- Demetri Martin: Sometimes instead of saying "for example," I'll say something such as "such as," for example.
- Demetri Martin: It seems like there's a fine line between having a pet and having a hostage from a different species. You go to somebody's house, they're like, "Close the door. He'll get out. CLOSE THE DOOR! HE'LL GET OUT!" Okay. What kind of relationship do you have with this dog, exactly?
- Demetri Martin: Jokes that end in death don't usually end happy. Kind of like life.
- [gives an embarrassed laugh]
- Demetri Martin: I might just stick to the prepared material for the rest of the set. I thought... I thought I could freestyle a little bit, but the insides came out a little too much there.
- Demetri Martin: If I see a scary movie and then I come home and there's a noise in my house, it sounds scary. I've seen a lot of funny movies. I wish it would work the same way.
- Demetri Martin: Food is tricky, like milk: It starts out good, then it becomes bad, then it becomes disgusting, then it becomes dangerous, then it becomes cheese. Way to turn it around, milk!
- Demetri Martin: When I was in high school, I took karate. One time I lost my temper in class, and that's when I learned there was a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
- Demetri Martin: I've heard people talk about their private parts. I'd like to hear someone talk about their... public parts. "You okay?" "Yeah, yeah. I just hurt my publics on that door. I'm fine."
- Demetri Martin: There aren't that many black magicians, probably because of racism. If a black guy makes something disappear, they're like, "Hey, get 'im!" "Hey, it's magic." "No, you're black."
- Demetri Martin: If you ask somebody how they're doing, sometimes they'll say "A-okay." It's like they're giving you the beginning of a weird multiple choice answer or something.
- Demetri Martin: I like that at a lot of crosswalks they have a countdown. It's like they tell you exactly when it will be funny to push your friend into traffic.
- Demetri Martin: People say "shotgun" when they want the front seat. You should say "shotgun" when you're eating rice and you have to sneeze.
- Demetri Martin: This vomit-shit smell might turn into the thing I want to melt over everything I eat, so just wait.
- Demetri Martin: When I was in high school, I couldn't decide whether I wanted to be on the debate team or not, and that was frustrating
- Demetri Martin: I can't believe we eat birds. How did that start? Someone said, "You see that, flyin' up there? I wanna put that in my mouth."