Spring (I) (2014) User Reviews

A slightly twisted, supernatural companion piece to Before Sunrise? maybe, maybe not.

[adamkustura · 7/10 · 21 March 2015]

This turned out to be much sweeter, much more touching than I had first anticipated. Though the film takes a good half an hour to get into its stride it really is worth the slight uneasy feeling you may have when Evan first gets to Italy and you're wondering if it's going to turn into something akin to the Hostel series, but thankfully this is as far away from that kind of horror as possible.

At it's core the film is a dark, fairy-tale like horror romance but it keeps itself grounded in ways that are really satisfying and could only be possible in the world of independent cinema because if someone else, other than Benson & Moorhead, had made the film it could've easily turned into one of those slick, Hollywood style fantasy movies with lots of leather, low-key lighting, vivid colours and fast editing. The film does have very dark moments, horrifying moments, but they're handled with a certain amount of grace and elegance that I wasn't expecting and you will enjoy this film more than you think you might.

The lead actors are great. Lou Taylor Pucci's portrayal of Evan is wholly convincing, his character could've run the risk of being entirely forgettable but he's sweet and charming and highly likable. Nadia Hilker has been working in German television for about 5 years, this is her first feature film, and I have to say I'm a little bit in love with her. The personality she gives to a character that could easily have fallen into the realms of utter cliché is really, really refreshing.

A slightly twisted, supernatural companion piece to Before Sunrise? maybe, maybe not. But definitely something different, at least.

Little gem.

[kim_vanderlinden · 8/10 · 3 April 2015]

So, you're scrolling through IMDb top 250 looking for something. It doesn't have to be an awesome blockbuster or a life-changing experience. BUT you do want to see something decent. This is your movie.

If you are looking for that run of the mill hack and slash horror movie(including flying heads and such) keep looking.

But, if, like me, your looking for that tiny jewel you just so happened to miss, you've just hit the jackpot.

The beginning of the movie is raw and slow. But not too raw or slow. However, slow and raw enough that pop-corn munching blockbuster- loving idiots will be bored.

Movies that start like this can develop in works that make you feel like hell for 2 hours and then leave you with nothing. So, I started doubting whether this movie was going to be too much "slice of life".

But then...

You are rewarded for putting up with harsh reality.

When the main characters are introduced to each other this movie changes. The dialogue is fascinating. The plot is introduced quickly yet gently, and completely sucks you in.

You're on a creepy ride which you think might break down at any moment...But it doesn't.

The movie really keeps momentum and leaves you with a satisfying experience.

The characters are fleshed out well and the "horror" part eases in smoothly.

All in all, I would watch this movie again just to see my loved ones react to it. Watch this movie, and be positively surprised, you have just found yourself a little gem.

A subtle mixture of romance,SF and horror

[peterp-450-298716 · 8/10 · 21 March 2015]

"I'm half undiscovered science, a bunch of confusing biochemistry and some crazy hormones."

"Spring" isn't really a horror film. It's a rather mythological love story with a "not so bad" twist. A story about how true love can overcome obstacles and how that makes you choose irreversible options. And this interspersed with sometimes lurid and bizarre scenes. There are several moments in this film, which also proceeds painfully slow (the only flaw I could think of), where you are wondering what the hell is actually going on. And when everything is explained in detail, you frown and instantly you think "What the f*ck was that ?". I admit that the whole metabolic explanation went over my head the first time, but after a while it became really clear and I realized it was dead simple. Ultimately it was a film that took me by surprise, despite its long playing time, and unexpectedly continued to fascinate me.

The beginning of this remarkable film is I could say brilliant. A scarce setting. Young Evan (Lou Taylor Pucci) bedside of his dying mother. A joke. A blank stare. A final sigh and then ... finito. The day of the funeral ends with an out of control bar fight. To avoid problems with the local police, Evan decides out-of-the-blue to book a plane ticket and travels to distant Italy. Once there, he ends up in the company of two British loudmouths whose main interests are : pouring as much as possible alcohol in their throat, using gore language and constantly trying to seduce an Italian girl. The day they scram and leave Evan behind, he's determined to get acquainted with the beautiful Louise (Nadia Hilker) with whom he briefly made eye contact, somewhere at a village square. He offers his services at some farm in order to pay for his stay and slowly the two grow closer together. What emerges is a not so obvious relationship. The mysterious and impulsive Louise isn't exactly making it easy for Evan and soon the viewer is fully aware that she's hiding a terrible secret.

