- Chanel Oberlin: [playing Pictionary] I'm sorry, but someone needs to contact the good people at Hasbro, because the odds of you picking "neck brace whore" are astronomical. I'm fairly certain this board game has been tampered with.
- Chad Radwell: Are you saying you killed Hester?
- Chanel Oberlin: Gravity killed Hester. I just gave her a little push.
- Chad Radwell: Okay Chanel, listen, I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I don't think I can bone you right now. My wanger is way stressed out! I got a kid on the way with a crazy neckbrace baby-mama who I now gotta marry and be miserable for the rest of my life.
- [Chanel opens the meat locker and discovers another corpse has vanished]
- Chanel Oberlin: No friggin' way! Where is she? I don't understand how this keeps happening! Is this meat locker like a wormhole to an alternate universe or something?
- Bunny Radwell: [Hester has unexpectedly shown up at the Radwells'] I beg your pardon, but who are you?
- Chad Radwell: Uh, she is my... sober coach.
- Chanel Oberlin: What?
- Tad Radwell: Chad, I didn't know you had a drinking problem.
- Chad Radwell: Neither did I. That is how insidious alcoholism is, dad.
- Chanel #3: Who is the only person we know who has a more clear and obvious motive for killing Kappas then Dean Munsch?
- Dean Cathy Munsch: THAN... Dean Munsch. "Than." Not "then," "than." Have you ever even cracked open a book or attended a class?
- [derisive laugh]
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I hate you people.
- Chanel #3: Exactly. You hate sororities and you hate Kappa Kappa Tai. And when you couldn't just kick us off campus, you made sure no one pledged but losers, and *then* started removing us from school the only way you could... *murder.*
- [Chanel tells Chad that she killed Hester]
- Chad Radwell: What did you do with body?
- Chanel Oberlin: Duh! I put it in the meat locker. That's where we've been putting all the dead bodies.
- Chad Radwell: Oh my God. Chanel, that is so hot! I wanna see it! I need to see the body! We can have a three-way with the body!
- Chanel Oberlin: What? No!
- Chad Radwell: Oh come on, I need this! If you expect me to take our relationship to the next level by taking you home to the Hamptons for Thanksgiving, you're gonna have to prove to me you can meet my needs.
- Chanel Oberlin: Fine, I'll show you the body - but not so you can have sex with it!
- Chanel #3: There is a killer on the loose in my sorority house. A bunch of my sorta friends have been killed and no one has asked me about it!
- Chanel #3: Since you already have a turkey, why don't we just cook here? I've never cooked before but that should be fine since I usually just pretend to eat.
- Wes Gardner: I was a bit of a man-slut back in the day - and it was the '90s, so nobody wore condoms.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Trust me.
- Zayday Williams: What'd I miss?
- Chanel #3: Pete was just about to ruin any chances of marrying Grace by explaining why he thinks her dad is the killer.
- Chanel Oberlin: Hester, I owe you an apology. Yes, I did push you down the stairs in an attempt to murder you and your fake unborn baby. And while my motivations were airtight and my conscience clear, still... I'm sorry. You, Chanel #6, are my sister, and that bond is stronger than some silly little attempt on your life.
- Chad Radwell: Listen, I'm not a detective or anything, but what if Hester was never dead and she just managed to escape?
- Chanel Oberlin: That's not possible! I watched her fall down the stairs!
- Chad Radwell: After she fell down the stairs did you check her pulse?
- Chanel Oberlin: No, Chad, because I'm not like a registered nurse!
- Chad Radwell: Well Chanel, it seems to me like you tried to kill Hester and totally failed, so you should probably bring a security detail with you to The Hamptons because, I mean, the girl's insane and she'll probably stop at nothing to get her revenge by murdering you.
- Pete Martinez: I'm buddies with the county coroner. Him and my brother used to sell illegal fireworks in high school. I bribed him with a bag of weed to get some of Boone's hair. This is the part I'm kind of ashamed of...
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Wait a minute. There's a part *other* than bribing a government official with drugs so that you can steal the hair of a dead man that you're ashamed of?
- Wes Gardner: You know how at the beginning of the year, I was always secretly following you so I could just keep an eye on you, make sure you were safe?
- [under her breath]
- Zayday Williams: Hashtag stalker.
- Chanel #5: Actually, I kind of think that Grace is the killer too. I mean it would fit in with your whole "hard worker," "let's find out the truth," "never take no for an answer," awful personality.
- Chad Radwell: Chanel, I'm über-confused. Hester here, who's super weird and an obvious psychopath, she says she's pregnant. You say she's not pregnant. You said she was dead. She says she's not dead. I'm kind of inclined to believe her.
- Wes Gardner: Look, I was so bombed at that party. I mean, I remember I puked while I was making out with some girl.
- Thad Radwell: I'm Thad Radwell, and this year I'm so thankful for the lax indecency laws in Europe that inundate our internet with millions of hours of hardcore porn, which helps to just generally raise the bar on the stuff that chicks feel like they have to do now!
- Chanel Oberlin: How are you alive?
