- Captain Man: All right, Drill Finger! Now, I'm no rabbi but...
- Drill Finger: No-no-no!
- Drill Finger: [Captain Man snips off his drill finger] D'ahhh!
- Captain Man: Mazel tov.
- Drill Finger: Yaaaaah! You snipped off my drill!
- Kid Danger: Yeah. From now on, you're just... "Finger."
- Piper Hart: You guys just don't like the idea of me going out with Kale.
- Mr. Hart: Now, Piper...
- Piper Hart: It's true! You think Kale's a loser just 'cuz his dad has no job and 'cuz his mom drives a dirty bus.
- Mrs. Hart: Well, I don't feel comfortable having this conversation about Kale while he's in the room.
- Ray Manchester: Hey, you know what will cheer up a teenage pouty pants? Cleanin' the boss's bathroom.
- [becoming rivals in love, Jasper and Henry decide to each ask Noelle for a date]
- Jasper Dunlop: H-hey, I j... I just don't want you to be upset when Noelle chooses to take... the J-train.
- Henry Hart: Uh, aha, okay... well the only thing more powerful than "the J-train" is... the H-bomb.
- [whistles and makes an explosion sound]
- Henry Hart: [as the blustering boys get up in each other's face, Charlotte, annoyed, quietly pulls out a blaster and activates it]
- Charlotte Page: May I just go to class, please?
- Ms. Shapen: No. Just stand there and say something every once in a while.
- Piper Hart: [cutting to the chase] This Saturday night, my brother Henry and this guy Jasper both wanna take you on a date.
- Noelle: Oh, my gosh, that's...
- Piper Hart: Yeah yeah, PICK ONE!
- [Noelle names her date choice - "Jasper"]
- Henry Hart: This is... this is a classic mix-up, heh... Ah, Noelle, I think you're confused. I'm Henry. That's Jasper. I'm... I'm THIS one.
- Kid Danger: [arresting Noelle along with others] Stay right there and don't move.
- Noelle: What if I have an itch?
- Kid Danger: Then you just let it itch! You LET it itch!
- Elderly 1: [kicking Kid Danger's nuts] Stupid Millennial!
- Ms. Shapen: My niece is coming to visit here in Swellview?
- Henry Hart: Okay.
- Ms. Shapen: And normally I would have her stay with me, but she's allergic to cats.
- Henry Hart: Oh.
- Ms. Shapen: And nuts. Cats and nuts.
- Jasper Dunlop: My cousin's allergic to nuts.
- Ms. Shapen: Perfect timing! You see, Charlotte? That's how you chime in.
- Jasper Dunlop: [tied to a chair] Noelle, why would you do this to me?
- Noelle: Because I want money and 'cuz I don't care about you.
- Jasper Dunlop: I appreciate your honesty.
- Ms. Shapen: Now, Henry, I'm thinking of a number between one and a hundred.
- Henry Hart: That's cool for you.
- Ms. Shapen: Guess what the number is.
- Henry Hart: Uh... . thirty... .eight.
- Ms. Shapen: Wrong. The number was thirty-...
- [frowns]
- Ms. Shapen: Pick another number!
- Captain Man: [approaching two men] I noticed you're both old, so... by any chance do either of you have false teeth?
- Old Man 1: Ugh...
- Captain Man: What? What? What'd I say?
- Old Man 1: Thinking that all old people have false teeth is a stereotype, okay? And we don't like stereotypes.
- Captain Man: Oh... but... do... either of you wear false teeth?
- Old Man 1: Yes, we both do.
- Captain Man: I see. Well, on my authority as Captain Man, I need to borrow your false teeth.
- Old Man 1: Okay.