- Kermit the Frog: We've created a color code alert system to track Piggy's moods. Green, she's calm, but we've never been at green. Yellow, she's in tears. Orange, *I'm* in tears. And with a code red, if she locks eyes with you, it's already too late!
- Scooter: [terrified] We got a big problem with Piggy! She's...
- Kermit the Frog: Scooter, Scooter, Scooter! Listen, relax. We talked about overreacting to things.
- Uncle Deadly: It's a code red.
- Kermit the Frog: [freaking out; to the other Muppets] Code red! Code red! This is not a drill!
- [the Muppets are driven into a frenzy]
- Fozzie Bear: Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this. I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house!
- Gonzo: Oh, I get those spam e-mails all the time. You know, from my "mother" who's "stuck overseas," "needs money." You just delete them.
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise?
- Gonzo: Yeah, and I'm a little worried. I haven't heard from her in a while.
- [a frustrated Kermit drives his golf cart around the studio lot really fast and almost runs into Laurence Fishburne]
- Laurence Fishburne: Hey!
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, oh, oh my goodness!
- Laurence Fishburne: Watch where you're going, frog!
- Kermit the Frog: I'm sorry, Laurence! Uh, uh... Hey, hey, when are you going to come to the show?
- Laurence Fishburne: Well, if it keeps on sucking the way it did last night - NEVER!
- [leaves]
- Kermit the Frog: Good to see you, too.
- Laurence Fishburne: Hey, Kermit?
- Kermit the Frog: Yeah?
- Laurence Fishburne: I just want to say I'm sorry about what I said about your show sucking.
- Kermit the Frog: Yeah?
- Laurence Fishburne: I just had a really rough night.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, I'm sorry. What happened?
- Laurence Fishburne: I watched your show - AND IT SUCKED!
- [laughs as he leaves again]
- Fozzie Bear: [Fozzie stole a bowl from Jay and wants to bring back, but broke it while doing so]
- Jay Leno: Fozzie, take a seat!
- Fozzie Bear: T-Take it? I, I, I don't take things! E-Especially things that don't belong to me, so I will *sit* on this seat, good sir, but I will *not* take it
- Kermit the Frog: Where's Piggy?
- Josh Groban: Oh, she's in the middle of getting a hot stone massage right now. Can I help you?
- Kermit the Frog: [seeing Piggy getting the massage Groban was talking about] Piggy? I got to talk to her.
- Josh Groban: [blocking Kermit's path] Anything you need to say to my lady, you can say to me.
- Kermit the Frog: Okay, then, fine. The guy you're dating is an absolute nightmare, and you got to get rid of him.
- Josh Groban: Oh yeah? Well, you're a little insecure swamp rat whom nobody's talking about! That was her response to you, not mine. I think you're terrific.
- Kermit the Frog: Will you stop trying to turn Piggy into you?
- Josh Groban: Wouldn't the world be a better place if everybody was a little more like me?
- [Kermit, Scooter, and Uncle Deadly are hiding under a desk during Miss Piggy's tirade]
- Miss Piggy: [shouting] Who replaced my thick Sharpies with fine-tipped Sharpies? I'm signing autographs, not writing the Bible on a grain of rice!
- Kermit the Frog: I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.
- Uncle Deadly: So, I was fitting Piggy for a new dress...
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, no. You forgot to cut out the tag? She knows her size?
- Uncle Deadly: Oh please. I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know her size, weight, or even how old she is.
- Miss Piggy: [still shouting] Look at this nonsense: pencils, highlighters, a BACKSCRATCHER? If you're itchy, take care of it at home!
- Kermit the Frog: What is going on?
- Scooter: The People's Choice Awards are coming up and she doesn't have a date.
- Uncle Deadly: Shocking. She seems like such pleasant company.
- [Kermit, Scooter, and Uncle Deadly laugh]
- Miss Piggy: [still shouting] How dare you try to calm me down with cake! Gimme that cake!
- Swedish Chef: Der Piggy gropin de Groban!
- Miss Piggy: Oh, Chef! You've got a dirty mind!
- [sing-song]
- Miss Piggy: But accurate...