What is it that makes this film so unique? Several things as I look at it afterwards. The casual and spontaneous way these two people interact, converse and let love flourish between each other. Not with contrived and forced dialogues. It seemed as if their love game unfolds naturally before your eyes and you witness how two charismatic individuals whirl around each other in a flirting way. You wouldn't say that Evan has charisma. He looks more like a meaningless, unqualified,miserable fellow who has no specific goal in his life and also has a limited wardrobe. Yet he came across as profound and intellectual during philosophical conversations with Louise. And certainly the speed at which he could grasp the whole explanation, proves there's a sparkle of some intelligence. Conversely Louise is a chunk of charisma. A mysterious character who Evan can't get hold of and whose reasoning and reactions raises questions. The reason why she is confusing at times and stands aloof, becomes clearer as soon as the terrible secret is revealed. Superb performances without a doubt.

Also cinematically it's a bit different. The camera movements and positions are sometimes surprising. The bird's-eye view sometimes delivers beautiful images such as the boat trip. These splendor images are regularly interrupted by short shots of all kinds of flora and fauna. Bizarre and sometimes incomprehensible. But all this is ultimately connected with the big secret. The most successful scene is when Louise explains the whole mystery to Evan. Although she doesn't want to explain it initially, she changes her mind and she does it while Evan is on its way through the narrow streets of the Italian village. And while stumbling over the cobbles he listens to the eerie tale. I would have preferred that she'd tell this complicated story calmly at a table because the pivoting camera and flashy long sequence demanded all my attention. And this ensured that the final message didn't directly hit me and sounded pretty hazy. The horror clips are scarce, sometimes unclear and sometimes with pretty ugly CGI. Is this done deliberately? Were the resources limited? I have no idea. But ultimately it all fits perfectly with the rest.

Maybe there's a moment when you're wondering where exactly the romance is hiding ? Maybe you dropped off because it's pretty surreal and it all looks strange. And yet you should do the effort to sit through the movie, because the final denouement is pure romance. This is the epitome of true love. Maybe I raved about this film, but I've never seen the concepts live, love, death,pregnancy and rebirth flow into each other in such a subtle way. A simplistic love story with a quirky twist which eventually ends in a way you hoped it would end. A beautiful, unique film that briefly will resonate to some.

More reviews here : http://opinion-as-a-moviefreak.blogspot.be

Intriguing and effective

[Red_Identity · 24 March 2015]

What a great little film. Once you get to the third act and you have all of the details, you pretty much know how it's probably going to end, but it doesn't matter. The fantastical premise serves a backdrop for a really fantastic human story, one that is pretty much interested in dialogue over plot. I first saw Lou Taylor Pucci in Evil Dead and thought he was so great in it. He has such an effective naturalism that is present here throughout. A nice surprise of a film, even if not without its flaws. I definitely will try to recommend this to people and try to put the word out there, I feel like it could gain a really strong fanbase if it got seen more.

Spring can be whatever you want it to be

[georgiamoxie · 6/10 · 25 July 2015]

I'll bet they have fun with this one in film studies. Spring can be used as a personality test based on how a viewer perceives it. Do they see it as a romantic drama comedy about star crossed lovers? Do they see a satire poking fun at the gamut of movies about an immortal falling in love with a mortal that they've only known for 5 days and be willing to give up their immortality for love? Do they see an art house style movie full of symbolism and bravo for abstract expression? Do they think it's just stupid and makes no sense? Do they just see a zombie shooting drugs in a church?

Spring is a little bit of all of that. I was kept guessing only when it related to what the heck Louise was. The rest follows the generic formula for a romantic comedy that didn't really leave me satisfied when it was over. I am not really ashamed to admit that I was hoping she'd eat Evan at the end.

I just got tricked into watching a rom-com, but I'm not even mad.

