The Nice Guys (2016)
Holly: [At party] Dad, there are whores here n'stuff.
Holland March: Don't say n'stuff. Just say, Dad, there are whores here.
Holland March: Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.
Jackson Healy: People got hurt.
Holland March: I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.
Holland March: So you're telling me you made a porno where the plot is the point?
Holland March: I think I'm invincible. It's the only thing that makes sense. I don't think I can die.
Holland March: Munich.
Jackson Healy: What ?
Holland March: Guy without his balls. A Munich.
Jackson Healy: Munich, is a city in Germany, Munich. München.
Holland March: You sure?
Jackson Healy: My dad was stationed there.
Holland March: Right. Hitler only had one ball.
[In the midst of being shot at, Healy jumps through a window]
Jackson Healy: March! Gun! Gun!
[March tosses Healy a gun, which careens through the window next to the one Healy just jumped through]
Jackson Healy: Fuck!
Holland March: Shit!
Holland March: You know who else was just following orders? Adolf Hitler.
Holland March: What are you doing?
Holly: I was giving you a rimjob.
Holland March: [horrified] Rimshot!... Rimshot.
Holland March: Got a cool ad though. I made your head small because I know you're sensitive about how big it is.
Holly: You beat people up and charge money ?
Jackson Healy: Yeah.
Holland March: Sad, isn't it ?
Holly: How much would you charge to beat up my friend Janet ?
Holland March: What ?
Jackson Healy: How much you got ?
Holly: Thirty bucks.
Holland March: That's good, this conversation is over.
Holland March: Jesus Christ! One at a time!
Janet: [stunned] You took the Lord's name in vain.
Holland March: No I didn't, Janet. I found it very useful actually. Ok, Janet?
Fred's Widow: It's my husband, he's gone missing.
Holland March: Missing ?
Fred's Widow: I'm terribly worried, it's just Fred's never gone this long before.
[March casually looking around room when he notice ash urn with Fred's name on it]
Holland March: How long has he been missing ?
Fred's Widow: Since the funeral.
Holland March: Well, I can start right away.
Mrs. Glenn: So does this mean my niece is dead?
Holland March: [impatient/annoyed] YES!
[the room is stunned as Mrs. Glenn clasps her mouth in horror]
Holland March: I mean, uh, yes I'm so sorry.
Holland March: [March walks up to the bar, clearly intoxicated] Hi everyone, I'm Amelia. She's about...
[Makes a height gesture with his hand]
Holland March: . Answers to...
[Looks up at topless mermaid, swimming in pool]
Holland March: the call of the wild. Just kidding. I forgot her name, but you know, if you see you, if you just see, and let me know, and, and tell me my name.
Holly: [Holly and March are inside their house while Healy is waiting outside] Why don't we invite him in?
Holland March: No animals in the house, sweetheart.
Jackson Healy: The place reeks of marijuana. They're smoking it.
Holland March: I can't smell.
Jackson Healy: What?
Holland March: I got hit in the head a while back. I lost my sense of smell.
Jackson Healy: You can't smell?
Holland March: Yeah.
Jackson Healy: You're a detective, and you can't smell?
Holland March: Yeah.
Jackson Healy: Aw, this just keeps getting better and better.
Holland March: Wow, that's really insensitive.
[Healy meets March in the bathroom after previously breaking his arm]
Jackson Healy: March. Jack Healy. Don't get upset. I'm not here to hurt you. I just wanna ask you a question.
[March opens the bathroom stall door and brandishes a gun]
Holland March: How stupid do you think I am? I got a license to carry, motherfucker. Ever since your little visit the other day, this little baby's gonna stay right here.
[as March gestures with his gun to his to shirt pocket, the stall door begins to close. March slams it open and drops the cigarette he had in his mouth into his pants]
Holland March: Shit! Fuck!
[March reaches down to grab the cigarette and the stall door closes again. He repeatedly slams it open with his foot. Healy is quietly amused]
Holland March: Don't move.
Jackson Healy: So, you know the old lady, right? Did you belive her?
Holland March: What about?
Jackson Healy: When she said she saw Misty alive that night, did you belive her?
Holland March: God, no. She's blind as a bat.
Jackson Healy: Uh-huh.
Holland March: She has actual coke bottles for glasses. You paint a mustache on a Volkswagen, she says, "Boy, that Omar Sharif sure runs fast."
Party Girl #1: [talking to another party girl] All I told him was that if you want me to do that, then don't eat the asparagus.
Flight Deck Bartender: Guys, listen. You don't go up there, all right? Trust me. These New York guys are up there. Uh, business guys. They got fucking bodyguards. Kind of had their balls removed. What's that called? Huh?
