- Self - Host: It was not an easy news week, so let's start with something positive. How about the Pope? I love him again.
- [cheers and applause]
- Self - Host: The Pope opened a can of whoop-ass on greedy, polluting industrialist assholes. He said climate change is real, he said we are living in a structural perverse economic system where the rich exploit the poor, and it's turning the Earth into an immense pile of filth. And the Republican response was swift and immediate. They said, "And?"
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: "What's your point, papi? Go back to washing feet." Also, second good piece of news, the Treasury announced that by the end of the decade, there's gonna be a woman on the ten-dollar bill.
- [applause]
- Self - Host: We've never had a woman on paper currency, and, uh... they thought it was gonna be Harriet Tubman, uh, the abolitionist, uh, from the Civil War era, but, uh, they found out just yesterday she was actually a white girl from Spokane, so...
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: So it's not gonna happen.
- Self - Host: Oh, how about that Rachel Dolezal? She dominated the news for a while, didn't she? Boy, she did... she was on "Today, " on "The Today Show" with Matt Lauer, sticking to her story. She said she identifies as black. And Matt Lauer said, "Yeah, I identify as someone with hair."
- Self - Host: For the president, another tough week for him, because this was the 14th time he had to address the nation on a mass shooting. This one, of course, you've heard, in South Carolina. This one, an unapologetic white spremist. It's amazing how these white men, who believe they're a member of the master race, always look like the half-wit who sprays fungicide in the shoes at the bowling alley.
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: I... And, uh, on Fox News, they could not decide if this was absolutely not the right time to talk about guns, or absolutely not the right time to talk about racism.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: And yet, you know, the shooter purposefully went to a black church, he told the victims that he had to do it because they were taking over, he wore pro-apartheid stickers on his jacket. Uh, his friends said he was big into segregation, he talked about starting a race war, so naturally, when it comes to what motivated him, Republicans are stumped.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: They don't... they cannot figure it out. Uh, the governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, said "We'll never understand." Jeb Bush, "We can't know." Jindal, Lindsey Graham, Tripp, all of them said some version of "It's incomprehensible." There is just no way to know what motivated a racist to kill black people.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Fellas, you know what? When a guy like this talks about "the South will rise again," he's not talking about IQ levels.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: He... he... he... this guy, this guy openly said he was trying to start a race war, which is delusional. 'Cause if Donald Trump's speech didn't do it the day before, nothing would.
- Self - Host: Trump said "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best." I love this idea that Mexico is *sending* its people.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: "Hey, you, Rodriguez, Alvarez, Cabrera, get up, you're next."
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: "Come on, in the pipeline." I mean... honestly, between the white woman who thinks she's black and Trump thinking he could be president, it was a very good week for narcistic... narcissistic personality disorder.
- [laughing]
- Self - Host: It's like your "Abnormal Psych" textbook came to life.
- Self - Host: Donald Trump's speech was so perfectly, impeccably, beautifully unhinged and un-fact-checked. Like, he said economic growth has never been below zero until the last quarter. It's been below zero 42 times since World War II. He said there are no jobs to be had. There are 5.4 million openings, the most in 15 years. He said we've never beaten Japan at anything.
- [laughter, and he looks confused]
- Self - Host: One... one thing. He was talking out of his ass so much, at one point, a roadie went on stage and put a mic behind him.
- Self - Host: After three years, uh, since the last election, of every single conservative in this country saying if the Republicans ever hope to win the White House back, they have to reach out to Latinos, Donald Trump opens his campaign saying "Mexicans. They bring drugs, they bring crime, and they're rapists."
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Oh, wait. I meant to say fraternities.
- Self - Host: And finally, new rule: we can give up teaching geography, grammar, and math; those are pretty hard. But Americans have got to learn how to take a joke. A few months ago, we introduced a segment called "Explaining Jokes to Idiots", and I'd like to bring it back tonight for the benefit of the SpikeTV network, which, last night, aired its Guys Choice Awards and censored a joke delivered by Clint Eastwood. But we were able to obtain the footage of the joke that was too intense for America to hear. Watch your monitors.
- [a clip of Eastwood is shown]
- Self - Host: [in a raspy voice] "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson isn't the first athlete who's gone into acting. There's also Jim Brown and Caitlyn somebody..."
- [laughter as it's revealed it's him]
- Self - Host: All right, so we didn't get the footage. But that is exactly the line that they cut. Why? Is "Caitlyn" the new "C" word? We can't even say it in a joke? And this was on a male network that thinks of itself as macho. But you know, guys, just because you *have* balls doesn't mean you have balls.
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: So... you know, what is so worrisome about this new brand of censorship is it doesn't care if something is actually offensive. That joke was not an insult. Not in any way was it a remark that demeans Caitlyn's journey or would make her Adam's apple grow back.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: It's just certain words that set people off. This is what Jerry Seinfeld was complaining about last week when he said college audiences "just want to use these words: 'that's racist', 'that's sexist', 'that's prejudice.' They don't even know what they're talking about." An opinion echoed by Chris Rock, who said he stopped playing colleges because of their unwillingness to offend anybody. And Larry the Cable Guy concurs; he said, "It really is a shame that nobody can handle comedy anymore." You know, when Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, and Larry the Cable Guy say you have a stick up your ass, you don't have to wait for the x-rays to come back.
- Self - Host: One undergrad from San Diego actually wrote Jerry an open letter on the Huffington Post to help him, Jerry Seinfeld, better understand how comedy works. Now, I sure wouldn't wanna be judged by what I wrote at 20, but stupid though I was in 1976, I wouldn't have presumed to lecture George Carlin on comedy.
- [applause]
- Self - Host: Though I... though I sure wish George was around today to write a letter back to this kid as only he could. But since he can't, allow me.
- [picking up a sheet of paper]
- Self - Host: "Dear you little shit..."
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: "... I'm sure you're busy with your new letter explaining astrophysics to Stephen Hawking and giving jump-shot pointers to Steph Curry." But try to get a clue; in the same letter, this kid cited Amy Schumer as a comic who's edgy but without indulging in harmful stereotypes. Okay, but what about her line "I used to date Hispanic guys, but now I prefer consensual"?
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Now, I love that joke, because no matter what Trump says, I don't think of Latino men as rapists. It's just funny, because it's exaggerating the fact that Latinos, like almost all men except white guys, are more aggressive when they hit on women. Which... lots of... which... which... lots of chicks like, so pre-fuck you on that one.
- Self - Host: The PC police aren't saying you can't make jokes, you just can't make them about a protected species. Jokes about men? Yes. Gay men? No. Kim Kar... Kim Kardashian's ass? Yes. Her stepfather's tits? No.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: If someone on the Internet expresses the wrong views about gays, women, or Jews, they're subject to endless shaming, unless they're Muslim, in which case all that intolerance is a cultural difference which we just have to tolerate. Because, of course, it's a religion of peace. There's a piece of you there, there's a piece of you there...
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: And now let me explain why that joke is perfectly okay. Because everyone gets made fun of for something, and it's never 100% fair. If I make a "... and the French surrendered" joke, everyone laughs, even though the French haven't surrendered in every war, in fact, mostly in just the one, but it was kind of an important one, so they have to own it. If I make a "supermodel threw up her food" joke, everyone laughs, and certainly not all supermodels are bulimics. But more than plumbers. If I make a joke about how all Asians are bad drivers... well, that one's true.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: No, it's not, but a little bit, so we laugh. As we should when someone makes a "Muslims blow shit up" joke, which they have to own because they do it more than anybody else, with the possible exception of the U.S. military.