmm. Rice pilaf!
- Justice Strauss: Carpe diem!
- Count Olaf: Seize the children!
- Justice Strauss: Seize the *day*!
- Count Olaf: I *said* day.
- Lemony Snicket: Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light. But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms, the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation.
- Hook-Handed Man: Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride.
- Violet Baudelaire: I'm not his bride.
- Hook-Handed Man: Oh, very soon you will be. Which means that I will soon be your henchperson-in-law.
- Count Olaf: Do you know the question I am asked most is?
- Hook-Handed Man: Will you please leave the premises?
- Lemony Snicket: Marriage is like sharing a root beer float, or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it's happening onstage, you should only do it with the people you love.
- Count Olaf: If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning, you're going to end up a very lonely man.
- Count Olaf: Do you know what the question I'm asked most is?
- Hook-Handed Man: Will you please leave the premises?