- Teddy: Tina, I have no idea what's gotten into you.
- Tina Belcher: You can't stop what's happening. Jonas likes me and he invited me out with his friends and I want to go!
- Teddy: Sorry, Tina. You're 13 years old, it's 9:00. You're in for the night. My temporary house, my temporary rules. You don't like it? There's the door that you can't go out!
- Teddy: [when he answers his phone] Belcher residence.
- Bob Belcher: Teddy, it's Bob. Wait, I called your cell phone. Why'd you say, "Belcher residence"?
- Teddy: Just to be respectful. How's the conference going?
- Bob Belcher: Uh, it's complicated. How's it going over there?
- Teddy: It's complicated.
- Bob Belcher: What? Teddy, I can say it's complicated. You can't say it's complicated. You're watching my kids.
- Tina Belcher: Oh, my God. Teddy, could you embarrass me any more?
- Louise Belcher: Oh, that's a great question and the answer is yes.
- Meatcute: [to Bob and Linda where they're in the hot tub] The sign says to limit your soak time to 15 minutes!
- Linda Belcher: That sign says, "No running," and you're running your mouth, MeatCute!
- Linda Belcher: [to Bob about finding a babysitter for the kids] Well, we could call your cousin Vanessa.
- Bob Belcher: She's in a cult.
- Linda Belcher: What, people in a cult can't babysit?
- Bob Belcher: Nobody likes me.
- Linda Belcher: Sure, they do. Have a shot. You'll feel better.
- Bob Belcher: I don't feel like a shot, Lin.
- Linda Belcher: No, do a shot. It makes you more fun. People'll like you.
- Bob Belcher: I don't want to do shots.
- Linda Belcher: I paid for five shots, we're doing five shots.
- Teddy: Tina, come on, you're putting me in a tough spot. I'm sure you're not allowed to have friends down here this late at night.
- Jonas: Dude, with that kind of attitude, you're only going to raise your blood pressure to unsafe levels.
- Teddy: Don't lecture me about my blood pressure! I'm predisposed to like salty foods. Out! Everybody out of my friend's restaurant!
- Tina Belcher: You're not my dad, Teddy or my mom or my uncle. And I don't think you're my godfather. I don't think I have one.
- Teddy: [to Jonas] Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't come back for Tina. You came back for your moped. You used Tina for free burgers, then you hung her out to dry when Ranger Matthew Dainko came.
- Tina Belcher: Oh, God, you did, didn't you?
- Gene Belcher: She's too good for you, but good enough for a lot of guys!
- Louise Belcher: Which makes you the worst, Jone-ass!