- Hester Ulrich: Good thing I was wearing this neck brace when you pushed me down the stairs because it saved my life! And laying me on the ground in the meat locker was the perfect thing to do. The hard slab of the cold steel curbed the swelling in my spinal column. When I woke up and regained consciousness, I felt better than ever! Really, I should be thanking you right now. That fall? It might have cured me of my severe scoliosis!
- Chad Radwell: Hello, I'm Chad Radwell. This year, I'm thankful for someone who's very special to me. Without this person, I wouldn't be the man I am right now. In fact, I wouldn't be here at all.
- [Chanel assumes he's talking about her]
- Chad Radwell: I am, of course, referring to the serial killer who is stalking the campus of Wallace University. I am so thankful that he, for whatever reason, has not murdered me yet. I am so, so grateful.
- Bunny Radwell: I'm also thankful to that serial killer for not killing you, Chad. And that you will have a long, long, long life. You have such a vast future ahead of you.
- [intentionally goading Chanel]
- Bunny Radwell: You'll meet so many new and different women! So many wonderful women to go out with, and break up with, and move on from!
- Chanel Oberlin: Well, you should be thankful that this table is too long for me to reach across and strangle you, bitch!
- Dean Cathy Munsch: I think we can all agree that one of the Red Devil killers is Boone. I propose that the other Red Devil killer is... Chanel #3.
- Chanel #3: What? No. I've never killed anyone. As far as I know.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: But your real daddy has, Baby Manson.
- Grace Gardner: Okay, there is no evidence at all that mass murder is genetic.
- Wes Gardner: Wait. Her dad is Charles Manson? How do I not know this?
- Grace Gardner: How could she possibly be Charles Manson's daughter and one of the babies in the bathtub? I mean, don't we all agree that those babies are the killers?
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Do we even have any evidence that this Manson story is true? How do we know she didn't just invent it, just so we wouldn't think she was the killer?
- Zayday Williams: That seems like an unnecessarily complicated cover story.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Yes... But aren't those the best kind?
- Chad Radwell: Once you've had savory, leftover aspic à la Radwell, you will never want pumpkin pie again. Tastes like Henry VIII just barfed in my mouth.
- Chanel #5: I brought some of my famous eight-meat stuffing! It's beef, venison, alligator, buffalo, rabbit, goat, rattlesnake and spam. I cut all of the meats super-thin so that you're guaranteed every meat in every bite.
- Chad Radwell: Are you gonna make a habit of just, like, pushing people down the stairs? Cuz I think we can agree. Not the most adult form of conflict resolution, Chanel.
- Grace Gardner: How did you know we were here?
- Pete Martinez: Zayday has been live-tweeting the whole night.
- Grace Gardner: I'm an incoming freshman and I was just checking out the campus and I was desperate to see the inside of this place. I'm hoping to pledge when I matriculate.
- Chanel #3: You're skinny and pretty, so that's a plus, but it's highly competitive, so you better be rich too.
- Pete Martinez: You didn't count on the small fact that Dean Munsch over here is such a cold-hearted bitch - sorry, I'm not sorry.
- Chanel Oberlin: No one deserves to be spoken to like that, particularly not by what is without a doubt the most awful family in America! Chad, your leathery excuse for a mother looks like an ostrich hide clutch from last season that somehow learned to talk! And Mr. Radwell, I have never seen anyone spend so much money to make a house look this tacky! I've honestly seen more tasteful décor at a Sizzler. And you, Thad, have a bright future ahead of you in the sex offender wing of a super-max prison!
- Chanel #3: I have bathroom shame issues. I always wait until everyone is asleep and then I sneak down to poop in the little powder room downstairs. That way, no one will disturb me. I usually wait a week or so between movements so it can be kind of an intense workout. I sweat a lot.
- [on the telephone]
- Chanel Oberlin: Hello, mother, it's me. Chanel Oberlin, your daughter! What, are you drunk? Okay, drunk on wine is still drunk, mother.
- Chanel Oberlin: Chad, your father just offered me fifty thousand dollars to leave the house and never come back!
- Chanel Oberlin: Well, I don't wanna sound like a dick here, but have you ever considered maybe you should leave? I mean, with you and Hester here, this Thanksgiving, it's spiraling out of control! And later tonight, we're about to get together and play Pictionary. And as it stands now, that game of Pictionary is gonna be super awkward.
- Zayday Williams: When'd you get here Chanel #5? I thought you said you were leaving forever, or something like that.
- Chanel #3: She says stuff like that but never really follows through.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: God, I hate you people!
- Chanel #3: Exactly. You hate sororities, and you hate Kappa Kappa Tau. And when you couldn't just kick us off campus, you made sure no one pledged but losers and then started removing us from school the only way you could... murder.
- [to Dean Munsch]
- Zayday Williams: You did say just the other day that the only way to live is to play the long game. Spending twenty years plotting for payback on a crime you considered to be horrible is exactly the kind of thing you would do.
- Chanel #5: You know what I think? I think you did find out who your mom was, and that she was awful and responsible for Kappa's greatest shame, the death of the girl in the bathtub. And that you hated the fact that the face of Kappa's evil was this woman who you idolized. So you swore to come to Wallace and create an even bigger, even worse boogeyman to represent Kappa. The Red Devil. Anything to redeem your beloved, dead mother.
- Grace Gardner: It makes a lot of sense that that is your theory, #5, because it's insane!