- Pops: Dre! Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Andre 'Dre' Johnson: Yeah, what's up, Pops?
- Pops: I want to show you something. Recognize this?
- Andre 'Dre' Johnson: Oh my God, is that that piece of Hot Wheels track you used to beat me with?
- Pops: Mmm-hmmm.
- Andre 'Dre' Johnson: You kept that all these years, huh?
- Pops: Every time I got ready to throw it out you'd do something stupid. Relax, son, I want you to have it. It's really the perfect thing. There's nothing better than beating someone with something they love.
- Andre 'Dre' Johnson: Jack does not love that, Pops. Hell, kids don't even play with those anymore.
- Pops: Well, beat him with something I love. Now I love this because I used to beat you with it.
- Andre 'Dre' Johnson: How many White Russians have you had?
- Pops: Irrelevant, but a lot.
- Andre Johnson, Jr.: [describing when he was spanked] It was the Thursday of a leap year. The air was crisp, the sky was blue, and the belt was black!
- Jack Johnson: I don't want to hear any more!
- Andre Johnson, Jr.: Not even about the color of my tears? They were red!
- Jack Johnson: Aaaah!
- Zoey Johnson: Okay. Don't be mean. He's scared.
- Andre Johnson, Jr.: He should be. It's terrifying. I mean, not for me. I'm too old to be spanked. I've aged out.
- Pops: Where'd you hear that, Junior?
- Andre Johnson, Jr.: Well, I mean, I'm 13 now. That means I'm out of the whupping window.
- Pops: Yeah, but you still have an ass, don't you? That means you're still in the window.
- Diane Johnson: My research shows we have legal options: emancipation, extrication, and if all else fails, relocation.
- Pops: Damn, Diane, I wish I had you when I divorced Grandma. Might've held on to my Lincoln.
- Andre Johnson, Jr.: You're just messing with me, right? I mean, nobody's going to spank a ninth-grader, right?
- Pops: What's age got to do with it? I spanked your daddy when he came home for the summer from college. He was all "Oh, I'm in college now! Listen to how smart my mouth is!" I was like POP!
- Zoey Johnson: Okay, come on, Pops! We all know no one spanks anymore.
- Pops: Oh, well look who's sitting there all cocky thinking she's safe 'cause she's a girl. Whupping don't care what you are. An ass is an ass is an ass is an ass. POP!
- Pops: So what should I wear to the whupping? Black 'cause it's a somber occasion? White 'cause you're whupping virgin ass?