Jackson Healy: Marriage?
Holland March: I was in the pool.
Jackson Healy: You were in the pool?
Holland March: Yeah.
Jackson Healy: Why?
Holland March: I had to question the mermaids. What were you doing while I was working?
Holland March: Have you seen this girl ? She's got dark hair, her name is Amelia.
Flight Deck Bartender: What's in it for me ?
[March points on Healy]
Holland March: He'll stop doing it.
Flight Deck Bartender: Doing what ?
[Healy quickly grabs the bartender and smack his head on the bar desk]
Flight Deck Bartender: Ow, fuck !
Holland March: That.
Holland March: [after smashing a window with his hand, he notices a deep cut] That's... that's a lot of blood... that's a lot of blood, there's... that's a lot of blood.
Jackson Healy: Hey, that's where I know you from, right? The TV. You're prosecuting that car company thing.
Judith Kuttner: The lawsuit for the catalytic converter. Yes. That's half my day. The other half I spend on pornography.
Jackson Healy: Hmm.
Holland March: What kind? Like which films? What's your favourite?
Jackson Healy: No, no. Uh, anti. Anti-porn.
Holland March: Right.
Jackson Healy: Like a crusader.
Holland March: It's fucking over man, that's what my daughter's got to deal with, the Chets of the world, and that fucking kid.
Holland March: All right, which one of you cock-and-balls wants to make twenty bucks?
Holly: Do you by any chance know a girl named Amelia? I think she did a film with Sid Shattuck.
Young Porn Queen: Don't know her, but Sid's gross. He told me this one chick was his sister, right, and then a few days later I walk in on them and they're all doing anal and stuff.
Holly: [sighs] Don't say, "and stuff." Just say, "They're doing anal."
Healy's ex-wife: [in the middle of a romantic dinner with Healy at a restaurant] Jack, I'm fucking your dad.
Jackson Healy: [spits water] What?
Jackson Healy: Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.
Holland March: [to Holly] You're supposed to be at Jessica's.
Jessica: Yeah, sorry, Mr. March. My sister kicked us out. She's having a guy over.
Holland March: Your sister's such a slut.
Jessica: Yeah, I know.
Holly: You're the guy who beat up my dad.
Jackson Healy: Hey.
Holland March: No. Sucker-punched your dad. Big difference.
Judith Kuttner: My name is Judith Kuttner. I work for the Department of Justice.
Holland March: Okay. Well, that explains basically nothing.
Holland March: You seen Chet, the projectionist?
Buddy: Yeah, he just left like 10 minutes ago, went for a drink. And you are?
Holland March: In a hurry. Thanks, buddy.
Buddy: How'd you know my name was Buddy?
Jackson Healy: [at a porn producer's lavish party] Whoa. Well, we know Mary Jane turned up.
Holland March: Who's that?
Jackson Healy: Mary Jane. Marijuana. Pot.
Holly: Dad, there's like whores here and stuff.
Holland March: Sweetheart, how many times have I told you? Don't say "and stuff". Just say "dad, there are whores here".
Holly: Well, there's like a ton.
[March has just survived a massive fall by landing in a pool]
Holland March: I'M ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Holland March: [a guest arrives at a lavish party in medieval costume and hands over the reins of his white horse dressed as a unicorn to a valet] Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
Jackson Healy: [Healy and March are carrying a dead body] You didn't fall down the fucking hill, did you? Did you fall down the hill?
Holland March: I had, like, two, three drinks, tops.
Jackson Healy: Yeah, that's why you can't walk straight.
Holland March: Oh, excuse me. I'm carrying a dead body and I have his schwantz in my face. So, I'm sorry I'm not Bakishnarov.
Jackson Healy: You can't even say Baryshnikov.
Jackson Healy: All right, so then your solution was you make a porn film?
Amelia Kuttner: [Yelling] It's not a porno!
Holland March: You know, I have neighbors.
Holland March: I work in a cesspool. Sex, more sex. My wife, she used to say I make a living off rumpy-pumpy. Whatever. She was English. I don't know what the fuck it means either.
Holly: You're the world's worst detective.
Holland March: I'm the worst?
Holland March: The "worlds" worst?
Jackson Healy: What do you think?
Holly: I like her
Jessica: I like her dress
Holland March: It's a nice dress, but she's a loon
Holland March: She's a loon, according to her her mother's single handedly gonna wipe out all of Western society
Jackson Healy: Well yeah, however there are people trying to kill her right, like John Boy
Holly: Who's John Boy?
Jessica: He's on The Waltons
Jackson Healy: No a different John Boy