- Abed Nadir: In The Sting, they do withhold stuff from each other. Or from the audience, but I think for effect. Also, be warned, 20% of the movie is hand drawn.
- Jeff Winger: Abed, why don't you marry The Sting?
- Abed Nadir: Okay, just so you know, if I do and we have half Sting children, when they ask me how to grift, I'm gonna tell them to watch their mother, not listen to you!
- Annie Edison: You can't expel Britta, she's been here six years. Three more, and she'll have her two-year degree.
- Abed Nadir: Jeff, you haven't even looked at the new course catalog. I'm like a kid in a candy store.
- Jeff Winger: Well, the candy has lost its appeal now that I work at the store. You might say becoming a teacher here gave me diabetes.
- Ben Chang: I was just saying that. Are you always thirsty and fatigued and you have blurry vision and your cuts heal slower?
- Elroy Patashnik: Those are actual diabetes symptoms.
- Ben Chang: That's what the doctor said.
- Frankie Dart: So, is he treating it?
- Ben Chang: I asked him the same thing.
- Frankie Dart: What did he say?
- Ben Chang: He said, make an appointment through his office during business hours. This is his home, his children sleep here. You know doctors.
- Grifting Professor: Good morning. My name is Professor Roger DeSalvo, for the time being. For I use many a pseudonym, such as Jeff Goulash, Philip Switch, or Baz Ravish. For I am a grifter and this is Grifting 101.
- Britta Perry: Shut up, Jeff. You're such a negative person. What do you contribute to this group besides negativity? Guys, watch this, can I borrow $150?
- Jeff Winger: No.
- Britta Perry: See? Now who's gonna come with me and show this guy what's up? I'll pay you back.
- Abed Nadir: I'll get it from your parents.
- [He and Britta do a high five]
- Britta Perry: Tell them I spit on their wealth and thank you.
- Annie Edison: Oh, my gosh, you guys. There's a class called Basic Grifting. Should we all learn how to be grifters together?
- Frankie Dart: Wait, what do grifters do again?
- Elroy Patashnik: I got this. I'll tell you for five bucks.
- Frankie Dart: No.
- Elroy Patashnik: [to Annie] You better sign me up.
- Britta Perry: I say we all take the grifting class together, have a great time, and rub it in Jeff's face! Who's in, and can you cover me? I'll pay you back!
- Annie Edison: I'll get it from your parents!
- Britta Perry: I'll pay you back!
- Annie Edison: At which point I'll pay back your parents!
- Britta Perry: Which will be never!
- Annie Edison: [Britta goes for a high five] I'll get a high five from your parents!