[lungdiaphram · 7/10 · 25 May 2015]

So...this movie is somehow thrown into the horror genre, but it is DEFINITELY not a horror movie. It's an avant-garde romantic comedy. There are a few sci-fi moments, but for the most part it's one of the cutest movies I've ever seen. The plot is very Disney with subtle hints of Slither-esque grotesqueness. I liked this movie a lot, but I feel tricked... I was really in the mood for a good horror film, but I got a strange rom-com instead. I'm not mad though. I enjoyed the film for its extreme amount of cuteness. I highly recommend this movie, but don't expect any horror. It has a lot of personality. I can't relate it any other film. I think this movie might pave the way for a new type of romantic comedy. I usually loathe romantic comedies, but this one takes a fresh approach! I can imagine this new genre really taking off. If you're a dude who's really into sci-fi and you're dating a girl who is really into typical chick-flicks, then this is a great movie for meeting her in the middle.

A beautiful, intelligent, thought-provoking film

[LilyDeSilva · 9/10 · 28 March 2015]

A hidden gem and easily one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. The acting, writing and directing are all seamless.

I admit there were moments, such as when our poor protagonist reacts to the truth about his girlfriend, which stretched the bounds of plausibility, but aside from those few scenes the film was incredibly real and fresh throughout.

The film's brand of dry, intelligent humor was a lovely surprise. I buckled in for a thriller and found myself laughing many times instead. I also highly commend the snippets of philosophy, morality, mortality, religion and science which were sprinkled throughout the film and delivered with just the right amount of wit and depth by both actors.

It really is a wonderful blend of romance and sci-fi, and this is coming from someone who loves sci-fi and has a pathological fear of chick flicks. I highly recommend it.

An atmospheric romantic film with Lovecraftian elements.

[Fella_shibby · 7/10 · 25 March 2018]

I saw this on a dvd recently. Wasnt keen on watching this. Firstly, it is not a horror film n fans of the horror genre will b disappointed. There is too much chatting between characters but there was something which made me complete the film in one sitting n although as a horror fan i got cheated into seeing this, i cannot dismiss this as a bad film. This film falls perfectly in the Lovecraftian horror genre. Has elements of science fiction, romance, mythos n fate. The acting by the two leads was surprisingly very good n both the characters were likeable. The only drawback is u dont get to see the monster in its full form but thats not the point of the film. Also noteworthy are some beautifully shot scenes. The ending scene was beautifully done with beautiful settings. To b honest, i dont like such films n will not watch these kinda films. One of my online pal convinced me into seeing this. Definitely it is a very good film but not my taste.

Better than most and a nice surprise.

[MannyInNewYork · 8/10 · 20 March 2015]

I thought this was terrific. It has all the elements that make for a memorable movie – likable characters, interesting relationships, interesting locations, a good soundtrack and finally, for me, a big plus, an ending that satisfies. It's a love story with a Sci-fi twist to it but the emphasis is on the romance between Evan and Louise.

Evan, a young man from the USA, is dodging the police (due to his involvement in a minor incident) and decides that it would be a good time to get out of town. Acting on impulsive, he flies to Italy, meets some people, goes on a road trip and winds up in a little town where he meets Louise. Here is where the story really begins.

Boy meets girl. Boy falls for girl and falls hard – love at first sight. You feel bad for him because you know right off the bat that something is not quite right with the enigmatic Louise. There's no way this is going to end well but that doesn't keep you from hoping that it does and hey, you never know. And then things get weirder and weirder. The pace is a bit slow but you never feel bored. Normally I would find extended scenes of two of people talking to be dull, but these aren't – they're really interesting, revealing and intimate. The look of the movie is also very nice. The country side and the quaint town – a vacationers dream locale – and then there's Louise – what is she? Throw in some history, legend, junk science and a bit of philosophy. Loved the ending.

Both Pucci (Evan) and Hilker (Louise) are excellent in their roles – convincing and very likable. Good stuff.

Excellent Lovecraftian Flick

[parsonm2 · 7/10 · 7 April 2015]

I watched this movie without any expectations and was more than satisfied with it.

The story centers on a man traveling abroad after the death of his mother. By chance he happens to find himself in a very rural seaport town in Italy. A an exotic woman catches his eye and a romance begins. The rest of the tale centers on the young mans romance with the exotic woman, who isn't everything she appears to be and has a horrible secret.

This movie is a slow paced film with just enough gore and pacing to hold my interest. I was very satisfied with the tension and build-up at the closing moment of the film.

I highly recommend this to those who like well developed tension building lovecraftian horror. I'd be interested in watching further productions from this group of film-makers.

If only the ending..

