- Aunt Sharon: I'm so glad you've come to live with us, Ian. It's been so quiet here since the Lord dried up my ovaries.
- William Nguyen: When did you get a brother, Greg?
- Greg: Ah, we just got him from Africa. In one of the parts without Jesus.
- Jack Cujo Parrish: This is not a camp for fighting! This is a camp to learn how to be a better yourself.
- Todd: Hey, Gor-dumb! These stories are supposed to be about redemption!
- Dale 'Gordo' Gordon: Not all stories end in altar calls!