- Michael Schultz: Let me guess, you lost your virginity... in college.
- Ava Pierce: And when did you lose yours? Kindergarten?
- Michael Schultz: You want to know how many girls I finger painted?
- Alex Schultz: Come on, lets get this wedding business over with and get to the reception. I heard the band singer has a pair of Medusa tits. As soon as you stare at them your dick turns to stone.
- Alex Schultz: Bro, you banged a chick and don't remember her name. I'm so proud of you. I wish I could hug you right now. Hug the monitor!
- Ava Pierce: What are you doing?
- Michael Schultz: Whatever I can to get the hell out of here.
- Ava Pierce: You going to jump? Are you crazy?
- Michael Schultz: I've done crazier things to get away from a girl.
- Ava Pierce: Shocker! But we're three floors up.
- Michael Schultz: A minute ago you were okay letting me get gunned down. Now you're worried I might twist my ankle?
- Michael Schultz: You wouldn't happen to have an extra toothbrush?
- Ava Pierce: Yes. Under the sink inside a box labeled, toothbrushes for guys I sleep with.