[zeentch-64491 · 3/10 · 10 January 2019]

This film is alleged to be part of the Lovecraftian horror genre, and there appears to have been some concept work done prior to writing the bulk of the script, which runs much like a Latin soap opera. However the concept work fails to deliver anything that Lovecraftian horror is made of, and even following its own premise, this film falls apart.

A 2000 year old metamorph, even with a sketchy memory, would know so much about human behavior, that they would be completey incapable of the histrionic/borderline head games that this girl plays out with the 'protagonist'. She would have to have given herself a total lobotomy to endure such a banal runaround, but she had not, according to her dialog.

The main character was perfectly written as ignorant fodder. His fate should have been food for Louise, and his dying screams a satisfying end to his drivel about true love.

If this movie had *at least* had an optional ending in which Evan is eaten during Louise's transformation, I would rate this film with 8 stars, because I could watch the entire thing again with my own head canon - a story arc consisting of Louise knowing from the outsdet that Evan is a sacrifice, and the entire brief romance is a game for her; a horrific tragedy for him. That would have been an interesting horror romance.

I mean come on! 2000 years of life, and you'd throw away immortality for a drunk american leg-humper? It a bit of an insult to the audience's intelligence, and the alternate ending that is included in the BlueRay confirms what we (and Louise) should expect from Evan.

Another Great Entry from Benson and Moorhead

[truemythmedia · 8/10 · 17 June 2019]

This is an awesome movie. I really didn't know what to expect when I went into it, because I'd gone in blind based on the strength of "The Endless" and "Resolution". I was not expecting a love story from the two that made those other films, but they pulled it off. Benson and Moorhead not only have something to say (and something worth listening to), but they also have an incredible amount of range. I'll be sure to watch anything else that comes from this team, as I've been consistently impressed with their work. See this film, see their other films, and watch for films from them in the future!

interesting indie

[SnoopyStyle · 6/10 · 8 October 2017]

In California, Evan is caring for his dying mom and watches her pass away. He loses his lousy job. On a whim, he goes on a trip to Italy. After meeting beautiful Louise, he decides to stick around and get a farming job. They spend a night together and he wakes up to find her gone. She is suffering from a strange transformation as they strike up a relationship.

This is an interesting take on the relationship indie. There are horror elements but they are not played for scares. Her revelation is too revealing and happens a little too early. She needs an earlier scene where she is in danger of discovery. This movie needs more tension. The relationship needs more tension. It's all very low intensity with some good low budget body transformation ideas until the second half. It does bump up the tension but I wish it happens quicker. There is one funny joke and some good atmosphere.

Sci Fi? Would have been better as a simple romance film

[danew13 · 5/10 · 28 March 2015]

In Spring you have all the makings for a stock romantic film on the very romantic Italian coast. The movie is carried along well by Lou Taylor Pucci, a fine young talent who gives a sincere performance to a point...that point being the beauty and the beast climax which has the female lead Nadia Hilker as both the beauty and the beast.

Unfortunately this is where belief must be suspended. After a week long relationship with Hilker, Pucci is so in love with her when he learns she is some sort of a reptilian monster, he doesn't care. He still wants her, even though she might kill him as she has done to other people.

Yet, the monster element does keep you watching in amazement until the rather non eventful ending.

"Women, Jewels Of The World!"...

[azathothpwiggins · 9 March 2020]

After a family tragedy and ensuing drunken disaster, Evan (Lou Taylor Pucci) quickly finds his life in the proverbial toilet. With the law literally at his door, he heads to Italy on a whim, finding the change of scenery... invigorating. Especially, upon meeting a beautiful woman named Louise (Nadia Hilker), who seems to somehow be wherever Evan winds up. Soon, Evan is captivated, love blooms, and the preternatural terror begins.

SPRING is another wonderfully odd, innovative film from Director's Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead. Drawing from several genres, this movie is fascinating from start to finish, managing to be both eerie and touching, without being sappy. The perfect movie for romantic horror / sci-fi / monster enthusiasts.

Special mention must be made for the Directors' full use of the incredible Italian scenery...

Quite original, if not fully engaging horror/romance

[Red-Barracuda · 6/10 · 5 December 2017]

Personal issues make a young man decide to travel from his home in the USA to Italy to escape from his problems. When there he encounters an enigmatic beauty called Louise who has a very strange primordial secret.

