- Hester Ulrich: Yes, I orchestrated the whole thing. But you can't lay a hand on me. It's called double jeopardy. You can't be tried for the same crime twice.
- Denise Hemphill: But you haven't been tried twice. The Chanels were tried the first time.
- Hester Ulrich: But someone was convicted, so it's double jeopardy.
- Denise Hemphill: No, again YOU haven't been tried yet at all.
- Hester Ulrich: It's double jeopardy!
- Denise Hemphill: It's single jeopardy!
- Cathy Munsch: Alright Chanels, your job is to follow the doctors around and observe them. You just stand there silently. Something I like to call ghosting.
- Chanel #3: Point of order, I don't think that's what ghosting is. Ghosting is when you leave a party without saying goodbye.
- Zayday Williams: That's French Exit.
- Chanel #5: Okay, you guys are all idiots. Ghosting is when you've been texting with a guy for a long time, and you know, things are going really, really well and you think that's he's really into you, and then all of a sudden, one day he just stops texting back because he finally saw what you look like, and so you just text him, and you're like, "Hey sexy, where'd you go?" And then he just doesn't answer because he ghosted.
- Chanel Oberlin: Wait, isn't ghosting when you do a number two and you look down at the paper and there's nothing there, and so you stand up and you look in the toilet but there's nothing there either because the turd somehow got shot down the hole before you even flushed? I mean, that's ghosting.
- Cathy Munsch: Alright! There are a lot of uses for the term ghosting. The usage I am describing is where you stand silently and say nothing!
- Chanel Oberlin: That's not ghosting.
- Chanel Oberlin: Dammit #5, no network would ever hire you! Your face is what they in the business call "a channel changer."
- Dr. Cassidy Cascade: You know you're not really a doctor.
- Cathy Munsch: I'm sorry, but when I gave the commencement address of the University of Pittsburgh last year, they gave me the actual honorary doctorate they stripped from Bill Cosby.
- Dr. Brock Holt: Welcome to King Brock's kingdom, where King Brock is king. Sometimes I like to wheel in rando patients not knowing their medical condition and just start cutting, discovering as I go. Sometimes I just stare at my hands and cry.
- Chanel Oberlin: It wasn't so long ago that *I* was on the fast track to becoming a network news anchor. *I* had a dream, and that dream was to be the next Diane Sawyer and now I realize that's never gonna happen!
- Chanel #3: Sorry, what did you say? I zoned out for a sec.
- Zayday Williams: What happened to your wrist? Suicide attempt?
- Dr. Brock Holt: No, I'm the recipient of the world's first complete hand transplant.
- Dr. Cassidy Cascade: Are you serious? That's not your real hand?
- Dr. Brock Holt: Of course it's my real hand. You buy a used car, is it yours or the guy who used to own it? I'm the genius, not the hand.
- Zayday Williams: You feel like a block of ice!
- Dr. Cassidy Cascade: I envy ice. At least if you give it warmth, it melts.
- Chanel Oberlin: #5 got a job as a receptionist at a dentist's office. She said it was because they provided free services to the poor, but I'm convinced #5 did it to get free braces for her vagina-teeth.
- Katherine Hobart: You didn't tell me I would lose ALL of my hair! I have no hair anywhere! I look like a cancer patient!
- Chanel #5: No! You look like a large baby!
- Ingrid Hoffel: Hello, Chanels. Still dressing like sluts, I see.
- Chanel Oberlin: Hello, Dean Munsch. Hello, Nurse. I thought I smelled something "Hoffel".
- Zayday Williams: We need to have a discussion.
- Cathy Munsch: Does it involve the inane decision to make our first case an incurable genetic disorder? Why on earth did I insist on making werewolf-girl our flagship case? Would've been easier to cure Zika.
- Chanel Oberlin: It turns out, I love blood! Love it! It's 92% water and contains hemoglobin, which transports oxygen throughout our circulatory system. Where did I learn this? In a course I took to become a certified phlebotomist that I passed with flying colors. It turns out, I'm really good at poking people.
- Chanel Oberlin: What's stopping us from becoming special medical correspondents for Fox News? We'll become TV doctors! We'll have our own doctor TV shows like Dr. Drew or Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz or The Doctors! Just imagine the amazing TV show I could do! I mean, I could have segments like, How to Swallow a Tapeworm with Dr. Chanel Oberlin!
- Zayday Williams: I hope you all learned a valuable lesson about how fulfilling being a doctor can be.
- Chanel Oberlin: And I hope you learned a valuable lesson, Zayday, about how EASY being a doctor can be. And maybe now, we can put to bed all of your righteous lecturing about hard work, and accept the fact that through the power of the internet, anyone can be an M.D.
- Chanel #3: I like to look into these rooms and think about all the people who died in them, how every hope and resentment and emotional trauma they ever felt just disappeared into irrelevance the second it took for their hearts to stop beating.
- Dr. Cassidy Cascade: Do you want to go on a date?
- Chanel #3: Yeah. I guess.
- Cathy Munsch: The Chanels? For two whole years, I barely thought of them, but then a Netflix documentary series turned them into national obsessions.
- Zayday Williams: Hi, you must be Dr. Cascade. I'm Zayday Williams.
- Dr. Cassidy Cascade: I just wanna let you know straight out, I'm not interested in having a girlfriend. I know that's tough to hear, I'm basically female Viagra.
- Ingrid Hoffel: Listen little girl, just so we're clear, I don't like you. You mess with me and I will eat you for lunch!
- [Katherine and Chanel #5 are trapped in therapy bathtubs when a killer bursts in]
- Katherine Hobart: Please don't! Please don't kill me! Kill her! Kill her! She's awful!