- Darryl Whitefeather: You're gay? No one's ever mentioned that.
- White Josh: Uh, well, everybody knows. Not a big deal.
- Darryl Whitefeather: Oh. Okay. It's just, maybe your nickname should be "Gay Josh" instead of "White Josh" because then people would know what's up.
- White Josh: Why? We don't call Greg "Straight Greg." We don't call you "Old Gay Darryl."
- Darryl Whitefeather: I like women - I like sleeping with women! I like the way they smell, I like the way that they - the feel of their skin, I like their... bird-like voices. I mean, does that sound gay?
- White Josh: Nope. Sounds like a serial killer, but a straight one for sure.
- Rebecca Bunch: That's impossible.
- Paula Proctor: Impossible? Rebecca, we put a man on the moon.
- Rebecca Bunch: We? Did you have something to do with that?
- Paula Proctor: No, not at all. But I have been watching Apollo 13 - a lot! I got the blu-ray at a garage sale, and oh my - Ed Harris! Do you remember, with the glasses? I mean, come on, he brought those Americans home just like I am going to bring that buff Filipino bro home to you. Like Ed says, "Failure is not an option."
- Rebecca Bunch: I have no idea what you're talking about right now, but you seem really confident and you're talking about space, so I'm gonna go with your plan.
- Rebecca Bunch: Imagine your kids taking a shower before they go to school. They douse their skin with ice cold water, a huge shock to their li'l systems. At first it's downright unpleasant, but then it gets them wired in a way they've never felt, and they think to themselves, "That shower felt great, maybe I'll try cocaine!" So your son's on coke, your daughter's pregnant, and your husband's probably having an affair. Apocalypse! Just like the movie "I Am Legend," but not like that at all!
- Greg Serrano: Chan, you're a nice guy. You always see things in the best light, but Valencia is right. Rebecca is into you. She always has been. She just wants to spend time with you. Why can't anyone see that? The whole case is just a pretext.
- Chris: A pretext. Is that like when the little text comes out before the real text? I learned about that in health class.
- Valencia Perez: I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, which is not far because you eat bagels after 8 p.m.
- Rebecca Bunch: Don't underestimate the joy of a midnight bagel!
- [referring to Rebecca's breasts]
- Paula Proctor: Oh God, see, people think they're fake, but when you get up close, you realize no human could design these.
- Rebecca Bunch: Oh, thank you!... People think they're fake?
- Darryl Whitefeather: So, this is like the vagina of the system.
- Bert: It's a manhole.
- Darryl Whitefeather: So this manhole is a vagina.
- Bert: You're saying a lot of crazy stuff.
- Darryl Whitefeather: Now, it's true, I'm not gay. I, Darryl Whitefeather, I like both sexes. I'm a bothsexual!