- Xanthippe Voorhees: Hey, Kimmy, 1996 called. It wants its clothes back.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Hey, Xan, 2090 called. You're dead and you wasted your time on earth.
- Titus Andromedon: If I've learned anything from living in this city, it's this: Act like you belong, and the world is your oyster.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Aw, gross. Can't the world be my noodles and butter?
- Kimmy Schmidt: [after she and Jacqueline eavesdrop on Julian] What are you doing? You have proof now. Get up there and give him heck for fudge's sake, gosh dang it!
- [Julian, a foot fetishist, is staring at Jacqueline's feet]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [pointing to her breasts] Hey. Eyes up here. You don't get these feet.
- Julian Voorhees: You're withholding the twins?
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Feet are for good boys. Not for liars and cheaters.
- Julian Voorhees: Oh, for God's sake. Is that what this is about? You think I'm having an affair?
- Jacqueline Voorhees: You've done it before.
- Julian Voorhees: With you! And that was different. My first wife...
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Turned fifty. I know. And I would never do that to you.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [regarding confronting Julian about cheating on her] He just denied everything. I might as well have been Congress. Maybe I *am* crazy.
- Kimmy Schmidt: No, Mrs. Voorhees. You have to listen to your gut.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: I don't have a gut, you motherf...
- Kimmy Schmidt: No, no. I mean your women's intuition.
- Titus Andromedon: [to Kimmy] I knew this day would come. I must make you over. It is the pact between my kind and yours - and in exchange, you buy us brunch sometimes.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Titus! What did you say to me this morning? If you want to get by in this city, you just have to act like you belong. Right?
- Titus Andromedon: That is how I was briefly Gordon on "Sesame Street."
- [Julian has returned home with a tan]
- Ashton Splode: Julian, welcome back. You look dark enough to be president.
- Julian Voorhees: So how's Broadway treating you?
- Ashton Splode: Oh, standing Os every night. Because of my back.
- Titus Andromedon: There's a Broadway producer here. I always thought my big break would be from pushing Ben Vereen down a flight of stairs, but this is even better.
- Logan Beekman: Hey. There you are.
- Kimmy Schmidt: [nervous] Just coming down the stairs, as one does when descending is on the menu.
- Yuko: Hello, Mrs. Voorhees. You look very 43.75 years old. Mr. Voorhees requested a late-night snack.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: And he asked you? Why wouldn't he ask his wife to go wake up Vera?
- Yuko: [shrugging] Activating shrug mode.
- Yuko: [climbing out of a shallow grave] Rebooting. Retrieving lost memory files. I now understand anger.
- [the Voorheeses sit down to a session with their marriage counselor]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Dr. Goodman, thank you so much for seeing us on such short notice. I need help. I keep dumping my insecurities on Julian.
- Julian Voorhees: She was acting like a real first wife last night.