What you cannot accuse Spring of is not trying to do something a bit different. This is a film which is definitely fairly original in approach. It sort of defies any clear genre definition and is instead an odd hybrid of horror and romance. Sort of like Before Sunrise (1995) with a side helping of body horror, if you can imagine such a thing. It's that age old story of boy meets girl, girl turns out to be a two thousand year old serpent-like being. Don't you just hate when that happens? Joking aside, the premise is certainly something different and it does stand apart from typical horror or romantic movies of late. That doesn't mean that it is an entirely successful film though, I didn't think the overall whole was up to the task of the admittedly original concepts contained within it. I reckon the two leads were partially responsible for this as there didn't seem to be a massive amount of genuine chemistry between them. Lou Taylor Pucci is a little on the whiny side and does tend to gravitate to playing quite annoying characters such as he also did in the Evil Dead remake. It does mean that he is not entirely easy getting fully on board with. Nadia Hilker was definitely better and quite alluring as the pivotal character Louise but, essentially, the chemistry was missing for me. Much better was the Italian scenery which was gorgeous, it reminded me of how few decent contemporary Italian horror movies we get nowadays compared to the golden years of the 60's to the 80's. So it was nice to see an interesting horror narrative play out against the peerless architecture and sun-kissed beauty of this country. The horror is fairly rationed here, with the relationship material very much taking centre stage but there is definitely some impressive moments. Most notably in the big reveal sequence where we see Louise writhing around in her apartment in her primordial form. I thought that the special effects were very good here and created some indelible imagery. In the final analysis, I would put this one down as genuinely worth the time, even if it does fall short on what it could have been. Certainly a film for those who want to see different angles from the horror genre though.

Romcom-Italian version of Take the right one in

[perica-43151 · 7/10 · 29 November 2020]

Cthulhu meets Take the right one in meets The (wo)man from Earth aka Italian werewolf in Naples born in Pompeii and waiting for the American white savior bum to realize the true love, as none of the men from the ages and lands compare to that Californian sincerity and easy-talking charm of young and dreamy screenwriter's alter ego. The most horrifying thing about the movie is that it is a realistic take on dating Italian women, who if impregnated need to be catered for the rest of your life (even if she dies) lest they turn into a monster - which her body, not mind, decides based on oxytocin and other suspicious science. Apparently, eating hostile man's te sticles and innocent rabbits makes for a nice source of stem cells. A bit naive and plot-hole filled mishmash somewhat saved by nice on the location shooting, slow art-house style spending time on atmosphere and not dwelling too much into junk stem-cell pseudo-scientific "explanation" that is also thrown into the pot, with some hints of redeeming humor makes overall an OK watching experience.

A damn good film

[mjsreg · 8/10 · 3 April 2015]

This is a film well worth watching if you like innovative films that draw you in to the story which gradually reveals its mysteries.

I am not sure I would classify this as a horror film - in fact I am not sure what I would class it as - but it is brilliant.

The acting and production are excellent from start to finish, and you never really know the whole story until you have been drawn deep into the film and it is about to end.

The only very slightly disappointing bit was right at the end. I would have like to see the film carry on for a couple more minutes to see more of what happened to the characters.

flaws here and there but astonishingly memorable

[A_Different_Drummer · 7/10 · 5 June 2015]

At its core every romantic movie ever filmed is just a BOY MEETS GIRL story. It is a tried and proved formula and more or less embedded in our DNA.

So kudos to these two film-makers for re-inventing the story in a startling new way. We will never know what "Hollywood" would have done to this had they got their paws on it --- I am thinking it would have ended up as a sequel to The Conjuring -- but fortunately for all of us this remains a sweet and refreshing indie flick.

I was glued to the screen to the end, which, given the volume of films I see, is saying something. Nice seeing one of my favourite directors in a cameo also -- Jeremy Gardener.

What really really elevates this film is the performance by Nadia Hiker which is to be fair beyond mesmerizing. Bringing back memories of Hepburn in her earlier films, Hiker takes one of the most bizarre (and arguably over-written!) characters in the history of film and makes it her own. Very impressive work.

Would happily recommend.

Absolutely wonderful movie

[stormiepsy · 9/10 · 5 April 2015]

This is kind of a romance horror as weird as that sounds. Not really gory but it has horror elements. If you ever watched Perfume (which I strongly recommend by the way. Another amazing movie) you'll like Spring. It's kind of the same element. The acting was on point. All the actors had such great chemistry with each other and they were really believable. The 2 main characters were just phenomenal. The story was fresh and well written. The back-story was well thought out. The scenery was breathtaking and the cinematography was exceptional. A few comments I read on here said that it dragged in places. I didn't get that impression at all. I thought the pace was necessary to get you involved with the characters. And the creature was well done and flows with the whole concept. More surreal and less scary. For you guys, this is a really good horror type movie to watch with your lady if she doesn't like horror. She will appreciate the love story part. I just really liked it and will probably watch it several more times as well as recommend it to those I think would appreciate it

Entertaining but forgettable

[taedirish · 7/10 · 12 December 2020]

A lot of reviews spend (in my opinion) too much time trying to analyze films. For me, I have two expectations; 1. To be entertained and 2. To (hopefully) be told an original story. If a movie provides those two elements, then I consider it successful. Spring is about a 20 something guy who decides to travel to Italy after the death of his mother. Now untethered and hating his place in life, he just wants something different. Once there, he meets a pair of hard drinking brits and travels with them to a small seaside village where he meets a beautiful woman who, as it turns out, is an immortal. That's essentially where the supernatural ends and the rest of the film is more drama/romance than it is sci-fi/horror. A lot of reviews talk about her choosing to give up mortality but they missed the point. It's not a conscious choice, her body chooses when the oxytocin is high enough. Basically, IF she falls in love, her body chooses to stay the same and instead of metabolizing the embryo, she becomes mortal and stays pregnant, passing it on to the embryo. That's where the movie got a bit convoluted, but she doesn't give up immortality, she fell in love with the guy and her body gave it up for her to have a life with him. Still, 2000 years isn't a bad run, so... You could probably write a 500 page analysis of symbolism and metaphor but why? In the end, it's a decent original story, portrayed by talented actors and shot in a sort of low budget manner than keeps it from feeling like it's recycled Hollywood garbage. The funny thing about this is, although I found it entertaining, I had completely forgotten about it until I started watching it again by accident.

Had Potential

[westsideschl · 3/10 · 17 August 2015]

The crux of the story had potential, but the science of renewing life for thousands of life cycles was really weak (e.g. sex, injections, rabbit kills, ancient incantations). The script had a poor flow, both explanations as to what is going on as well as the subsequent encounters between the two leads. Our female lead, Nadia Hilker, metamorphosing into a variety of ancient evolutionary forms had a good CGI effect, but was more just laughable scary. Also, not believable, was the life story behind the second lead character, American, Lou Pucci, and how he's adrift in Italy where events take place. The farm scenes, where he's employed, seemed pointless and the connection to the death of the farmer's wife was, again, seemed to be an afterthought injection. Finally, the ending and alternate ending seemed too sweetly predictable - not creative.

Captivating from the opening scene...

[Lambysalamby · 9/10 · 30 April 2015]

Wow, watch this!

Maybe the best film I've seen this year, up there with Whiplash and Birdman...

From the very opening scene I was immersed just like the first page of a fine book.. I immediately cared for this character within minutes. That's great writing. The dialogue was superb. Every aspect was in fact.

I must say the two leads were stellar... and the film had a bit of everything...The sense of travel, emotions, the score, location, cinematography...

A phenomenal film, you'd do yourself well to watch this immediately!

Very unique and very different.

[paulclaassen · 7/10 · 6 July 2018]

This was really sweet, romantic and mysterious. I loved the subtle way the story unfolded amidst a blossoming romance. I enjoyed lead character Evan (Lou Taylor Pucci)'s back story as well and made the film that much more believable. It was a refreshingly different and unique monster tale. (We never really know exactly what Louise (Nadia Hilker) is, but can only speculate she's some sort of vampire cross breed. I loved the visuals and I loved the dialogue. This is a supernatural film done very realistically, and even harnesses some very deep emotions.

Abort...

[Xstal · 2/10 · 11 November 2022]

You've had quite a tough time and choose to leave, to Italy to find some calm and peace, two obnoxious clowns you meet, but you take their car's backseat, to a place where you can find a room to lease. You meet a girl who likes to shift about, most normal folk would run and scream and shout, but you're clearly not all there, because you like her derriere (amongst other things), these things are more important than her sprouts. You're an ordinary bloke with nowt to offer, why would such a woman even make a proffer, after all that she's been through, all the knowledge she's accrued, she only wants to take the seed of a sad dosser.

Awful story, poor performances - abort!